This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," September 15, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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RACHEL MADDOW, ANCHOR, MSNBC: I can't make - honestly, I can't make heads or tails of George Papadopoulos. Literally, if I was strong enough to pick them up and flip him over in the air, I don't know if he would land head up or head down. I have no idea.
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GREG GUTFELD, HOST, "THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW": Why would you do that? All right, of course we've all been monitoring Hurricane Florence, our thoughts are with everyone affected, tonight's show, we hope offers some temporary relief for our viewers as we spend an hour on less important stuff.
We don't pretend politics and gossip mean more than the storm. So, let's pause for a moment and consider other natural disasters. You don't even have to say it. Michael Moore. You know, politics is like sex with Michael Moore. You are either on top or you're crushed. Like the broken stars on Hollywood Boulevard, which is officially a disaster area, how bad is it getting there? The left is turning on the left. Case in point, Debra Messing lashed out at fellow leftie Susan Sarandon. Why? Oh my god, Susan said that Donald Trump has inspired more women and minorities to run for office.
So Deb gets on Twitter and she says all this mean stuff like, "STFU" which I believe stands for still tweeting forever uninformed. Now, in case you forgot who Debbie is, she's the star of an old TV comedy that they brought back just like Obama - but thanks to Trump and her new life on Twitter she has gone from this ...
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DEBRA MESSING, AMERICAN ACTRESS: Oh, please, she doesn't have the stomach to go where I go.
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GUTFELD: To this ...
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What is that?
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GUTFELD: Talk about a fall from grace. Just to prove playing a smart, funny woman was all an act, she now loses her [bleep] regularly on Twitter over Trump. Yes, the star of a 20-year-old sitcom is now still coming to terms with an election that is two years old. It must seem like yesterday to her as she seems to us. But that is the issue with celebs. Nobody in America is wearing a bracelet that says what would Hollywood do? That hurts. They can't believe no one takes them seriously when all they do is take themselves seriously as they attack everyone else.
It's my theory, celebrities come to politics later in life after voting decades to selfishly chasing attention, they think that because they get to spend 22 minutes in the spotlight once a week pretending to be relevant, they also deserve real-life importance. They take a big stupid bite out of politics. The wild success they had in that drama class sophomore year, parroting other people's words is still what keeps them going which is why Hollywood's greatest political theorists -- Messing, De Niro, Penn -- they all have the mentality of emotional 17-year-olds.
And what defines troubled youth at that age? Irrational anger, petulant rage, demands for attention and without a better script, their emotional response is inversely proportional to their knowledge and wisdom so the less that they know, the stronger they feel. Until belief becomes a battle for them and if you disagree, you are evil.
But you can't improvise intelligence which is why it is funny when they go off script. You can't just demonize at will and then played grace. Actors- actors will say and do anything for a spotlight. Here's Broadway legend Carol Cook revealing her knowledge of American history.
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CAROL COOK, BROADWAY LEGEND: Where is John Wilkes Booth when you need him? Right? Will I be on the enemy's list? My god, I hope so.
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GUTFELD: So that's what happened to the ropers? Finally, people remember "Three's Company." I was worried about that show. Anyway, once you go down this rabbit hole of insanity, there's no going back. You start turning on anyone and everyone including the liberals on your side.
Of course, we all know these people are self-indulgent and crazy, so nobody takes them seriously. The crazier these people become, the closer they come to bad comedy, meaning MSNBC.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Ladies and gentlemen, the last President of the United States.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you think that's the last President of the United States?
MICHAEL MOORE, AMERICAN FILM MAKER: I think it is possible.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You really think that?
MOORE: I think it's possible. Absolutely.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Do you ever notice about Michael Moore that he is slowly morphing into Large Marge - I say get rid of the hat, but that's where he hides the emergency Twinkies. So, will Trump be the last President of the United States? Is the world actually ending?
As normal people like you watch hurricane coverage with mass evacuations an 90-mile per hour gusts and beyond heavy rain, we can only see how disconnected Hollywood is fighting a 20-foot reality surge. Their world is stormy and Manafort's. No wonder their self-importance, their sanity, their perspective, their politics are truly all wet and gone with the wind.
Let's welcome tonight guests. He treats terrorists like golf, always trying to put a hole in one. Former Navy SEAL Rob O'Neill. Like Doctor Frankenstein, he'll leave you in stitches, writer and comedian, Chris Fried. Her favorite soup is cream of sadness, "National Review" reporter Kat Timpf. And he really is above it all, former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.
