THE FIVE

Trump White House looks to reset relationship with media

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," January 23, 2017. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: I am Kimberly Guilfoyle with Juan Williams, Eric Bolling, Dana Perino, Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City. And this is The Five.

The Trump White House held its first official press briefing today. Now, a lot of us didn't know what to expect after Press Secretary Sean Spicer dressed down the media on Saturday for alleged inaccurate reporting on inauguration crowds. Now, the press room was packed. Spicer immediately tried to keep the mood light with this joke.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEAN SPICER, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: I know that Josh Earnest was voted the most popular press secretary by the press corps. So, after reading -- checking my Twitter feed, I shot Josh an email last night letting him know he can rest easy, that his title is secure for at least the next few days.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: Well, that didn't ease the tensions. The mainstream media was chomping at the bit to challenge Spicer. He was happy to answer all of their questions though.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SPICER: It's an honor to do this. And yes, I believe we have to be honest with the American people. I think sometimes we can disagree with the facts. There are certain things that we may not fully understand when we come out, but our intention is never to lie to you, Jonathan. Our job is to make sure -- sometimes you're in the same boat. There are times when you guys tweet something out or write a story, and you publish a correction. That doesn't mean you were intentionally trying to deceive readers or the American people, does it?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you stand by your statement it was the most watched inaugural?

(CROSSTALK)

SPICER: Sure, it was the most watched inaugural. It's unquestionable. And I don't see any numbers that dispute that. When you add up attendance, viewership, total audience in terms of tablets, phones, on television, I would love to see any information that proves that otherwise.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: Spicer went on to express frustration with the media misreporting overall on President Trump.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SPICER: It is not just about the crowd size. There is this constant theme to undercut the enormous support that he has. And I think it's just unbelievably frustrating.

I think it's important, he's gone out there and defied the odds over and over and over again. And he keeps getting told what he can't by this narrative that is out there, and he sees it every single time. Over and over again, there is this constant attempt to undermine his credibility and the movement he represents. And it's frustrating for not just him, but I think so many of us are trying to work to get this message out.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: All right. We will go from one press secretary to a former press secretary. Dana, what do you make of that today?

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Well, I'm glad he opened with some humor. I think that was needed. I do think that the media was actually quite mild compared to what happened on Saturday night. What we saw today is actually the Sean Spicer I've known and admired for a long time, especially when you look at some of the answers he was giving on things like NAFTA and TPP. His knowledge is so deep on those issues because he was the spokesperson for the U.S. Trade Representative before.

GUILFOYLE: Right.

PERINO: So he has got all this background, so that main issue that was the first thing that President Trump did on his first day, Sean Spicer is steeped in that knowledge. And so, you can see how he will study, he will know the issues very well, and would be able to represent them. I do think when it comes to negative media attention, it's not new to Donald Trump. Conservatives I think have been dealing with this for a long time. President Obama would have said, well, he mostly complained about Fox News being negative. What's different from Obama and Trump that wasn't the case before is that because of social media, all of the criticism is amplified. And it is focused and it's so intense that it does feel like you are under more of a microscope. I do think on Saturday night, what Sean explained today, what he was trying to say about how many people watched the inauguration was not what he said on Saturday night, and not the pictures they were using, the complaints that they were making about the crowd shots. What he meant was what he said today, then that's why it drives people crazy sometimes, I'm careful with my words.

GUILFOYLE: Right.

PERINO: And I'm very precise about what I say. It is partly because it's like touching a hot stove. And once you touch a hot stove, it is like all right, you to be a lot more careful in the future. And I think that's what you saw today.

GUILFOYLE: All right. So overall, I think the general consensus is it went very well today. Bolling, what are your thoughts?

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: It was awesome. I thought Sean came back strong. He answered a lot of questions. And I found it very interesting that a lot of the questions were as Dana points out on crowd size and audience size.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: Did you say this and you standby this? Well, no, but they asked four or five times. Jonathan Carl went to it, and other people are asking along the lines of Jonathan Carl said, I thought some of those questions were a waste of opportunities. Sean answered the important questions on TPP. He nailed some of the questions that were asked on immigration. Those were some big questions on what President Trump is going to do about some of the immigration issues. He said we'll, I'm not going to jump in front of the president, we'll wait and see what is going to do. But I thought he was the Sean Spicer -- as Dana points out, the Sean Spicer we've known for a long time.

PERINO: Right.

BOLLING: That was it. The Saturday night, I'm not sure what was going on. I think that was more of a Trump administration.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: . laying down the law, showing who the alpha is going to be is in the room, and they wanted to make sure they were the elephant in the room. This was an information press briefing. I thought we got a lot of information.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: And also, I mean, I like the soup. I thought he looked good.

