Gutfeld: The first 500 days of President Trump
No matter what the media say, life went on and it didn't get worse.
This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," June 9, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why don't you answer the question instead of trashing Los Angeles?
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You're the one that's not in charge of the show.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Guys, guys. Guys.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There is a good Democrat hack partisan for you.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Shut up. Just shut up.
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UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I am going to kick you both offset, unless you calm down.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I didn't intrude.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I didn't did not start this.
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GREG GUTFELD, HOST: It's great to see the guys from the "Muppets" doing well. All right, this week marked the first 500 days of Donald Trump's presidency or what I like to call the first 500 days of Donald Trump's presidency.
I celebrate a little each day. Just see.
Oh, yes, that is me -- 500 days, 500 days since the media's nervous breakdown began. A lot of stuff happened since then especially for you in your life and that is what matters, not us, you and no matter what the media says, life went on without the predicted catastrophes. Your life either stayed the same or it got better and if it got worse, I blame Obama.
No, I am kidding. I am kidding. Stop, don't applaud.
Terrible people. Terrible people. But even if nothing changed, that is not what was predicted. The trumpets of doom warned of financial meltdowns, civil wars and nuclear Armageddon. Instead, we have peaceful prosperity, lower taxes, a real chance with North Korea, a booming economy and as an added bonus, Kathy Griffin went stone bunkers.
Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Trump. It's an incredible age. All right, even if the media can't see it or refuses to so, if this is how the media acts now imagine how they would be acting if things were actually bad.
He really hates phones. In the middle of all this good news, the media, they search for bad. They're like those pigs that dig for truffles except they are the press and those truffles, they are stories like where is Melania? Oh, there she is. Nevermind about Melania.
Meanwhile, you shrug. The media complaining about how the news create unease, that's like a mosquito complaining about malaria. A fruit bat whining about rabies, a rock star deploring Chlamydia. The media spreads the malaise, now clearly, they've got to report on bad stuff, but isn't it obvious how frequently they avoid the good?
And they may have the nerve to run stories saying that bad news makes you sick. No, it's not bad news that makes you sick, if you are bad news that hurts. With each negative story paints you, the viewer as the villain. Is the climate warming? It is your fault, you selfish consumer. Rising inequality? It's you, evil capitalist pigs. There is an earthquake in Peru, it's because you're fat.
Frankly, it is not good for America being told hourly that America sucks . If only there was a solution for this and the solution that somehow involves a dolphin.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Racist?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes, yes.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: All the people who voted for Donald Trump.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We live in a culture that hates women. Just hates us.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is depressing.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The world is terrible and it's all my fault.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The polar bear population has declined for the fourth year in a row, and yes, it is all your fault, Tom.
TOM SHILLUE, AMERICAN COMEDIAN: What?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, you, Tom Shillue. You heard me, all this bad news is your fault. You are destroying the earth and you're a heartless bigot. In short, you suck and you are a horrible human being.
SHILLUE: Man, I feel sick.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Great, then I have done my job.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's sound like someone needs and "It's not your fault dolphin."
SHILLUE: Do I even want to know what that is?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The "It's not your fault dolphin" is a normal sized dolphin that has been genetically altered to the size of a person and gives you likes, so when you find yourself sick from all the world's bad news, he will be there to remind you otherwise, like I your morning commute.
DOLPHIN: It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
KAT TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: Thank you.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Or when a coworker tries to bum you out.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: If you are still driving to work, you obviously hate the planet.
DOLPHIN: It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Or even when you least expect it.
DOLPHIN: It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
SHILLUE: Well, that sounds annoying, but I guess it beats all the sickness and sadness.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, get the "It's not your fault dolphin" today. Order now and we will throw in a free "It's going to be okay shark."
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GUTFELD: Just to let management know, no drugs were taken when we came up with that idea. So, everything is viewed with the same filter borne from academia which affects news and entertainment and it creates one conclusion, that you are the oppressor.
If that does not make you sick, it should. Because right now, if you look around, things are pretty good. We now have more jobs available than we have jobless, I never heard of that before. That sounds like a news. Right, MSNBC?
Bottom line, the media trying to diagnose what is really at fault, can only be done with a mirror. They need to look at it and not just use it to do lines off. The media is the progressive hammer. The media is the progressive hammer and anything that appears successful to them becomes a nail. No wonder we all have headaches.
