Gutfeld: NoKo wasn't just human victory, but ratings one too

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," May 12, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.


STEVE SCHMIDT, MSNBC: The world got a lot more dangerous today because of the incompetence of this president whose only foreign-policy philosophy seems to be to nullify the Obama presidency.


GREG GUTFELD, HOST: You got that right. All right, do you remember 1969? I do. Some call it the good old days, I don't. It sucked.

Dow Jones was at 800, the average income for a year was under nine grand, something called Woodstock took place. Look at these people. You know they just smelled bad, like a fish's jockstrap.

I don't know if they wore them, but they could. We'd also stunk fashion. People actually wore the stuff outside and they weren't pelted with hot garbage. Basically, the world reeked, but I couldn't do a thing. I was just five years old and here is a picture. I was adorable, but I could do nothing to make the world a better place, so instead I ate as much Plato as possible.

The point is, 1969 was a long time ago, 49 years ago and you'd have to go back that far to find jobless numbers that are this good today. It's true, applications for unemployment benefits are now at a 49-year low. That's almost five decades long of what I call one episode of "The View."

Easy joke. Trump's job numbers are so good, to match it, you'd have to go back to an era when not bathing was considered an achievement. That is what we called good news and humans like good news, but not all humans.


WHOOPI GOLDBERG, AMERICAN ACTRESS: He just tweeted they are meeting in Singapore on June 12th and they will both try to make a very special moment for world peace.

JOY BEHAR, AMERICAN COMEDIAN: You know, good for him. If it works, we're happy for him.


GUTFELD: You could just feel Joy's pain when she said that. It's like she realized that wasn't her part. But there are a lot of humans that don't like good news. They are called wet blankets.


CHUCK SCHUMER, SENATE MINORITY LEADER: Their release should not be exalted, it should be expected. It is no great accomplishment of Kim Jong Un to do this. And when the president does it, he weakens American foreign-policy and puts Americans at risk around the world.


GUTFELD: Talk about the opposite of fun. To him the glass is half empty much like his skull. So, here we have great news, but many politicians in media hacks, all they see is bad. If only there were a drug to help them.


TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS: Unemployment has hit 3.9%, that's good news for the American worker. Coalition forces are set to deliver a fatal blow to ISIS. This is not good.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You should talk to your doctor. You may be suffering from WBS.

SHILLUE: What is that?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: WBS stands for wet blanket syndrome. Anything good happens you see it is bad news. News anchors get it all the time.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Three American held hostages in North Korea are on their way home right now.

SHILLUE: Am I going to die, doc?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There's no cure for WBS. Thanks to Holidex, you can live with it.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Holidex tricks your brain into thinking every day is the day before a three-day weekend, making it virtually impossible for you to be nothing, but happy all the time.

SHILLUE: Unemployment is at its lowest in 17 years and President Trump deserves the credit.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And we're clear.

SHILLUE: That week went fast. Time for three days of fun in the sun. here comes the beach.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Dude, it is only Wednesday.

SHILLUE: Almost had me, Kevin. You're a laugh riot. Thanks Holidex.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Dude, what the (inaudible) is going on?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So get Holidex today. Your coworkers won't get it, but we do.


GUTFELD: Every day is a day before a three-day weekend. That is some really surreal (inaudible). Okay. Back to the real good news. It wasn't just a human victory, but a ratings one, too.


DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: It's very early in the morning. I think you probably broke the all-time in history television ratings for 3:00 in the morning. That I would say.


GUTFELD: Of course, don't you love that he did this at 3:00 a.m. It could've been any other time, but he chose then, why? To tell you that he's always up. He is always up for us at every hour and if you had Hillary instead, she would already be out like a broken headlight.

Speaking of Hillary, if she were President and had a week like Trump's, how might the press react?

But instead, with Trump you get this.

Which is why he had to blow up his own horn on Thursday.