PERINO: He sure has taken questions on Saturday. Because he could have helped himself a lot, what he said today it was what he was trying to stay on Saturday night, he could've avoided 48 hours of hearing about how he wasn't telling the truth on Saturday night. That's what he meant.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: And take questions and he should be able to put it aside.

GUILFOYLE: Push back on that or not, because he also has to -- he serves at the pleasure of the president and has to do with the president would like him to do to represent him. So you have to find a balance like you talked about, Dana, in messaging and trying to decide, like looking forward to put new ideas and stories forward, so you are not on defense. So we will see. But today, it went very well. Juan, what do you think?

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: Well, I think today it just came across as almost normal, given what we saw over the weekend, which was ballistic. I've never seen anything like it and the idea that it looked like somebody says it looked like a hostage deal, it looked like he was sent out there under instructions from President Trump, go get them. And he went and got them. And what he did though was to put himself in a position where his role of White House press secretary is called into question, because -- and I like Sean Spicer. He's a friend. But I'm just telling you, when you come out and you say things that are not true, you put in question your integrity. And the integrity of the White House press secretary is his currency. That's what he's got the sell when he stands before the mic. He's got to slow down people who maybe going off on one candidate or another that is not to the administration's favor.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: The thing about crowd size?

BOLLING: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Are you kidding me?

BOLLING: Sean explained it today.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: As Dana said a minute to go, he is saying something a little different today than what he said on Saturday. It was so wild -- so wild that Kellyanne Conway on Sunday started a whole new thing about alternative facts. And people went crazy about the idea that she was using this term alternative facts. So what are we doing? It looks like to me like you have the Trump White House saying we hate the press. We know everybody else hates the press, everybody is mad with the press. So don't trust the press, trust us. Wow, that's a dangerous road for democracy.

GUILFOYLE: All right. Greg, take us down the road of democracy.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Well, OK. I think the phrase alternative fact is freaking people out, but it's not a new phenomenon. We've been living this duality of truth for decades. If you look at climate change, we are told that global warming, there's a 97 percent consensus, but that's based on the two-question survey. If you look at it, you can find that it isn't true. We've been told that shootings of unarmed black men have risen dramatically by white officers over the last couple of decades. No, it has declined. We've been told, in an entirely different realm, dietary cholesterol is deadly. We've been told trans fats are deadly. We've been told a high carb, low protein diet is healthy. We are finding out that all of these things have been untrue. And in fact, there are alternative facts. It's just that our society, both sides of the divide, seek out the facts that fit their worldview. So if you want to believe that that crowd was the biggest crowd where the audience, not the crowd but the audience, then you will believe that because you want to believe that. And Trump knows that. What I find interesting is let's say Donald Trump and Sean Spicer know what they are saying isn't true, so what's really going on? All of our responses become a test of our loyalty. So if you agree with them, you are loyal. If you disagree, you cannot be trusted. So I think in some ways, it's a test.

Now, having said that, I think that what Spicer did today was good. I wish he had done it on Saturday. This isn't about crowd size. It's about four decades of media bias since the Vietnam War. You have a president and his staff coming up and saying it's been like this forever. We are always getting crapped on by you guys. It stops now, we don't care, we're going to fight back every step of the way. Rather than arguing about the crowd size, argue about the constant decades of going after Republicans.

BOLLING: Can I ask you something?

GUTFELD: Sure.

BOLLING: Did President Obama bring down the unemployment rate?

WILLIAMS: Yes.

BOLLING: OK. Here's an alternative fact, OK, the reality is if you add the people who have given up looking for work, the unemployment rate actually hasn't budged a bit.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Hold on, let me respond to Eric. Let me respond to Eric.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: These are both facts.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Eric, not true. Not true, Eric.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: I have some thoughts for Greg. But let me just tell you, not true because guess what, nobody ever changed the way we gauge unemployment in this country. Unemployment rate was X and now Y. If you want to get into adding other things and other considerations, let's do it, but that's not the unemployment rate.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Nobody is playing with the unemployment rate.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: That's not true again. Mitt Romney said he would bring the unemployment rate down.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: OK.

BOLLING: You can play with numbers.

WILLIAMS: I'm not playing facts.

BOLLING: Right.

WILLIAMS: You want to switch away from a standard statistic, unemployment, because you don't like the result.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: The underemployment rate.

WILLIAMS: That is not unemployment.

PERINO: All right, guys.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: All right.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Another manic Monday.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: That's not the grass, Greg.

WILLIAMS: I mean, on climate change, I don't think there's much debate.

GUTFELD: Oh, I disagree.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I read the studies.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: How about the shooting of unarmed black man, you said by white cops.

GUTFELD: You know the study I'm talking about.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: But by police, the numbers have gone up.

