This is a rush transcript from "The Five," January 16, 2017. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I am Dana Perino along with Kimberly Guilfoyle, Eric Bolling, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City. And this is "The Five."
PERINO: What could be happening? Oh.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Are you kidding me?
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Good to see you, buddy.
PERINO: Hey, we have a seat just for you.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Let me get my ties straight. Did you notice that?
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: I know. I don't know what's going on.
PERINO: How much weight have you lost?
GUILFOYLE: Yeah, you're looking good.
BECKEL: I lost 35 pounds.
PERINO: How did you do that?
GUTFELD: I don't want to know.
GUILFOYLE: Private trainer?
GUTFELD: Say you had a trainer.
PERINO: Bob, it's like you never left. How are you?
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Congratulations. Welcome back.
BECKEL: Thank you very much. I should say congratulations to you, but I can't.
PERINO: You don't skip a beat.
BECKEL: I will tell you something. I woke up. I had three back operations. I wake up out of the fog, you know. They give you anesthesia. And I had this horrible dream that Donald Trump got elected.
BECKEL: And then I woke up and I said, it's true.
BOLLING: I brought something for you on that note.
BOLLING: We can put this on the break. We will put it on your suspenders.
BECKEL: Yeah. That's fine.
GUILFOYLE: We brought you back just to rub that in.
BECKEL: That was what I was worried about.
BECKEL: They wanted a Spanish-Irish person to be press secretary.
BECKEL: And they've done a great job so far, I think. You know, for example, I woke up this morning and I said to myself, for 50 years, they've been trying to get peace in the Middle East.
BECKEL: And nobody could do it, Henry Kissinger, nobody. But Jared, the son-in-law, he's now going to do it.
PERINO: Hope and change.
BECKEL: Well, I mean, it couldn't be worse than the last eight, that's for sure.
GUILFOYLE: Can we like ease back into this relationship?
GUTFELD: You must be very happy Trump is in. You have a worthy opponent.
BECKEL: Are you kidding me? It's going to be just great.
PERINO: Did you miss us?
PERINO: Did you miss us?
BECKEL: Oh, I missed you a lot. I mean, I tell you, I really do. And I missed the audience, too. Let me just say one thing, I don't get too serious, but I got thousands of letters and other things from people out there. I've got to thank you. Most of you right wingers who said you were right wingers and you wished me well, and you liked me. And I appreciate it very much. And I miss you very, very much. Now that I have mumbled enough, let's get back to it.
GUILFOYLE: The family, kids are good?
BECKEL: Kids are good. My daughter is in Italy for her junior semester.
BECKEL: semester abroad, which I've got to pay the bill for on February 1st.
GUTFELD: That's why your back.
BOLLING: You have until February 5th. You know how I know?
BECKEL: I don't know.
BOLLING: My son goes to the same school.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my goodness. How interesting.
BECKEL: I needed a job, so I figured I would come back and get paid. And then, my son, actually, believe it or not, started this little thing. You know this dance music stuff, they do it at these clubs. I can't stand it.
GUILFOYLE: Like techno music.
BECKEL: You can't hear yourself talk, you know. But I tell you, he started on this thing four years ago as kind of a junior guy at a management company for those guys, and he's now got a big job.
GUTFELD: That's good.
GUILFOYLE: Well, congratulations. I'm very happy for both of your children.
PERINO: We have a little something that we put together for you that we thought you might want to see and the audience might want to see. We shouldn't mention that Juan Williams, who's been a part of The Five from the beginning, will continue to be. And so, we are going to welcome bob back to the seat today and for many future days in the future, several times a week, I understand.
PERINO: You will continue to see Juan here and of course on shows where his intellect will be appreciated, like on Special Report.
GUILFOYLE: Yes, on a real show.
BECKEL: I don't have any intellect?
GUILFOYLE: We are saying that you are perfect.
BECKEL: Juan said, how do you do it? How do you do it? I said it is very simple. First of all, if you can't win the argument, you change the topic. And then you say why didn't Eric invite us to the beach house? Remember that?
GUILFOYLE: Yeah. That was a good one.
BECKEL: That was a good one.
GUILFOYLE: And we are still waiting.
BECKEL: Me, too.
BECKEL: It's amazing.
BECKEL: And then, the other thing is that you've got to laugh a lot. You've got to have a sense of humor. Juan's biggest setback is that he's smart.
BOLLING: What are you trying to say?
BECKEL: I was on a football scholarship because I had an affair with the French teacher.
PERINO: Were you upset you weren't here for this whole thing?