All right, Rob, it's always entertaining to see lefties devour each other after seniors of the right do it to themselves.
ROB O'NEILL, FORMER NAVY SEAL: That's what President Trump the effect that he has to us is - Debra Messing and Susan Sarandon are actually on the same team, but because of the divide with the Sanders people and the Hillary Clinton people, the one hurt the other and didn't get in or whatever, they are on the same team. They don't realize it, but the amazing thing to me about Susan Sarandon is at this point, she has yet to force Tim Robbins, the "Shawshank Redemption's" ass back into prison. Just saying. When he escaped through the tunnel full of crap.
GUTFELD: Yes, that is quite a metaphor. I never saw that movie.
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FORMER WWE SUPERSTAR: What?
GUTFELD: I never saw "Shawshank Redemption." I only like a certain kind of prison film.
MURDOCH: It has that in there for you. I wish he would have had ...
GUTFELD: It's not enough. Chris, let's ignore Tyrus making fun of me.
CHRIS FRIED, AMERICAN COMEDIAN: Thinking of my kind of prison. Moving on
GUTFELD: Yes, do you agree that Donald Trump could be the last President?
FRIED: Well, I think maybe he - I think what he maybe meant we should go with is that he's doing such a great job that we can get rid of the term limits. Just let him go. But he would die eventually, I guess. Secondly, that Broadway lady, I think that was a misunderstanding as well. I feel like maybe she grew up with John's Wilkes Booth and like - and she's like legitimately looking for him.
GUTFELD: She might have been at the theater at the time. That's what she was saying. She was saying, "Where is John Wilkes Booth?" He was right here.
FRIED: I had to go back in the day.
GUTFELD: Actually, it's that guy. Conspiracy? He was cryogenically frozen. John Wilkes Booth. I'm going down a really dark place that I don't think I can get out of it.
FRIED: So is Debra Messing.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
FRIED: I noticed, also because I think she's pissed at Roseanne because of that whole thing, right, Roseanne's show did great, and then "Will and Grace" comes back and they are like, "Let's what the cast of "Roseanne" is doing besides her. They're bringing back "Roseanne" without Roseanne, and then "Will and Grace" is like, "We'll do Season 2." And they're like just, "No." Forget about it.
GUTFELD: Kat, is Twitter emboldening washed up actors by giving them a forum to express their political theatrics?
KAT TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: You know, Greg ...
GUTFELD: I have a feeling she is not answering my question.
TIMPF: I have never really considered myself an optimist and I've always thought I was one of the most pessimistic people maybe in the world, but then top five at least - but then I saw that I've never actually yelled at another person for looking on the brighter side, which is exactly what Susan Sarandon was trying to do. She is a Bernie gal. She doesn't like Trump, she was just saying, let me look for some silver lining in the situation, and Debra Messing was like, you can't be happy. You can't be happy. You take that smile off your face right now. You can't be happy. And you know what? Now I feel like I've never done that so maybe I'm not and I feel like Tony [bleep] Robbins.
GUTFELD: I have to say, your impression of Debra Messing is every woman I've seen yell at her husband at a Walmart. Just losing all sense of public display. It's like, "I'm going to do it, Tyrus." You are an actor and a successful one.
GUTFELD: Hollywood now is like...
MURDOCH: No further questions.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: You know what? It's a copout to me. I feel like our current political climate is a good out for struggling actors. They won't let me in because I supported Trump. Is it good? It's a good way to say like I haven't had a gig in 20 years, but because of this President. All this altogether, it's over. It's halfway done and if you really don't like it, have one of your little cocktail couch party things you guys have that I never get invited to and organize your votes and vote him out. He's not going anywhere. He is our president and stop bitching about it. It's over.
O'NEILL: One thing I remember about Debra Messing was on the Hillary camp. She's obviously very upset that they didn't get a female President. So relax, she'll get her first female President soon, and I'm sure Ivanka will do a great job.
GUTFELD: Coming up, is it time for a boring president? It's true. All this winning is pretty exhausting.
Should America demand a president who is bland? Or will be do so much more with a monumental bore, a New York Times, the new op-ed piece titled, "Boring Is The New Black," makes a bold prediction for the next person who takes office. We are going to elect someone boring. No kidding. Anyone who is going to be a boring president after Donald Trump. You don't need "The Times" to tell me that. Co-author Bret Steven says he wants a smart responsible person who's good at making you forget they are there.
