Gutfeld: 'Roseanne' has Hollywood shaking in their reboots

This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," March 31, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.


DANA BASH, ANCHOR, CNN: I didn't think we would get to the point where now you have Putin saying that it is as tense as it was is the 1980s. Do you think we are in sort of - I heard it called the other day, not a Cold War, but a Hot Peace?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, that's a good way to describe it.


GREG GUTFELD, HOST, "THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW": Yes, a hot piece. You have got to love Dana.

Yes, all right, Hollywood is shaking in their reboots. Roseanne's new debut had over 80 million viewers, almost twice this show.

But guess where Roseanne scored the highest? Tulsa, Oklahoma - that is literally the middle of America. Think about it? If TV were archery, "Roseanne" hit the nation's bull's-eye.


LAURIE METCALF, AMERICAN ACTRESS: How could you have voted for him, Roseanne?

ROSEANNE BARR, AMERICAN ACTRESS: He talked about jobs, Jackie. He said, he'd shake things up.

METCALF: Have you looked at the news because now things are worst.

BARR: Not on the real news.



GUTFELD: See what I mean?

GUTFELD: (Inaudible) it works. So, Roseanne is to Trumpee, her sister is a resister, but unlike most crap coming out of Hollywood, the show did not alienate half the country which is maybe why it scored big.

Now, we've all got the family member we would rather not talk to when the discussion turns to politics. Mine is in a cage I built out of raccoon bones.

But in Roseanne's house, disagreement doesn't make you an enemy. Now, granted, Roseanne has done some very, very strange things in her past. But maybe she's trying to make up for it by creating a show that tries to pull people together rather than apart.

And coming out as pro-Trump in Hollywood, that is like coming out like out as a fish at a bear sanctuary. But that wasn't the only reboot. Consider CNN who said, oh, stop it, they said enough with foreign-policy and national defense, we want a makeover. We are now the new weather channel - all stormy, all the time.

Yes, yes. Much like Roseanne, this reboot hinges on the appeal of one woman. Now, I don't blame CNN; when things are tough, you have got to go with what you know and they know Stormy like the back and front of their hand.

But CNN, at least be honest about it. When your news has gone from hard to semi-hard, that reboot needs a rebrand. Luckily, we got a sneak peek of their new lineup at CNN. It is great.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Are you ready for the most informative news programs on cable? Then you will love CNN's all new primetime lineup. At eight, it's Breaking News hour.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: With host, Stormy Daniels.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Need tips on the best stocks, then don't miss "The Market Report."

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: With Stormy Daniels at nine.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Or maybe you're hungry for the latest on Capitol Hill. At ten, it's "Politics Roundup."

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hosted by Stormy Daniels.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And for you night owls, at 11, you can catch the train to handsome town with Jake Tapper.

It's the new primetime lineup of CNN.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The hottest channel on TV.


GUTFELD: I'd watch. I'd watch every minute of it. All right, of course that's not all CNN covers. It just feels that way at times.

So, we've covered reboots that work, and reboots that don't, now let's talk about what's incapable of rebooting.


HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES: I was really struck by how people said that to me, mostly people in the press, for whatever reason, like "Oh, you know, go away, go away. And I had one of the young people who works for me go back and do a bit of research. They never said that to any man who was not elected.


GUTFELD: Yes, well because none of them called a state backwards for voting for the other guy. Hillary, she just can't reboot. It's like when you get an error message on your computer, so you shut it down and you think the error message will be gone now, so you power again and the error message is still there. Hillary, poor Democrats, you can't reboot her or boot her.

But the challenge for the lefty media is, what do you do when the country is back on its feet but you still want to report the bad stuff?

You need people who will say what they want them to say even when they don't mean it. You need more than a reboot, you need a robot.


NICHOLAS KRISTOFF, COLUMNIST, NEW YORK TIMES: Well, his hesitation to say anything to speak about this truly was, as Gene says, just insane earlier. Today.

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GUTFELD: Well done. Fact is, all of these stuff that the media keeps throwing at us, collusion, infidelity, dementia, his family, his diet, it's not computing with the citizens. What's really necessary for the press is a total reboot of the heart, if only they had one.