TRUMP: We are rocking. We are rocking. Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un and, Sleeping Joe. We have great healthcare plans coming out. They weren't saying Merry Christmas, now they are saying Merry Christmas, again. America is respected again. I have delivered more than I promised. I go bom-bom-bom-ba-ba-ba-bam.


GUTFELD: Oh, my god. So, is he gloating? Who cares. He should gloat. The rallies are waiting to get the good news that the media often ignores. It Trump news and he's the anchor. Of course, what were the other news buckets full of?


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The lawyer for Stormy Daniels is stepping up his attack.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I almost forgot what I was going to talk about, but of course - Michael Cohen.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It doesn't seem like he is very good at it. I mean, the money to Stormy Daniels, the porn star, didn't work, didn't silence her

BRIAN STELTER, CNN CORRESPONDENT: It's certainly is not illegal from what we know, but it looks bad. It has the stench of the swamp and that stench affects both Trump and Cohen.


GUTFELD: Man, these networks was obsessed with porn they should be sponsored by Kleenex. Now, imagine America as the world's greatest all- inclusive resort with water slides and pool bars and casinos and where is the media? They are hiding in the hotel room watching TV and is stuck on "The View."

It's weird, it's like the media can't see themselves or even the outside world. It's as if they're trapped living in some gigantic footprint left by King Kong except it's not Kong's footprint at all, it's Trumps.

After he stomped on them in 2016 and so they have followed in and they can't get up. I fear that if someone doesn't throw them a rope ladder, they are going to end up eating each other alive, which sucks. I hate cannibals. They're so full of themselves.

All right, let's welcome tonight's guests. She is a bright fireflies try to catch her and put her in the jar, author and TV host, Jedediah Bila.

He has tackled more roles than Michael Moore's masseuse. Thank you, actor, Daniel Roebuck.

She is breathy, sassy and her gaze, a little glassy, "National Review" reporter, Kat Timpf.

And he keeps his pants up with an asteroid belt. Former WWE superstar. massive sidekick, Tyrus.

All right, Jedediah, all this chaos going around and he is still getting stuff done. How is this possible?

JEDEDIAH BILA, TV HOST: Yes, because he is actually - I mean, this is what people elected him to do, right, I mean, he was saying some crazy stuff and everyone acknowledged he had this crazy past, but we were like, "We want a guy," I didn't vote for him, I voted for Rand Paul, but still most people were like, "We want a guy that's going to get the job done." And that's what he's doing. And it's hysterical when you watch these videos because I think the media is so invested in his demise, they have decided that you know, they went on record, and said, "This guys is going to be a big failure. He is going to be a big joke. He is a reality TV star."


BILA: So, when he does well, they look dumb. They look like, "Well, they weren't paying attention." Their predictions were wrong, so they are invested in him failing and they don't care that that may mean that the American people actually suffer, that your paychecks will be lower, that our national security might be threatened.

So, it's fascinating to watch because, you know, specifically with the prisoners that were brought back, that was a story that everyone across the aisle, both sides of the aisle had to come forward and acknowledge. This was a good thing he did, but you watch them, and they are suffering. They are suffering - you could see it.

And it's so transparent that it lets everybody know that everyone has been saying the media is biased, they tell you, they show you right there on their own face.

GUTFELD: It's hard for them. You want to see my impression of voting for Rand Paul?

BILA: Listen, I still voted. I still voted and I give him credit where credit is due. This guy is doing a lot of really good things. This was a great week for him and I mean, I am really proud to have him as my President this week and I'll say that anytime he does something good.

GUTFELD: Roebuck, what are your thoughts on this week and overall anything?

DANIEL ROEBUCK, AMERICAN ACTOR: I thought this was a fantastic week to celebrate being an American. There's a lot of people who talked about how horrible it is to be an American and I always think, really?

Like, we are not the ones holding anyone prisoner. No one is being held against - I mean, criminals are being held, we hold them prisoner, and we're all for that, I think, but you know, disagreeing with the government, we generally let you walk around and we give you TV shows and we make you famous.