Quote, "I envision someone like Tim Kaine without the charisma." By the way, that was Hillary's running mate. So boring you forgot him. Or Gerald Ford without the malice, GW Bush, HW Bush, sorry, about the vicious hatred of broccoli. New York Times humor. That's all I actually read from the article, frankly, it put me to sleep. But I do think Bret is onto something.
Fact is, after a mile a minute Trump maybe there should be a boring party.
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TIMPF: Hi, I'm Beverly Miller and I'm running for governor. I'm a mom to three great kids. Well, two great kids and the adopted one. I believe in transparency, so I'd like to show you the real meal me, warts and all. I worship the needle. Yes, I needlepoint like a mother [bleep]. One time, I needle pointed for a week straight. I made a card tarp, it's in my blood. I can't stop needle pointing. You come after my needles, I will [bleep] kill you.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Paid for by the boring party.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Skip Davis here, I'm ready to represent the Eighth District. You might remember me from last year's county fair where my cucumbers received honorable mention. You like cucumbers, you will love me. Here are some pictures of my cucumbers. Check out this one. And this one. And this one. Here is this one. I [bleep] love cucumbers. Would you like to see more of my cumbers? I bet you would. But you don't vote for me, you will never see my cucumbers. So vote for me. Skip Davis, this fall.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Paid for by the boring party.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hi, I'm Mitch Langley and I'm running for Senate. What issue do I care about most? Public transit actually. You could say I'm the expert. Awesome, right? It's by G-Cage Rail King 1-8 with a polycarbonate body, KV compatible, coupler mounting pads and an onboard DCC/DCS decoder. I know, pretty impressive. So get on the Mitch train and vote for me this fall.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Paid for by the boring party.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: What you think, Chris? Should we take the time for somebody boring?
FRIED: Well, there's always time to make fun of boring people. It's always fun. But I just hate the phrase - first of all, I hate - blank is the new blank. It's overdone. Also, it came back because of "Orange is the new black." Now everyone is doing it, but they can't say orange is the new black because is orange is a Trump reference which is technically positive because he took over from the first black president and it's the new black president of some kind, but then they tried to bring the old, new black president back last week to talk and now we know that black is the old boring person - I don't know what I'm doing back there. It's a thing.
There is an analogy there somewhere.
GUTFELD: I kind of follow that, Rob, I think. Is a boring president necessarily better?
O'NEILL: It's not going to happen though, no. They have social media. You're kind of out there always and most people, to get in that office, they are pretty charismatic. They're not that boring. I did get a kick out of the - we want someone like Tim Kaine without the charisma or as I'd like to call him, Tim Kaine. The whole thing is not getting someone in the White House. The problem that I'm seeing in Washington and I get worked up quite a bit is not the person who is in the White House for eight years, it's the person who is in the capital for 35 years. That is the issue and the whole thing about - if you don't like them, get them out. Don't buy into the same old nonsense. Look, when they trashed Robert Bourque, same thing they are doing to Kavanaugh right now.
Kennedy who was appointed by Reagan, they said back alley abortions will overturn Roe v Wade, blah-blah, talking point after talking point, it's all the same nonsense. Do a little research and realize that maybe media has an agenda.
GUTFELD: Hey, Tyrus. How are you?
MURDOCH: Hey, Greg. I'm [bleep] great.
GUTFELD: I think boring is impossible. It's like once you have a smart phone, you can't imagine life without a smart phone and it's a stimulus that you didn't know you needed and Trump is kind of an entertainer in chief that you never knew you needed, right?
MURDOCH: This is after President Trump's run, I can envision the new president getting ready to give a speech in the little rainbow bars come up, and but he's been canceled.
It's not an impeachment, it's just, your numbers aren't good. You're only doing 1.5 in the demo and Gutfeld has got you beat by three points in the 18 to 49 demo. We depended so much on 24 hours a day of Trump, Trump, Trump. I don't think we can do like 15 minutes of whoever it is. I'm saying like, "Hi, I'm the president." Oh, the sky is terrible. He has got to go. He did not tweet anything and it's 3:00 a.m. like I stayed up for some fireworks and you're going to tell me this guy is asleep. He has got to go.
GUTFELD: Kat, I mean, like Mike Pence isn't very exciting. He's boring.