GUTFELD: Oh, since 1970, they've gone down.

GUILFOYLE: That like 12 other blocks down, maybe next Tuesday.

WILLIAMS: OK. But my point is I agree with you that people so often take what they hear these days as proof because -- and they don't hear what someone else has to say.

GUTFELD: Right.

WILLIAMS: I think that is to me one of the great troubles, because it is so divisive. You can't have a conversation.

GUILFOYLE: Dana.

PERINO: But two reasonable people can look at something like the financial crisis of 2008 and they can say I think it's because the government and the Bush administration did not step in and save them. Others would say they couldn't step in because the cause was something else. Those are things you can talk about that and could come to different conclusions. When you are talking about how many people showed up to a certain event, that's not something you can look at and say, well, I think there's more people. If you are talking about the totality of people around the world, yes. But the number of people standing there in the moment, that's not something that is questionable, those are just facts.

GUILFOYLE: For example, we have three people in the audience that are friends of Dana watching our show today.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: But sometimes the best seat in your house is the one in your home, right. We have a huge amount of viewers. All right. President Trump taking action today to make our economy great again, signing new executive orders of the White House. He also revealed some of his plans to bring manufacturing to America, next on The Five.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BOLLING: A very busy Monday for President Trump, at the White House fulfilling promises he made on the campaign trail. He signed three executive orders. One to put a freeze on the hiring of federal workers outside of the military, another banning federal aid to any groups that provide abortions overseas. But the one making the biggest headlines today is the order pulling the U.S. out of the TPP, the Trans-Pacific Partnership trade deal. Executive order on NAFTA could be coming later, very shortly as well. So we will take a shot with this. Dana, the three we thought, we speculated on, TPP, I thought maybe immigration, as well, but TPP seems to be the one that's bubbling the biggest. But we knew that was coming.

PERINO: Yes, definitely. I think Hillary Clinton, had she won, would have done similar actions because everybody on the trail said it was dead from Bernie Sanders, to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. And I don't remember anyone else on the Republican side saying that. So, yes, I think that was likely to happen. The next one is the policy, that is where you don't allow American taxpayers that are going overseas and NGOs, nongovernmental organizations, that would counsel on family planning for abortions specifically. That doesn't mean you couldn't do contraception planning, but abortion in particular. George W. Bush had that in place as well as previous Republican presidents had. President Obama rescinded that on his first day in office. And Donald Trump has restored it for the pro-life community, which is going to have its march this Saturday, they will have something to be very happy about.

BOLLING: Your thoughts?

GUILFOYLE: Yeah, I think this was a very strong move and also very consistent. The one thing we've always said is he's going to do this, he has a movement across the country, he has to honor the promises that he made. And this, with a stroke of the pen, was indicative of his intention to keep that promise and to really focus on working families across this country that have seen so many lucrative manufacturing jobs travel and go overseas. Now, I think right now this is you know symbolic, it's a first step in the right direction in terms of what he intends.

BOLLING: Greg.

GUTFELD: I'm very skeptical of being happy over TPP going away because the left is happy. Socialists are thrilled because they thought it was going to harm the environment, because there was more trade. The translation, capitalism is bad

GUILFOYLE: Right.

GUTFELD: In any way that you can stop it. But I will say this, we live in a world right now where you need permits for lemonade stands.

GUILFOYLE: Literally.

GUTFELD: Exactly. It's refreshing to hear cutting regulations because America is about opportunities. And we often handcuff people, literally handcuff them, with regulations. Imagine how many young men and women would not be in jail over drug crimes, if they had easier opportunities to open businesses.

BOLLING: All right. Juan, I would let you do TPP or do you want to talk a little bit about these union leaders, the business leaders, then the union leaders, your thoughts?

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: Let's do this. President Trump, my gosh.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: President Trump kicked off the morning with a breakfast with business leaders from companies like Ford, Dell, and TESLA to talk about his agenda to improve the economy.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, U.S. PRESIDENT: What we want to do is bring manufacturing back to our country. That doesn't mean we don't trade because we do trade, but we want to make our products here. The advantages to companies that do indeed make their products here, what we are doing is we are going to be cutting taxes massively for both the middle class and for companies. We are going to be cutting regulation massively.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: The president also issued this warning.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TRUMP: The one thing I do have to warn you about, when you have a company here, you have a plant here, if you decide to close it and you know longer have a real reason because your taxes are going to be lower, but if that happens, we are going to be imposing a very major border tax on the product when it comes in, which I think is fair. I tell you, all you have to do is stay. Don't leave. Don't fire your people in the United States.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: And this afternoon, he also met separately with union leaders. It should be noted that the union leaders, there's a big press opportunity, a pool came in. And they showed union leaders applauding President Trump.