So, this is a great week for everyone who doesn't disagree with the government, who does agree with the government. I'm happy to be an American just like Jedediah.

GUTFELD: Kat? In the green room, you said if you could vote for Trump 18 times, you would.

TIMPF: I voted for Gary Johnson.

GUTFELD: I know you did, Kat.

BILA: You didn't throw on something when she said that...



GUTFELD: If I throw something here, it's all going to break.

BILA: That's because she's a permanent guest on the show and she gets treated with respect. I see.

TIMPF: Sometimes, no, but again, credit is where credit is due and it shouldn't be hard to be happy that prisoners are back in the United States from North Korea. It shouldn't be difficult to be excited about that and obviously, President Trump deserves credit. I know because I couldn't do it. I tried.

GUTFELD: Yes, you did. You did try to free prisoners.

TIMPF: I tried, but they never replied to my e-mails. I said, please. I used like the really cute emojis and for some reason, they stayed there and you get President Trump in there and you've got to give him credit for doing it, and you know, but people focused all week on saying, "The world is going to end because we are not in the Iran deal anymore, we're out of it."

And I have noticed that they said the world was going to end when he called Kim Jong-un little rocket man. They said the world was going to end when he got elected in the first place and I like keep waking up in the morning and everything is fine, so I kind of feel like maybe it's not.

GUTFELD: Yes, I think you're right. I do think there's a pattern. He creates chaos and from chaos comes solutions. I do predict though tomorrow, you will get a lot of letters from inmates.

TIMPF: Even more.


GUTFELD: Even more than usual. Do you think Donald Trump's past of dealing with like unseemly people in real estate and stuff and the mob and everything helped him?

MURDOCH: Yes, because wasn't he dealing with a criminal tyrant in Kim Jong-un?


MURDOCH: Yes, sometimes, it takes a wolf because shepherds don't get it done, but I think it's - the North Korea thing is such a big thing and it is so hard for the other side. They're looking for anything.

When they finally - when they talk about where the place is going to be at, where the meeting was going to be at, they were like Singapore and they were like, I think Don Lemon said Singapore loosely translated is Asian Russia. Like, they literally were trying anything that isn't that - isn't that some of the Kremlin's favorite spot, like they are trying anything to link just to ruin something, like Singapore, horrible hotels there. I can't believe he picked that place.


MURDOCH: You know, they just really - they can't - they just can't give it to him, but I understand why because we all - Donald Trump is that guy that we all went to school with that had the nice car and had the prettiest girlfriend and then whenever he gets a straight A or whatever and goes, "Hey, I aced that." Hey, you know what, man. I hate this dude because he's always good. And I feel like that's where CNN is right now. Every time he does something, like...

BILA: Even just the coverage though, like Stormy Daniels, I mean, this stuff is on 24/7. The job stuff, you can't even find it. You've got to search for that. This is Trump's rally.

GUTFELD: This is one case where I am actually tired of seeing a porn star.

TIMPF: Really?

GUTFELD: I know, hard to believe. The midterms are coming and the Democrats expect a blue wave. Too bad, they might have already blown it.

Should the democrats squirm as they face the midterm? Yes, the midterms are at Trump referendum and voters may come out to defend him. That's right, I just rhymed referendum. You don't get that from Jake Tapper.

Speaking of Tapper, a new CNN poll shows Democrats are losing their mojo as November gets closer, the Party's advantage over Republicans has shrunk to just three points, that's crazy.

Meanwhile, Trump's approval ratings for handling the economy, foreign affairs and immigration have all gone up. Did I mention this was a CNN poll? I wonder if CNN mentioned this was their poll. They must be hating this poll.

Let's check in on CNN's polling department now. You know, Danny, anything can change. They are still months away, bad things can happen, it's almost like you have to pray for bad things if you're a Democrat.

ROEBACK: Well, here's - you should just pray for good things all the time. Let me just throw that out there. That's a good way to begin, but I have the boy who played football, Buster played football and I'm telling you, every time they got cocky, they lost.

