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The Five

Facebook Friday on 'The Five'

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," April 1, 2016. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Greg Gutfeld along with Jedediah Bila, Juan Williams, Eric Bolling and a fuzzy sock is her sleeping bag, Dana Perino -- "The Five."

As you know, it is Friday. And since there are so many questions piling up on our Facebook page, we thought we would answer a bunch of them right off the bat -- screw politics -- Facebook Friday.

Yes, all right. I'm gonna go -- let's go this way. This is from Ann. If you could pick an animal and give him the power of reason and speech, what would it be? And you can't say dog.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: OK, because my dog does have reason.

GUTFELD: I understand that.

PERINO: . and speech.

GUTFELD: That's why I try to eliminate that.

PERINO: Jasper is pretty good. I would say a horse.

GUTFELD: Horse?

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Why?

PERINO: I grew up with horses.

GUTFELD: Uh-uh.

PERINO: But there are -- they're work animals.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: And so, like they kind of figure it out for themselves over time, but if they could speak to you they could say no, the cow is hiding up in that way, so go, you know, go around them up on the other side.

GUTFELD: But if they have the power and reason of speech, you would say stop treating me like a horse.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: Get off of me?

GUTFELD: Get off of me -- or you'll never know. Horses --

PERINO: You never know.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: And some horses out there, Eric, you know, you never know what they want.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: You never know.

GUTFELD: You never know (inaudible).

BOLLING: Do you know what I want to know?

GUTFELD: What?

PERINO: That wasn't the horse.

BOLLING: I want to know what your slow horse or is thinking when you hammer hanging out in the basement.

GUTFELD: I know that's --

BOLLING: Does that --

JEDEDIAH BILA, GUEST CO-HOST: That's fair.

GUTFELD: The slow horse --

BOLLING: Yeah, that's fair.

GUTFELD: The slow horse has very sticky hands. So it will probably say --

BOLLING: It can't speak.

GUTFELD: It can't -- yes.

BOLLING: I would say -- seriousness, I would be serious.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

BOLLING: . for this question.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BOLLING: An elephant. I look at them and I'm like, wow! They're so majestic and what do they think? They have this --

PERINO: Why.

BOLLING: And yeah. Why isn't so powerful they want to be, but they're so controlled? I like to hear about it.

GUTFELD: And they have great memories. They never forget, so to speak. And they're like humans. They're like to get soul mates, Juan. Speaking of that, you're my soul mate.

(LAUGHTER)

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Ed.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: I was thinking about this. And you know, my mind went to something that interests you greatly, which is, you know, if you could get germs.

GUTFELD: Right.

WILLIAMS: . to reason and talk, you could like solve things. You could even use them as weapons. You could weaponize animals because of the germs.

GUTFELD: That's a brilliant idea.

WILLIAMS: There you go.

GUTFELD: There you go.

WILLIAMS: There you go.

GUTFELD: I think you saw something.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Jedediah?

BILA: Yeah, I would say a cat. And the reason is that a cat would tell you the truth. Cats are mean. I asked Greg Gutfeld for dating advice, by the way, in the green room and he was catlike.

GUTFELD: Yes, I was.

BILA: He was very nasty.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BILA: No, but --

PERINO: But it was a good advice.

GUTFELD: Good advice.

PERINO: I mean that was a good advice.

BILA: It's a good advice but it would ruin my life, nonetheless. But no, I want a cat, because they will -- if you look ugly, a cat's going to tell you.

GUTFELD: Can I say the advice that I gave you?

BILA: And if your boyfriend is a jerk.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

BILA: . a cat will tell you.

GUTFELD: You're dating -- you were dating a younger man. I just told them to grow up. I don't have time for you (inaudible).

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: You know -- why you're dating a younger man anyway?

BILA: I don't really know.

GUTFELD: You don't know what they want.

BILA: I hope he's watching.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: I was -- I thought this for awhile and I thought a box turtle. Because they're small, and turtles live really long, so you could always carry them around with you and it can help you with stuff. It would be like iPhone. It would be like if you need something the turtle would go --

PERINO: In case you run out of batteries?

GUTFELD: Tortoises, turtles, they don't. They live forever. And you can keep it in your pocket. It could be fun.

BILA: You can crawl into a protective shell.

GUTFELD: Yes. Go on.

WILLIAMS: Is that like Yoda? It was Yoda -- what was Yoda?

GUTFELD: Oh please, Juan -- next question.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: I don't -- I think it was --

GUTFELD: All right.

