This is a rush transcript from "The Five," July 26, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Juan Williams along with Lisa Boothe, Jesse Watters, Dana Perino, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York, actually, a little later, in New York City, and this is "The Five."
As you just saw, President Trump wrapping up a speech to steelworkers in Illinois just moments ago. He's also visited farmers in Iowa. That was earlier today.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: We have his hat made up. Look at that. It's the John Deere colors, actually, but make our farmers great again. Isn't that great?
TRUMP: Basically, we opened up Europe. And it's going to be a great thing for Europe, and it's really going to be a great thing for us, and it's going to be really great thing for our farmers. After years of shutdowns and cutbacks, today the blast furnace here in Granite City is blazing bright, workers are back on the job, and we are once again pouring new American steel into the spine of our country.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAMS: Now, some people are saying one of the biggest problems for Democrats in 2018, this year, and 2020, the presidential election year, is the party's inability to develop a cohesive message to counter President Trump. In fact, an op-ed in the New York Times today foreshadows Trump winning reelection in 2020 due to the strong economy. Senator Elizabeth Warren, who is rumored to be a future possible opponent of the president, offered a much different approach than Trump. Here she is calling for higher taxes?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN, D-MASS.: There was a time in a very prosperous America, an America that was growing a middle-class, and America in which working families were doing better generation after generation after generation, where the top marginal rate was well above 50 percent.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAMS: So, Jesse, I think the president and Republicans want to talk about the economy, about the stock market doing well, they've had some trouble delivering the message on the benefits of a tax cut, but we see the president getting out there and this may be the message he wants to deliver going into the midterms.
JESSE WATTERS, CO-HOST: First of all, I want that green hat. That looks pretty good.
WILLIAMS: Wait, wait, wait, it would cover up our wonderful.
LISA BOOTHE, GUEST CO-HOST: Yeah, you did just got your hair cut.
WATTERS: That's true.
BOOTHE: Why waste the money if you do that.
WATTERS: I think I agree. I think Trump needs to focus like a laser on the economy, and law and order, and judges, and keep hammering Democrats as socialist freaks who kneel during the national anthem. There are great headlines coming out of the economy. We're supposed to get an enormous GDP number tomorrow, maybe 3, 4, 5 percent. We've had three straight quarters of 3 percent GDP economic growth. And low unemployment, fantastic for everyone. And the tax cut has delivered a $2,600 cut to every family in this country. But there are areas of concern, the wages dipped a little bit the last quarter. They're still up 2.8 percent, where under Obama they were flat. And the trade deal is tough because, you know, you see some places like we're talking about, you know, you have steel companies closing, and then you have aluminum companies opening up.
And what he did with the E.U. was actually very smart. I think what he did is he's saying for short term pain, we want long term gain. So he raised some tariffs and they came back begging yesterday. And they have a verbal deal and they're going to now drop the tariffs on nonindustrial goods, they're going to drop the tariffs on liquefied natural gas. We still have the auto tariffs in play which isn't good for Michigan and South Carolina. But, all in all, you know, the farm subsidies I think are good politics but bad economics. But it's just showing the trade partners, listen, we're going to soften the blow because you're not going to inflict any pain on us. And, in order to eventually bring down all trade barriers, and that's the goal, free and open and fair trade.
WILLIAMS: OK. So, Dana, Jesse makes the case, I think, from the Trump perspective that you want your partners -- and I think the president said his favorite word is reciprocal.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Reciprocal.
WILLIAMS: But here's the thing, in the papers today it said, my little pony, Jack Daniel's, Coca-Cola, G.M., the farmers, and Whirlpool, all say, you know what, this is hurting us, hurting our profits.
PERINO: It is an -- I think that's one of the reason you saw the president, one, be conciliatory towards the E.U. yesterday. It's just good for our allies, for us to work together. They didn't actually agree to anything yesterday. They just agreed to stop fighting in public and to deal with the issues, and that's great because we need to fight as allies against countries like China. I think that the president is smart to get out of town. In the early years of the Bush administration, that first term, the economy was great. You could not get a lot of media coverage around it. Obviously, we are at war as well.
The great thing for the president, if he wants good headlines is he had to go to these places, and watch where the president goes. He's to places where he can help vulnerable Republicans members. He went to Iowa today and Illinois. There's two members there, Republican, they are in very bad shape, and he wanted to go and help shore them up. He'll probably return to those places. The other thing I would say is -- that Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Michigan, all of his numbers there are really bad. And so, where these tariff issues should help should be there. They're not helping so much. So he's got to figure out how to turn that around. And by being conciliatory towards the E.U., he might be able to do that.