BECKEL: Greg, it just broke my heart. I mean, the whole thought of it.
GUILFOYLE: Were you screaming at the television when you watched us?
BECKEL: The television wasn't working anymore because as soon as Wisconsin went, that was the end of it. You know, actually, I was looking at something, a county in North Carolina, seriously. It's a little county. I know North Carolina real well. I've done a lot of work down there. It is called Cherokee County. And normally, it is 55, 45 Republican. And I put the thing on. It is 85-15 for Trump. I said, wait a minute. So I started to check all the rural counties. And I realized he was winning so big in those counties, it didn't matter what she did in the cities. So it was.
PERINO: Before we talk politics, would you like to watch a little something, a little trip down memory lane?
GUILFOYLE: Memory lane, Bobby.
BECKEL: I guess.
PERINO: Here is a look back at Bob Beckel on The Five. We look forward to a lot more of this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BECKEL: He had more bankruptcies than anybody else. I happen to think Donald Trump actually is a nice guy, but why we give this attention to this guy? Could you do a serious analysis of Donald Trump running for president and keep a straight face?
DONALD TRUMP, U.S. PRESIDENT: Bob has gotten nicer over the last month or two.
BECKEL: I'm only kidding. You're a developer, you do a lot of things, your a TV talent, what you ain't, Donald, is a politician. Mr. Trump, you are full of another word for dog food.
As much as I love the thought of having another Trump discussion, are you kidding? An eight grade running for class president saying he is cut all our homework out.
I want to talk about my old buddy, Donald Trump, who is a political extraordinaire.
Donald has decided he is seriously considering running in 2016. I have a candidate already. And that is Teddy Cruz. I have an idea. Here is the perfect ticket for the Republicans, Cruz-Trump.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PERINO: What do you think of Ted Cruz for Supreme Court?
BECKEL: I think it's a great idea.
BECKEL: No, remember, this is the only thing the Democrats have any control over. You need 60 votes to get a Supreme Court nominee. And Teddy Cruz would not get a single Democrat vote. I'm not sure he would get the Republican votes. But you know, the one thing you guys missed about me not being here.
BECKEL: You want to know what it was.
GUILFOYLE: What was it?
BECKEL: It was November 1st.
BECKEL: That is when I've predicted Donald Trump is going to be elected president.
PERINO: Oh, that's not true.
BOLLING: We can put in a montage.
PERINO: Less than 1 percent chance.
BECKEL: I don't care.
BOLLING: There is a thing called the internet where we can say, what you say elsewhere.
BECKEL: Yeah, I understand that.
PERINO: Bob, what do you make of the Democrats who have said they are not going to go to the inauguration?
BECKEL: Well, you know, there are a few Republicans who didn't go to Obama's inauguration, but not like this. This is organized. You've got to understand on a very serious note how angry the people who voted against Trump are. I mean, there's an anti-Trump wave coming. And I've been in a couple of meetings. As a matter of fact, I went to a meeting with a group of progressive people, and they're not all a bunch of progressives in Black Lives Matter. These are 66 million people out there. A percentage of them are angry and they are getting angrier. That's the word for it. But I went to a meeting. Someone said what do you think we should do? I said anything legal is fine with me, but don't interrupt the inaugural. Give the guy a day. I got booted out of the room.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my goodness.
BECKEL: You just have to understand, when you come from my side of the aisle, how much people can't stand this guy. I don't include myself.
GUTFELD: He hasn't done anything yet.
BOLLING: You know he is going to give 60 thousand jobs pledged to stay in America.
BECKEL: . have decided -- 53,000 decided before he got elected. Leaving that aside, I think look, this guy can tweet and makes news everywhere. I want to see the tweets turn into policy. But this morning I found out that a guy who lives down the street from me, he is a paraplegic. He has pre- existing conditions, obviously. He's got diabetes. He's very sick. And Trump says don't worry. I'm going to cover you. Now, if he covers this guy, then I'm not saying I will be a Trump guy.
BOLLING: For being a Trump guy.
BECKEL: No. Please.
GUILFOYLE: Bob is back. What can I tell you?
GUILFOYLE: No. You know, you got to leave the door open. You got to give him a chance.
GUILFOYLE: What have you got to lose?
BECKEL: Who was surprised? Gregory.
GUTFELD: Yeah, I was pretty shocked. I think what I said on Twitter probably summarized how I felt. The first word began with the H and the second word began with S. And it rhymes with pit. That's how I felt.
GUTFELD: I was curious. How was the green room food at CNN compared to ours?
GUILFOYLE: Pretty good, isn't it?