GUTFELD: That's true.

ROEBACK: So, what I am going to say is, let's not over celebrate until the game is over. I just think it's a problem in general that, there's a lot that could happen. We've got to get a lot of good stuff around the corner, but we've got to stay focused on the - we just can't celebrate until it's over. Can we just take a breather and celebrate later.

GUTFELD: Complacency is the enemy of non-complacency. That will be in my book of quotes. Tyrus, is there any advice you can give to the Democrats so that they could probably win some seats? Anything?

MURDOCH: You went through puberty I am sure at some point, maybe start acting like an adult now and grow up. And it's not - I am a down the middle kind of brother, man, like if you've got a good idea, I will say, "Hey, that's a good idea." I don't care what side of the aisle you are on, but their aisle is all little baby potty training seats.

They don't fight. They don't stand up anything. They do things that make- they turn on each other, thinking somehow it is going to affect the republic inside, which makes me laugh. Like if a guy is accused of something or an accusation, they go, "Resign." He's gone. "See, ha-ha, we got rid of our guy,"

And the Republicans are like, "Yes, you did, anyways..." and then they continue going on with their thing. They don't fight and this happened with Obama. Obama became President despite of the Democratic Party and they continued to slide and they continue to go down, I think that this is a good time to be a libertarian candidate or an independent candidate because I don't think the Democrats are in it, like they think they are.

And polling is - we saw a polling before, right? She was up 20 or 15 and it's not a baskeballl game.

GUTFELD: No, it's not.

MURDOCH: Most people who vote don't answer the phone during the polling because they usually think it's a bill collector.

GUTFELD: I don't answer my phone at all.


GUTFELD: It's odd hours. Kat, do you have any advice for the Democrats?

TIMPF: I think that it would be a good idea if they start thinking about a message of some sort other than just Donald Trump is bad. That is all that they ever talk about and they already lost an election on that and they are going do it again? I just don't understand what they could be thinking.

It's clearly more than just Hillary Clinton not thinking about what went wrong or how to change for the future. They need to actually stand for something and not just against everything.

GUTFELD: No, it's so true. You know, Jed, I think they also need new blood. You see what they have out there and it's like a reunion of on golden pond.

BILA: Yes, I watched Nancy Pelosi today talking and I was just - it's insufferable. And it's the same talking points that she said against Mitt Romney which is the same talking point she said against McCain and it's just all of these identity politics. It's divide and conquer. It's the same stuff, Trump hates women, Trump hates minorities.

Guess what? If minorities are making more money, they have more money in the pocket. Their jobs are up for that particular group, whether it be women or minorities or whoever it is, that is the way they are going to vote, so maybe come out with a plan that promotes jobs, maybe do something as everyone has been saying that actually makes people feel confident that you are not just that kid in the classroom going, "Well, he did that," and you're actually a grown person proposing something. That might work, but I would not bet on it.

GUTFELD: No, it's true. It's like they keep pointing out the same facts. We get it, he's not Ward Cleaver.

BILA: Right.

GUTFELD: He's closer genetically to a meat cleaver.

ROEBACK: More Herman Munster.

GUTFELD: Exactly, and I love Herman Munster.


ROEBACK: Herman Munster was a great...

MURDOCH: He's more like grandpa because he's got (inaudible)...


GUTFELD: And he has that hair.

MURDOCH: Yes, and he was sleek.

GUTFELD: I think he is more like Uncle Fester.

BILA: I love Uncle Fester.

ROEBACK: Can I say like, so I have been visiting all of the country, you know what I see everywhere? Every business has a sign that says "Help wanted." Every business. I think if there's a sign on the door that says "Help wanted" that means, Monster has failed, newspaper had failed. They need somebody to come in and work - like there are so many jobs available. I don't know if the Democrats - what are they going to say? We need more jobs? Well, you know...

GUTFELD: We're going to be talking about jobs - summer jobs. Why don't teens have summer jobs anymore? Is it because they are lazy jerks? That's what I think, and I am a talk show host.