WILLIAMS: Greg, how did you get back from Granite City so quickly?
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Boy, you know what? Private plane.
WILLIAMS: Oh, I see.
GUTFELD: And a tunnel. And a tunnel.
WILLIAMS: A tunnel.
GUTFELD: You know, it's like -- looking at Liz Warren and other folks like Cory Booker, right now we have so much good news, so much good news, and the Dems are fixated on finding bad news. They're like those old, strange men on the beach with metal detectors, you know, that are walking too close to you. Yeah, hoping to find something, except they're misery detectors and they can't find any misery so they have to invent misery. In this case, Liz Warren wants to raise tax rates to 50 percent for people, for some people, and rollback the tax cuts. She's essentially a success extinguisher. She's looking at the economy like it's a fire and she wants to put it out. That's what she's doing. Here's what I worry about is that it might achieve something. What I've noticed is that -- we might be entering the second part of a political cycle that's been going on since the '60s. The Republicans come in and they fix things, and that allows the Democrats to come in and break things because there're things to be broken, and then you get the Republicans back into fix things because the Democrats broke things and then the Republicans fix things, and then, the public say, oh, now we can sustain more Democrats. So they come in to break things. And this goes back and forth. So Republicans fix, Democrats break. Republican fix, Democrats break. This has been going on since the 1960s. So now, Trump has fixed a half a dozen things, and everybody is going, and you know what, let's give those Democrats another chance. Let them break some stuff.
BOOTHE: We can't let them break it.
BOOTHE: To Dana's point too, you know, he is there because of vulnerable members of congress, but he's also talking to -- I think, key constituencies right now. Talking to steel workers and farmers because there are people that have felt the effects of this, you know, trade tariffs that are going back and forth. And so, I think his message to them, both with the farmers and the steelworkers, is I'm with you. I was with you because you were the forgotten men and women who President Obama left behind, and I'm standing with you now and I'm fighting for you. And so, I think it's really critical time for him to be sending that message, and also to be touting the fact that we have seen hundreds of thousands of manufacturing jobs added under President Trump. The economy is good. As Jesse pointed out, GDP growth tomorrow.
WILLIAMS: One quick question.
WILLIAMS: The deficit, because he's offering 12 billion in subsidies to the farmers. Even the farmers are like, boy, you know, with the tax cuts they didn't pan out and now this that blows up the deficit. It used to be a Republican thing.
GUTFELD: It's used to be -- was a Democrat thing.
WILLIAMS: I've said Republicans.
GUTFELD: I know. But the Democrats didn't care about deficit. You guys invented them.
BOOTHE: I'm not down -- I'm not down with the bailouts, but I think President Trump can say that I'm fighting for you. And yesterday's press conference also came at a critical time for him to be able to say that, look, this is having a movement and effect.
WILLIAMS: OK. All right. Trump allies pushing to impeach Rod Rosenstein, but could the plan open the door for Democrats to go after President Trump? Boy, that's a big debate and it's next.
WATTERS: The Republicans are planning to impeach Rod Rosenstein. We'll see how that goes. Freedom caucus leaders are accusing the deputy attorney general of stonewalling their request for documents, but aren't finding the support they need right now. Meantime, a turn in what the president calls the Russia witch hunts. Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly examining the president's tweets and a possible obstruction case. All right. So, I think, let's start with the Rosenstein situation, Dana. I think what they're asking for are the original documents that existed to justify the opening of this Russia-Trump probe, and they have not been able to find any of those documents. They've been stonewalled, and the subpoenas have not been respected. But it doesn't look like this thing is going to go anywhere, the impeachment deal.
PERINO: Yeah, I don't think so. This is one of those ones where I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's not going anywhere. And you could have Alan Dershowitz say it is the most shortsighted and I have to say stupid thing I have heard in a long time. You have -- basically what he's saying is we have Democrats and others saying impeach, impeach, impeach of the president, and that, obviously, looks ridiculous.
WATTERS: Oh, yeah.
PERINO: And that this -- Republicans, like 20 of them, saying OK impeach Rod Rosenstein over something that the justice department says is not necessary. Anyway, so, no, I don't think that's going anywhere.
WATTERS: it could have been contempt. That might have been more of a stepping stone before impeachment. Greg, what do you think?
GUTFELD: Yeah, I don't think I've heard a single person that had actually said this is a good idea.