WILLIAMS: Right.

BOLLING: Big news, right?

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Business leaders applauding President Trump because he's the president, and you want to be on his good side. You certainly don't want his Twitter account going after you like he went after carrier, going after Nabisco or Ford. All of these leaders say look, this is the man in power for the next four years. We want an ally, a friend in the Oval Office. So this is politics at a bare minimum. Let's stop with the politics for a second, and just think about something like NAFTA. What we know about NAFTA is it has increased U.S. exports, increased them, Eric. So in other words, it is creating higher-paying jobs in the United States, doing well for American workers, but not necessarily for people who are without a college education, blue-collar workers. Some of those jobs have gone away and I think that Trump has picked up on the sentiment. And he is exactly right. Those people feel forgotten.

Let me also add with regard to the TPP that has now gone away, just now history, that is 40 percent of the global marketplace, Eric, 40 percent. What we are doing is saying oh, China, you go ahead and make your own deals in that part of the world. The United States, we will not have access to the rising middle class, the growing consumer population in that part of the world.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: Let me quickly respond. The deal with trade partnerships, especially when you are the country that we are, we're the biggest consumer in the world of all these goods, right.

GUILFOYLE: Uh-huh.

BOLLING: That is an asset. When you are doing these grand deals with many countries, you lose that opportunity to negotiate one-on-one. So if I were to come in the room and say hey, you guys, I want to make a deal with all of you.

WILLIAMS: Right.

BOLLING: I don't have a chance to deal with Kimberly directly, you directly. I can cut better deals dealing with each one of you directly because we are the consumer. We have the keys to the car. That's the difference.

WILLIAMS: Here's the difference though. If you do a deal like that, you may drive up cost for me the American consumer.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Other people are doing groups of nations, not just one at a time.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: What happened with the E.U. That's the problem. They don't want to repeat the same.

GUTFELD: Corporate tax cutting, regulations, awesome. Border tax, not awesome. The poor affords fewer goods if those goods go up. And the tariffs make the goods more expensive. And that hurts the poor, to put tax on the poor. I don't think killing the TPP addresses the reality of our economy. Protectionism only protects companies from the changing reality of the future. You've got to deal with the future, and protectionism is just a lie, but a lie.

BOLLING: But some would call a trade, a free trade agreement, protectionism. They would call it less than free. I mean, true free trade.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: Doing a deal bilaterally rather than Greg doing a deal with these people and Eric doing a deal with these people, you have to represent other people as well.

GUILFOYLE: Right.

BOLLING: I mean, the theory being if prices are going up, you are doing that deal as a consumer because you are keeping the jobs here. It actually grows the economy. Prices go up with the economy.

GUTFELD: The reason why economies have grown is because of free trade, because of globalism, not protectionism.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: Yeah. If I can't do the deal with you because you have a deal with someone else, that's not free-trade.

PERINO: That is one of the reason you have leverage with doing it with so many companies all at once, more complicated.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Increase our influence in Asian markets.

GUTFELD: The manipulation piece is the one that I think is the most serious part of it.

WILLIAMS: That is now history. I don't know how you're going to fix that. It's already been fixed.

BOLLING: All right.

GUILFOYLE: And who is the number one currency manipulator?

WILLIAMS: China.

GUILFOYLE: There you go.

BOLLING: China.

GUILFOYLE: Ding, ding, ding. You win a prize.

BOLLING: All right. U.S. immigration is the next order of business for President Trump. That's next on The Five.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: Welcome back. As we just mentioned, President Trump signed three executive orders today, including one to withdraw from TPP, a deal that former President Obama helped negotiate. Mr. Trump could also use his executive power this week to make changes to the Obama administration's immigration policy. The president may act on his own to deport more illegals, jump start the border wall or perhaps restrict immigration from Syria. So, apparently, Eric, the president does have wide discretion in accepting refugees. So it is possible that you could see him make a decision this week about rejecting refugees from Syria and other Muslim nations by the end of the week.

BOLLING: Yeah. I think Sean Spicer said he didn't want to jump in front of the president. Dana, can I talk a little bit about the regulations you mentioned a little? So President Trump has vowed to roll back regulations. I think is going to dismantle the EPA.

But the Office of Management and Budgets today estimated that 9.8 billion man hours are required just to comply with federal paperwork -- federal paperwork alone, and it costs somewhere between 20 and $30,000 per employee for businesses, and small businesses even more.

So I think what you're seeing is Donald Trump hitting the things that, A, he promised, executive orders on trade; but also this rolling back of regulation. I think that's going to be really good.