BECKEL: You know, I was told not to mention CNN. So, thanks, Greg.
BECKEL: Putting me in a box like that.
BECKEL: I appreciated my opportunity but when someone says to me, in an argument, you know how you and I argue, we hit each other, one day.
BECKEL: We will get to that later. But, there, somebody said to me I hate to disagree with my esteemed colleague. And I said you are what?
GUTFELD: I feel asleep during a Don Lemon segment. I remember that.
GUTFELD: They came to you and you are like this. And I go like the rest of America.
GUILFOYLE: He did that here one time, too. I was like, wait a second. We tossed to Shepherd? Wait, we can do it here. I was like there you go.
BOLLING: You know what you did miss?
BOLLING: We spent two, three weeks on the bus. Road trip.
GUILFOYLE: Really only one week on a bus.
BOLLING: You would have had a great time.
GUILFOYLE: He wouldn't have wanted to do that, kiss the pig contest.
GUILFOYLE: I already did that one time on New Year's Eve.
GUILFOYLE: All right, stay right there.
BECKEL: Wait a second. I was just going to say. You could do a great job New Year's Eve. I'm taking it back.
PERINO: Stay right there, more catching up with Bob to do. And later, make sure to join us on a fun trip down Beckel Lane. Don't go away.
GUTFELD: Beckel Lane.
BECKEL: Still dance, woman.
GUILFOYLE: You still got the moves. Welcome back. Big daddy's back, too. There is someone sitting to my left that you just might recognize, it is Bob Beckel. And you are going to be seeing a lot more of him. He is returning to The Five. Today is his first day back. And we are so thrilled and excited that he's back with us again. Welcome, Bob. What do you think? What were you doing this whole time?
BECKEL: Well, I missed New Year's Eve with you.
BECKEL: But I tell you, I don't know if you can go back to the first day, but we were all a little bit scared. We didn't know how this was going to work. It was a 5 o'clock block and nobody was going to watch, blah, blah, blah, blah. But from the beginning, it felt comfortable, you know. That's the thing I discovered about this. I missed it in other places, not just the other network. There was another place I did work. You know, if you don't work with people and you don't have that chemistry, it's very, very difficult to do. And I particularly like the fact that I talk to so many conservatives out there. They hate me and I love them. No, they are very nice.
PERINO: They love-hate you.
PERINO: That's a big reason why the Democrats lost, it is because they weren't talking to people outside their own bubble. Even President Obama says that.
BECKEL: That's true. The first -- excuse me, the article I wrote after the election was, I never analyzed the campaign more than I analyzed this one. And I never got one more wrong.
BOLLING: Was it 49 states?
BECKEL: Will you just wait?
BECKEL: Ever since you heard about this, you've been waiting with your line.
BOLLING: Can we explain to the audience exactly what this was all about? Almost six years ago, so there was an opening, Glenn Beck decided to go. He went earlier than you'd thought he was going to go. And so, they have the 5 o'clock slot that they had to figure out. And they grabbed this cable from the back somewhere.
GUILFOYLE: And spray painted it.
BOLLING: They grabbed five chairs and put these same five chairs around this table.
BOLLING: But the point was that the chemistry mattered more than the studio, than the camera, than the chairs and the table. The chemistry, we had it from the very beginning. That's why we are sitting here you know almost six years later.
GUILFOYLE: Getting the band back together again.
GUTFELD: Yeah, the original Becky from Roseanne. Remember, the original Becky left and then they have a new Becky come in.
GUTFELD: And then the original Becky came in and -- I think her name was Lissi (ph). And then she went to college and then she came back.
GUTFELD: You are our Becky.
BECKEL: You know.
BECKEL: Only you would know that. And I appreciate that. I don't know what you are talking about, but I appreciate it.
GUTFELD: You are David Lee Roth.
GUILFOYLE: That's a compliment.
PERINO: Since you left, each of us have done a book. We went out on a book tour. Everybody would ask, they were like how was Bob? How was Bob? We miss Bob. And so now, we can say well, he is back.
GUTFELD: Also, we did Facebook questions. That was the top one.
GUTFELD: We would always have to go, oh, no, not again.
BECKEL: Didn't you used to give speeches and people would ask where I was?
GUTFELD: I did. I would go, before the speech start, everyone wants to know where Bob is. Bob is fine.
GUTFELD: He owes me 50 bucks.
BECKEL: I went down to a federal prison to take an AA meeting. I was not locked up. I took an AA meeting down there. There were probably 50 people in there. And one guy says, Bob, how is The Five doing? I said how do you get to watch The Five? He said we have one TV show we can watch in the afternoon and we turn on The Five.