WILLIAMS: I think it's a great idea.
GUTFELD: America, there is your proof. Juan is saying this is a good idea. Do not do it.
WILLIAMS: Good idea.
GUTFELD: Here's the big problem. Impeachment proceedings require hearings, which will be required to carry, all right? And these are going to be really boring, stupid hearings.
PERINO: And it will cut into "The Five."
GUTFELD: It will cut.
WATTERS: It will cut into the monologue.
GUTFELD: It will cut into the monologue. There'll be no five. You'll miss Outnumbered, Fox & Friends, everything is gone. And all your favorite shows in other channels will be gone too. No Judge Judy, is she still around?
WATTERS: Yeah, she's making a lot of money. All right, Juan, what do you think about this, and what do you think about Mueller going after Trump's mean tweets.
WILLIAMS: I don't think it's the meanest. I think it's evidence or potential evidence of obstruction in what he's trying to do. But, to me, this is a wonderful political story. I mean, forget for a second impeachment. Impeachment -- I mean, that's so -- it's so petty and mean- spirited. I don't know. But, anyway.
WATTERS: I'll remember you said that.
GUTFELD: Maxine Watters wants to impeach Trump. That's different.
WILLIAMS: Excuse me, these guys are the majority. They're in power, Greg. They can actually do this. But, of course, what you heard from -- even Speaker Paul Ryan is -- he doesn't support it, right?
BOOTHE: But he also said that he is frustrated as well with the DOJ, and not providing the documents that have been subpoenaed and asked for. And we look at things like text messages that popped up in the I.G. report that were never given to congress. So I think it's perfectly fair for Republicans that are conducting these investigations to be frustrated with Rod Rosenstein. And so, I think the point of this is to stir some sort of action, to put pressure on leadership, put pressure on the DOJ and Rod Rosenstein. Look, you've got to have the numbers for impeachment and they don't have that in the house. You're not going to have it moving forward if anything happened in the house to the senate. So, I mean, the numbers aren't there. So, I think the point is to put pressure, and congress really doesn't have a lot of tools at their disposal. You look at contempt, what did that do with Eric Holder, absolutely nothing.
WILLIAMS: But, Lisa, this is not high crimes and misdemeanors. No law has been broken.
WATTERS: Well, that's what they're trying to find out. What they're looking for, Juan, are the documents that shows how did the investigation begin? Was there probable cause? Was their intelligence?
WATTERS: And they're looking at, when they issue the FISA warrant, was proper FBI protocol followed? No, they didn't. They're also looking for what was redacted from the FISA warrant. And the fact that Rosenstein hasn't come forward and say, here you go, because you guys have proper oversight, makes people think why isn't this guy playing ball?
GUTFELD: This is such a mistake, which is let it die. Let it go away.
WILLIAMS: No, Greg.
GUTFELD: By the way, my camera is out. I don't know where to look.
PERINO: The house is now out for five weeks.
WATTERS: Wait, what?
WATTERS: I'm running for congress.
WATTERS: All right. Sending money, the Super PAC is over here. Mark Zuckerberg be out at Facebook, we'll found out.
PERINO: Some big problems brewing for big tech, President Trump taking aim at twitter over its reported shadow banning of some prominent conservatives, the social media platform under fire for allegedly restricting Republicans' visibility in search results. The president vowed to look into what he called the illegal practice. Though, Twitter officials describe it as a glitch they're trying to fix. And Mark Zuckerberg is on the hot seat after his company loses over 100 billion, with a B, dollars in value in the wake of its mounting scandals. Facebook shareholders have reportedly filed a proposal to remove him as chairman. Is that too extreme, Greg?
GUTFELD: I don't know. I mean, this is very interesting to coin a phrase. I think with social media, the bloom has come off the rose.
PERINO: Oh, that's a great saying. I think that will really catch on.
GUTFELD: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to quote, this is the greatest thing ever said about social media. Walter Kurt tweeted this last night, he said if twitter sells you conflict, Instagram sells you envy, and Facebook simply sells you. And I think -- if you think about that, people are starting to figure it out. You get on twitter, you get angry. When you get on Instagram, you get jealous. And when you're on Facebook you feel like you're being manipulated. And I think there's time to like -- these things have grown very quickly. Pull back, take a day off, twitter. Figure out, should you ban anonymity? Could that change twitter? If everybody's name was attached, that would be a start.