One other point: A lot of people are wondering how the actual Donald Trump presidency was going to relate to what the promises of the campaign were. Well, the markets have responded positively. We find out that between election day and the inauguration day, Donald Trump has had the most positive market reaction since 1928 and the second most positive in 115 years. Smooth. Smooth transition.

PERINO: OK. I was talking about immigration. We went off -- you know what it's like? The People's Choice Awards. You can talk about whatever you want.

BOLLING: "The Five."

GUILFOYLE: The people choose immigration.

PERINO: OK.

GUILFOYLE: All right. So I think that he really does not need to make any new laws or more restrictive laws as it relates to immigration. I say this as a prosecutor who worked in a sanctuary city.

Simply, he needs to let, if he's -- you know, Sessions go in, do his job. Let General Kelly do his job in homeland security and let them enforce, instruct to enforce the laws that exist on the books right now.

And I think that you will see already, without enforcing and these lack of other, like, prosecutorial memos that, like, Holder had put forward, et cetera, where people weren't being prosecuted for violating these. It was a revolving door for re-offenders and recidivists.

Knock it off. Shut it down. Follow and enforce the laws on the books; that's all he has to do.

PERINO: Juan, right now President Trump is leading with congressional leaders. So a bipartisan meeting on Capitol Hill. I assume they'll probably be talking about this. Immigration, not only will he do some things by executive order, but I imagine they'll also talk about possible things that need legislative attention, like E-Verify and things like that.

WILLIAMS: He'll get a lot of support on that. I think the people who, in fact, like the idea of keeping our, you know, country open to refugees from Syria, let's say, which would -- is something contrary to what President Trump has said. Those people believe in E-Verify. They think, in fact, that it's because employers oftentimes want cheap labor and are willing to play with the rules that you have a constant stream of people coming, seeking -- knowing they can find work without going through the proper protocol to be here.

So I think those people would say it's a good idea. They don't see that is punishing people who have high aspirations and struggle to get to this country. But in fact, cracking down on the sort of, you know, big owners and wealthy people who have been taking advantage of cheap labor.

Let me just add in there very quickly that I think that, if you are talking about sanctuary cities, this is going to be a fight, because I think we have now most of the mayors of, I would say easily our 50 biggest cities saying they're going to hold onto it.

GUILFOYLE: Well, then they're going to lose their funding.

WILLIAMS: No, they're not going to lose all funding, because some of it...

GUILFOYLE: They can handle all the problems of being besieged by people if they want to, in fact, go ahead and not enforce the laws and act on their own. They're going to have to suffer the consequences.

WILLIAMS: Well, I think you can't do that under law, but there are certain areas where you can be punished. But I think it starts an unnecessary fight. But we'll see.

PERINO: Well, President Obama's pen may have been filled with invisible ink, Greg, because I think what we're finding is you're able to actually roll back a lot of things, even on the first day.

GUTFELD: Well, first, I want to just say it's a good point. But we've got to be really careful. We're on our third block of Trump, and I'm feeling a Trump overdose. I think we need to pace ourselves.

GUILFOYLE: You need a "Facebook Friday" on Monday?

PERINO: You mean the last 18 months didn't do it for you?

GUTFELD: We're like Michael Moore at a free buffet. We're just overdosing on Trump, stuffing our faces with Trump. What you're saying is, what I hope...

GUILFOYLE: Today is National Pie Day. I'll be doing that later.

GUTFELD: Excellent. Your "Food Court" will be full of pie.

All right.

WILLIAMS: Can I...

GUTFELD: As a conservative, I hope that whatever Trump does is the opposite of an imposition. Because the left has been about, like, a positive injunction demanding you change your behavior, like that's Obamacare. Forcing you -- that's coercion -- to go and buy something. That's what Obamacare is.

The right, ideally, what the right used to be and what I hope the right will someday become, is to -- how to live your life more freely. So it's not about making more laws. It's about making it so that you can live your own life without imposing it on other people. And I'm kind of hoping that's the direction that he goes.

And a true sanctuary city is a safe city, so just enforce the laws.

PERINO: There you go. Easily said. Easily done?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Not so up.

Up next, the cast of "SNL" keeping their politics close to their vest, as always. This time with a love song for President Obama. Greg may sing it for you...

GUTFELD: No.

PERINO: ... if you stick around.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Normally "Saturday Night Live" is about as entertaining as an ocular migraine. But last week's, I have to admit, contained something absolutely hilarious. They sang "To Sir, With Love" in honor of President Obama:

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CECILY STRONG, "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" CAST MEMBER (SINGING): A friend who taught me right from wrong...

SASHEER ZAMATA, "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" CAST MEMBER (SINGING): ... and weak from strong.

STRONG: That's a lot to learn.

STRONG AND ZAMATA: But, what can I give you in return?