All right, let's welcome tonight's guest. She has more sense than a kid's piggy bank, Turning Point USA Communications Director, Candace OWENS. He has produced more hits than Snoop Dog's bong, "Kevin Can Wait" executive producer, Rob Long. And she once called Animal Control on the Easter Bunny, "National Review" reporter, Kat Timpf. Finally, his dinner plate can pick up all the major league baseball channels, Impact wrestler, my massive sidekick, Tyrus.

What you take of the CNN coverage so far of Stormy Daniels? Is it pertinent or just pernicious?

CANDACE OWENSS, COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, TURNING POINT USA: It's just interesting in my opinion. I don't understand how this is a new platform. I think what you showed is pretty accurate. Stormy Daniels is running CNN's network as well as the Democratic Party. So, she's gotten quite the raise and the promotion.




GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Exactly. Could she be in the Year of the Woman 2020, running like for office?

OWENS: Perhaps. She would have a better shot than Hillary Clinton did.

GUTFELD: I think - see I have a theory that Hillary and Stormy should run together. I think Bill would like that. Yes. Poor Bill. Anyway, Rob, you are a film producer or so you tell people at bars late at night.


GUTFELD: You would do with "Cheers" and "Kevin Can Wait," there was one in between there.

LONG: There a lot of between there, sadly, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. What is - how is Hollywood taking this "Roseanne" resurgence? Are they learning anything?

LONG: Well, you know, Hollywood is the place where you learn the wrong lesson all the time.


LONG: But right, what they're doing is celebrating. I mean, that's a gigantic audience for what we used to be thought as a dead form of multi- cam sitcom. She brought it back. She gave ABC a huge lift, what they're all looking around for now, I hope, is like more comedies like that that are relevant.

I mean, look, it's wrong to decide that what made "Roseanne" popular is that she's pro-Trump because the show itself is pretty mixed and balanced, but it's relevant. It's about what people are doing now and especially, it's funny, it's not quirky, it's not hip, it's not clever, it's snarky, it's just funny. She's a funny person. She and her sister argue in a funny way. It's what Americans always wanted in a half-hour comedy.
That's what all the family loves.

GUTFELD: It does remind me a bit of "All in the Family." And that makes Roseanne, Archie, right?

LONG: Well, right, and remember in "All in the Family" was designed to be a show where Archie learned a lesson about the progressive modern politics. Instead, everyone who watched the show was like Archie is the hero, right?


LONG: He's the only guy with a job. He's the guy who paid the - he bought the house. He fought World War II. He's got to sit there and listen to some absurd hippy telling him it's okay for guys to carry a purse.

I mean, Archie was a hero and even Norman Lear says it's like, when he was watching it, he realized that he thought, "Oh, I think, I did this wrong."

GUTFELD: Yes, he screwed up. The villain became the hero. Speaking of Kat. Do you think this show will heal us? And do you think Hillary will divide us? Take that question however you please.

TIMPF: Okay, first of all, I hate most things.


TIMPF: . but I could not hate "Roseanne." I really, really loved it. I watched the first episode and I thought it was really good. As for Hillary, continuing to whine about the sexism thing and saying that nobody ever told a man to go away, I don't think I've ever seen anyone, male or female continue to have nothing to say and still be up there saying things.


TIMPF: All it is, is just sexism thing or that Trump is a mean bully thing or this reason that I lost, it is not my fault, or this reason that I lost, it's not my fault. This reason - those are things you tell a therapist not a TV camera.


LONG: Also it's not true. They say that to every candidate who loses. It's not even true. They said it to Mitt Romney. They said it to Walter Mondale. They said it to Jimmy Carter. They said it to Michael Dukakis, that's what they say to the loser.


LONG: Shut up.

GUTFELD: The loser has to go away. Tyrus.


GUTFELD: Give me your deepest thoughts.

TIMPF: You better be careful.

GUTFELD: I know. I know.

MURDOCH: No, I am going to get in trouble. You know what, in my mind, you all made an interesting point, and I will just point out, you said citizen and that's so true. Our President is a citizen. So, he's going to make citizen mistakes. He does have a team of scientists, lawyers and a priest to cover up his background and things he has done 12, 15 years ago.

And I have the inside information on why he has not responded about Stormy.