PERINO: Then you would know -- I mean, the shadow banning thing, Lisa, what do you think about it? I mean, the liberals sort of caught on last week to this issue and they said that conservatives are being favored by Facebook and they got headlines out of that.
BOOTHE: Well, I thought was most illuminating is Jonathan Swan of Axios who, I think, did a great job doing reporting. But he said that, basically, conservatives have been coming to him for a while now and saying that stuff like this was going on and he never believed it. And what's interesting is now that it was reported in Vice, which is a liberal publication, people might actually take it seriously. So, I thought that was sort of illuminating. But regarding Facebook, they made, basically, the biggest mistake of all which was getting caught in President Trump's orbit and all of this Russia stuff because Facebook, basically, was like Teflon until that hit, and now they're dealing with the carnage and the damage of it.
WATTERS: Well, I know what Facebook did wrong, they messed with Diamond and Silk. That is the problem. That's why you see their market value plunge it's the curse of Diamond and Silk. In all seriousness, though, I would buy Facebook. I mean.
PERINO: That's what I wonder. I mean, I know nothing about how they do those things, but.
WATTERS: Buy and sell stock?
WATTERS: Call your broker.
PERINO: I don't really have one. I don't. But, I have -- I don't know, it's like a mutual fund, but whatever. Is it now a good time to buy.
WATTERS: I would buy. I mean, it's way down. It's a great company, and Zuckerberg is a genius, and he aced the Capitol Hill hearing. I think he's a really smart guy. He's got a little bit right now.
GUTFELD: You're looking for a job, aren't you?
PERINO: Well, if he ever writes a book, he must. Juan, you tell me, is it too extreme to say that Zuckerberg should be out of the job?
WILLIAMS: No, it's crazy. You know, he created this -- I mean -- and also, remember, I think Jesse said this to me just a moment ago. He said, you know, the only way that you can justify losing that much money is you made even more money. And he's made a lot of money for a lot of people. And I don't think Facebook is going away, but I think it's going to change.
I think one of the things that I'd like to see change is they and this pretense that they are neutral platform. They're not neutral. They have to make decisions. And they should, in fact, censor some of the hate speech. I mean, people from Sandy Hook whose children were --
PERINO: They're trying to use a mix of people but also algorithms to do that, and it's frustrating.
WILLIAMS: Yes, but the algorithms are what got them in trouble yesterday, because people said, "Oh, some of these Republicans drop things that automatically drop when you click. It isn't quite working." And then they said it was the algorithms. But --
WATTERS: But the problem is the people that create the algorithms are usually politically-correct whiz kids. And there's bias baked into that cake. If you're designing an algorithm that says conservative speech is more akin to hate speech than liberal speech, automatically, it's going to be a biased against conservatives.
WILLIAMS: Maybe -- maybe if that's what you see, you have to watch this carefully. Because I side with you. I want free speech. But I'm going to tell you, hate speech, bullying, harassment, intimidation, that should not be --
BOOTHE: But the problems are the fake stuff.
WILLIAMS: The whole fake stuff.
WATTERS: They'll have to get rid of The New York Times.
BOOTHE: Ben Sasse did the best job --
WILLIAMS: Oh, my gosh.
BOOTHE: But Ben Sasse asked Mark Zuckerberg to try to define hate speech, and he stumbled and struggled with defining it.
BOOTHE: So I think that's a problem.
But my favorite -- my favorite tweet. There's a Reason reporter that tweeted after the Senate hearing and said that Mark Zuckerberg has every millennial's worst fear: trying to explain technology to the nation's elderly. Because that was part of why he did so well at the hearing is --
PERINO: Well, a lot of the people complaining are not elderly -- Eric.
BOOTHE: With all due respect.
GUTFELD: Hate speech -- hate speech, sorry to say, is in the eye of the beholder.
GUTFELD: And it depends who's in charge. And they're going to say that "You're being mean to me." So that's why the -- the problem with hate speech is that it's subjective.
WATTERS: It's like art.
GUTFELD: It is. It is.
And the other thing, too, is I don't think people understand algorithms. You know, just because someone is using an algorithm on you isn't wrong. They're -- like everybody does A-B testing with companies. Let's say -- let's say McDonald's. They'll try McRiblets in one place but not in another place. That's A-B testing.
WATTERS: Let's talk about it.
GUTFELD: They're fantastic. I'm sorry, that's Applebee's.
So what happens is they're test -- when they test algorithms, oftentimes they test them on some people and see how it works. Dating sites do this a lot. They will test a dating algorithm. And people will go, "Well, I want -- you know, I want the other thing." Well, this could be better.