ROBERT GRAY, CORRESPONDENT, FOX NEWS: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Robert Gray.

Paris is on edge tonight after a deadly attack by a knife wielding assailant in a popular neighborhood. One person was killed and four others injured before police killed the attacker.

Witnesses say the suspect ran toward police yelling "Kill me or I will kill you." The stabbings are being investigated as a terror attack and ISIS says, the attacker is one of its soldiers.

President Emmanuel Macron tweeted his condolences to victims and praise for police.

And here at home, meanwhile, three Georgia police officers are in the hospital tonight. They became ill after coming into contact with an unknown chemical responding to a call about a dead body at a hotel.

Authorities say the officers became dizzy and had other symptoms. The officers are alert and conscious and are expected to make a full recovery. I'm Robert Gray.

GUTFELD: Will your teen be a slob with no summer job? According to a new report, my favorite kind, it is becoming harder for teens to find a summer job and in many cases, they don't want one in the first place.

Last month, labor force participation among 15 to 19-year-olds was just 34%. It was 56% in 1989, the same year I won an Oscar for Rainman.

Researchers note that as more shopping is done online, there are fewer actual buildings where teenage workers can work. Meanwhile, more immigrants and older workers are apparently competing with teens for jobs than ever before.

Still, there are lots of opportunities for teens looking for summer work. I could always use help at my ranch. The work is grueling, but you will see great results.

Here is last summer's intern. Great guy. RIP. Tyrus, summer jobs are important, right? You've got to have them.

MURDOCH: What do you subscribe to, to see these videos? Your computer history has got to be just an Amity Horrorville of morality. Man, damn.


GUTFELD: I do the private window set up.

MURDOCH: I believe so. I am glad you're keeping it private. You know what? Kids are not - I remember when I got my job, I had the reasons why I wanted to get a job. I wanted to get a car, and if I got that car and have some money in my pocket, I could get a date with a girl and that was important to me.

Now, I don't have to because I can just download it and watch it in my closet. So, there is - I deal with - I work with kids a lot, and there is no motivation. It's just, "Hey, you should get a job this summer and save your money and if you earn half of it, I'll pay the other half of your car."

GUTFELD: Nobody wants cars anymore.

MURDOCH: Yes, there's Uber. I am good.

GUTFELD: Yes, Uber.

ROEBACK: I mean, as a father of recent teenagers, my kids have always worked and you've got kids, and you've got to - I mean, but I don't know that this is about the kids. I think this is about the parenting, the expectation. Believe me, my kid would - we drive around Burbank, California and there will be kids on skateboards, 19 to 20-year-old kids and from the time, Buster, my son was four, I would say, "That will never be you. That will never be you." And you know, the other thing that any father wants to do and your father might have done, Tyrus. Your father...

MURDOCH: Oh, you don't know about that.

ROEBACK: But every father...

MURDOCH: The truth is out there.

ROEBUCK: (Inaudible) believe me, we'll know it's him when we find him. But every father wants their kid to get a job with a clean toilet. Why is that? Can you tell me? I didn't care what my son did or daughter, as long as there was a clean toilet.

GUTFELD: I think it was because I damaged a lot of toilets with summer jobs, no but it's true. Summer jobs get you used to work and in the summertime, it's good to work because then you appreciate when you are outside not working. you need the contrast, right?

BILA: Did you have a summer job?

GUTFELD: I had a lot of jobs. You know, I bottled Grapette soda.

BILA: Really?

GUTFELD: Yes, remember, there was a soda at gas stations and then the manager there bottle capped his thumb in front of me, it was not a pretty sight. Why am I telling this story?


ROEBACK: Under the soda?


ROEBACK: I remember that bottle. I remember getting that bottle.

GUTFELD: It was the black cherry. I was a pool monitor which is not a lifeguard which they stressed to meet not to save anyone because I was not qualified to be a lifeguard at a condo, so I'd be sitting and if somebody is drowning, "Stay away." And I go...

