This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," April 14, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC HOST: I did have a whole different show planned for tonight, we will do it tomorrow. Things happen, you know, beat up, roll off. I'm trying to be a duck about this. I am trying to be a zen duck. Beat up, roll off. Just let it go.
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GREG GUTFELD, HOST, "THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW": I don't know what that means. Let's move on.
All right. Thank you, America. So, like a six-pound frozen block of in- flight bathroom waste, James Comey's book dropped from the sky, and when it did the media could not contain their excitement.
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MADDOW: The James Comey book accidentally came out early, oops. Good evening, Lawrence.
LAWRENCE O'DONNELL, MSNBC HOST: Oh, good evening, Rachel. I was just reading the end because I want to see how the investigation turns out, so I'm just kind of...
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GUTFELD: Breaking news, they can read. I kid. Now, no one sent me a book. Everyone else got one and it made them feel so funny inside.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Comey went further than you were even expecting even more so than when he talked about it in the book.
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, AMERICAN JOURNALIST: He is just not holding back on President Trump in any way shape or form.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And he talks about how it was an out of body experience for him to sit with the President, it must have been an out of body experience for you...
STEPHANOPOULOS: Thank you for saying that.
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GUTFELD: Kids, this ain't the Bible. It's a freaking book of gossip by a bitter ex. Here is one revelation though, Comey says Trump reminds him of something.
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MADDOW: I thought of New York mafia's social clubs. The Italian mafia called itself la casa nostra, this thing of ours and always drew a line between someone who was a friend of yours meaning someone outside the family and someone who was a friend of ours, meaning an official member of the family and the president-elect was trying to make us all part of the same family, and that team Trump had made it a thing of ours.
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GUTFELD: So, I am pretty sure that Thursday night, Rachel read the entire book to her audience. It was like a bedtime story for communist party cat ladies.
But Trump is like a mafia boss? File that under duh. Anyone who saw the debates knows that. Every day he put out a hit on a libel.
The fact is he is a billionaire real estate developer in New York City. You think he never had to deal with actual mafia bosses? Why do you think he is the way he is now, sorry, when America hears Comey whine that Trump is like a mafia boss they go, no, (inaudible) Sherlock. That's why we like him.
Think about it, who would you rather have dealing with the likes of North Korea or Putin? A guy who reminds you of this or someone who reminds who reminds you of a grad school PA poetry to his cats.
Now, I don't know that he does that and okay, if I were Trump when asked about being called a mob boss, I'd say, I am deeply flattered and then I would hand out red hats that's a "mafia" instead of MAGA, we had that made by the way, $25.00 if you want it.
Bottom line, this all comes down to one fact. There's a certain kind of person designed to be President from the get-go. They look like this or this or this or this. Trump is not them. He is Trump. Someone unaccustomed to the purity test all politicians can fake, which is why the public doesn't care, they know what he is.
He may be a mafia boss, but he is our mafia boss.
So, they are applauding for the mafia. They are applauding for the mafia. So, while the media spews crap, how does America feel about it? All of this is about behavior prior to an election designed to unseat a President based on a vast emotional injury that occurred on November 8, 2016. What unites anti-Trumpers is PTSD -- President Trump Stress Disorder.
The media says Trump is using foreign policy to distract from scandal, but it's actually the opposite. These scandals are designed to keep him from doing his job. That is how America sees it. That is how I see it. And I am America.
Yes, I am. I am kind of shaped like America and America just wants him to keep doing his job because, so far he ain't bad. ISIS, North Korea, China, taxes -- stop him now. What a story that would be. First, an outsider is elected to disrupt the system. Second, he actually disrupts the system. Third, the media and their Democratic enablers flip out. Four, they use everything in their power to remove him.
Now, if they succeed, they will have removed one of the most radical political figures in recent memory using behavior that occurred prior to the election. Anti- Trumpers, have you thought this through? If you're not careful, you're going to turn Trump into a massive folk hero and 70 million people will be at your doorstep and it won't be to sing, "You've got a friend."
Let's welcome tonight's guests like my favorite butcher, Steve, she cuts through the bologna. I almost said something else -- author, TV host, Jedediah Bila. Like a well oiled stopping cart, he will have you rolling in the aisles, actor, writer, comedian Jamie Lissow.
Yes, she's got more baggage than a Samsonite salesman. National Review reporter, Kat Timpf.
And he hates ceiling fans.
GEORGE MURDOCH, IMPACT WRESTLER: That's true.