So algorithms, it's not -- it's not wrong to use an algorithm.
PERINO: I have an idea. You should create for "The G.G. Show" a character named Al Gore Rhythm.
GUTFELD: Al Gore Rhythm. I think I did once.
PERINO: My gosh. Harvard takes the sisterhood out of sorority, and Greg explains the Ivy League's co-ed controversy next.
GUTFELD: They cut that song out pretty -- pretty early.
All right. A Harvard sorority just announced they're going gender neutral. Kappa Alpha Theta, if that's their real name, will actually be changing its name, delinking itself from its national chapter, all because Harvard penalizes its members by withholding student leadership positions, as well as other perks while still charging them, of course, 60 grand a year.
I know: It's hard to care about a Harvard sorority. Talk about a rough life. But it's a slow news day. And clubs -- and clubs, by nature, are clubby. People join based on shared traits, hobbies and so on. If you like stamps, you join a stamp club. If you like motorcycles, you join the Hell's Angels.
In high school, I couldn't join the boys' chorus, because I couldn't sing. And I couldn't join the girls' chorus, because I went to an all-boys school. I could only sing in the shower, often by myself. It was pure hell, but I managed.
But the irony of forcing inclusivity on clubs is that inevitably, clubs go away. It's not worth the trouble. Society is now in a gender panic where it's scandalous to say that boys and girls are different and that they like different things.
I've yet to run into a single male who likes Maroon 5.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(MUSIC: MAROON 5)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I think you see my point there.
And so, social circles will likely fold to pressure from self-serious college administrators. Maybe that's why everyone prefers to live on social media, for maybe it more closely resembles real life with friends, enemies, insults, jokes, insights, and genius. And it's 60-grand a year cheaper.
Is it true, Dana?
PERINO: I think that that's true. You make a very good point.
GUTFELD: Thank you. Thank you very much. I wish I knew which one it was.
PERINO: Well, that people like to be in a club, right?
PERINO: Because if you're on social media, remember, it was just last week that that actor, Duplass, whatever --
PERINO: -- got in trouble with all of his friends and his club, because he said, "Maybe if you want to follow somebody that might not totally agree with you, try Ben Shapiro."
PERINO: And then his club wanted to --
GUTFELD: Club him.
PERINO: And also, a huge concern for people right now is the destruction of civil society.
PERINO: And part of that is that people don't belong to clubs --
PERINO: -- anymore.
GUTFELD: We need clubs.
PERINO: Rotary Club, things like this. People would get together and do things. Put on the parade. Have the event. Come help assimilate immigrants, things like that. This is actually a very interesting point that you made.
GUTFELD: Yes. You know, Juan, OK, there are other -- there are black fraternities. You would -- people would go crazy if you tried to say, "OK, black fraternities have to accept white people. Or gay fraternities have to accept straight people." I mean, a sorority is -- is a sorority a sorority anymore if it is gender-neutral?
WATTERS: I guess.
WILLIAMS: I think its roots are as a female organization.
WILLIAMS: But I mean, so much of this is kind of reactionary, if you will. I mean, like, you were talking about black fraternities, black sororities. Guess what? They were created because they weren't --
WILLIAMS: Black people were not allowed into the white ones.
GUTFELD: Good point.
GUTFELD: Good point.
WILLIAMS: And with the women's thing, it's interesting. You know, the male fraternities are the ones, especially at places like Harvard, Princeton, Yale. They're the ones that have all the tradition and the power and the secret societies.
GUTFELD: Skull and Bones.
WILLIAMS: And women, for the longest time, were saying, "Hey, how come we can't get in?" I mean, you know, Radcliffe, right, was the girls' school. And Harvard, the boys' school. Remember, all that has shifted. So we've seen changes.
And for the most part, I think it's good, Greg. I think that you should be able to go. But the worry would be that -- and I think you hear this from a lot of women who argue that you need women's schools, women's colleges. Because that's where women get to be stronger.
BOOTHE: It's so stupid. It's so dumb. If someone wants to start a club and everyone calls themselves a "Z," why not? You do your thing. Why can't I be a part of a sorority, and we're all "she's"? I just think that this is so stupid.
And I also think it just underscores and demonstrates the totalitarianism of the left, in the sense that they don't like something, they shut it down. We were saying this with free speech, as well, now with free association. And I think it's a big problem.
And I just think it's -- I just think it's so stupid. I don't even have the words for it.