PERINO: Oh, my gosh.
BECKEL: They will be out and probably 50 years and maybe they can watch it if we are still around.
PERINO: That's so neat.
BECKEL: I couldn't be around in 50 years, but you guys might. But, you know, it just feels good.
PERINO: Are you sad that the diner next door closed?
BECKEL: It did?
BECKEL: What took its place?
PERINO: I think it was a rent thing.
BOLLING: I think they are ripping down the whole block. Anyway, Twitter, so when you're on, people tweet me all the time, get rid of Bob, get him off the show, we're sick of Bob. You leave, get Bob back.
PERINO: Give it 38 minutes.
GUILFOYLE: It's an ambivalence that's very sweet. They love you but...
PERINO: Especially because we are going to talk about politics.
BECKEL: Also, I got to say, the number of tweets I got today about you big, fat slob.
BECKEL: Now, I have lost weight so they can't say that.
GUILFOYLE: You're looking good.
PERINO: I think maybe you should not look at Twitter anymore.
BECKEL: I don't usually look at it. Once in a while, I want to do something, but you guys do it a lot.
GUTFELD: When you do Twitter, you sometimes don't know you are doing Twitter. You are going, I will take a large pizza.
BOLLING: Can I add to that? You butt-dialed me at least four times in the last year and a half. I swear to God.
BOLLING: Hello, hello, hello. And you're talking to someone else. You didn't realize you dialed me, at least four separate times. True story.
BECKEL: I did it on purpose.
GUILFOYLE: It's your birthday, on Fathers' Day.
BECKEL: Yes, yes.
GUILFOYLE: I have a little soft spot in my heart for you. I'm going to hold on to that because I'm sure you are about to say something coming up.
BECKEL: I was thinking with you, New Year's Eve.
BECKEL: And those two boys from Texas, so they were going to build a house. I thought it was very sweet. That is tough to do.
GUILFOYLE: This is live TV again.
BECKEL: Oh, it is. I forgot about that.
GUTFELD: Do not swear. We are on camera.
GUTFELD: This isn't a rehearsal, people. It's for real. Ahead, John Lewis takes on president-elect Donald Trump. And Mr. Trump fires back. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s family weighs in next.
BOLLING: In an interview this weekend, one of the most well known Democrats in Congress, John Lewis, a civil rights icon, made this declaration about president-elect Donald Trump.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOHN LEWIS, CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST: I don't see this president-elect as a legitimate president. I think the Russians participated in helping this man get elected. And they have destroyed the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. I don't plan to attend the inauguration. It will be the first one that I miss, since I've been in the congress. You cannot be cool with something that you feel that is wrong.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BOLLING: At least 30 other Congressional Democrats say they, too, won't be attending Friday's migration. The president-elect fired back at the Congressman and stirred up controversy with this response on Twitter. Congressman John Lewis should spend more time on fixing and helping his district, which is in horrible shape and falling apart, not to mention crime infested. Rather than falsely complaining about the election results, all talk, talk, talk, talk, no action or results, sad. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s family has weighed in.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ALVEDA KING, NIECE OF MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I believe Congressman Lewis can actually help America by working with the president, so that nonviolent conflict resolution, one blood of the Bible, Jesus Christ, encouraging us to be brothers and sisters and not adversarial. Congressman Lewis should be one of the best teachers of that.
MARTIN LUTHER KING III, SON OF MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: In the heat of a motion a lot of things get said on both sides. And I think that, at some point, I am, as John Lewis and many others are, a bridge builder. The goal is to bring America together and Americans. We are a great nation, but we must become a greater nation.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BOLLING: All right, Bob. Weigh in on Congressman Lewis saying Donald Trump is not a legitimate president.
BECKEL: Well, I mean, he's not alone. I mean, there's millions and millions and millions of people who believe that he's the president because of Comey and the Russians. And the more we learn about the Russians, by the way, the more this casts a pall over it.
But he is president. And what John Lewis said was John Lewis's opinion, but for Donald Trump to go back and -- and let John Lewis have it, when he talked about his district, this shows you how little Trump knows about anything.
His district has less crime than a majority of districts in this country. It is Atlanta. It is suburban Atlanta, which is doing very, very well. And the idea that he would go and attack this guy for not taking care of his district, forget about the fact that he says -- the implication is that this guy didn't do much, when he got his head beat in at the Pettus Bridge. Are you kidding me? Trump better take a lesson.