TIMPF: I find Mike Pence incredibly exciting.
GUTFELD: I don't think he could be alone with you. I don't know what you're talking about.
TIMPF: I don't even know what it means what I just said. No, we don't need anyone boring because we are not a boring country. We like shoot guns recreationally.
GUTFELD: That's true.
TIMPF: We have a contest every year where people smash wet hotdogs into their faces to see who can you the most of that. We have Bravo which is an entire TV network of rich, white ladies throwing drinks on each other. The whole network. We don't need a boring president because that's not our brand, Greg. That's not our brand.
GUTFELD: Here is my solution. If you want a boring president, the perfect one, a robot. AI - artificial intelligence.
TIMPF: He can't not go there.
MURDOCH: Oh boy, you've just got to go there.
GUTFELD: Nothing in the Constitution says the president has to be made of flesh. Look it up. It's not even in the Declaration of Independence which I think had stuff in there about robots.
GUTFELD: It was, right?
MURDOCH: It's a big argument. Indians and keeping those damn robots in line was a big ...
GUTFELD: I'm introducing an amendment that allows robots to serve in government because I know they will be taking over and I will be their leader. All right, I know. Coming up, should oral exams be banned in schools? We discuss - which I believe is still legal in real life.
ROBERT GRAY, CORRESPONDENT, FOX NEWS: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Robert Gray. Tropical storm Florence is crawling across the Carolinas causing at least 11 deaths and catastrophic flooding. Authorities say flooding will only get worse as the record rainfall is expected to last another 24 hours. All that rain is making it difficult for the military to get more helicopters in the air so they can rescue those trapped in their homes. North Carolina's governor has a warning for residents.
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ROY COOPER, GOVERNOR, NORTH CAROLINA: The flood danger from the storm is more immediate today than when it was - than when it made landfall just 24 hours ago. Floodwater are rising and if you are not watching for them, you are risking your life.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GRAY: Florence has knocked out power for nearly one million homes and businesses. I'm Robert Gray and now back to...
GUTFELD: They are doing a lot of shrieking over public speaking. According to The Atlantic, the magazine, not the ocean, Rob, more and more students are using social media to protest in class presentations. Saying they discriminate against kids who have anxiety. They claim forcing anxious kids to speak publicly is unfair because they're bound to tank the presentation while suffering long-term stress. Their demanding teachers offer alternative options.
Meanwhile, others argue that exposure therapy, not what you think, Chris, helps treat anxiety disorders so facing their fear is the cure. Said one high school teacher, "We are in the business of preparing students for college, career and civic life. Public speaking is a piece of that preparation."
He can't hear you. The guy I quotes is not in the audience - for more, let's check in with my old public speaking teacher.
Taught me everything I knew. All right, Tyrus, I'm going to make this a personal thing, like if you are a successful performer and have a fear of flying, that fear must either be conquered or you relegate yourself to a local dinner theater or just being the only comic in your town. If you are going to be successful, you've got to get over that fear so if you let the fear stay within you, you don't achieve.
MURDOCH: You won't go anywhere. It's funny, the great John Madden hated to fly.
GUTFELD: He took the bus.
MURDOCH: But he took a bus, but he owned a bus. He got to a point where he could make moves around his anxieties. You are in school. What do you want to do? Text your answers? Is that what we're at now? I text my speech to the class. I mean, this is - as a parent, if my child ever came to me he wouldn't have gotten that sentence out of his mouth. Dad, I think- are you kidding? Life is uncomfortable, things are going to be tough. You're going to be embarrassed, you're going to feel - but now, since we've known all of these pretty words like anxiety and comfort, do your job. You're going to speak in front and if you're bad at it, guess what? We won't send you two theater camp this summer. Okay?
But if you get in front - I mean, I had to learn, I like to talk, but I used to have butterflies and stuff like that, the only way I got over it was, "Guess what, I got up and talked." So you can't fix it unless you do it. The fact that this is even a story - give me the - just keep them liberals out of my school, man. Just give me them old me ladies I had.
GUTFELD: I used to get - Kat, I used to have butterflies and pull the wings off them though. The worst thing you could do, to a kid acquiesce to their fears because people have fears about gym class. people have fears about everything. If you say okay, don't do it, what are you raising?