WATTERS: Wait a second --
BOOTHE: I liked being in a sorority in college. Lay off.
WILLIAMS: They didn't shut it down.
BOOTHE: No, but they're penalizing you to a point where it makes it very difficult to try to be a part of one. For making -- they're coercing.
WILLIAMS: If you remain closed. You should be open.
BOOTHE: Exactly. So you can no longer be a sorority or a fraternity. Therefore, if you do, it's a single-gender organization. Then you get punished by the administration through things like --
BOOTHE: Yes, through things like barring people from holding --
WILLIAMS: Right, right, right. But Lisa --
BOOTHE: -- leadership positions, things of that nature. How is that fair?
WILLIAMS: You can still be open. You can still be in a sorority.
BOOTHE: People join another club. And everyone can be whatever you want to be.
GUTFELD: Jesse --
BOOTHE: We can all be unicorns. I don't care.
GUTFELD: Leave unicorns out of this.
Jesse, we keep hearing about how important it is to have safe spaces. Couldn't you argue that a sorority is a safe space for women? And fraternities are -- I mean, it's -- it's kind of strange.
WATTERS: Men kind of wouldn't mind living with women, but women do not want to live with men. We're disgusting, and we're loud and obnoxious, and we're going to be making all kinds of loud noises in the middle of the night. They need their space to be girls. Guys don't necessarily need that. We just, like, spread out --
WILLIAMS: Oh, my gosh.
WATTERS: -- and do our thing. This is why I didn't go to Harvard. I mean, this is -- you know -- what's so funny? What's funny? I don't know why everyone is laughing.
I would also like to apologize on behalf of the "The Five" to Adam Levine. I think he's a good singer and I like Maroon 5.
BOOTHE: You did raise your hand. Everyone at home, he raised his hand when -- on the Maroon 5 point.
GUTFELD: I don't know. I think it's about busybodies. This is one -- it's like the straws. And it's like there's a lot --
WATTERS: There was no one complaining.
PERINO: There was so much good news. They have nothing left to complain about.
GUTFELD: Go after sororities.
Well, I think we all learned a lesson here. That Jesse has terrible taste in music. All right.
WATTERS: Not true.
GUTFELD: You do. Come on, Maroon 5? Do you actually listen to that?
WATTERS: Listen, you thrash metal in the bump-in.
GUTFELD: Yes, Iron Age.
WATTERS: Everyone in the audience whose ears was bleeding.
GUTFELD: Check out Iron Age. They have one album. It's very good. Iron Age is music. Maroon 5 --
WATTERS: Was someone running over a trash can?
PERINO: I think Iron Age was actually not very good.
GUTFELD: Oh, it was great. Jeez, give them a chance.
PERINO: In the Iron Age.
GUTFELD: OH, in the Iron Age. very funny.
WATTERS: Corny jokes.
GUTFELD: Corny jokes.
Next, we reveal the secrets to an absolutely perfect day. That includes watching me. Don't go anywhere.
(MUSIC: BOBBY MCFERRIN, "DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY")
BOOTHE: That song worked. All right. Well, we all know that watching "The Five" makes your day perfect. And now there may be scientific proof to back it up.
A new study says the average person has only 15 perfect days a year. The ideal day recipe includes waking up at 8:15 in the morning, sunny skies with 74 degrees temperatures, enjoying about three hours outdoors, spending several hours with family and friends, and then winding [SIC] in front of the TV, and going to bed around 10:50 at night.
So what does a perfect day look like for my fellow "Fivers"?
All right. Well, my perfect day is the beach, hanging out, activities, may be a glass of wine, family, friends, and then some me time.
Yes, there's -- I was with a stingray. I don't know if there's any other photos. Yes, that's it.
All right. Jesse.
GUTFELD: So you like to be with stingrays?
BOOTHE: At the beach.
GUTFELD: That's a perfect day?
BOOTHE: All right, whatever.
Jesse, what does your perfect day that is acceptable for national television?
WATTERS: Wow. Wow. I mean, I sit next to Dana, so every day is a perfect day.
WATTERS: No, I --
PERINO: You're so charming. I can't stand it.
WATTERS: I like lying around in the pool, maybe, or you know, at the beach. That's a perfect day for me right there, on a unicorn --
WATTERS: A drink, catching some sun, not a care in the world.
BOOTHE: All right, Dana, so petting a dog was part of the mood boosters for people.
PERINO: No. 1. No. 1.