GUTFELD: But this is -- this is why this is a different era. In the old days, you could put Republicans in a box simply by alluding to any kind of racial phenomenon. John Lewis is a civil rights hero. Therefore, if he comes after you, you can't see say anything. Except Trump will. Trump will say anything to everybody. He's gone after civil rights heroes, and war heroes, and women, you name it. He's a different candidate. It's kind of nice, in a way, that he fights back.
BECKEL: If he -- if he was legitimate, if he was right. If his facts were right. This guy -- he has as many facts as I do.
BOLLING: Bobby, let's get Kimberly in here, but what's illegitimate about it? I mean, the guy won fair and square. There's no indication whether it's Comey -- you can blame whatever you want. That any of the Russian hacking or influence had anything to do with the actual voting results, election results.
BECKEL: Oh, come on.
GUILFOYLE: Well, this is the problem. He has absolutely the right to be able to defend himself, and this is completely consistent with what we saw throughout the campaign process. To expect something completely different and disconnected to what we've seen before, it's just not -- it's not reasonable and it's not realistic. It's not going to happen.
This guy attacked, essentially, our democratic principles, our election process, by saying that the presidency of what is going to be the 45th president of the United State of America is illegitimate. That is not helping this country domestically, internationally, whatsoever. So I take issue with that.
And this is the problem with the Democrats, too. Every time they're confronted with situations like this, they make personal attacks and say, "Oh, well, the right is just racist or homophobic or sexist" or something like that.
BECKEL: We make personal attacks? Have you listened to Trump through this campaign?
BOLLING: Hold on, hang in there. Dana, John Lewis, civil rights icon. Again, didn't he also say that about George W. Bush, about the legitimacy of his presidency?
BOLLING: If I'm not mistaken, he didn't go to that inauguration, as well.
PERINO: He did not go in 2001. Remember, though, this is a slightly different scenario. It was after the recount, and there was a group of Democrats who thought that the -- that that decision by the Supreme Court was wrong. And they said that George W. Bush was an illegitimate president.
So it's not that John Lewis hasn't done this before, but he is an iconic hero to civil rights issues. And I just think that, if you're going to counterpunch, maybe make it proportional. Because if you counterpunch that hard at every slight, you're not going to be able to accomplish the things you want to do.
BOLLING: All right. We're going to leave it right there. Straight ahead, why America is better off that some celebrities don't want to appear or perform at President-elect Trump's inauguration. That's coming up next.
GUTFELD: It's a tragedy. The entertainment world is skipping the inauguration. No Elton, no Jay-Z, no Moby. I know. No Moby, that flesh-colored toilet plunger.
Let's all take a deep breath. Who the hell cares about these people? Somehow, I don't think the American public is being shortchanged by going one day without seeing Mariah Carey's sequined butt.
So when did we decide we need celebrities to anoint our events? And why should we get on our hands and knees and beg them for their presence? Why are we handing the control of the political narrative to the most insecure, misinformed people on earth? How did that work for Hillary?
The fewer of these self-serving, grim-faced jackasses at the party, the better. This is an event for America. It's not the Golden Globes, a flaccid platform for telling the foreign press how stupid Americans are. The inauguration is for the rest of us. So it's a perfect day to ignore the petulant sobs from Katy Perry.
Look at the Super Bowl halftime show: star power made it worse. Could it be that the NFL suffered as the focus shifted from pigskin to popstars? You end up with more Colin Kaepernicks and fewer Roger Staubachs. Maybe it's time to shift back.
No offense, entertainers, but your side lost because of you. So stay home, do a line, watch "Judge Judy." We'll take a marching band over Ariana Grande any day.
GUILFOYLE: Arianna Grande.
BOLLING: Big fan, though.
GUTFELD: You think I did that on purpose?
BOLLING: Oh, really?
GUTFELD: "Grande" doesn't rhyme with "band." That's why I did that.
Bob, are you...
GUILFOYLE: Change it to make it work. I like that.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly, I said I don't feel that her name is that important. So I changed it. Are you...
GUILFOYLE: Remember the time that she went and ate those cupcakes?
GUTFELD: Spit on them.
BOLLING: She licked them, spit on them.
GUTFELD: She licked cupcakes.
GUILFOYLE: No, no, no.
GUTFELD: Yes. She's a grand, not a grande, Bob.
So Bob, does it matter that nobody -- nobody famous wants to go and do the inauguration?
BOLLING: Well, you all are going to be there. But I -- let me put it this way, when you get Toby Keith, who's great, wonderful. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir minus about four or five people. And it's an embarrassment. You can cut it anyway you want. You can make fun about the stars and the rest of it, but the fact of the matter is, it used to be an honor to play at the inaugural.