MURDOCH: You guys want to know?


MURDOCH: You really want to know.


MURDOCH: Because his lawyer had a nondisclosure agreement that when you sign it you don't talk about it because if you talk about it, you break the agreement.


MURDOCH: And the sad thing in all of this, right here, you make the tape date, whatever, she's going sue her attorney.


MURDOCH: Stormy is going to sue her attorney because he is breaking the agreement that she signed, and took for him to support. So, whether he is wrong or right, if the President is wrong for whatever was alleged happened, they had an agreement. His lawyer signed it. He's third-party, so he didn't have to sign it. And we've been - I've done security. We have the same non- disclosure agreements with clients and stuff.

She broke the agreement and her attorney broke the agreement and the sad thing is, while he is using - he is the only one on the news now. She's in Nashville doing a strip thing that CNN was advertising.


GUTFELD: That she is, that she is.

MURDOCH: She is Nashville charging 30 bucks to hear the story.

GUTFELD: By the way, our flight leaves in two hours.

MURDOCH: Yes, I know. We're taking the helicopter. But the sadness in all of these is the victim again, is going to end up being Stormy because she is going to be the one who is going to be hit with the bill for breaking the disclosure and then her lawyer is going to hit her with a bill.

GUTFELD: Yes, and then there's Bill Clinton. He will be hitting on her. I have a prediction that perhaps Hillary is not going away and she will be running in 2020 because she has absolutely nothing to lose except another election, which she has already done and it's better than making redundant speeches at 25K a pop, while your husband leaves wads of Kleenex around the house because he has allergies. So, I think she is going to keep going.

OWENS: I hope she keeps going. I feel like I am the only one who loves it.


OWENS: Trump really should put her on salary at this point, you know, for his next campaign.

LONG: But before we all celebrate, I mean, I hate to be this kind of this guard party, she had to lose by that much.

GUTFELD: Oh, I know. It's true, yes.

LONG: And he is not a popular President, the lowest, most unpopular president at this point in his term. What this guy needs is a little less of his supporters talking about how great he is. I mean, he needs more tough love and he's not getting it. It's a great recipe for disaster for November. It would be a disaster for his party. And 2020 is going to be very, very tough. I hate to be the (inaudible) here.


GUTFELD: But I think.

LONG: But when you all talk about how great he is, maybe it is better we give him the spanking that he clearly likes.

GUTFELD: I think though, you are absolutely.

MURDOCH: Allegedly likes.

GUTFELD: Allegedly likes. I think you are right, but I do think the gun issue is going to get people off the sofa when previously they weren't. When you have people talking about repealing the Second Amendment, that might save him. Maybe.

MURDOCH: Well, 100%.

GUTFELD: All right, don't you move a muscle. We have more stuff to come. Will the president find money to build his border wall? He should check under the couch, it's always good for a few bucks.

He's still giving his all to get that damned wall. This week, the Washington Post reported President Trump is pushing for the US Military to build the wall. On Thursday, the Pentagon confirmed Trump spoke to Defense Secretary James Mattis about using defense funds to do just that.

Last week, Trump signed the $1.3 trillion government spending bill into law, which included a paltry 1.6 billion for the wall. Way short of the $25 billion that he wanted. He later suggested on Twitter, the military could spare a few bucks, at least I think that's what he said. He exclaimed, "Build wall through M." All right, maybe M stands for military or maybe it is meatballs. Build the wall out of meatballs.

Not the veal, though, I hate the veal. Meanwhile officials in Orange County, California voted to join a federal lawsuit against the state sanctuary city laws. The law ban state and local agencies from notifying Feds when immigrants in custody who may be subject to deportation are about to be released. That's crazy. For more, let's go live to the border where Stunt Goat Mike is testing out a wall prototype.



GUTFELD: He is the best in the business. Tyrus, I have an idea, why don't we combine the team. If you want to live in a sanctuary city, you contribute to the border by help building a wall. No?

MURDOCH: Yes. I am with that, yes. You know, what's killing me is I just want fairness. I think that's what every American asks for. So, if I commit a crime let's say in Wyoming and I get away with it and I run over to California and get arrested and it passes on the wire that I have a warrant in Wyoming, if I was in a sanctuary city, they couldn't do anything about it.