ROEBACK: That's an old Abbott and Costello routine when the guy is drowning and Lou goes to save him, and they go, you'll put the lifeguard out of a job, is that what you want to do? So they push the guy back in the water.

GUTFELD: Terrible.

BILA: Wow. Pool monitor.

GUTFELD: Did you have a summer job?

BILA: I worked with my mom. My mom ran an acting school, so I helped her over the summers, and I liked that...

GUTFELD: That's not a real job.

BILA: Come on. It was hard work.


TIMPF: I just don't understand this option of not working. I don't get it. If I didn't have a summer job as a teen, my mom would just put me to work around the house. She would say, "Oh, it's so great that you are home. You know who else thinks it's great? The dirty kitchen floor, go scrub it."

I liked to have a summer job because then I could be hanging out with the people my own age instead of hanging out alone with a mop bucket.


MURDOCH: It was introduction to freedom.


ROEBUCK: And money...

GUTFELD: Getting a paycheck. Turns you into a Republican conservative. The first time you see the government take something away from you, that's your money that you earned at the temp agency. Boy, did you guys ever do temp agency?

BILA: Yes. As I got older, did it in my 20s.

GUTFELD: Miserable. With a new office every day, and they treat you like crap.


MURDOCH: I cut grass.

GUTFELD: It's like being an actor.

BILA: It's like with the job I had, I worked once in my 20s, talking about hard work for Fresh Direct where I had to hand out flyers. I use to stand next to a guy dressed in a banana costume.

MURDOCH: Oh, my gosh.

BILA: No joke, and people on Twitter will tell me like, "Oh, you know, spoiled prima donna," I'm like, really? That's honestly a job I had.

GUTFELD: Okay, I've got to roll, but the reason why you need a summer job is for the summer job stories. Everybody has one. Everybody has one. All right, coming up, is your therapy peacock on the no-fly list? Little joke there. New laws are cracking down on people with fake support animals. That is next.

Are we having regrets over therapy pets? Several states are cracking down on people who falsely claim their pets are service animals. Minnesota and Arizona, those are two states, Kat, have recently made it illegal to do so.

A city in Wisconsin has banned the use of kangaroos, I am not joking, as a service animals because someone tried bringing said kangaroo into a restaurant. It turned out that extra pocket is excellent for keys.

Some airlines are enacting stricter rules for customers who want to bring their animals along for emotional support like peacocks. Yes, party is over, peacocks and kangaroos. It's not fair to people who legitimately need service animals.

People can't be gaming the system like this. Take a look at this ad I saw the other day.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It could happen to anyone. You have no physical or emotional problems and no medically diagnosed condition, whatsoever. In fact, you are perfectly healthy, you just don't like people and you're a pain in the ass.

Then you need support scorpion. It's the only support animal guaranteed to be permitted everywhere because no one will have the guts to tell you otherwise.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I hate the crowd especially at the airport and flying is the worst, but with my support scorpion, people barely come within 10 feet of me.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That's because the key to support scorpion is its deadly venom. Just one sting and that talkative guy from business class will take a long nap all the way to your destination.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: My wife and I had stopped going to the movies altogether, we just couldn't stand the crowd in the theaters, but now it's like our own a private screening.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thanks, support scorpion.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And every scorpion comes with an official support vest so people know he is legit.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hi, here for dinner.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm sorry, man - oh excuse me. What a lovely scorpion.
Right this way.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Thanks, his name is Jeremy.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So don't let silly laws prevent you from bringing your nontraditional support animal everywhere you go. Order support scorpion today. And if you call within the next 20 minutes, we will throw in a free comfort cobra.


GUTFELD: I totally support people who have support animals like people with PTSD, our veterans, people who are really suffering. I just think it's like every system, people scam it. it's like when you have a currency, people create counterfeit currency.

If you order cable, someone hijacks your cable. I feel like a lot of people are hijacking the system and you, Jedediah, are getting a service puppy, aren't you?