GUTFELD: Impact wrestler, my massive sidekick, Tyrus. Jedediah, a lot happened this week, Comey, Comey, Comey, Comey, Comey, Comey. What you make of this?
JEDEDIAH BILA, AUTHOR AND TV HOST: I mean, the book sounds terrible. I didn't get a copy either, I couldn't imagine why, but every excerpt I read made him less and less likable as a person and this guy -- I mean, he stoops to the lowest level.
He's like talking about Trump's tie. He is talking about Trump's under eye circles like is he in a tanning bed is he not? And it's just like any shred of credibility that this guy had, which I don't know how he could have any after not indicting Hillary Clinton frankly, but any shred that remains had been lost from the excerpts that I've read and, it's just -- you know, I think there are some people in this world that just want to be in front and center in front of the camera all the time and we work in the television business, we are trained to spot that. This guy is one of them.
Any opportunity like someone hand him a show because he's begging for it because that's what he wants. That would be...
GUTFELD: What, Tyrus?
MURDOCH: You better not.
MURDOCH: You better not.
MURDOCH: I warned you about the Hillary on Sunday and if Comey gets one, I'm done. I'm out.
GUTFELD: Here's my Sunday lineup. My Sunday lineup, you've got Hillary at 8 o'clock because that provides fodder for "Fox & Friends" the next day, followed by Comey and it's like, Comey -- let's call it the "Comey Confessional." And he could tell us what he thinks. Sorry, Tyrus.
All right, Jamie...
JAMIE LISSOW, ACTOR, WRITER, COMEDIAN: What if instead of the "Comey Confessions," what about the "Fredo Files." Thanks you, because of the things before...
GUTFELD: Yes. A godfather illusion, I believe it was. What do you make of Trump's response to Comey?
LISSOW: I honestly thought maybe he even overreacted. Like why even respond to someone...
KATHERINE TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: Thank you. Thank you.
LISSOW: You're welcome. It is a tell-all book. Rarely do people release a tell-some book. It's all of it. And I thought that the thing about -- I thought Trump should have almost -- just let it roll off his shoulders especially the thing about, you know, the story that was in there about Russia and the prostitutes and the peeing. I thought Trump should at least made an excuse and just said, "It's not what everyone thinks. It's just I just don't speak fluent Russian and they completely misunderstand me. I walked in and I was like, what are you guys doing? I said there's a leak in the sink."
GUTFELD: That would have worked.
LISSOW: Right, I said to get three hot plumbers not three hot prostitutes. That's my idea.
GUTFELD: That is very good. Kat, what do you make of this -- the Comey book?
TIMPF: There is nothing wrong with reading poetry to your cat, Greg. First of all.
GUTFELD: That's what you got from this?
TIMPF: That's what I just got from your monologue. It seems like you're insulting one of my favorite pastimes.
GUTFELD: That was actually put in there directed to insult you.
TIMPF: I thought so.
TIMPF: But no, I agree with Jedediah. He made comments about the tiny hands. Are we done with a tiny hands yet? That's like the biggest hack joke in the world. I am surprised like the next sentence wasn't why didn't the chicken cross the road? That's how hack that it was. It's like you're not Regina George. You are a former FBI director. You can act like a grown-up.
BILA: He wants to be Regina George.
TIMPF: He wants to be Regina George.
GUTFELD: Who is Regina George?
TIMPF: "Mean Girls."
BILA: "Mean Girls."
GUTFELD: Why didn't I know that?
LISSOW: I am so glad you asked, Greg. I was nodding just pretending I knew who it was because I was afraid the camera was on me, too.
GUTFELD: I thought it was a historical political figure.
TIMPF: It is.
GUTFELD: It is. I am so embarrassed. Tyrus, what do you make of the whole thing -- what is wrong with having a mafia boss as the president?
MURDOCH: Well, as long as your name isn't Fredo. It's not too bad. The whole thing -- here's the thing, obviously from the day they met, Trump and Comey did not like each other. It was not a match made in heaven and he felt he was fired by someone who was inferior to him, so that is where the anger comes from.
But I am willing to suggest if we actually got our hands on the book that wasn't cut and pasted by the liberal media that it might be a better read. I think they're doing a disservice. I have not seen the book, but they are taking pieces out and forming it for their own thing. I think they're making him -- they are doing a horrible the service to Comey because you haven't read -- I haven't read it.