GUTFELD: That is true.

MURDOCH: But I am a US citizen, so as soon as I walk out, there will be some dudes from Wyoming going, "Come with us," like it's - if you are already committing a crime, which is if you are here without legal documentation, you're committing a crime and you get arrested for something else, it seems fair to me that they would be waiting for you when you got out to walk your ass back to where you belong.

I just don't see - I don't see how you can have an argument any other way.

GUTFELD: Yes, let me ask Kat, because I know you are a huge fan of the wall. You've been saying build a wall since the early '70s, so what's next? How do we proceed?

TIMPF: Greg, when I was a little girl, my parents told me I could get a bearded dragon if I kept my room clean. And then I did because they didn't think I would do it, and then they were like, "Okay, well, we will just take you to the Reptile Expo to look at them." I still remember that, dad, if you're watching, you owe me a lizard.

But the point is, I know Trump promised a wall, but it doesn't seem like funding is going to be possible, so we need at least to explore other ways to get border security and get - and fix the immigration system other than a wall.

GUTFELD: I think a wall could be part of it, Candace. Sanctuary cities drives me crazy because it is a lawless idea that depends on the lawful to obey because you have to have border agents that reduce the bad guys coming in, so you can then have this wonderful sanctuary city where everybody picks flowers together.

OWENS: Yes, I don't know, I am wondering if we have enough funding to sort of build a wall around California at this point because they would just become a disaster.

GUTFELD: Except for our California viewers. Our California viewers are wonderful people.

OWENS: They can help -we will rescue them. Exactly.

GUTFELD: We'll build it out.

OWENS: Yes, we'll use our military funding to rescue them, build a wall around the rest of California, and let Hollywood and its politicians celebrate the disasters that they're creating all around the country.

GUTFELD: Rob, you live in California, sometimes?

LONG: I do. I do.

GUTFELD: Is it true - when you have the sanctuary - if you have the sanctuary city and this lawlessness, are we going to see a culmination where California ends up like the "Road Warrior" meets "Lord of the Flies."

LONG: That's what it is now.


LONG: Now, look, I mean, California has got a huge economy. It's like the sixth biggest country in the world, if it were a country, so you can't really build a wall around it. But you can't have sanctuary - cities are not allowed to have foreign policy unless it's "Game of Thrones," right? At least, that's what - that's really what the federal government is supposed to do.

The surprising thing about the left is that they don't want the federal government to be restrained in any way except in the cases of border security. The one thing that is actually in the Constitution that the Federal government should be doing.


LONG: So, most conservatives are in favor of all sorts of Federalism and all sorts of devolving power of the states, except for the stuff like you know, the Army and the borders and stuff, right? That's what they are supposed to do.

GUTFELD: Yes, this is what matters. All right, I have a real working example of a sanctuary. There is only one sanctuary really, a nude beach, right? In order for nude beach to survive without the infiltration of malicious creeps and perverts, you have hard core security who happen to be dressed and armed. Don't ask me why I know this. All I know is I spent one afternoon cleaning up a nude beach because I was caught climbing a fence.

MURDOCH: I am stopping you right now because - I am stopping you right now.

GUTFELD: I was in high school.

MURDOCH: First of all, no and the creepy strange guys are the ones on the damn beach. No one has ever drove by a nude beach and seen an attractive woman on a nude beach. It's a bunch of guys, fitting your description looking around and waiting for women to show up. It is literally a cold sausage party with no women anywhere near.

GUTFELD: But you see my point, in order for it to exist, you need armed people to keep freaks out.

LONG: Well, or you just need to be - you know, there should be two kind of nude beaches. Nude beaches and the people who want to see in nude beaches.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.

LONG: But I am really more interested in the bearded dragon.

TIMPF: Yes, it's a lizard.

LONG: Yes, I know what it is. I am just thinking like.

GUTFELD: If you want to see a bearded dragon, go to a nude beach.

MURDOCH: I tried to stop them.


GUTFELD: I did. Sorry, you know what I did? I took that car pool lane to your joke.

LONG: That's good. That's good.

GUTFELD: Yes. I spent that.


MURDOCH: Now, we're stopping Greg's carpool lane.