Let's welcome tonight's guests. After candy and sugar, he's the sugar cane I know. Actor, Dean Cain. He's a comedian by day and asleep at night, comedian Joe Machi. She's got more baggage than JFK and I mean the airport, "National Review" reporter, Kat Timpf. And they use the space needle to ink his tattoos. Former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.
All right, Dean, has it been super for the first 500 days? Did you see what I did there.
DEAN CAIN, AMERICAN ACTOR: I saw that? I think it's been pretty darn good, but you wouldn't know that from the things you hear. I think it's been fantastic actually. I've been very happy the last 500 days.
GUTFELD: What are you most happy about, Dean?
CAIN: I have this not-your-fault-dolphin that I run around with, and I am just happy that everything is not my fault. No, I love the direction we are going. I get a lot of fights on Twitter -- you know who you are. And the thing is you know, they are yelling about certain things, but the things we have done, the policies put in place, I am happy with. I think we are in the right direction.
GUTFELD: I don't have an it's-not-your-fault dolphin, I have it's-our- little-secret dolphin.
CAIN: Uh-oh.
GUTFELD: Joe, you are always filled with neurosis, anxiety fear. Does the news make you more neurotic and fearful?
JOE MACHI, AMERICAN COMEDIAN: I don't know when to be sick anymore. It's all bad news. I remember one time I called off work because there was a wildfire and the next day, a panda bear died and I had to pretend I was okay.
GUTFELD: Oh geeze. Other than that, how has been the 500 days for you?
MACHI: It's like that movie "500 Days of Summer." I have not seen that movie, but I like the title.
GUTFELD: I know, I see that, you know that is always on demand, but I never want to look at it. Kat, do you think the media will suffer withdrawal if Trump eventually leaves office? How are they going to deal with it?
TIMPF: They will just move on at finding something else to be upset about, but for me whether the news is good or bad, it still depresses me because the bad news makes me sad because of the people being involved in the sad thing and the good news makes me sad because I am jealous of how much fun people are having that I am not having that is involving the good news, so I think I would only ever truly be happy in a cave where there was some sort of place I could plug in my phone, so I could play Word Cookies and lots of bats for me to hang out with. I think that bats get a bad rep, I think they are a bunch of little cutie pies and so instead of being a cat lady, I can move on to being a bat lady in my cave.
GUTFELD: Yes, they do spread rabies though, I believe.
TIMPF: That's okay...
GUTFELD: You'd be a great bat lady actually.
TIMPF: I would be an excellent bat lady.
GUTFELD: Yes, I don't want to live next to a bat lady. Tyrus?
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH, FORMER WWE SUPERSTAR: Huh?
GUTFELD: What's your take on the first 500?
MURDOCH: Oh man, it's just been a party in my pants, man. I love it. It has literally been a coming attraction of disaster movies that never show up in the theaters. It's like, I am supposed to be through a nuclear war, a race riot. There was supposed to be an impeachment. I was supposed to fight some Russians. I am black, I am supposed to be kicked off Fox. This is one big letdown.
GUTFELD: I have a theory on this angst, it's like an investment. If you invest in something for so long, it's difficult to loosen your grip on it even when the evidence is there. It's like, I hate the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Right? Worst band probably in the history of the world. They might release a decent song, it's hard for me to listen to it even though maybe I should listen...
MURDOCH: Because you committed to the hate.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
MURDOCH: Yes, you've committed to the "I hate you no matter what you do." You breathe air, I hate you. So, that's kind of the deal with Trump, like when he leaves, they will follow him. It's not over. Rachel Maddow will be outside his house wherever he is retired at and saying, "I have more tax returns." I don't know, it's not over yet. They will start it over. Like they will literally give him an extra year just to try to get him. They're not letting this go.
GUTFELD: No, they won't. Joe, I think the media believes that their psyche mirrors America, so if they are feeling polarized, everybody else in America has to feel the same way. I am not sure that's the case.
MACHI: No, I think a lot of people especially...
GUTFELD: I don't know what they're laughing at, Joe.
MACHI: I don't know either. I will tell you what, now, I just want to move into the cave.
CAIN: She's supposed to be by herself.
MACHI: There's just not enough cave. There isn't. It seemed like there's a lot in cartoons, but there isn't. If all your friends in the media think the same thing, it is hard to get a different idea out.
CAIN: Yes, that's a good point.
MACHI: See, you laughed early.