GUILFOYLE: It still is an honor.
BOLLING: And now what we're going to do is get Joe Wrigley's tuba band from New Jersey.
BOLLING: What's wrong with that?
GUTFELD: Joe's a great guy.
BOLLING: He is. And you'll like dancing to that tuba. But I mean, look, this tells you something about how much Trump is disliked.
GUTFELD: But it's healthy. It's a healthy dislike. You want to be disliked by them.
GUILFOYLE: That's the point.
GUTFELD: Being disliked by celebrities is great.
BOLLING: And also 66 million versus 63 million.
BOLLING: Oh, I'm sorry, was it 306 electoral votes that put him -- was it 2,700 counties in America that put him in the office? Maybe I'm doing the math wrong.
GUILFOYLE: But by the way, there's plenty of people that do like him, but yes, they are bending to sort of the will that they don't want to be stigmatized in Hollywood.
GUTFELD: They're cowards.
GUILFOYLE: I think it's actually a badge of honor. Like, who cares what those maniac celebrities...?
BECKEL: Probably right. I would like to see Mariah Carey's butt.
GUILFOYLE: Well, you should have been there for New Year's Eve.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
GUILFOYLE: Welcome back.
GUTFELD: Dana, there are people that are being pressured not to perform. They say they're going to -- like Jennifer Holliday, she got -- she was going to do it, and then she backed out.
PERINO: Well, I think that we should take it off the individuals' decision.
PERINO: Because I think she probably wanted to. And this is more of -- as I understand it, a lot of this is business decision-making. So it's the record label that is saying, "We don't want you to go." And when you're signed with a label, they own your life. So I don't know if it's the individuals as much as it is the businesses making a business decision based on what they know about their target audience.
I'm for much less government. I'm for -- I like Calvin Coolidge. Right? Silent Cal. The -- I sound like Simon Cowell. Silent Cal is what I'm talking about.
GUTFELD: Nothing comes between you and your Calvins.
PERINO: An inauguration should just be done on paper.
PERINO: You don't need to have a big party.
GUTFELD: No. Besides, isn't Donald Trump, Eric, the biggest celebrity ever?
BOLLING: Yes, he is. That's the draw. The man who's got his right hand raised.
Look, toby Keith's going to play, right?
PERINO: Love Toby Keith.
GUILFOYLE: He's fantastic.
BOLLING: You know what happens when you play a country song backwards? Your dog comes back. Your wife comes back, and your horse comes back.
GUILFOYLE: Can I tell you something? Everyone that's there is going to be supportive of him, excited, excited about the future of the country -- no, no. That's attending the events and actually going. So they're going to listen to him speak. Nothing more entertaining than that. They'll probably have a fantastic DJ.
BOLLING: A DJ? That's what you need. Need Trevor (ph) to turn himself in and have a DJ. Make my son can get up. That's an idea.
GUTFELD: Get Moby to play. That's a lie.
PERINO: I don't even know who that is.
BECKEL: I don't know who it is, either.
GUTFELD: Moby is a fairly influential...
GUILFOYLE: You called him a flesh-colored toilet plunger.
GUTFELD: I know, and I like his music.
GUILFOYLE: All right. Well, that's...
GUTFELD: Imagine if I didn't like it.
GUILFOYLE: By the way, you'll be getting no backstage pass after that comment.
BOLLING: Didn't Jennifer Holliday -- she played at Republican inaugurations, right? I think she did. I think she played...
BECKEL: Couldn't Ethel Merman do it?
BECKEL: Ethel Merman?
BOLLING: She's dead, isn't she?
BECKEL: She is? I thought Jennifer Holliday was dead.
GUTFELD: All right. Join us as we celebrate Bob's first day back with a look back on some of his most memorable moments here on "The Five." You won't want to miss that. We're going to stay tuned.
BECKEL: If you're just tuning in, you're not seeing things. It's me, Bob Beckel, back on "The Five," excited and humble to be sitting next to my four pals here again and, of course, with you, our viewers.
In case you're not familiar with my previous time on "The Five," here's a little flashback.
BECKEL: If they don't hit me on the first throw, they're wusses. They're uncoordinated. They're un-athletic, and of course, they're Republicans, which never gets anything straight.
What a throw that is.
If he doesn't get this, he is a total and complete wuss.
Too bad. That was so close. You missed it again. Oh, no.
GUTFELD: Look at him. He's ripping the meat apart.
PERINO: Thirty-two seconds, 32 seconds.