I am not saying -- he's obviously bitter. Listen, if I got fired by say, a guy smaller than me that I could beat up or whatever, I might, I might when my book comes out say some terrible things about like his animal choices that aren't real. You know the foot stools around the office that I trip over all the time. I might have some issues with some things, which I get. I understand that. We have all been fired and no, I have never said that after I got fired, "That was really a wonderful place, so I was really glad to be there. Sorry, they fired me." You know what I am saying?
So, I feel like this is more the media like, "Oh, let's take this one thing and let's say this and let's say this." I'll wait until -- I will actually read the book and I will...
BILA: I would totally buy that except that when you watch him in the interviews, he is insufferable.
GUTFELD: Yes, he is.
BILAL: It's like a pity party for Comey every time.
GUTFELD: Everything is like confliction. It's "Oh my god, I did not know what to do," and he started talking about his wife. Just shut up, you're an adult.
BILA: I know.
MURDOCH: He obviously hates Donald Trump. That is the question that Stephanopoulos should've asked him. Do you hate Donald Trump?
MURDOCH: Tell the truth. He got under your skin and you couldn't believe that -- what he thought being an elitist, this guy could fire me and that's what he would have talked about.
BILA: He would be like, I don't hate anyone, you know, some sort of...
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: Which means you hate everyone.
LISSOW: I just want to be a good person...
BILA: I just want to do the right thing...
GUTFELD: All right, we have got to move on because he have so much good stuff in this show to make your head explode. Not that I want to see that because that would be gory and disgusting.
All right, what did we learn from Mark Zuckerberg's appearance at the Senate hearing? For starters, how to ask asked really stupid questions.
Doogie Howser went to DC. It's true. Mark Zuckerberg went to the Capitol where he met creatures, creatures old enough to ride wooly mammoths on the frozen tundra of Siberia. This wasn't a hearing. It was a hard of hearing.
It was tough watching Zuck explain how the internet works to people who mistake iPads for cutting boards. But how they pronounced chocolate.
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BILL NELSON, US SENATOR, FLORIDA: I love a certain kind of chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate.
I like chocolate.
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GUTFELD: He does. I am scared of him. This strange meeting between two different worlds kind of reminds me of a movie.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He came from somewhere far away. Our planet had never seen anything like him seeking friendship, he spoke a language that befuddled our greatest leaders.
MARK ZUCKERBERG, FOUNDER, FACEBOOK: I would differentiate between ISPs so there might be areas where there needs to be more regulation in one and less than the other.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And it confused them forcing them to ask ridiculous questions.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Who is going to protect us from Facebook?
LINDSEY GRAHAM, US SENATOR, SOUTH CAROLINA: Is Twitter the same as what you do?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Can you define hate speech?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Is Facebook a financial institution?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What was FaceMash and is still up and running?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He answered them in a language only he and his fellow aliens understood.
ZUCKERBERG: I will have my team follow up with you. I will have my team follow up. My team. My team. My team...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This spring, witness the incredible story of a being from another galaxy. Beaten, grilled and tortured by human stupidity. Nude man on a unicorn juggling flamethrowers while filing his taxes presents, Mark Zuckerberg, Lindsey Graham and Carl Weathers as Dillon.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Dillon, you, son of a bitch.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: MZ, The Mark Zuckerberg.
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GUTFELD: Well done. All right. I felt bad for the guy because no one got him, but it's not about age, but about knowledge which this crowd lacked. That hearing was not an argument against regulation and for term limits and small government. I don't know what is.
And if Zuckerberg is 10% the genius that we think he is, he better have left that meeting a full on libertarian. Anyway, Zuck did okay. He wore a suit, finally. I am so proud of him and I think it's his first.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Is your nephew graduating from high school? Younger sister having her first communion or maybe you are going to nana's funeral? Then you need the Zuck.
The first suit for guys who have never worn a suit before. Designed specifically to make you look like a big boy on your big day. Like that first day of work.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, what's going on, guys?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, nice suit.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, thanks. The Zuck.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The Zuck. For that all-important first fancy date.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's chilly now. Do you want my jacket?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, I am good.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But it's The Zuck.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The Zuck. Or even your first court appearance.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I think you need to plead guilty.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: But I wasn't even wearing a weenie...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Guys wearing that go to jail.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Even in the Zuck?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The Zuck. And the Zuck looks great at widely covered Congressional testimonies. Order now and we will throw in free booster seats. The Zuck. Your mom will hate the way you look, we guarantee it. The Zuck.