GUTFELD: Yes, they suffer from premature laughing. Yes, you know, there is a drug for that. It's probably going to be advertised later. Dean, any predictions for the next 500?
CAIN: Hopefully it is going to be more than 500. We will see what happens. No, I think -- I hope Armageddon does not happen and I hope Tyrus gets to stay on Fox.
MURDOCH: Well, I won't, that's the part that is going to hurt their feelings. After this summit happens and nothing goes bad and then after more prosperity happens and nothing goes bad they are just going to keep -- I mean, they are going to just make stuff up like there is an invisible mirror.
TIMPF: They want Armageddon though. Rather, literally get blown up than have to thank Trump for not getting blown up.
GUTFELD: Exactly. Because we should end on that note. End on that note. All right, coming up, Trump and Kim Jong-un prepare to meet face-to-face or maybe it's face to chest. I am not really sure how tall the other guy is.
So, what is in store in Singapore? The summit is a go with us and NoKo. I hope Trump is very well prepared.
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DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I think I am very well- prepared. I don't think I have to prepare very much. It's about attitude. It is about willingness to get things done.
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GUTFELD: It is about attitude. This is a historic moment. It has to be handled delicately. We almost lost the summit altogether. One wrong word could ruin everything. I hope Rudy doesn't say anything stupid that could screw this up.
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RUDY GIULIANI, COUNSEL TO PRESIDENT TRUMP: They also said they were going to go to nuclear war against us and they were going to defeat us in a nuclear war. We said we are not going to have a summit under those circumstances. Well, Kim Jong-un got back on his hands and knees and begged for it, which is exactly the position you want to put him in.
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GUTFELD: Does anyone have any duct tape? Seriously. No worries, Rudy is not President, we've got "The Art of the Deal" for President. This is the deal he's been waiting for his whole life and it should have been handled years ago.
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TRUMP: It should have been handled years ago, but it is being handled now and I will take care of it.
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GUTFELD: Yes, he is going to take care of it. He's getting in the zone. So, let's see what happens, right?
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TRUMP: We will see what we will see. We will see what happens. We are going to see what happens. We are going to see what happens.
So, we'll see what happens.
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GUTFELD: We will. Trump also told reporters the talks could go for like three days, which means two things; one, Trump is willing to stay as long as things are going well and two, Stephanopoulos has realized he didn't pack enough undies. Anyway, I am excited that I am going. I even bought a special outfit. Not bad eh, Dean.
CAIN: I think that's fantastic.
GUTFELD: Yes, thank you, you are my inspiration. What is wrong with me? All right, Joe, what are your thoughts?
MACHI: I think Trump has a point. This should have been handled long ago, but it's all the polite Presidents that got us in this mess with North Korea, maybe we need an impolite President to try to switch things up and see what happens.
GUTFELD: Yes, be the crazy guy.
MACHI: Yes.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. crazier than the crazy guy. It used to be -- it used to be you see groups of people yelling, "Death to America" and we go, "That's terrible." Now, we are saying "Screw you," and they are going, "Maybe, they are going to kill us."
CAIN: And it seems to be working.
GUTFELD: Yes, it does. Tyrus, do you have high hopes? Are you optimistic?
MURDOCH: You know, we will see. We will see how it goes. They play their game and we play our game, we hope for the best and we hope the best team wins. But you know, as long as we are prepared, I mean, he literally sound like me after every football game. He's not setting expectation any higher than he is. He has no idea how this is going to go and he is not -- and the best part is, he is not giving a sound bite for the media to run with because if he said, "This is going to be great. I am going knock this out and we are going to have peace," bam, and something doesn't go right, CNN -
- the orgasm will be unreal. There will be confetti everywhere. I mean, Don Lemon would sing songs and it would be, "He failed, yay. There is a missile coming." "It doesn't matter. It's great. He failed."
So, he is playing it like he is playing poker. He's not showing his hand. He is not giving you anything more than, "We will see what happens." I am cool, that's how I handle everything.
GUTFELD: Kat, it could go three days and I think the strategy is to wear everyone down to a submissive nub. It's like, Trump's key is to outlast everyone and the thing is, he doesn't drink so he can do that. If he knows that you're at the meeting and you've got to pee, he will just keep pouring water in front of you. He will just be pouring water in the glass and it will be like hour four, and he will just be drinking because he knows, he knows that he can outlast you. He works you down.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: I know that wasn't a question.