If you wanted the moon, I would try to make a start, but I would rather you let me give my heart. To sir, with love.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: I want to get my life back.

GUTFELD: Wow.

GUILFOYLE: That was brutal.

GUTFELD: Brilliant. This was brilliant. To satirize the blind love of the obedient entertainment world with a sappy love song dedicated to their fearless progressive cult leader. And they played it straight, unloading a syrupy Valentine that could rot your teeth at 10 paces.

This had to be an attempt to mock Hollywood's docile conformity, comparing them to all those terrified entertainers, forced to pay tribute to tyrants in hellholes like Khadafy's Libya and present-day North Korea. It might be the greatest joke "Saturday Night Live" ever made -- unless they were serious.

If they were, then we really are living in a polarized world of competing tribes. Just when you're exasperated over Trump's relentless fanboys, you are reminded of these groupies. And it's a wash.

You also realize that, while division and hate is scary, it's never as creepy as sickening love. Something to keep in mind, whether you adore Obama or Trump: Drooling toadyism is not a good look on either side and it paves the way for evil. Because while hate can drive people to do many things, love permits leaders to do all things -- none of them good.

That creeped me -- it did feel like you were watching some kind of cult video.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, it was. It was super, super creepy. I'm going to put that up, No. 1 spot, exceeding all the other horror films that frightened me like Freddy Krueger and, like, Jason and, like, Chuckie doll.

And by the way, it wasn't even entertaining or good. I don't know if you liked it and you're weird like...

GUTFELD: They were a bit off-key.

GUILFOYLE: Reverse -- yes, I don't know. I just thought it was really creepy. And it looked kind of like they were worshiping him, like he's some, like, I don't even know. Like, the picture was even kind of, like, creepy.

GUTFELD: Juan, could this happen in four or eight years with Donald Trump? Could there be, like, you know, tributes?

WILLIAMS: You mean -- I don't know if Eric can sing.

BOLLING: I'd just like to...

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: He can rap.

WILLIAMS: He can rap.

GUTFELD: I'm against a border tax to make Mexico pay for the wall. I think there are other ways of doing it, just to clarify. Along the lines of your monologue.

GUILFOYLE: Way to draw the line. Bold step.

GUTFELD: That wasn't about you.

BOLLING: OK.

WILLIAMS: You know, I just thought it was over the line. You know, but I think part of it was.

GUILFOYLE: They're like the new Obama girls.

WILLIAMS: Yes, I don't know what -- to me, though, I think this was -- this was a shot at Trump, because I think it was saying, "Oh, my gosh. What a difference between having Obama's White House and the kind of, you know, restraint or whatever..."

GUILFOYLE: Where'd you get that?

BOLLING: Restraint?

GUILFOYLE: That was a giant leap. I hope you've got a parachute for that one.

WILLIAMS: Really.

GUILFOYLE: There goes Juan.

WILLIAMS: I don't have to have -- I don't have to have a parachute after Saturday. Let me just say, anytime the president goes over to the CIA and starts saying, "Oh, you know, this was just made up by the media."

GUILFOYLE: Here we go.

WILLIAMS: "I never called you Nazis." You think, "What?"

GUILFOYLE: Tangent alert.

WILLIAMS: "Get the last guy back here."

GUILFOYLE: Tangent alert.

WILLIAMS: "Bring him back."

GUTFELD: Whatever happened to speaking truth to power? You're a comedy show. But I guess...

BOLLING: No, no, they're liberal. Liberal comedy show.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BOLLING: They'll speak truth to power with Trump. By the way, where was Alec Baldwin's Trump?

GUTFELD: Next week, I guess.

BOLLING: "Puty" was pretty good, though.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BOLLING: He was good.

PERINO: I thought that -- I think the guy should have worn a shirt.

GUILFOYLE: Dana does not like that.

PERINO: Not indoors.

GUILFOYLE: He would never be invited to Dana's House for brisket again. Only Greg was.

GUTFELD: All right. Madonna told the world this weekend. What?

PERINO: Nothing.

GUTFELD: Wait. I thought you...

PERINO: I didn't even get to comment.

GUTFELD: Oh, comment.

GUILFOYLE: Reverse it.

PERINO: Good.

GUTFELD: Go ahead.

PERINO: Well, I was going to make a point about The New York Times of late.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: So you had the arts section writing a big feature piece saying we have never had a president like President Obama who was so in tuned with the arts.

Then you had this big feature about all the books...

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: ... and how President Obama soothes himself with books in the White House.

George W. Bush definitely read as many, if not more, books than that; and they would have never done such a feature.

So the media that is having this, I guess, reawakening of -- that they need to be tough on power.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: I mean, it's welcome, but they haven't been shining themselves in glory.