GUTFELD: Jamie, what do you like -- did you feel bad for Zuckerberg being questioned for ten hours?
LISSOW: I loved every minute of this. So, he spent ten hours listening to opinions he did not want to hear, being asked questions he didn't want to hear posed. Hey, that's what it is like to go on Facebook. That happens every time I go on, so I am glad he got to experience it.
GUTFELD: Should there be any content regulations?
LISSOW: I think there should be, at some point, they will have to do that. If I could pick one, I would like there to be -- every time I go on Facebook, afterwards, I feel bad about myself. For some reason, I read that like everyone is doing all of these things. I think you should have to put some negative things on Facebook.
Whenever people post like, "Oh, I did this. I did this." You never see someone post something like, "I just gained 20 pounds." "I ate a pie every day for the last 30 days. I am depressed," and there is a picture of them holding up a small pair of pants they used to fit into.
GUTFELD: I will say though, Kat, you do that. You go on those social networks and you're not always happy.
TIMPF: I like to keep it honest.
GUTFELD: You do. You do. How fast did that suit that he wore end up in a pile in a laundry basket never to be touched again?
TIMPF: He do not think do very well. I've seen pieces of toast with more charisma and they didn't even have butter on them. I got the vibe like he seemed like he was a teenager being forced to volunteer in a nursing home. That was kind of the vibe. That's really what I thought. But I just love how they had such a little idea of what Facebook really is, but they do know that they want to regulate it.
TIMPF: If that isn't the government in a nutshell, then I don't know what is.
GUTFELD: Yes, we can't explain it, but I can order chocolate. I can order chocolate and then there's an ad for the chocolate. So, how does this machine know that I like the chocolate? Thank you. Tyrus? What do you make of it?
MURDOCH: I have a question for you, Greg.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
MURDOCH: I couldn't help but notice your little commercial there and where did you guys get those suits? Because those look a lot like my jackets.
GUTFELD: I didn't steal them from Brian Kilmeade.
MURDOCH: No. So, I've got a Facebook post for the guy who was wearing my suits. He got ass kicked today for wearing a big suit. You know, the whole thing, Cruz was my favorite part.
MURDOCH: Because he wanted to ask a question and he kept trying to go -- all he wanted to know was if any of his photos were out there. He wanted to know if he had seen anything of his stuff.
He was like, "So, is there stuff about Republicans out there? Any photos of guys from Texas who might be Republican who ran for President and lost miserably? No? None?" He literally was just -- all he wanted to make sure that none of his stuff is out there. That's it. So, you know everyone's data that is out there.
GUTFELD: Really? Well, you know, at a certain point everybody's stuff is going to be out there. We have to assume privacy, I believe, Jedediah is dead.
BILA: Yes, along with chivalry and...
GUTFELD: Everything is dead.
BILA: Civility and all the other good stuff.
GUTFELD: Yes, the only things that are alive are really scary. Do you think that social media training should be like given to everybody in the Senate and Congress?
BILA: Well, I watched this and I was -- I can't believe we elected these guys. I mean, when you like, we are doing a basic television show now, if I got a list of topics and looked at one of them and I had no idea, I would read the link. They're not embarrassed at all to go sit there. I mean, we elect them. This is their job. They're supposed to do the research. They are supposed to ask insightful questions. They have no shame. It is unbelievable.
GUTFELD: I will say this. Orrin Hatch was the only person who knew what was going on when he asked like, he basically said, okay, so it's free. How do they make money and Zuckerberg goes, advertising and he was basically saying to the people there, you are a bunch of idiots.
BILA: Which they didn't get.
GUTFELD: They didn't even get it. They thought he was being stupid but then, he said like that's how they make money, advertising, and then you have Charles Grassley, who's like reading word for word something like an assistant gave him from Wikipedia. So, you are telling me Facebook isn't actually a book of human faces.
Speaking of a book of human faces -- that's what you call a natural segue. This book is coming out soon. You can order at Amazon. It's all of my monologues from "The Five," not all of them because then, the book would be really big, the best. This is like 250 monologues and I add new stuff in and I write about like stuff I got wrong which is rare and add to the stuff that I got right, which is great. It's been endorsed by this little guy.
Hi, Greg. Great job, Greg.
All right, "Gutfeld Monologues." He thinks dope is a dope so why John Boehner grows pot after being against it for decades? We report, you get the munchies.
