Are you, like nearly half a million people in the world, willing to entrust your love life to Walter Mercado, the Puerto Rican performer-astrologer who for decades graced Univision shows like “Primer Impacto” with his clairvoyant Latino Liberace act?
If so, run your fingers, don’t let them walk to his website, Passion Latinos, where you can get your horoscope, browse a few romantic profiles and maybe do a little shopping while you’re at it.
The site is the exclusive sales place for Linea Cautivadora, Mercado’s line of body lotions, mists, soaps and candles, which promise prosperity, health, energy and, of course, love, among other wonderful things.
“They include everything,” Mercado says in a Spanish-language pitch video on his site, “that you’ll need to achieve the perfect balance and harmony.”
And now back to finding your perfect soul mate.
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A welcome video on the site opens with Mercado referring in Spanish to users as, “Friends, brothers, disciples.”
He goes on to diagnose the ills that affect most of us: “You have been brainwashed to feel inferior, incapable of achieving your dreams. I want to reprogram your mind and heart so you can begin your new life.”
The website’s method for discovering that new life and finding a potential romantic partner includes three variables: Astrological sign, age and location. But when you think about it, who needs an algorithm when you have the stars on your side?
But you might need a frequent flyer account to truly take advantage. The first page of all results shows people in Mexico, Puerto Rico, Colombia, Venezuela, Peru, Argentina and Chile.
And be warned, all goods and services can only be paid for in Walter Dollars, which fortunately for those of us who always have trouble with exchange rates, just happen to have a one-to-one relation to the actual U.S. dollar.