GUTFELD: That's true.

PERINO: Shining? Clothing themselves in glory?

GUTFELD: It doesn't matter, because I'm going to tease now.

GUILFOYLE: Turned another page in the "Great Point Journal."

PERINO: Yes. I need a better grammar journal.

GUTFELD: All right. Madonna told the world this weekend she's thought about blowing up the Trump White House. That blew up in her face. Oh, Greg, resist the joke. Now, she says we all misunderstood her. Next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MADONNA, SINGER: Yes, I'm angry. Yes, I am outraged. Yes, I have thought an awful lot about blowing up the White House. But I know that this won't change anything.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: (YAWNING)

WILLIAMS: That was Madonna over the weekend, doing what she does...

GUILFOYLE: Greg.

WILLIAMS: ... expressing herself.

GUILFOYLE: That was Greg.

WILLIAMS: She was fired up at the Women's March in Washington on Saturday.

Now there are unconfirmed reports her talk about blowing up the White House might have gotten the attention of the Secret Service. So we called the agency today; they wouldn't comment.

The singer is trying to walk back the inflammatory remark, however, posting on Instagram, quote, "I'm a nonviolent person. I do not promote violence, and it's important people hear and understand my speech in its entirety rather than one phrase taken wildly out of context. My speech began with" -- and here, she's quoting herself -- "'I want to start a revolution of love. I know than acting out of anger doesn't solve anything.'"

So Greg, what do you think?

GUTFELD: I think that she should be arrested and put away for life.

WILLIAMS: Manacles.

GUTFELD: And then maybe Trump can pardon her like Chelsea Manning.

Look, you know, if just 5 percent of those who marched this weekend and -- went and protested at the embassies of the countries who abuse women and gays, countries that actually support...

GUILFOYLE: Sharia Law.

GUTFELD: If they had gone to those embassies of countries that supported Hillary Clinton, I would say that's amazing. But they -- right now, they're marching for equal rights in western countries.

GUILFOYLE: That they have already.

GUTFELD: Fight a real battle.

WILLIAMS: But Dana, the turnout was huge.

GUILFOYLE: He's spitting mad.

WILLIAMS: I'm wondering what you made of it. Why such a huge turnout? And what do you make of the fact that it wasn't only in Washington but around the country? And in fact in, you know, several cities around the world.

PERINO: Well, I do think it's quite remarkable, the grassroots nature of it. It reminded me of the Tea Party and how that grew without any sort of central leadership.

And in fact, I think the Democratic -- the Democrats want to take over the DNC or that want to be in the lead or want to try to harness this energy missed the boat this weekend, because you didn't have them there at any of these marches. In fact, they were at a big donor conference in Florida. So they missed that opportunity, I think.

GUTFELD: That's a donor boner.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, no.

GUTFELD: What?

GUILFOYLE: Not a good one.

GUTFELD: It's a donor boner. It's a mistake.

GUILFOYLE: I want my face off the screen.

PERINO: OK. I think I'm done.

WILLIAMS: All right, Eric...

GUILFOYLE: Let me off.

WILLIAMS: ... do you think that this can translate into real action, or is it just a huge protest against Trump?

GUILFOYLE: ... me every time.

BOLLING: I think this is a grassroots protest, not unlike what Occupy was, but Occupy fizzled. If there's a way they can organize and stay together, they have some real firepower there.

But going back to Madonna, I do think she should be in trouble. I do think she should be investigated by -- you know, under the Terror Act, because if a Muslim man said that, we would be up in arms at this table. I certainly would be, saying he should be arrested for saying something like that. So if that's the standard, I would be the first one calling for that. I'm going to call for that with Madonna.

GUTFELD: Because she's a white woman.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: Words matter. And young people are watching all these people, and young people heard her say that. You tell me she didn't affect some young people with that comment? Of course she did.

GUILFOYLE: Just, I mean, you don't say that.

WILLIAMS: Let me ask you about the hats. Because that was the hallmark of the march. With these hats with the -- yes.

GUTFELD: Next question.

GUILFOYLE: Please. Pie. Pie is next. I like pink, but I like pie. Let's go.

WILLIAMS: Well, did you like -- did you like the hat look? You didn't like the hats? All right.

PERINO: Great hat.

WILLIAMS: She didn't like the hats. "One More Thing" up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUILFOYLE: Time now for "One More Thing" -- Juan.

WILLIAMS: Well, kind of damp, cold weather. They're predicting a big storm here in New York for today and the rest of the week.

But I want you to know that our newest weather satellite, the Go-S-16, is changing the way that Americans can predict the weather. Check out these new earth images from the satellite. They have four times the resolution of our existing satellite, which was launched just 10 years ago. The new satellite can provide full images of the earth now every 15 minutes.