BOOTHE: What is -- I assume your perfect day is --
PERINO: Also, I've got one. I have to have a schedule. So I like an early morning wake up, and I like to read all the papers. And then I like a long walk on the beach or wherever I am with Peter and Jasper, the dog. Jasper's the dog. I like a chance to read my books. I like to have a tennis lesson. Then I like to have a walk in the afternoon. Then I like to go to dinner. I like to have a game, like game night, and then I like to go to bed early.
BOOTHE: That's like four perfect days for me in one.
Greg, what does your perfect day look like?
GUTFELD: First I throw up from hearing everybody else's perfect day. Jeez Louise.
All right. You have to be an idiot to believe in perfect days. Wisdom comes from understanding the imperfections of life and appreciating when certain things come together. That's a good day. Never a perfect day.
Here's the secret to a perfect day or a good day. Right? You are two different people. Right? You're two different people. I'm today Greg. But there's tomorrow Greg. If I really want to be mean to tomorrow Greg, I could drink a lot tonight and then -- and not do any work for tomorrow's show. And then tomorrow's Greg will have a hangover and be behind in work.
So the key to a happy life is today Greg always has to be nice to tomorrow Greg. That's the secret to everything.
WATTERS: Not drinking.
PERINO: That's why I like to go to bed early.
GUTFELD: No, that's what I'm saying, is everything is -- you are two people. You are today and you are tomorrow. And the only way you're going to have a perfect day or a good day is to work for tomorrow.
PERINO: I love it.
BOOTHE: That sounds like a good stretch. Because maybe if you have a perfect day, you really push it. The next day might not be a good day or a bad day --
BOOTHE: -- at worst. Juan, what does your perfect day look like? Maybe baseball or with --?
WILLIAMS: Not a bad idea. But I mean, you know, my perfect -- I think one of the things that strikes me is family. I mean, I noticed that on this list is kindness.
And so if I -- like, I have Sunday night dinner with my family, I always think, "This is great." You know, you catch up with everybody. You say hello. Everybody's there. So, you know, heaven is like you're surrounded by people you love. I think that's -- you know, hopefully, that's the family or maybe your friends. I don't know. But to me, that's pretty -- pretty good.
I noticed also on this list, the things that entertain me. Like listening to rain. I like listening to rainfall. But I don't know if that makes for a perfect day. On the whole, I'd say it's easier to be perfectly happy if you live in San Diego. Because I was looking at this list. Like the beach, sunshine, outdoors.
GUTFELD: Perfect day? I wouldn't mind being in jail.
PERINO: No, house -- a house arrest.
GUTFELD: House arrest, because you have no options. You've got your meals, and you just read. I could -- I could do that.
BOOTHE: Wouldn't you be bored, though?
WATTERS: But no tennis lessons.
GUTFELD: No tennis lessons.
BOOTHE: Jesse, perfect day, jail?
WILLIAMS: How about that --
WATTERS: Maybe for someone else, that's their perfect day. In jail.
BOOTHE: All right. Never mind. All right. We'll save that for later.
All right. "One More Thing" is coming up next, so stay tuned.
WILLIAMS: Time now for "One More Thing." Big fun, Gregory.
GUTFELD: Yes, as people know. Let's go to this first. Shall we?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GRAPHIC: Greg's Sports Corner
GUTFELD: "Greg's Sports Corner."
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Everybody knows I'm a huge fan of golf. A lot of great golfers out there like that Jordan Woods character.
Anyway, Claws McGuff is my favorite golfer. You may have seen him at the PGA Bret Baier International. There he is.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(BEAR CUB PLAYING WITH FLAG POLE AT HOLE ON GOLF COURSE)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: He just scored a hole-in-one and then started doing a lap -- what do you call that? A pole dance. In the -- there are a lot of children out there. Don't be looking at this. Very suggestive. But this went on for quite a while, and that's basically all I have to say about this video, except that I found it on Twitter. So there are good things you can find on Twitter.
PERINO: I might be joining that Twitter club
GUTFELD: There you go.
WILLIAMS: All right.
GUTFELD: Claws McGuff.
PERINO: OK. There was a contest, and it was about dogs on Capitol Hill and the Independent Journal Review has named its cutest dog. There was a vote. The winner is hank.
Check out Hank. This is a boxer originally from Rock Springs, Wyoming. His owner is Cara Ahearn.
GUTFELD: That's cute.
PERINO: She is the chief of staff to Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney. Big winner. When he isn't busy clowning around, Hank has been known to makes friends, like, with the Capital police. He helps all sorts of people. He even knows Vice President Dick Cheney. He's a really cute dog, Hank. I think he very much deserved to win.