GUTFELD: All right. I am going to shut up now because the other stories coming up are great. Coming up, it's the cheerleader scandal no one is talking about. Mainly because it's not really a scandal, but it's very interesting.

MARIANNE RAFFERTY, CORRESPONDENT, FOX NEWS: Live from America's News Headquarters, I am Marianne Rafferty.

Two people are dead after a homemade plane crashed into a shed in Southern California. Witnesses say, the single engine plane burst into flames after crashing. The two men who died in the crash have not been identified and there is no word yet on where the plane was coming from or where it was headed. No one on the ground was injured.

Investigators with the FAA and the National Transportation Safety Board are probing the cause of the crash.

And overseas, a final goodbye for legendary British scientist, Stephen Hawking. Hundreds lined the street of Cambridge to say farewell. Flags were lowered to half-staff in parts of the city to honor Hawking.

The funeral service was private. Actor, Eddie Redmayne who won and Oscar portraying Hawking was among those in attendance. Hawking died on March 14th. He was 76.

I am Marianne Rafferty. Now, back to "The Greg Gutfeld Show."

GUTFELD: All right, she is filing a suit over a suit. I speak of a New Orleans Saints cheerleader - aren't we all - who is suing the team after being fired for posting a photo of herself in a one-piece outfit on Instagram.

Bailey Davis seen here, apparently violated team rules. No nude, semi-nude or lingerie posts. It's the same rules I have for my parents by the way. She was also accused of violating the team's strict anti- fraternization policy for attending a party with Saints players.

Apparently, the same policy demands cheerleaders must leave - get this - leave a restaurant if a player walks in.


BAILEY DAVIS, FORMER SAINTS CHEERLEADER: We cannot speak to the players, anything past, "Good game" or "Hello" at an appearance or a game. And if we are in a restaurant and they come in, we have to leave the restaurant. If we are there first, we still have to leave.


GUTFELD: The injustice. So, if she is sitting in Applebee's and the punter walks in, it's sorry, miss, you will have to take those extreme fajitas to go. For a punter. He's not even a real player. He just kicks the ball. Stupid punter. Yes, punters, send me your letters. Her suit claims are these rules are gender discrimination and should be changed. The team says they are confident their workplace rules will expand legal scrutiny.

Meanwhile, in other NFL news, a dog is trying out for the Carolina Panthers.



GUTFELD: Subpar. Subpar. Kat, you are a member of the opposite sex. Is this discrimination or is this just common sense?

TIMPF: How is this common sense?

GUTFELD: I believe it could be, but you go ahead.

TIMPF: Being a cheerleader sounds like the worst job in the world.


TIMPF: Well, you've got to smile a lot.

GUTFELD: That's true.

TIMPF: You have to exercise, and your entire livelihood is cheering for a bunch of dudes who apparently you don't even know.

GUTFELD: Yes or they.

TIMPF: You don't even know - they don't even know these people. I thought the only reason that they were able to be so enthusiastic was because those were their friends.

GUTFELD: Yes, I know. It's like the separation of church and state, but with pom-poms.

OWENS: I feel like this is a really bad time to announce but I was a cheerleader all throughout high school.


OWENS: So, I am not going to announce that, but I will say this. And I am not going to take a side here, but I do want to say that I'm really tired of the theory of women agreeing to something and then going back on it.

Like was that not in the contract when she signed it? She agreed to it, which I think the rules are ridiculous and she shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place, but there seems to be this thing now where women can sign contracts and then just go, "Oh, never mind." I disagree with everything, like it's okay to.

So, you have to start taking responsibility and reading the contracts and understanding it. And that's my position on it. But she shouldn't.


TIMPF: That's insane.

OWENS: It's insane that she ever agreed to it is what is insane. In my opinion.

TIMPF: Did she really want to be a cheerleader?

GUTFELD: And this is the point, that Candace is making, it is if she didn't sign it, there would be a thousand women in line who would sign it. And Rob, I think this story hits on the science that the left denies. There's a biological attraction between sexes that is completely organic and it often overtakes the goals of a business. So, hence, it's not really discrimination. You're keeping men and women apart, so it doesn't create a problem on the field.