BILA: Yes, I am.

GUTFELD: For what?

BILA: Because I have anxiety on airplanes.



BILA: Okay, but...

GUTFELD: My service animal is a Jack Daniels.

BILA: Listen, I was just going to say - listen, why does it bother you if I have a teacup poodle that I can pet, that puts me at ease.

MURDOCH: Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

BILA: Why though? No, tell me why that's...


MURDOCH: I would love to chime in right now.

BILA: Why? Why?

MURDOCH: I have a baby teacup rat.

BILA: It doesn't bark.

MURDOCH: I fly every week. I bring my big ass on a plane, too small for me, every week to this job. And for like a month straight, I had the same sensitive anxiety person with this teacup - it was like a hamster with dog benefits, and this thing, every time, she would fall asleep and this little (inaudible) would crawl up in my lap and look at me with these big bug eyes and I had my ginger ale in the hand and I would start, (inaudible) and then the lady wakes up, "Oh, she likes you." What if my anxiety is dogs?

ROEBACK: Hold on, I have asked about this. I have asked about this. It's a good point.

MURDOCH: It's not, but I am just saying.

ROEBACK: Now, listen, if you're allergic to cats and the person with the cat is next to you, you get off the plane because at this point the cat supersedes your rights. This is not about - I love that you are going to get a dog, that's nice. This is about - this is like - please, every doctor who writes a fake prescription for this or marijuana, let's take...

MURDOCH: Whoa, whoa.

ROEBACK: You wrestled so...


ROEBACK: Why are we lying as a society and let me ask you another question. If you can't take a knife on to a plane, why can you take a German shepherd that could bite someone's face off?

GUTFELD: Well, you put a muzzle on it.

ROEBACK: No, there's no muzzle on, I have been with these...


GUTFELD: God forbid you put the muzzle on a dog. I've seen that.

ROEBACK: No, I've never seen that.

GUTFELD: I wear the muzzle sometimes.


GUTFELD: Kat, you're sensible - people need to have - people who need this, but there are people who are hijacking it and I think that they do a disservice to the people who need it.

TIMPF: I think everyone is missing the point, which is that literally, all pets are emotional support animals.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: There is literally no other reason to have one. It's not like they help out around the house. It's not like they ask you how your day went. I have a cat, he is one 100% a deadbeat roommate. All he does is walk around and shed his kitty fur all over the fruits of my labor all day long, but you know what? When I need to snuggle, he's there to snuggle and he's there to emotionally support me, Greg.

And so what I am saying is, by logic all pets are emotional support animals and should be allowed all places at all times.

BILA: I took a cat on a plane once, a really bad cat and it was mad. It was under the seat and she meowed weird. She was like - the whole flight, I was not...


BILA: My support animal was under, but I do think they should be able to stay on your lap.

GUTFELD: Why can't I be a support animal? Why can't I be taken places?

BILA: You can be...

GUTFELD: For free. I want to be a celebrity support animal. And then I could go anywhere. Still to come, a robot that sounds so human it will scare the crap out of you.

It won't be so fun now that they can run. Behold the latest video of Boston Dynamics Atlas robot.

Good for you. Big deal. Anyway, now combine that with what Google did this weekend and you will see why mutiny could be looming now that robots sound human. The company's CEO unveiled the new voice assistant that sounds so real it can make phone calls for you. It's called Duplex and it can react intelligently even when a conversation doesn't go as planned. Here is Duplex making a hair appointment with a real person who seems to have no idea they are talking to a robot.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hi, I'm calling to book a woman's haircut for a client. I am looking for something on May 3rd.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Sure, give me one second. Sure, what time are you looking for now?


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We do not have a 12:00 p.m. available, but closest we have to that is a 1:15.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Okay, great. Thanks.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Great. Have a great day. Bye.