ROBERT GRAY, HOST, FOX NEWS: Live from America's News Headquarters, I am Robert Gray. Tonight, President Trump declaring mission accomplished in Syria.
The pentagon says that an American-led strike took out the heart of President Bashar Assad's chemical weapons program. One hundred five missiles were used in a predawn strike targeting three facilities.
The US, Britain and France say the Syrian government used chlorine and possibly sarin nerve gas in an attack that killed dozens last week.
But Syria and Russia dispute that. Russia even accusing Britain of staging a fake chemical attack. Meanwhile, the UN Security Council rejected a Russian resolution condemning the US for escalating the Syrian conflict.
Only two other countries, China and Bolivia, backed the proposal.
UN Ambassador Nikki Haley had a message for Assad saying the US was quote, "Locked and loaded if chemical weapons are used again."
Now, back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show."
GUTFELD: Instead of going to seed, he embrace the weed. It is true. The former Speaker of the House, John Boehner has joined the Advisory Board of Acreage Holdings, a pot firm that grows and sells legal weed in 11 states.
It's a 180 for Boehner. Nine years ago, he said he was total opposed to the legalization. Now, he says his attitude has evolved in recent years. And I am sure it has nothing to do with him getting paid for it.
He tweets, "I am convinced the scheduling the drug is needed so we can do research, help our vets and reverse the opioid epidemic ravaging our communities." Boehner released a statement along with fellow Republican Bill Weld -- remember him? Calling for a shift in Federal marijuana policy claiming that 94% of Americans currently favor some type of access. I believe we have tape of that announcement.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Is my driving okay?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I think we're parked.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes.
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GUTFELD: Back when that was funny. Still is actually. Tyrus, so he was against it when he was in political power and now he is out of politics and he is on a Board. Isn't that what is kind of wrong with politics?
MURDOCH: The fact that they do only things -- a politician is only doing things that are good for them?
MURDOCH: Yes, at least this time he's not in office, so he won't be making decisions based on what is being lining his pocket in this situation because before he would have been doing what -- when he was in office, he was against it because someone was paying him to be against it. And this is what the swamp is. This is exactly what it is. Whether it is Republican or Democrat, this is exactly what it is.
He is going to sit up there with a straight face and he will cry about -- remember, because he likes to cry. He is going to go, "I was so wrong about marijuana and it got to me, you know, I have glaucoma," and he's going to do the whole thing and as soon as that check bounces, he will come out on the other side and be like, "Nope, the vape alone made me upset. I can't do it." It's terrible. It's bad. He'll do literally whatever you pay them to do. Like, it's sad. It's so transparent. It's disgusting.
GUTFELD: What do you think, Jedediah?
BILA: I mean, there was a story I read that said that he had a friend who had this chronic back pain and was suffering and that watching him go through that and taking the medical marijuana kind of changed his opinion. I don't know.
GUTFELD: That was Bill Clinton.
BILA: It was what?
GUTFELD: Bill Clinton.
GUTFELD: I don't know.
BILA: I don't know. I see it, like I agree with you though, Tyrus. That is likely what happened, but I like to believe in a world where you can evolve, where you can have a stand on an issue and then experience...
MURDOCH: He's still (inaudible)...
BILA: Something. That's true. But maybe, like you know, I mean, I can think of things in life that had an opinion about or I thought I had an opinion about and then I lived a real life experience of that or had someone I know touched by it and you can change, so if I were going to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he is a crier and I like men who cry and I just naturally gravitate that way, I am going to go with, good job on the evolution, John.
GUTFELD: Okay, I am actually happy he had a change of heart even though it might be a little bit manufactured, but I think it's a good change of heart. Jamie, what you make of this? Does this surprise you?
LISSOW: It does, but first of all, I think it's suspicious that his name is spelled B-O-E-H-N-E-R and it's pronounced Baner. It's B-O -- like I wonder if anybody pronounced it wrong in high school. You know what I mean?
LISSOW: Like, Bo-en-her.
GUTFELD: They had to do a massive like PR campaign in his neighborhood. Then, he stands, no, it's pronounced this way.
LISSOW: Yes, but I think it's obviously good. There is so much research now showing that there's a lot of good to be done. Marijuana does a lot of good. It's for, you know, chronic back pain as you mentioned, like arthritis or if like, you have to go to your kid's violin recital. All of these are good reasons to legalize it.
GUTFELD: Kat, are you happy he's changed his mind?
TIMPF: Yes, although I think that just because he's changed his mind doesn't mean he's changed as a dude. I bet you, he still calls it the pot.