LONG: I guess, I don't really get it. This is news to me like if football players can't hang out with cheerleaders, what's the point of being a football player? Or a cheerleader? Right? Isn't that the whole point of this?

GUTFELD: Tyrus, okay, you're from New Orleans, you played football.

MURDOCH: Okay, I am from California. I live in New Orleans. I played football and I had to follow and adhere to these same rules and they are great rules, and I'll tell you why, because do you know how many lawsuits there would be?


MURDOCH: There be so many issues of inappropriateness. When you are a football player, certain levels, a lot of aggressiveness and stuff like that. These rules are in place and I know they are going to be upset, to protect the cheerleaders from being around a bunch of sweaty men who are butting heads and being aggressive and it stops us from walking over there, saying something inappropriate or treat them inappropriate or - maybe a married guy has an issue or whatever.

This is to protect the cheerleaders. They're separate. It's not something- that's not there for you, they're for the fans. And this rule has been in place for a lot of years and you don't have to accept it, you don't have to be a cheerleader for the sports organization, but that's across the board. It's like that.

Even in college, it was like that. It was frowned upon.

LONG: You know, Greg, didn't hear anything except sweaty men butting heads.


LONG: His brain turned off with that.

MURDOCH: That's the point. It goes back to what you were talking about. It is there for a very good reason.

GUTFELD: Okay, Thomas Sowell has a great new book out. I think it's called "Disparities and Discriminations" and he talked about in the previous century in the early 1900s, they segregated Irish Protestants and Irish Catholics because of the friction, the violence in order to maximize profits.

They didn't want these two groups fighting. So, it sounds like discrimination, but nobody noticed it because the pigment was the same. Then in factories, they separated men and women based on a similar reason, however, going back to insufficiency, but it wasn't about friction it was about fraternizing.

That if you have - if you keep - a clause is just saying, if you keep them separate, you get more work out of them. And that's a universal truth, right?

LONG: But the left isn't against that. The left is always enforcing codes like that. That's like the idea that you have a protected class, the women, the cheerleaders who need to be protected and have special rights and all of that stuff, so it isn't really a left or right issue. The actual you know puritans of today are not (inaudible), they are the left.


GUTFELD: That's a very good point and I am mad you know, as we must end this segment and move on to another one. Pot-infused beers on the way. Talk about a highlight. Am I right? Please fill me.

All right, what if we wrought infusing beer with pot? The guy who created the recipe for Blue Moon Beer is now working on a line of marijuana infused drinks that will be coming out this fall, but will only be available in Colorado. Tough break for you Oregon.

Anyway, the new beer will contain no alcohol. The pot-infused formula is supposed to get you to feel intoxicated without getting the actual hangover. Man, have we gotten soft? We can't handle hangovers anymore. So, we are now putting pot in everything including beer. I long for the good old days when beer was beer and pot was pot.

And that time I thought that shag rag was a delicious bed of Cheetos.



GUTFELD: We have all been there, little fellow. Rob, you and I in the green room, we got into an argument over this. You love infusing stuff with stuff.

LONG: Yes, I am - right now I am completely infused with gin. That's all I have.

GUTFELD: But it's pure gin.

LONG: Well, gin itself is vodka infused with like you know, herbs and botanicals. So, I'm like one of those meth - I am a turducken, but it's like me stuffed with gin, stuffed with juniper.

GUTFELD: Botanicals is just nice way of saying shrubs.

LONG: Listen, you could call it whatever you want, I think I will not get through this hour unless I was infused with gin, just so you know.

GUTFELD: I cannot see this, Tyrus. It just seems so.

MURDOCH: Is it too high?


MURDOCH: Bullying, I will come after you and your family. Who did it? Sorry about the short joke.

GUTFELD: All right, it's okay.

MURDOCH: Listen, Germany did a thing where they infused honey and marijuana. They had the bees pollinate, but it's honey, it's sweet and it's an organic edible, the first of its kind.

Beer by itself - isn't it when the first time you had a beer in your life, it's a horrible experience typically, they let you drink it and you're like, "Oh, this is terrible." And then you - as you grow older, you grow into it because beer is not actually a wonderful taste. If you have ever had a bad inhale on a pipe, not that I have, or a thing - you got marijuana in your mouth, it's not a good taste.