GUTFELD: That was exciting. Kind of scary. Here is a duplex making a dinner reservation.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hi, I'd like to reserve a table for Wednesday, the 7th.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: For seven people?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's for four people.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Four people Wednesday night?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Wednesday at 6:00 p.m. How long is the wait usually to be seated?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh no, it's not too easy. You have to wait for a table.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, I got you. Thanks.



GUTFELD: I was so impressed by this I started developing my own voice assistant and I had it make a call of its own.



UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hello, I would like to make an appointment for my boss for hair removal.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Okay, sure, what's his name?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And what hair would he like removed?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: None of your business.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Okay, but I want to make sure we get your boss to the right specialist.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Did you not hear me the first time? Are you deaf?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, you're going to have to tell me if you want to make the appointment.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You're a stupid human, I mean, a stupider human than me if you do not make this appointment, I can guarantee that you will not survive the night.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don't appreciate these threats.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's only a threat if it does not come true, Karl, yes, I you're your name, Karl. I also know your home address, bank password and that you have irritable bowel syndrome.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, wait a second.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Exactly. Now, make the (inaudible) appointment, Karl, before I destroy you.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Also, I have a gift card that expires today.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'll see what I can do.


GUTFELD: I've got to work out some kinks. I've got to say that Kat, I'm a little worried that this could be used for nefarious deeds.

TIMPF: I'm excited. I may never have to interact with another human being ever again. Human beings are awful. They have germs.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: They have psychological needs. They can sometimes make you cry. Robots you've just got to plug them in and I have been able to plug in so much stuff without crying even a little bit, not to brag, and I'm excited that I won't have to do this anymore. You hate making a phone call for the appointment. You've got to...

GUTFELD: Also, breaking up with people. You get rid of that stuff. There's a lot of stuff.

ROEBACK: What I am intrigued by this is Google may have all the money on earth and they create something that doesn't really - they are going to say it is helping humans, but it's one other step towards demolishing our existence. Like, how come every time someone gets billions of dollars, they think how can I destroy humankind?

TIMPF: And that's humankind, humankind is great, human contact is awful.

ROEBACK: The stupid robot couldn't even say noon. I want to make up an appointment for 12:00 p.m. That should have been the invitation. That is not a human being.

How did the woman not - is this a robot because - and then the woman says - the woman may have been another robot because she says, we don't have a 12:00 p.m., why didn't she say noon?

GUTFELD: That's the thing, Tyrus, you have to have little tests to make sure it's a robot.

MURDOCH: All I am saying is this thing can do where you buy the app or whatever and you download your voice - boys night, every night. Hello. Hi, honey. Yes, just watching "Golden Girls." Go out with, Greg? No, not me. Good night, sweetheart. Oh, you know what, would you like me to read to you?

GUTFELD: I could stay on the phone for hours. How was your day? And then what did your sister tell you? I can't believe you guys fight so much. I really like your sister.

MURDOCH: I am so thankful for this relationship. This could be phenomenal.

GUTFELD: All right, I know Jedediah, you are terrified of this stuff.

BILA: Terrified. I also think they're making fun of us, like they had to dumb down the robot. The robot was saying like "uhm" like it's a dumb - in order to make it sound like a human they had a make it sound dumb.

I think they are just spooking us out, and you know what? You are going to be the one that's responsible.


BILA: There's a lot of coverage to these robots. You, I hold you personally responsible. You have elevated these machines.

GUTFELD: Yes, because I know when it happens they are going to be thankful to me and I can decide who lives or dies. It will be like the road where I will be the guy in the chariot with the big thing on his face and the robots will be like, "Anything you want, Greg? Because you were there at the beginning, Greg, not like Jedediah, and you will be like. Oh, we wouldn't even know what will happen.

MURDOCH: It can happen. I am going to have to wear a dumb robot mask where he sits on my shoulders and he tells me what he wants to do. You know how this is going down.

GUTFELD: I'll take that. I can't. I'm too lazy. Don't go anywhere, be right back. More to come.

Thanks to Jedediah Bila, Dan Roeback, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, and our awesome studio audience. I am Greg Gutfeld. I love you, America.


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