TIMPF: Right. I just love the part where he says he doesn't feel that he really needs to prepare. I would love to have that sort of mindset. I freak out about everything. I spent my entire childhood studying for spelling tests just in case maybe I forgot one of the words. He is not going to prepare very much for this summit with North Korea. It takes me days to prepare for a guy to take me out to dinner.
GUTFELD: You know, I have to say that -- why -- the Giuliani thing bugs me because when you are dealing with a negotiation, it's just like any negotiation, once you get to this part, just save the insults and you don't want to appear better than the other person because you are basically slapping them in the face.
CAIN: You're celebrating the touchdown before you score. The same with Tyrus and football because I've played that game for a little while myself. Giuliani was better dancing than he was -- you see him dancing?
GUTFELD: Yes, it was Israel.
CAIN: This was special. That was the whole dance. That was the whole dance, but yes, you probably don't want to say that before a negotiation that he was down there, he came back on his hands and knees. You probably don't want to say that ever.
GUTFELD: No, no. You don't. I was wish I going to Singapore because you know, do you remember, in Singapore they arrest you for littering and they arrest you for a lot of things -- spitting, selling gum and I have to be caned -- you know, like I had to pay $200.00 for that downtown, but if I were in Singapore, I'd be dropping gum wrappers all over the place.
If this works, Joe, could this foreshadow how one deals with other countries, like Iran? Like Trump is the master of the carrot and the stick, where Kerry and Obama were carrot and carrot. Too many carrots suck. This ain't Bugs Bunny.
MACHI: I think this could work. We tried the food for peace for North Korea. We tried the getting your money back from Iran and it did not seem to help, I think we need to go in there and to don't prepare. It's not all about attitude. Just go in there like it's a football match. You're going to pass the ball to score the points. You don't have to plan than out, you just say, "You turn left, you turn right and see how it goes."
GUTFELD: Yes, you should put that on your reel for ESPN. They will eat that up. Kat, what are the odds? Is this going to happen?
TIMPF: Is what going to happen? The Summit?
GUTFELD: Yes, no success? Could this happen?
TIMPF: I think that it could happen, but I think it's going to take more than just this summit. I think that there might be future meetings. I also love that Trump was reportedly considering inviting Kim Jung-on to Mar-a-Lago if it goes well, because that is totally something I would do.
No one wants to hang with me, I am like, "Why don't you just come over," so I don't have to move my body and that's all he's doing. Singapore is not a walk across the street.
GUTFELD: No, it's not.
TIMPF: No, maybe they could play golf together. I'd pay to watch that.
GUTFELD: Yes, I know, I think it would be fantastic. All right, oh, we have got a lot more. Still to come, no more swimsuits for Miss America. Well, as long as the Speedo's stay on Mr. Universe, I am okay.
ANITA VOGEL, CORRESPONDENT, FOX NEWS: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I am Anita Vogel. Trade tensions spilling over onto Twitter following the G-7 Summit in Canada. President Trump now tweeting that the US will not endorse a joint statement by the group after Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, called the new US tariffs "insulting." Trudeau made the comments after the President had left the summit for Singapore where he will meet with North Korean leader, Kim Jung-un.
The Taliban agreeing to its first ever ceasefire with the Afghan government. Kabul extending the olive branch as the country marks the end of Ramadan. The Taliban not exempting foreign forces from the three-day truce, some 15,000 American troops are stationed in Afghanistan.
I am Anita Vogel, now let's take you back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show." For all your headlines, log on to foxnews .com. You are watching the most powerful name in news, Fox News Channel.
GUTFELD: They've given the boot to the swimsuit. This week the Miss America pageant announced it is dropping the swimsuit portion of the contest. I think that is from "Price is Right."
Their Twitter account tweeted a video of a bikini going up in smoke. So, what are they replacing the swimsuit portion with? A knife fight. I am kidding actually. It's a session where contestants discuss their achievements and goals in life. That is going to fly right by.
The evening gown portion is being revamped as well so contestants can wear whatever they choose. I'd wear what I wore to the prom. Anyways, I have mixed feelings on the swimsuits. On one hand, who cares if they get rid of them. I don't need to see all that? Plus, they chafe, but then again, isn't the swimsuit portion designed to gauge dedication to physical health-- that is you are in shape. I don't know. I am not a pageant person, but if you are going to change the contest to be super PC, why not go all in.