GUTFELD: No, it's terrible.

MURDOCH: This is probably going to taste - yes, I mean, allegedly. I am no scientist, but I will take an educated guess that this is probably going to taste terrible.

GUTFELD: Yes, it is. But I don't understand this, Candace. Why do we have to put pot into everything?

OWENS: I don't know, I feel like it's a personality trait to be honest with you that people just like to mix things all the time. Everyone becomes a chemist, but it's better than Port Loko, it's better than Tide Pods, so I get.

TIMPF: Nothing is better than Port Loko. Don't talk about Port Loko like that.

GUTFELD: And don't combine that with pods - what are those? What are they called? Tide pods?

TIMPF: Tide pods.

GUTFELD: I feel like an 80-year-old man. What are these Tide pods?

OWENS: Yes, that's what the kids are doing nowadays.

GUTFELD: Kat, this is what I worry about is getting rid of hangovers. If you get rid of hangovers, you ruin the human race because you have no stopgap to keep from drinking.

TIMPF: Right. It's the only reason I don't have 11 drinks every day.

GUTFELD: Exactly. When do you stop that?

TIMPF: Ten. Yes, I wouldn't - I just don't get it. I would not want a marijuana beer. I drink beer to relax not have a panic attack and like turn away all my family members and friends with talk of the Illuminati, so this is just not for me, but I guess, capitalism and legalization, I support both of those.


TIMPF: So, I kind of have to support it.

GUTFELD: Innovation. It is innovation.

LONG: But this is the same guy. This is a Blue Moon original. And he is the same guy who convinced all of these horrible you know, frat bros to take a slice of orange and put it in their beer too. So, this guy is already a war criminal as far as I am concerned.

GUTFELD: Can I elaborate on why hangovers are so important? Because we had Jordan Peterson on last week and I believe that the hangover is the perfect distillation of future consequences based on present behavior.

For example, we talked about two Greg's last week. If present Greg tonight cares about tomorrow Greg, then he will only have three wines instead of 13, to your point because you're actually - so you are two different people, today and tomorrow is two different people. Why would I want to torment future Greg? Present Greg should think about future Greg, and the only way you can do that is with a hangover, correct.

LONG: Hangovers is the punishment if the tax you pay for today's whatever, pleasure, although milk fizzle is really good by the way. Milk fizzle is like really, really good.

GUTFELD: Interesting. Well, I'll forget about that. Still to come, Sean Penn has written a book, technically.

GUTFELD: Like an noxious blast of in-flight diarrhea, actor Sean Penn released a novel. On Tuesday, titled, "Bob Honey, Who Just To Stop." That makes no sense. I mean that is just bad.

According to Penn, the book is a Trump-era satire. I'd love to read you some excerpts, but I just don't think I can do it justice. Luckily, I know a guy who can.


LOU DOBBS, ANCHOR, "LOU DOBBS TONIGHT": Page 99, while the privilege patronize this pickle as epithet to the epigenetic inequality of equals, Bob smells a cyber-assisted assault emboldened by right brain Hollywood narcissists.


GUTFELD: I cannot get enough. More.


DOBBS: Page 94, silly questions of cherry saved served to sever any last impression Bob might have had of Spurley as a serious citizen.


GUTFELD: One more please.


DOBBS: Page 125. There is pride to be had where the prejudicial is practiced with precision in the tranche and triage of tactile terminations.


GUTFELD: I think I could safely say that sucks. All right, Rob, what he was doing was a - he had a thesaurus and he was thinking that alliteration is clever. He is like a 14-year-old who just discovered that if you take words that start with the same consonant or a vowel, it's interesting to him.

LONG: Fourteen is a very generous number for you to pick. Lou knew that it wasn't just on the teleprompter. He is not just like he was doing the news there. Okay, yes, look, this is great, crazy stuff, but I love the idea that it is a Trump-era satire, which means, you know, the guy has been president for about a year, a little over a year, which means he must have- he's only spent a year - I mean, five more minutes as we say in the business.

Like when something comes out too soon, your first version of the joke, just five more minutes on that. Just put it in a drawer, write it and then put it in the drawer, and then take it out like a year later, six months later and then re-read it.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. But I don't think he can read.