GUTFELD: The pot.
TIMPF: I agree with Tyrus, though, but I think it's really sad that -- I bet you, he actually kind of still always supported legalization in some sense, but he felt like he couldn't come out and support of it while he was in a leadership position of the Republican Party and I think that that is really sad because the Republican Party is supposed to be about freedom. There's no reason to become criminalizing an individual -- an adult for what they want to put in their own body, so I think it's really sad that he had to wait to do this, but I think that he's absolutely right.
GUTFELD: Yes, it's true. It's true. Maybe he was worried about his constituents who referred to it as the evil, hippie, jazz cigarette.
TIMPF: The pot. The devil's grass.
GUTFELD: You know, 10 years of watching "Dragnet" you know, it will poison your brain. I watched "Dragnet," I thought everything was evil. Like, remember the episode where the guy was eating paint? Remember that?
GUTFELD: Maybe I made that up but. But you would think, poor pot. Like if I was working on the pot counsel, this is what I would do. I would turn marijuana into something so mundane that it's as boring is alcohol. Like, you know, in the 1960s, they had the town drunk and it was funny in TV shows. They don't have that anymore because it was no longer funny, so you have to make pot as boring as alcohol and then you have to treat it like a reward. Like, you don't have a martini in the morning, you have it after work.
LISSOW: You don't?
GUTFELD: No, that is why you haven't made it yet, Jamie, no, but waking and baking, you can't be successful if you're high in the morning. But treat it like you work, you come home and you have you know, something, although I can't do it, it makes me crazy. It makes me crazy.
MURDOCH: It's not the weed.
GUTFELD: It's not the weed?
MURDOCH: I will tell you what. I'll give him a break if he smokes. If I see him toke up, I'll be like, "All right, man, you're cool. I'm with you." He'd be like...
BILA: Crying in the smoke, oh god. Forget about it.
GUTFELD: I don't know. I don't know. So, let's move on. When I don't know, we move on. All right, can robot warriors save the world? Will they help us or eat us or both?
Do we need more heroes made of ones and zeros? That is a question of Paul Scheer at "The Wall Street Journal" which is owned by our parent company, Orange Julius. The writer notes that a robot army is fast becoming reality as more than 16 countries already possess armed drones and now there's plenty of unmanned weapons in development around the world including Russia's Uran-9 which is a robot tank.
The US Sea Hunter which is the surface ship designed for anti-sub warfare, the long-range anti-ship missile once it goes airborne, it hunts on its own, recon drones which once weaponized could be devastatingly effective and of course, these killer mini-bots which are still in development in my basement.
It won't make it. Kat, are you for or against the development of a robot army?
TIMPF: I am for it.
TIMPF: Yes, because in the future, we won't have army armies so much as just a country's robot fighting another country's robot and I think that is great because there will be less human carnage and also wars will have rain delays, right? It will be like what happened to World War III, and it will be like, oh, we have a rain delay because we can't get the robots wet. How dope is that?
GUTFELD: I never even thought about it. What about -- are you worried Jamie about robot warfare?
LISSOW: I'm very worried. What if the robots are out there from that one country fighting the other robots and then they stopped and they are like, wait a minute, we are all robots. Let's kill everybody else. Couldn't this really happen?
GUTFELD: That is a great point.
LISSOW: I think that could really happen.
GUTFELD: That's a great point.
LISSOW: I saw it in a movie.
GUTFELD: It's like they're trying to us against each other when it's the meat people.
LISSOW: Yes, the meat...
GUTFELD: It's the meat people that -- the meat...
LISSOW: Wait, you're a metal person and I'm a metal person. Let's go together.
GUTFELD: They are made of meat. All right, Jedediah, are you a meat person or a robot person?
BILA: You guys are laughing about this, but this scares me...
GUTFELD: It doesn't scare me, but go ahead.
BILA: So badly because if you think about it, who is manning these machines and what happens when somebody hacks one of them? And then, like, nobody saw "The Terminator." Nobody cares.
GUTFELD: I care.
BILA: I don't understand. I am writing a book about this because I feel like technology is just ballooning and everybody is just like, "Oh, this is great," and nobody is sitting and saying, "This is terrifying." Have you seen these robot dogs? These dogs that look like.
GUTFELD: Have you watched the show? We have the robot dogs on every week.
BILA: I haven't watched them.
GUTFELD: Jedediah, the key here is to befriend robots now so when they do the killing they skip you.