WILLIAMS: Was he a turtle?

GUTFELD: From Peter. If you could have an extra eyeball -- that's a great question. Where would you put it? Let's start with you Eric.

BOLLING: By my left side.

GUTFELD: Yeah?

BOLLING: No, I'm kidding. No, I will put it --

(LAUGHTER)

BOLLING: One? Just one?

GUTFELD: Yes, an extra; like a spare, so to speak.

(LAUGHTER)

BOLLING: So if you put it on the side or the back, you won't have deaths (ph).

GUTFELD: Yeah.

BOLLING: You'll just have -- I guess you have to go with the back, yes.

WILLIAMS: Yeah.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: So it was back?

WILLIAMS: Yeah. I would go with the back or -- what could you do? I mean, and you know what, this -- who like eyeballs in their hands?

BOLLING: Oh, that's good.

GUTFELD: That was a great. That was --

BOLLING: That's really good.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: That was (inaudible) --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Yeah.

BOLLING: That's genius.

GUTFELD: You know, (inaudible) movie.

WILLIAMS: Except you would be in trouble. You can't catch a baseball with your eye. That would --

GUTFELD: But you can do this -- look at my eyeball.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: The eye. That could be the next show.

BILA: True.

GUTFELD: The eye.

BILA: True.

GUTFELD: What about you Jed?

BILA: I would put it on the bottom of my foot, so could I spy behind me like, I want it in a place that people wouldn't expect it. Something is going on behind me, I can just sort like angle it, and it could be like a little camera.

GUTFELD: You would be stepping on your eye the whole time.

BILA: Yeah. I mean like, oh, I was going to say my booty then I'll be sitting on my eye. That would be worse.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: Oh.

GUTFELD: There you go.

(CROSSTALK)

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: Well, I agree with everything you said so far.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: But I think on the top of my head, because you know in a scary movie when you're watching it, they all say like, look up! Look up.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: And you know it like you screaming at the TV, because you want somebody to look up, but the danger is above.

GUTFELD: That's pretty good.

PERINO: Yeah.

GUTFELD: That's smart. I keep the eye in my pocket. Just in case like if I need to use --

PERINO: Gross.

GUTFELD: If I -- well, yeah, there would be lint and gum on it. But I would like -- if I need to like, if I need to leave my office and I don't want anybody going out, I would just leave my eye there.

BOLLING: You'd lose it.

GUTFELD: You would lose it --

BOLLING: Someone else would find your eye.

GUTFELD: I -- and you would have --

BOLLING: And you would know --

GUTFELD: That would drive me crazy.

BOLLING: Well.

GUTFELD: That would drive me crazy. Unless, it was like Gisele Bundchen who found it and then she just kept it.

BOLLING: You give your eye -- extra eye to Jedediah.

GUTFELD: Jedediah.

BOLLING: . for a date, and that --

BILA: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BILA: I love it.

GUTFELD: Oh, here's --

BILA: Good idea.

GUTFELD: From Rachel -- this is a great one. I got -- let's see who I start with.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Juan, if your personal e-mails were hacked, then leak to the press, who would be the first person you would have to call to warn and profusely apologize to?

WILLIAMS: And profusely apologize to. I don't know. I don't know. I don't - - you know the problem --

GUTFELD: You know what --

WILLIAMS: The problem with me is I'm kind of boring on e-mail because I always think everybody is watching any way.

GUTFELD: You don't check your e-mail. That's the problem.

WILLIAMS: That's true too.

GUTFELD: Does anybody here check your e-mails, typical left-wing comie (ph).

WILLIAMS: Not yet.

BILA: True.

GUTFELD: Jed?

BILA: Yeah, that would be my best friend Lauren. I am not boring on e-mail at all.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

BILA: So my life would be ruined. I would be living on a small island somewhere, as would she, but you know, if the public would be entertained.

GUTFELD: That's for sure. What about you Dana?

PERINO: I was thinking of Ed Henry, and all the other reporters that we used to work with at the White House, that if they knew what we were saying behind the scenes, I would probably have to apologize to a lot of them.

BOLLING: This is very easy; my son.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

BOLLING: I have so many e-mails going back and forth with my wife, but what will we're going to do. Literally, it takes up 80 percent of my time - mental space time and e-mail numbers. He would just be floored if he knew what we were talking about. Don't --

GUTFELD: I would say Lou Dobbs, because the photos would destroy him. And he would never be able to get work.