TIMPF: Right, if you don't make yourself uncomfortable, then you never have the opportunity to grow. See, I really am Tony Robbins. But also, I resent the idea that it's unfair to grade students based on their presentation, they are speaking skills because outgoing students are going to do better than shyer students. Duh, just like a student who is better at math is going to probably do better on a math test than a student that's not as good at math.
Students have different skill sets and some are more outgoing and I always really like public speaking. I love the presentation day because I was like me, me, everyone, hello. Hello, class. I also had a harder time with math. I never said I should not take a math test because I'm not good at it. And these students shouldn't be treating this the exact same way.
GUTFELD: Thank you for continuing the stereotype that women are not good at math. You disgust me.
TIMPF: I didn't say - I ended up getting good grades but I had to work really hard at it. Whereas public speaking, I'm clearly a natural.
GUTFELD: That is so true. Chris, people do have anxiety - I used to have fear of flying - I had anxiety about that, and I got over that with the help of drugs and alcohol. And - but the thing is, it's like anybody can say anxiety now and use that to get out of anything. Life is anxiety.
FRIED: Well, the word protest first of all for this whole thing is - if everyone is protesting everything and just not liking something is now a protest or whatever, but it's funny to me because it makes it sound more hypocritical or ironic because now, it's like, I hate public speaking in front of people. That's why I got this sign in and I'm marching around in this crowd and yelling at everybody who is looking at me.
GUTFELD: It's so true.
FRIED: For like, rallies it's going to be super awkward because then everyone is just standing around at an empty podium and they're like, "No, you go talk. You go do it." "No, you do it. You get them going."
TIMPF: I just remembered that I actually did start an anti-math protests in my first grade, but I had to go to the principal's office. The behavior was not rewarded.
GUTFELD: No, it wasn't. You've done some pretty scary things. Public speaking according to studies people prefer to die than speak.
O'NEILL: They prefer to die. I've been in combat and I'm also a public speaker and there is a big difference. But the first time you're up there, I get shot at less now that I'm a public speaker, but like you said, the key to getting up there, one is hard work and two, the drinking thing, but I mean, there's the whole thing with this - it's people and their smart phones. They have anxiety. They can't get over - try texting your first job interview. If you want nonverbal communication, that's when you graduate and you're outside with the "Will work for food" sign. So that's what I mean, think about the stuff that's going to be smart for us. Imagine like Gettysburg address being on one of those like an Instagram live with a funny hat and cat face and squeaky [bleep] voice or whatever ...
GUTFELD: I find that arousing.
MURDOCH: I'm just sitting here as a parent and I if I do my parenting module by these people, so the next time my and son and I goes, "Dad, there's something under my bed ..." "Yes, there is, God help you and close the door." Because we don't want to - because I don't want call him a liar. I don't want to hurt him.
So we'll just let him be afraid of the thing under the bed because it must be real because he sees it.
FRIED: I was laughing at the next step. The next protest is going to be won't work for food. Everyone is going to be supporting that somehow. We shouldn't work at all. No.
GUTFELD: We are creating a legion of laptop warriors who are really mean and brave from afar who could say terrible things about you as part of a mob, but you know what, get up and say it. Get up and say it. They won't.
That is why robots. This robot bartender can make a hundred drinks an hour. Check him out. He will also hit a girlfriend which is wrong.
He won't bicker when he brings you the liquor, he'll bring you the booze without all the schmooze. Yes, an Estonian company, aren't they all - has developed a fully autonomous robot bartender that's set to debut, silent T, in Europe. Yanu can make up to 150 drinks per hour. He can offer drink suggestions, process payment and even hit on your date. Its designer says the machine could revolutionize bartending by lowering operating costs and never needs a sick day or vacation.
Yanu - stupid name - can only hold 50 bottles at a time so can mix most drinks but not everything. But if it can make the perfect cocktail every time, I say why not? I never know if I am mixing the right amount. Here is me trying to make a pina colada the other night.
I have some serious issues. Safe to say, I have a drinking problem, Kat. Because I couldn't make it drink. That's what I meant.
GUTFELD: What happens to actors and actresses now when there are robot bartenders, they will be out of work.
TIMPF: Yes, absolutely.
GUTFELD: At least in New York.
MURDOCH: Not all of us.