TIMPF: Yes, always say thank you to the elevator when you get on and off. Thank you, elevator.
GUTFELD: I correct my coaster. Tyrus? Tyrus?
BILA: I believe that.
MURDOCH: So you don't know, Greg's on the other side.
GUTFELD: Yes, I am on the other side.
MURDOCH: This is in AI, Uncle Tom?
GUTFELD: I am. I am.
MURDOCH: He would sell us all out for them. You would have to be the one human left.
BILA: So, you're not scared at all?
MURDOCH: He's making deals.
GUTFELD: No, no, no. I'm...
BILA: What's -- where is humanity going to live in that?
MURDOCH: He has outlets over his house.
GUTFELD: All right.
BILA: Tell me, I need to know. This would dupe us out...
GUTFELD: Okay, I am -- Jedediah, I am going to tell you something and it's going to -- why do we do these segments on robotics and automation? Because I know that Donald Trump watches Fox News and if he watches it is much as he says he does, he's watching right now and with tech warfare, the country that wins is the country that gets there first.
So, America has to get there first. We got the bombs first, that is why we are number one. We shouldn't have let other countries get the bombs. I'm talking about the big bombs. The same thing, we have got tech warfare first and then we don't let anybody else get it and then we run earth and then we move to other planets. Donald Trump is listening. Donald Trump is listening. The country that gets there first in AI wins.
If China gets there before us, we are their barnyard animals.
BILA: What happens if you have -- what happens if you are overrun with robots and you think everything is going great and then Iran somehow hacks into the system and now the robots turn on humanity?
MURDOCH: Cup of water.
GUTFELD: Cup of water. Yes, weather making machines that cause it to rain in Iran.
BILA: I give up.
GUTFELD: You know what the thing is, I think what you -- you show kind of a robotist a view, it's kind of -- it's a robot bigot. You know, what you are? You are okay with human error, right, but you freak out over machine error, but there's fewer machine error than there are human error. Humans make mistakes all the time. Robots, they are perfect, right guys?
They are listening, Tyrus. They are listening to me.
MURDOCH: Yes, they are. You little androids and aliens.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know it. You know, when this happens, when this happens, you are going to be at my doorstep and you are going to be banging on my door and I am going to open a little slat and I go, "Sorry, Jedediah. I remember, Friday April 13th, 2017, when you were making fun of robots and you know what, you aren't coming in," and then I close it really tight and then I open it up and then I look at you and I laugh, and then I close it again.
BILA: You're really enjoy this fun way too much.
GUTFELD: I am.
LISSOW: And then I am going to show up at your door Greg, wearing my robot costume.
GUTFELD: Yes. You've done that three times by the way. He's a robot (inaudible)...
LISSOW: It finally makes sense.
TIMPF: I am not playing Sarah Connor...
GUTFELD: There should be robot strippers. Still to come, there is a crisis in candy and one is sweet is on the chopping block. God, I hope it's not Mike and Ike. Oh, wait, it's Necco.
It is no longer safe for our tasty precious waif. I speak of the legendary Necco wafers, a candy or so they say, that has been an American classic since before the Civil War. Some love them and others hate them, the New England confectionery company makes them and says they want to shut down as soon if a buyer does not come along to save their business.
Since they made that announcement, sales have begun to surge. I wonder who could be buying up all that candy.
John Boehner really has changed. It's like total -- he just wants the candy now that he is high. Jamie, do they have actual candy in Alaska?
LISSOW: They do. A lot of it is the nose candy you have heard of.
GUTFELD: The long-haul truckers.
LISSOW: There's not a lot to do. You know what is weird about Necco? Did you know, I Googled this? You know, Necco wafers were made in 1847. Do you know it was invented in 1848?
LISSOW: Flavor. They just missed it. The only reason to have Necco wafers is it's the perfect thing to hand out on Halloween if you want your house to be vandalized. They are disgusting and I am happy to see them go.
GUTFELD: This might be a generational thing. And since Tyrus, you're my age.
MURDOCH: No, I am not.
GUTFELD: Would you ever run into Necco's in your Halloween heyday?
MURDOCH: No, Greg. We didn't celebrate Halloween in my house. People with masks got shot at, so we don't -- and arrested, so we didn't -- it wasn't a big thing in my neighborhood to put a mask on and go knocking on doors. It didn't really -- it didn't run well. It wasn't until I got to college and I was like, "That's Halloween? Dang."