Congratulations to Cara.
BOOTHE: Does he win barking rights? Get it?
PERINO: Yes, I got it.
BOOTHE: Bragging rights.
WILLIAMS: It took me a minute. Took me a minute.
BOOTHE: Really bad. Never mind.
WILLIAMS: All right, folks. You may have heard the saying, "Don't go chasing waterfalls." But if you're in China this summer, you've got to stop and see this one.
Take a look. Yes, that's the biggest man-made waterfall in the world, and it's streaming off the side of a 22-story skyscraper. The waterfall plunges from the top floors of the building. And this isn't cheap. It costs more than a hundred bucks an hour just to provide electricity for the four pumps that push the water over the side.
PERINO: I think this is totally unnecessary.
GUTFELD: No, there's a leak, and they're pretending it's a waterfall.
WILLIAMS: People call the cops and say they think there's a plumbing leak --
WILLIAMS: And the cops have to come out regularly for this amazing waterfall. So --
BOOTHE: You'd probably have to use the restroom a lot if you're here --
WILLIAMS: Oh, my gosh.
GUTFELD: Juan does love the sound of rain.
WILLIAMS: I do. That's a fact.
Jesse, you're up next.
WATTERS: It's hard to run away from the cops when you're on top of the cop car. Take a look at this.
A man in the back of a Texas police cruiser kicked out a window and climbed into the roof as it sped along the highway. He stayed on the top of the car for miles until backup came, finally. And he was charged with evading arrest.
PERINO: They could have just hit the brakes really fast.
WILLIAMS: Wait. Did they know --- did they know he was there?
WATTERS: I think they probably had an idea.
PERINO: Yes. He got out of the car.
GUTFELD: That's how you get Jesse's hair.
WILLIAMS: Don't you remember, we had a guy -- wait, I think you had a "One More Thing" where a guy in Florida was hanging on the back or the front of a car.
PERINO: Yes, he had that, too.
WATTERS: That's my beat.
GUTFELD: Do you even look at the "One More Things" before you get them?
WATTERS: We know you do, Greg.
GUTFELD: Yes, I do. I'm very specific about --
GUTFELD: I like mine.
WILLIAMS: All right. Lisa.
BOOTHE: All right. Well, take a look at this. I think there's an image. No, that's not me. Don't look at me.
All right. So at first look that may look like a zebra, but if you notice that years are a little floppy, you know, instead of the rounder ear is that you have of the zebra.
So guess what? This is actually a donkey, and there is a zoo in Egypt that tried to pass a donkey off as a zebra. The photo has gone viral. Now the zoo is trying to deny it.
And actually, I didn't even know about this, but this is apparently not the first time a zoo has tried to do something like that. There was a Gaza Zoo incident in 2009 --
WATTERS: Fake zoo.
BOOTHE: -- that also tried to pass donkeys off as zebras. And a Chinese zoo tried to pass off a Tibetan mastiff dog as an actually lion.
GUTFELD: Here's the thing.
BOOTHE: I guess you can't put lipstick on a pig.
GUTFELD: NO. But you know what you can say at the zoo? You can see he self-identifies as a zebra.
WATTERS: That's right. All the clubs will let him in. If he says he's a zebra, he's a zebra.
BOOTHE: He should go to Harvard.
GUTFELD: Or "Z" is a zebra.
BOOTHE: That's a donkey. That's a donkey.
WILLIAMS: I don't know what you would do, though, because it's fraud against children. The kid's going to grow up and --
BOOTHE: It was a student that caught it.
BOOTHE: A student was like, "That's a bunch of you know what?"
GUTFELD: He'll end up in stripes.
We'll be right back.
WILLIAMS: So yesterday -- yesterday, Jesse said that we should stop telling you to set your DVRs. Why was that, Jesse?
WATTERS: Do they have those anymore?
WILLIAMS: I think they still have a machine that will allow you to tape "The Five."
PERINO: The televisions do it themselves.
WILLIAMS: That's what I'm saying, Jesse.
GUTFELD: The TV.
WILLIAMS: All right.
GUTFELD: TV set.
WILLIAMS: You should tape this show, folks. Never miss an episode of "The Five." "Special Report" is up next. Guess what? Mike Emanuel is in for Bret Baier.
MIKE EMANUEL, FOX NEWS: Hey, Juan. Thanks so much.
WILLIAMS: You're welcome.
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