TIMPF: I really don't know how I feel about this robot bartender thing. On the one hand, I don't like it because robot bartenders can't talk to me about my feelings. They are probably not give me extra tequila on the second drink because I tipped a bunch on the first drink, but on the other hand, they're not ignore me at the bar when I go there without my hair extensions in and no makeup in favor of the girls with real long hair who know how to do their makeup and tell me to just watch a tutorial online and I will learn how to do it. Even though the last time I tried that I wound up looking like a five-year-old whose drunk mom did her makeup for her first dance recital.
GUTFELD: Sad. Sad stuff there Tyrus. You know what I like about - I live at bars. I love actual organic bartenders, real people but I'm tired of the discrimination based on height. If there are no seats taken, all the seats are taken at the bar.
MURDOCH: You need a seat - it's the little forehead with the bartender. Bartender ...
GUTFELD: True, but a robot can have cameras all over the bar.
MURDOCH: Unless the scanner is set too high. I mean, you know ...
GUTFELD: But a little guy like me can just happen to wait ...
MURDOCH: ... Greg is starting to get the robot ...
GUTFELD: Why do tall people get drinks faster? That's totally ...
MURDOCH: Because we can look them dead in their eye and you know - my big concern is this is a scary message to the American workers in the service industry. Change is coming. Robots don't get sick. They don't make mistakes.
GUTFELD: They don't text ...
MURDOCH: They don't over pour.
GUTFELD: They don't steal.
MURDOCH: They don't steal and they are cheaper. If they can make drinks, they can serve burgers. They can serve restaurants and they won't be late with your food and they won't have bad service. This is a change.
GUTFELD: There even redesigning McDonalds. They are redesigning fastfood restaurants that are eliminating space for people. You can have 100 million people that aren't working anymore.
O'NEILL: I pretty much thank the living wage for making people think about that because I am getting - he doesn't need a break or he doesn't get tips and I don't need to pay him. I already pay for him. I am just hoping that when we get - I love bartenders. I am hoping that they'd be like the cute funny ones in "Star Wars" not like the gloomy humanless ones we have at Applebee's.
GUTFELD: Yes, I never drink at an Applebee's.
O'NEILL: Oh, they serve the beers, their delightful.
GUTFELD: I've never gotten drunk at an Applebee's.
MURDOCH: You shouldn't. It's a family restaurant. It would be weird.
GUTFELD: Yes, it is. Like I'm going to go get wasted at the Olive Garden.
MURDOCH: Yes, I mean go like entertain with your wine and ruin everybody's meal with great stories.
GUTFELD: Be like the regular Applebee's bar. Wait, a minute, I'm probably insulting somebody right now.
MURDOCH: The only one table wondering if the guy was like this - you're holding this glass like that. Yes, you're going to have a good time.
GUTFELD: Chris, I think this is going to create a rebound effect where bars with humans are going to become more popular, like they will say, "We're an organic restaurant." We're organic meaning we have humans.
FRIED: I like that. My first thought in the article was that we need to stop letting Europe take charge of this whole IE situation.
FRIED: What did I say?\
FRIED: I don't know ...
GUTFELD: They can take charge except after C ...
MURDOCH: Your vowels, you're close in the ballpark.
GUTFELD: So you said, you're tired of them taking charge of AI ...
FRIED: Yes, because these European companies, the only thing they are using them for is the sex bots and drinking now. They're just skipping medical stuff which is where I thought - and I feel like what's happening is they are programming them too close to actual humans and now we have these AI bots dropping out of med school and becoming bartenders like everybody else. How did that happen? Or hookers or something.
GUTFELD: You're going to end up with an AI bartender who really wants to act.
O'NEILL: Yes, and now all of a sudden, it's interesting to know the robots are making those movies you like.
GUTFELD: Oh, I know. Coming up, obviously a great story, the deli worker accused of eating $9,000.00 worth of sliced ham. Sounds like a real porker. All right.
So who's the bigger jerk? Is it the clerk or her place of work? She worked in the deli section of a Giant Eagle grocery store in Ohio for eight years. During which time, she's alleged to have three to five slices of ham every day. And sometimes salami. The store's loss prevention manager gets wind of this and crutches numbers and claims that over the eight years, she ate $9,200.00 worth of the stores him and sometimes salami, which qualifies, believe it or not, as a felony. Does that make her a ham burglar? I did not write that. Not necessarily, by the way, the sheriff's office says felony charges are unlikely and thank goodness for that because let's be honest, we all take stuff from work every now and then.
Any one of us could face theft charges if our bosses wanted to take an inventory.