But here's the coolest thing. A new feature on global lightning mapper, which you can see here. We're going to speed it up for you. It scans severe weather areas of the earth every 30 seconds. Current weather radar can't do it in less than 6 minutes. This is going to help with early warnings for lightning, ground strikes, storms. It's going to help aircraft over the ocean, and of course going to help us predict where the weather is going to get severe. Just great work by -- great work by NASA.

GUILFOYLE: Do you like the Weather Channel?

WILLIAMS: I like that stuff.

GUILFOYLE: I love that. Greg.

GUTFELD: All right. It's time for...

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Greg's Commuter News.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, if you're driving.

GUILFOYLE: You don't even drive.

GUTFELD: I know. But let's not get into that. When you're driving -- let's roll this. Make sure, if you have your sea lion, that you don't put your sea lion on -- you don't pull a Romney. Don't put it on the car -- roof of your car. Because if you make a sharp turn, sea lion Ted is going to roll off, and it will be terrible.

By the way, did you know that there are carpool lanes for cars for sea lions?

GUILFOYLE: You're making all this up.

GUTFELD: No, I'm lying. I'm lying about the lion.

GUILFOYLE: You must have been real impressed.

GUTFELD: Hey, I didn't pick it.

GUILFOYLE: Way to be participatory.

GUTFELD: I tried. It was a cute video.

PERINO: Well, in case you missed it, there was an update today from Texas and Houston on George W.W. Bush and Barbara Bush. Both still in the hospital but doing better. And you saw a photograph that was released. That's a stock photo. We have the photograph that was released. They wanted to thank all the Americans and people around the world that were praying for them. The doctors said that they are remarkable, not your typical 91- and 92-year-olds. They're very strong people. And they have been each other's therapy after 72 years of marriage.

BOLLING: And they celebrated 72 years of marriage over the weekend. Right?

PERINO: Yes.

BOLLING: That's fantastic.

GUTFELD: Gee whiz.

BOLLING: That's absolutely fantastic.

PERINO: You've got a long way to go, Greg.

GUTFELD: Ain't going to make it.

GUILFOYLE: All right.

GUTFELD: I'm not going to live that long.

BOLLING: Hey, hey, hey.

So finally, Greg, I got those pictures developed.

GUILFOYLE: From Walgreens.

BOLLING: I got them back from Walgreens. After all that time. This was amazing. This was at the Liberty Inaugural Ball. That's the tall wall at the ball. Fantastic when you walk in.

GUILFOYLE: Look at the line, though. Long line.

BOLLING: I know there was a line. Here we are with Kellyanne Conway. She was mingling in the crowd. It was fantastic.

GUILFOYLE: That was her birthday.

BOLLING: It was her birthday. We had a bunch of fun.

And there is A.G.-elect [SIC] Jeff Sessions, who also hung out with us for a little bit. And long line around him, too.

And then there he is, the director of possibilities, D.C. version.

GUILFOYLE: Man crush.

BOLLING: Birds (ph). If you need to figure out how to get anywhere in D.C., there's the guy.

GUILFOYLE: Probably in the world. He did it in Florida.

BOLLING: He's good.

GUILFOYLE: And Ohio.

BOLLING: He's good.

GUILFOYLE: He was looking good. He looks pretty happy.

All right. So now it's time for me. Time for...

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: Kimberly's Food Court

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: All right. It is Emmy Award winning. No, but in my mind it is.

So Dana gave me this today. It was very good; kind of her to think about me. Food is dear to my heart. National Pie Day is celebrated every January 23. So indeed, we would be remiss if we skipped this opportunity. And apparently, nobody wants to eat this delicious pie but me and I think Juan, who asked if he could take it home with him. Not too sure...

WILLIAMS: Yes.

GUILFOYLE: ... what's going on with that, but...

GUTFELD: What kind of pie is it, Kimberly?

GUILFOYLE: But did you know -- it's apple pie.

BOLLING: American pie.

GUILFOYLE: Did you know that pies have a long history dating back to 1300 B.C.?

GUTFELD: Yes. You can put it in your pocket.

GUILFOYLE: And Dana likes a good marching band. I like a good pie. A good shepherd's pie, a good chicken pot pie.

PERINO: What kind is that in there? Apple?

GUILFOYLE: Yes. This is apple, which I really love.

PERINO: It's really got a beautiful top.

GUILFOYLE: And I think, like, the little peach ones are good.

BOLLING: Where did that come from?

GUILFOYLE: Red Flame Bakery.

And it's...

WILLIAMS: No, it's not a bakery, it's a restaurant.

GUILFOYLE: Restaurant?

That's it for us. "Special Report" next. Bye.

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