So, I am starting a pageant of my own that does just that.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tired of the same lame pageant shows full of beautiful faces in swimsuits and pesky questions of world peace? Then you'll love the all-new non-compete, no lose competition.
It's the 2018 National People, Things and Stuff To View on Stage Without Being Offended Show. It's a totally non-gender specific, noncompetitive, no age limit event with safe inoffensive categories bound to upset no one. Featuring such events as sitting quietly, sitting quietly in an empty room, sitting quietly and waving at a stationary candle. Don't worry folks, the candle will not be lit. Safety is the number one concern.
Featuring special appearance by a celebrity who is easily recognizable, but also non-threatening. If you know anyone, call us. Plus, no contestant goes home early because in this contest, there are no judges or winners.
Tiaras for everyone.
You think it can't get any better? This contest will also include dudes.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, AMERICAN ACTOR: All right, all right, all right.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And animals. Why limit it to humans. That's animalist. Porcupines, baby sloth, you name it, they are invited.
And plants, too. Rutabagas, cabbages even rhubarb. It's the 2018 National People, Things and Stuff To View on Stage Without Being Offended Show.
GUTFELD: All right, Kat, it is weird, to me, I am torn. I find the idea of a pageant kind of arcane. Is that the word? Like from a bygone era, but a lot of things men do is kind of from a bygone era. I mean, football is a pageant of male violence. Yes, I didn't understand that either. How do you feel about this?
TIMPF: On the whole, I think it is probably good because I know I would not want a bunch of strangers to see me in a bathing suit. I don't even really want to see myself in a bathing suit. Every time I see it, I am like, "Girl, put some clothes on. What are you doing?" But I don't think this is going to make anyone feel any better because there are still winners and losers and now the losers are going to think, "Okay, my body is not why I lost, I guess I am just not a good person on the inside." That is not better.
GUTFELD: That's a good point. I did not see that coming. It's my character and personality and my lack of goals and achievements.
TIMPF: My lack of achievements.
GUTFELD: Man, that is so sad. All right, Dean? I agree. I find there's something weird about the bikini or the swimsuit thing because you know exactly what is being judged and it's incredibly animal -- they are on stage and they know what everyone is looking at where as in real life on the street, at least you can pretend you're not doing that.
CAIN: Fair. Very fair. I will tell you right now, that's what I am doing. That's what I am saying. No, I think it's going to be not a positive thing in the long run. I don't think. I guess, their ratings have been declining year after year and I think this will pretty much -- I mean, what are they going to do? Is it going to be like an essay contest? Is it going to be a spelling bee that you were so ready for?
GUTFELD: I think it is a live interaction conversation with judges about achievements. To your point, it sounds kind of like a college application interview.
CAIN: In a weird way. But it started -- this whole thing started as a beach wear person thing in 1921 or something like that. It was literally a one-piece -- a beachwear contest. As far as I know, pageants were beauty contests to be honest and that is not what it is going to be anymore.
GUTFELD: Tyrus...
MURDOCH: I don't want to touch this. Anything I say will have me in a #MeToo cellar, so I am just going to say, I think it is great. I also think that power lifting competitions should not be judged on merit and effort. Bodybuilding will be on feelings. Football games will be close enough. I feel like we are just being -- it is a beauty contest. It's the prettiest person wins so...
GUTFELD: Stop it. Save yourself. Save yourself. Don't do it. All right, good job. Joe, I think this is actually a positive evolution. Maybe it is time in 2018 to move away from these kind of cliched traditional, gender specific events.
MACHI: That's sad and pathetic, Greg, I am going disagree with all of you. I will tell you why, we have got an ocean to our west, we have got an ocean to our east, we need to know what the women that represents America looks like in a swimsuit and I will tell you what else, when I see myself in a swimsuit, I say, "You go, girl," because I have man boobs.
I mean, they say it's a talent contest now, isn't there already a contest for Americans that have talent? I forget the name of it, but I mean, we are going to be sending our champion to the Miss Universe contest and they are going to think we don't think we have any beautiful ladies in this country.
GUTFELD: You know, it's interesting that like how is this going to fit with the other -- the universe and the Miss World. I believe that you should be judged on physical fitness because that tells you that you have discipline, that you get up in the morning and you run and you do that. That's important for your entire holistic self. They should actually have-- you don't need a swimsuit just something you work out in. That's a good compromise.