TIMPF: Hey, Greg, what's that on your desk?
GUTFELD: Just some stuff.
TIMPF: Like what?
GUTFELD: Stuff I've got to take home. I've got some paperclips, I've got some pens, you never know when you're going to need a big role of men's room paper, dispensary paper for your - next to the toilet. You never know.
TIMPF: Yes, and what's up and you?
GUTFELD: Nothing. I don't have anything.
TIMPF: Right behind you.
GUTFELD: This is just my printer - I've just got to take it home just for a little bit, but I don't think Lou is going to notice it gone because he's got plenty of stuff there.
TIMPF: And what is this behind the couch?
GUTFELD: That's Vic. He works in maintenance. He was going to come home tonight and change my light bulbs because I'm too short.
TIMPF: No, he's not. Vic, get back to work.
GUTFELD: Meet me by the car, Vic. Just get in the back seat. Don't eat any of the mints. A little - Rob, it's kind of weird to monitor all of her ham intake.
O'NEILL: So, $9,200.00 worth of ham, what's it's like, three pounds? What's funny about this though, this is the most costly game of hide the salami since Anthony Weiner.
GUTFELD: Always works.
O'NEILL: Every time.
GUTFELD: Very, very nice. Doesn't everybody who has a job, Chris, steal from their work except for me?
FRIED: Yes, definitely.
GUTFELD: What do you steal? You're a comedian. What can you steal from a comedy show, not inside jokes but you would never do that?
FRIED: I steal the show, obviously. All right, these fine people's hearts is what I steal.
GUTFELD: You take from the bar. Come on.
FRIED: That is true.
GUTFELD: ... fruit, you take it, straws ...
FRIED: It is true, but sometimes depending on the service on a human bartender sometimes, I steal back tips if it doesn't go that well.
GUTFELD: Oh my god, that's so funny. That is very bad.
FRIED: This is kind of off-topic but one time I just met this girl, we were talking and we got drinks and the bartender was like, oh, is that together or separate and the girl said, "Separate," like right away and I said oh, sorry. I was like, thanks a lot, bartender - so I took a few back.
Anyway, I guess I was doomed either way. Ham lady I feel like there's more to the story because it wasn't it was a nine-year period. A long time. It couldn't have been just the boss that saw her do that. At any moment, it could have been a coworker - it was someone that knew her personally, and they were like ...
TIMPF: They probably called her ham lady.
GUTFELD: I have a theory, Kat, that it's like "Silence of the Lambs." She was like making a dress out of ham.
FRIED: There you go.
TIMPF: I don't think that this woman should be besmirched.
GUTFELD: Nice word.
TIMPF: I don't think that she should be charged, I think she should be facing a crowd that is giving her a standing ovation because holy, heck, that's a lot of ham.
GUTFELD: It is a lot of ham.
TIMPF: I mean, geez Louise. How are you going to eat $9,200.00 worth of ham?
GUTFELD: You know what she did, Tyrus, you ever see those people, those magicians that try to eat an entire car over time, she ate an entire pig, slice by slice.
MURDOCH: She ate a few pigs of $9,000.00 - you know it was someone she worked with, right? Probably older and one day he just had it. "Hey, Martha, I've been watching you for the last eight years stuffing ham in your throat every time. I've seen it. I've got photos." What do you mean? "I've got photos." Poladroids.
GUTFELD: ... like eating it. She was just taking it home and she was just putting it in her purse or slipping it in her pantyhose.
MURDOCH: Yes, and then he goes upstairs to the boss with this thing - I've been covering this for eight years. Sorry, Sal, we don't care. Free samples. I mean, that's the cold part. Every time - one of the favorite things to make on my cheat day is a hoagie. When I go and I get my roast beef and turkey, guess what, they let me sample it. I've been doing for probably, forever. If you want to add that up, so then probably - they don't give slices of meat away, but by the day, it's really never - whoever was setting her up, went to the management and put his evidence out because this is what this punk ass - because she voted for Trump so she's laid them all out. I guarantee you that's what it is.
GUTFELD: Last word.
MURDOCH: I'll be you, that's what it is.
O'NEILL: Do you ever notice you don't ever see any of the [bleep] missing?
GUTFELD: Nobody shoplifts vegetables. That's for sure. Because we love our meat. All right, final thoughts, next. Please don't leave.
We are out of time. Thanks to Rob O'Neill, Chris Fried, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, and our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you.
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