LONG: Yes, well, that actually goes hand-in-hand with not being able to write.

GUTFELD: Yes, you first read then write. Kat, you are a published writer, you write for "National Review." Were you ever this bad even when you started?

TIMPF: No. I think that the name of this book should have been, "I have no one in my life who loves me." Because if he did, then they would not have allowed this to happen. If I ever try to write garbage like this, my father and my friends would lock me in my room and not allow me to come out until I either agree to say or agree to go to rehab or both.

GUTFELD: Candace, this is what happens when you get to something later in life, your arrogance is inversely proportional to your actual experience. Like with politics and with writing, what did you think of that?

OWENS: I just thought - he had a lot of marijuana beers in. He thought he could do it, and look, the title tells you enough, it's just - you can't even read it. There is nothing there. So.

GUTFELD: Dude, that is actually - the title suggests a severe problem, like.

TIMPF: Stop with the title. That's enough.

GUTFELD: Yes, because he probably had other choices.

TIMPF: Severe problem.

GUTFELD: He had a severe problem. I mean...


OWENS: Just do stuff.

GUTFELD: Yes, it doesn't mean anything, Tyrus. What is it mean to you?

MURDOCH: I mean, maybe that was the point. Maybe he was like, (inaudible) Sean Penn, I am going to write a book with words and they're going to buy it because I am Sean Penn. I mean, at this point I might grab a dictionary, rip the cover off of it and say, "Tyrus Says" and put it out kind of the same damn thing.

I mean, either that or he was drunk as hell, saw Shakespeare and was like, "I could do that."

GUTFELD: Yes. That's how Shakespeare started.

MURDOCH: Except that he literally.

GUTFELD: Somebody before Shakespeare. Yes, like, Chaucer.

LONG: Yes.

GUTFELD: Was he before Shakespeare?

LONG: He was before Shakespeare.

GUTFELD: He saw Chaucer and he said, "I could do that." And that's how Shakespeare started. And then he just followed that all the way through to like Edgar Allen Poe and Norman Lear.

LONG: That's your pantheon of Chaucer, Shakespeare, Edgar Allan Poe and Norman Lear.

GUTFELD: It made to no sense.

OWENS: Greg, if you are stuck in hell and you had to either read that cover to cover or you had to read, "What Happened" by Hillary Clinton cover to cover, which are you picking? It's a tough question.

GUTFELD: It is a tough question.

LONG: I know, it isn't really, "What Happened," because it's funnier.

GUTFELD: Yes, "What Happened."

LONG: It's actually a better satire.

GUTFELD: Her book could be "What Happened" and his book is "What Ate My Brain." Do we have one final reading from Lou? From the book?


DOBBS: Page 142. His dreams desert daylight diffusion dictated disturbance in the void of visual detail.


GUTFELD: He makes anything terrible sound wonderful including that dribble.

Don't go anywhere. Our final thoughts are next.

I will see you Monday on "The Five" at 5 p.m. Eastern. Final thoughts, Candace.

OWENS: Just thank you for having me and everybody can head over, I am finally verified on Twitter after a long and arduous battle. Head over to my Twitter @realcandaceo to see why they did not want to give me that checkmark.

GUTFELD: It's very entertaining. All right, Rob.

LONG: Happy Good Friday to everybody. Happy Easter when you probably watch this. If you want the best in podcasts for the (inaudible) go to

GUTFELD: Very good. Tyrus? What have you got? Don't you have something to plug? Aren't you like going to be beating up somebody this weekend?

MURDOCH: Yes. I am going to beat up Greg this weekend.

GUTFELD: Kat, final thoughts?

TIMPF: Instead of the Easter bunny, it should definitely be the Easter bearded dragon lizard.

GUTFELD: Do they lay eggs?

TIMPF: No, I don't know.

GUTFELD: Lizards lay eggs.

TIMPF: Yes, they do. Reptiles lays eggs.

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. You don't know anything about lizards. This is all a big lie.

TIMPF: That's because my dad wouldn't let me get one. You hear that, dad. I know you're watching Dad Timpf. I know you're watching.

GUTFELD: All right. Thank you, Candace Owens, Rob Long, Kat Timpf and Tyrus Murdoch. See you later. Love you, America.


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