MURDOCH: It's a beauty contest.
GUTFELD: All right, coming up, kids getting fined for having a lemonade stands. "Country Time" says not on my watch.
They put the aid in lemonade. By now you've heard at least one story about a kid whose lemonade stand got shut down because they did not have a permit. It's a stupid law and the books made it illegal for the kids to sit on the sidewalk and sell a drink for a freaking quarter.
Well, big corporate lemonade i.e. Country Time now says it will defend and pay the fines for any kid who gets in trouble with the law. Watch this.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Around the country, kids are getting busted for running lemonade stands. Entrepreneurship, good work habit, good old-fashioned fun, shut down because of old, arcane, but very real laws for the kids like Autumn Thomasen.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: My lemonade stand got shut down because they did not have a permit and it was unfair.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: She is six. It is happening everywhere. No, seriously, look it up. But this summer, things are going to be different because Country Time is introducing legal aid. A crack team ready to straighten out lemonade stand related permits and fines making sure no kid is denied their right to a lemonade stand and all the benefits they bestow.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: If you have a problem with your lemonade stand, the offices of Country Time Legal Aid are ready to take a stand for you.
Tastes like justice.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, when life gives you arcane laws, make lemonade.
GROUP: We are here for you.
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GUTFELD: Well? Hold on. Yes, that sounds refreshing, but is it? Should a company be encouraging illegal behavior among children especially behavior that involves the selling of a addictive substances like sugar? We went to our legal expert, extreme beer pong grandpa for comment.
He is the best in the business. All right, Tyrus, I have got to say, this was a genius idea. I don't know if it is real, I think it might be real. But I think it's an awesome idea. Why are you looking at me? What did I do now?
MURDOCH: You mean to tell me there is a grown adult who picked up the phone and called and reported a child with a lemonade stand?
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.
MURDOCH: Because there is children in the audience, I am going to say this the best -- are you out of your blank mind? You blank moron. How could you -- they should barbecue your blank, blank -- they are children. They are only around five hours a day on Saturdays. They nap. They are in at night. Blank you, blank you, blank them. It's a beauty contest, man. It's lemonade.
GUTFELD: It is lemonade. It's lemonade. Dean? Lemonade? I am just going to keep saying it.
CAIN: I thought that was a brilliant commercial. I don't drink Country Time -- well, I didn't drink Country Time Lemonade, but now I will. You better believe that. I might add some fizzy water and some adult beverage to it, but that's my prerogative.
GUTFELD: When I growing up, I sold like a warm glass of prune juice. It's fantastic on a hot, summer day.
MURDOCH: Outside of an old folks home or something?
GUTFELD: Yes, it fills you up and then it empties you out. Hey, Kat, did you have a lemonade stand?
TIMPF: I am not sure if I want to admit it because I don't want the police to be waiting for me when I get out of here.
GUTFELD: You're a libertarian...
TIMPF: I don't know what the statute of limitations on a lemonade stand is, but yes, I did. I think that this is great because I think every child should have the opportunity to have a lemonade stand and save up money and buy hordes of plastic reptiles like I did. Those plastic reptiles are important to any childhood. I wouldn't want to see any kid without them, so I think this is great. Because these laws, really are so ridiculous. I mean, kids selling lemonade is very normal and I think that I agree with Tyrus. Anyone who actually would call on this, I didn't know there was a person more sad than I am, but it turns out there is.
GUTFELD: Yes, I think it might have been Kilmeade. Joe, that's so Kilmeade. Calling up on kids. He's a terrible, terrible person.
CAIN: Terrible competition.
GUTFELD: Joe, where you stand on this lemonade stand?
MACHI: Well, these laws were not meant for children's lemonade stands, Greg, they were meant for adults lemonade stands. They're always trying to shut me down. They shut me down one time and I come back in an hour with a different sign and a different title of my lemonade stand. Of course, I mean, if you can't compete with two-year-olds and six-year-olds, your lemonade stand stinks because kids are idiots. We know that. Their lemonade is garbage. You're buying it to be nice to the kids, but my lemonade is delicious.
GUTFELD: You know, I always -- I like to give tips to the kids because kids look up to me around America. All right. Shut up all of you. Learn from Starbucks. If you want to sell a lot of lemonade, you park your stand next to a port-a-potty. You know, somebody is doing a renovation, they've got a port-a-potty outside their house, you get the toilet traffic, right. People, if they want to use -- if they want to use the port-a-potty, you go, "No, you've got to buy some lemonade. You've got to buy some lemonade." And then charge extra for ice. Fifty cents for a glass, 25 cents for ice and then when they give you money, say, "Sorry, we don't have change." Any adult the demands change is not an adult. Right?