GUTFELD: Kimberly is killing you, Bob. Literally, she's killing you.
BOLLING: Do you know why I'm wearing this? For ratings. That's why I'm wearing it. They -- if you wear that silly hat, you wear it.
They decided to send me out to attend the 11th annual solstice event. And I was able to join thousands of people rolling out their yoga mats.
Man, that hurts.
Have a Twinkie a day, and your world will be better. I promise you that.
Oh, yes. Sure. Good idea. Get out of the way. You're going to get killed.
PERINO: Snap his suspenders three times, the Republicans will win the Senate. There you go.
GUTFELD: There's a whole website devoted to that.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.
BECKEL: Oh, memories.
GUILFOYLE: So cute.
GUTFELD: Do you remember the Twinkie shake? When we put Twinkies in a shake, and you drank it and...
BECKEL: I did, and I threw up, yes.
But I thought that Twinkie thing was so great. You remember that? I was crying over the loss of Twinkies.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God. Then you.
BECKEL: And danced with Mr. Twinkie. That's Mr. Twinkie right there.
GUILFOYLE: You and your food issues. Remember the time when you had the finger, hand situation and you ate the nachos. And they were like the MRSA chips?
BECKEL: MRSA chips.
BOLLING: That was at the 2012...
PERINO: Yes, it's true.
BOLLING: ... convention.
GUILFOYLE: At the convention.
PERINO: Are you still game to do things like that? So if I come up with an idea, I can send you out?
BECKEL: Well, given my little bit of a physical condition, probably not. Although I'd go down face first.
BECKEL: Yes. No, I used to love to do those things. I loved the yoga thing. It was great. I was so far, like I was five moves behind everybody else in doing yoga.
GUILFOYLE: And then you tried to get phone numbers.
BECKEL: Yes, I did try to get -- I got one. Yes, God was she terrible. The -- no, she was nice. She was a nice girl, in case she's watching.
The -- but every time there was something to do like this to be the class clown, right here.
GUILFOYLE: Right there.
BECKEL: It wasn't even...
PERINO: Straight out of central casting.
BECKEL: It wasn't even a thought. It was just, "OK. Here's something stupid. So let's have Bob do it." Right?
PERINO: Yes, it's like Mikey.
BECKEL: Yes, exactly.
GUILFOYLE: But you're such a good sport about it. So that was the great thing. Like no one else would -- you and I did the chicken wing eating contest, and I cleaned your clock; and then you puked after in front of the West Point band.
BECKEL: I noticed, watching this film that -- watch this. You spit it out.
GUILFOYLE: I was not. There's no footage of me spitting it out. Trust me.
BECKEL: I'm telling you. You did not...
GUILFOYLE: Dana, you're my witness
PERINO: You also won by the hand movements, because you made it look...
You threw one away? That's cheating is what that was.
GUILFOYLE: Two at a time. Not cheating. I am chewing.
BOLLING: No, she crushed you. Just admit it. She absolutely crushed you, Bob.
BOLLING: It wasn't even close.
PERINO: And I dunked you.
GUTFELD: It so good that we cared about your health.
GUILFOYLE: He was, like, choking after.
GUILFOYLE: He was choking after, and the West Point band was playing, and Bob's like...
GUTFELD: Seriously, he's overweight. Let's make him eat a lot of food really fast.
GUILFOYLE: And the same day we stuck him in the dunk tank.
GUTFELD: Yes. And you had a heart -- you had a heart condition.
BECKEL: I still have a heart condition.
GUTFELD: My God.
BECKEL: Love for you, Greg.
No, but you know, I was -- do you remember the first day we had that -- we had our first show? We had lunch over across the way.
GUILFOYLE: Del Frisco's.
BECKEL: And I -- I got a little too much shrimp in my throat.
GUILFOYLE: You tried to swallow the big...
BECKEL: And my man gave me the Heimlich, and I survived.
BOLLING: You know what they say now, right? Next time?
BOLLING: Do it again.
BECKEL: Do it again. Very good. That's nice.
BECKEL: "One More Thing." I remember that.
GUILFOYLE: Remember that, Bob?
PERINO: It's time now for "One More Thing." Let's start with Bob.
BECKEL: First of all, I want to thank three doctors: Dr. Ammerman (ph), Dr. Murphy, and Dr. Dooley, who helped me and brought me back and got my legs back. And I appreciate it very much.
Now, the one thing I want to say, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Donald Trump, congratulations, because you, sir, are the gift that keeps on giving for me.