GUTFELD: No wonder I killed four ghost.
MURDOCH: Actually, Greg, I had a plan to save -- you know, they make the Valentine's candies -- see he is laughing because it's kind of racist. You know, but if they would just stop being so sweet with the Halloween with the Valentine's Day stuff, because we live in a divided country. Have some rude Valentine's candy, like is this going to work?
GUTFELD: Yes. Let's do it.
MURDOCH: Yes, I am seeing other people. They need to have -- you know what I am saying? I faked it. Like they need to have stuff. It's true.
GUTFELD: That reflects the division in our country. A divisive candy.
MURDOCH: Yes, I have a tape.
GUTFELD: Yes, I have a tape.
MURDOCH: I have a tape.
GUTFELD: I have a Russian tape. Yes, I don't want to know what the flavor of that wafer is. Kat, how do you feel? Do you have feelings -- strong feelings about this that Necco could go away?
TIMPF: I think that they probably will go away, Greg?
GUTFELD: Oh, my god.
TIMPF: And you want to know why?
TIMPF: Because they are not good.
GUTFELD: Oh, how dare you.
TIMPF: Why are people feeling nostalgic for things that aren't good. I get the history. I get that it's fun in the 1840s? But you know what also is from the 1840's, Greg? The great famine.
TIMPF: I don't see anyone being nostalgic for that.
TIMPF: The Donner Party, no one is nostalgic with that.
LISSOW: That's why they started eating those during the famine.
TIMPF: Yes, exactly.
GUTFELD: It's interesting. These candies became really popular after the Donner Party. Well, I am getting to my sort of green mode. Jedediah, I actually like this candy. I find it very flavorful.
BILA: You find it flavorful? I have never (inaudible) about anything.
GUTFELD: It's enjoyable.
BILA: I feel sad.
TIMPF: I never said I wouldn't eat one.
BILA: I think they are cute and they are like, I don't know. I feel nostalgic for stuff that you know, when you think about -- there's stuff that I liked when I was a kid, candies, like candy corn for example when I was a kid. You hate candy corn?
BILA: I love candy corn, but even if like if somebody says that that was going to go out of business, I would feel nostalgic for my childhood and for like, I don't know, like the little hearts when you are in middle school and somebody gave you the little kiss me and you are like...
TIMPF: Oh, you are getting those? Well, that's good for you.
GUTFELD: Yes, you know what you're talking about, you're talking about the illusion of nostalgia. The fact that like, everything seems so awesome when you were a kid, but it actually sucked. I grew up in the 70s. We had three TV channels. I had to ride my bike in El Camino Royale, there was litter everywhere and people don't remember this, but you could litter in the 70s until the crying Native American commercial started.
But you could litter everywhere. You would go, people would pull tab caps off their cans. They drink. They throw their cans out the window. There would be bags -- McDonald's bags everywhere because people littered. Then you come home and you'd have a (inaudible) television that is this big and you had to fiddle around with your dad's hanger -- coat hanger and then just so you could get like a rerun of "Gilligan's Island" that you've already seen.
Things were terrible in the 70s, but I love it.
LISSOW: I remember watching football and it was the gray team versus the gray team and you could not tell who was winning because they there were no colors to differentiate.
GUTFELD: But do you know what this reminds me, when I was a kid, you know kids like to play games and atheists, they love to play like doctor. When you were a catholic, you play communion.
GUTFELD: We don't do that. I am not kidding.
BILA: No, it's true.
GUTFELD: I am not kidding.
BILA: How are you nostalgic for that? All of that beautiful stuff you just talked about and then you've got like a robot fetish? How does that exist?
GUTFELD: Because the robots know what is next. Because I don't. Final thoughts, coming your way.
All right, we are running out of time. Final thoughts, Jamie.
LISSOW: Well, I'd love it if you want to check me out on my Netflix show. It's in Season 2 right now. It's called "Real Rob" with Rob Schneider. Good to see you, Greg. Thanks for having me.
GUTFELD: Yes, and by the way, go there and check out the episode where his girlfriend gets mauled by a bear. One of the funniest things I've ever seen. Tyrus?
MURDOCH: I've got a movie, "Super Kong" coming out in two weeks, April 27th. I have got a red carpet for that and it's my first big comedy. It's with John Malkovich, Mike Epps...
GUTFELD: I better be invited. I better be invited. Jedediah, Jamie, Kat, Tyrus. Thank you, studio audience. I am Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.
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