MURDOCH: Agreed. Yes, you are not going anywhere near my kids, ever.
GUTFELD: If I had a dollar for every time I heard that. All right. Still to come, a pharmacist blabs about a Viagra prescription, which raises some issues. Next.
She heard about your tryst from the pharmacist. Great rhyme. A New York man is suing CVS saying a pharmacy worker told his wife about his Viagra prescription and it ruined his marriage. Michael Feinberg, if that is his real name, had apparently arranged to pay for the little blue pills himself and not go through his insurance, but when his wife later called CVS to check on one of her own prescriptions, the worker mentioned his secret prescription.
He claims the worker violated the Federal HIPAA laws, which require a patient's permission before revealing confidential information. He says his marriage broke down and is seeking unspecified damages. This is why I do not go to pharmacists. I get all my drugs from the sky. My goodness. I did not know he did that on his free time. All right, Dean, does he have a case here?
CAIN: Why are you asking me? I don't know what those little blue pills look like.
GUTFELD: How did you know they were blue?
CAIN: You know what, I am not even married. I don't know. It's just weird that would cause their relationship to breakdown. What was the relationship based upon that finding out that he needed the little whatever color pill.
GUTFELD: Maybe because they weren't you know...
CAIN: Maybe it was somebody else.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: I am sorry, Superman. Let somebody who has been divorced help you out. This is exactly what happened. It's a battle in that room. He was always there and he was bragging about it and she had to say good job all the time and just because she had to be right, she had to let him know that it's not really you. You were cheating. So, you're not attracted to me. You have to use pills to be attracted to me and then he says, no, honey...
And then it turns into a fight. That's why the marriage broke down. Because now, the nagging had something else, and it's really quick. Sorry guys but...
If he would just be okay, it's all right when your testosterone goes down, fellows. We go through hell for 35 years and then they say it's God's curse that she hits her peak at 35 and we start going down. No, it's her turn to go through let's play crossword puzzles and hang out with the kids or cuddle and watch TV. That's our time to get our projects done because we're not thinking about that stuff anymore.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Kat, care to respond about anything?
TIMPF: I really hope this pharmacist gets in big trouble. Pharmacies are supposed to be sacred grounds. You're supposed to go in there looking however you want, to get whatever you want. Nobody is supposed to even act like you're even there. When I walk into a pharmacy, I imagine myself in a cloak of invisibility. Nobody can tell I am wearing penguin pajama pants. No one can tell that my eye makeup is somehow smeared onto my forehead and nobody can see that I am there buying cat litter and funions and anti-aging cream.
It's a sacred thing in this culture. In a pharmacy, you don't look at each other, let alone talk about it. This pharmacist violated something very sacred in this country and I hope he or she pays.
GUTFELD: Strong words. Joe, what is your take on this?
MACHI: I think pharmacies in general have a privacy problem because you get your prescription and then they tell you to go to the consultation area, to get the consultation, but it's just one register down, and you hear the pharmacist, "Well, these for toenail fungus," and I am like, "Keep that quiet, lady. They can hear you."
GUTFELD: It is so true. Also they have cheap bags. You're not out of the woods when you leave the pharmacy, so you are walking out like a Wallgreens bag, it is so thin, and I didn't even notice that and I am walking on Broadway and everybody can see that perhaps, I have a -- you get older, you get some your problems. You know? It requires kinds of ointments.
MURDOCH: It makes you overbuy. You have to over buy. You can't just go in to buy the tampons and...
GUTFELD: Preparation H.
MURDOCH: So, you have to cover up with more stuff and pile on, but isn't it amazing that the price check is always on the stuff you don't want anyone else to know.
GUTFELD: It's true. Let's get out of here before I embarrass myself. Final thoughts next. Don't go anywhere.
I was just informed by Amazon, you can only order one copy of this per person. I would go right now before Sunday, "Gutfeld Monologues." Go to Amazon, check it out. All right, we are out of time. Special thanks to Dean Cain, Joe Machi, Kat Timpf and Tyrus, our studio audience.
I am Greg Gutfeld, I love you, America.
END
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