Now, for years, I had to defend Barack Obama here as this guy next to me used to pick the feathers off of him all the time. Well, I'm not going to call you that word, because you're president of the United States and I'm going to try to be nice about it. Except one thing that I'm going to be here a lot, and I'm going to be after you. And you know that old expression. You can run, but you can't hide.
Good luck, Don. And by the way, I'll be happy to sing at your inaugural.
GUILFOYLE: Didn't know you could sing.
BOLLING: Can we do this first. Take a look. Just a little refresher. This happened a bunch of times.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BECKEL: Let me explain something to you. It's not us. It's Republicans doing it to you.
BOLLING: Bob, please, it was...
BECKEL: Oh, (EXPLETIVE DELETED)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BOLLING: And that inspired this, "Bob's Swear Jar." And guess what, Bobby? We saved this for the whole time you were gone.
BECKEL: You did?
BOLLING: I'm not trying to suggest that you should be able to use that language again and pay the fine.
BECKEL: Why the hell not?
PERINO: All right.
BOLLING: It was from our history.
BECKEL: Well, thank you.
GUILFOYLE: It's on delay.
GUTFELD: It's only pennies.
BOLLING: That's the whole point. We almost got off delay.
BECKEL: He took all the bills out of it.
GUTFELD: It's only pennies.
PERINO: Yes, well, maybe this happened...
GUILFOYLE: By the way, who took the cash?
BECKEL: Eric did.
BOLLING: No, no, no. I wasn't holding it.
PERINO: I have something for you.
GUTFELD: NO, no. Please, no.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.
GUTFELD: No. I'm just afraid.
PERINO: It's for -- it's for Bob on your return. The annual Jasper calendar for your new office.
BECKEL: You know, I...
PERINO: I know you've missed Jasper so much. We have pictures of Bob with Jasper.
GUTFELD: You could not wait. You couldn't wait one day?
PERINO: There you are, Bob. Look at the evidence. Bob actually really likes jasper.
BECKEL: Yes, yes.
PERINO: There, from Savannah.
GUILFOYLE: What about the other time? Bob came after New Year's?
BECKEL: This makes you want to contribute to the ASPCA. The -- no, it's very nice. It -- the likely resemblance to some people. No, it's very -- it's very nice. Thank you very much, Dana. I always loved those dogs.
PERINO: You're welcome. I knew you would love it.
Greg, you're next.
GUTFELD: All right. I want to break the love-fest.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I hate these people!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right. We had too much good stuff going on.
I hate the basket leaver. The person that is in front of you at the supermarket line. And they're in front of you, and then they forget something. "Oh, I'll be right back" as they go get their medicated wipes. And they go downstairs to Walgreen's or to Duane Reed (ph), and they're gone 40 seconds. And you have to keep pushing their basket, because you don't want to confront them, because that would be rude.
You leave the line, you're out of line, unless you're shopping with somebody else. If you're alone, screw you.
GUTFELD: Also, Walgreens and Duane Reed (ph), clean your shopping baskets. Clean your shopping -- it's disgusting.
GUILFOYLE: You don't -- you're not even a real shopper. You're like a poser.
GUTFELD: I shop at a drug store.
GUILFOYLE: I hate those people, too.
GUTFELD: Who doesn't?
GUILFOYLE: He shops at Duane Reed (Ph).
GUTFELD: Duane Reed (ph) or Walgreens, same thing. But it's like a supermarket now. You can get everything there.
GUILFOYLE: You really can, actually. They even sell salamis.
BECKEL: Including 89-year-old women who go after stuff they forget. And you, of course, push them aside.
GUTFELD: That's true.
PERINO: Kimberly's turn.
GUILFOYLE: Something amazing. So let's take a little look here at the Pala Degas College performing. I don't know if you remember about them, but they're the marching band in Alabama. And they agreed to perform, Bob, by the way, at President-elect Trump's inaugural parade, viewing it as a learning experience for the students outside of the classroom. And it is, Bob, an historically black college. They've been struggling to raise the $75,000 to send them all to D.C.
And take a look at this. This is Billy Hawkins on "The Factor." So thanks to you all out there, the donations started flowing. The college president, Billy Hawkins, appeared on "O'Reilly," and now they've raised over $400,000. I shared this on my Facebook and Twitter page, as well. So I'm very excited about this.
PERINO: They have extra, so they can do more.
I love a marching band. You know, my goal, Bob, is to take "The Five" to the national marching band competition next year.
GUTFELD: That should be great.
BECKEL: I'll play the tuba.
PERINO: Set your DVRs so you never miss an episode of "The Five." That's it for us. He's back. "Special Report" is next.
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