BOLLING: He might --

GUTFELD: . anywhere else.

BOLLING: He might be all right with this.

GUTFELD: Yeah, that's true. He is a progressive kind of guy.

Izzy, that's a great name. What famous person do you wish could be your best friend and why? I guess we go this way again.

PERINO: Famous.

GUTFELD: Come on, we know.

PERINO: . person and best friend -- no, I'm already best friends with her so I don't need to --

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: That's why I don't need to have -- I mean, but I would add Carrie Underwood.

GUTFELD: Carrie Underwood?

PERINO: I think she's really cool.

GUTFELD: Al right.

PERINO: And I like her.

GUTFELD: Eric?

BOLLING: Uhm -- Mark Cuban. I think he is so fascinating to put together a big business, made a ton of money and sold the company very well, and took money, and then invested something he loves -- basketball. That guy can -- he does it right.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BOLLING: I would like to be best friends with Mark Cuban.

GUTFELD: He's an engaged guy. He seems like he has got his hands in everything, Juan. What about you, where is your hand?

WILLIAMS: You know I was thinking --

BOLLING: Not talking.

WILLIAMS: I was --

BOLLING: Liberal.

WILLIAMS: Well, I was going to play, you know.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

WILLIAMS: . marbles with your eyeball for a second, but I was -- no, I was thinking, you know, the Nationals have a new manager, who a very interesting guy named Dusty Baker.

GUTFELD: I love Dusty Baker.

WILLIAMS: No, oh, because he was the manager of the Giants.

GUTFELD: Yeah, yeah.

WILLIAMS: Oh, yeah. And he talks about being friends with people like -- gosh, and he goes back always with Jimmy Hendrix and smoking and join with Jimmy Hendrix hanging around town. I'm like, wow, this is --

GUTFELD: He's an interesting person.

WILLIAMS: Yeah.

GUTFELD: That's a good one. That's a good one, Jed?

BILA: John Stamos, because I want to marry my best friend and it will make it so -- Jesse. Come on, Jesse --

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, Jesse, of course, "Full House."

(CROSSTALK)

BILA: I don't care what his hobbies are. Have you seen him? He's good.

GUTFELD: I was thinking about -- I would say Caitlyn Jenner, because you get the whole package.

PERINO: Yup.

GUTFELD: Like you have a big sister --

BOLLING: No.

GUTFELD: No, you have a big sister you can play ball with. And she's a right-winger so you can watch Fox with her. It would be great. It would be -- you would have a great day. Nothing could go wrong, nothing. I'll shut up now.

BOLLING: Yeah, next.

GUTFELD: Next, Larry. What behavior or act that is currently illegal, once it became legal, would you instantly engage in?

BOLLING: Wow.

GUTFELD: I would say murder.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Well, someone is here will try to kill me, so I'm out to --

WILLIAMS: What?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: And so they would legal --

GUTFELD: Honestly.

BOLLING: It was self defense.

PERINO: OK.

GUTFELD: Yes, self defense.

BOLLING: Speeding.

GUTFELD: Speeding?

BOLLING: Yeah.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BOLLING: I could drive fast.

GUTFELD: That's a good one. That's good one. Dana?

PERINO: I don't want to break any laws.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: I don't know.

GUTFELD: Well, if you just --

PERINO: I mean I know there's nothing I want to do that I can't do.

GUTFELD: So if it's were legal and you didn't it, you would be breaking the law?

PERINO: I guess so.

(LAUGHTER)

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: I just take what the hell I want.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: I just like --

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: Get what I want. I mean it's like oh, go, go Lorenzo. You know I mean. You know I mean, really, because sometimes you are in a store --

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: And you have to like wait, you know, these old ladies in front of you, and you just like, skip the blank out of me and you just take what you want --

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: That is amazing.

WILLIAMS: There you go.

BILA: That's a great answer. I don't have a good answer for this.

GUTFELD: You don't have to have --

(CROSSTALK)

BILA: I was going to say speeding, but Eric told -- took my -- I smoke weed. I would smoke weed because the other day I said I'm already too hungry and paranoid and people said no, but you'll be happy.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

BILA: So, you know. And maybe --

WILLIAMS: Well, so go to Colorado or --

BILA: It's true, but we're in the--

WILLIAMS: You can do medical marijuana in D.C.

(CROSSTALK)

BILA: Well, I'm not ill yet.

WILLIAMS: You don't have to be ill.

BILA: Well, I don't know.

WILLIAMS: . you just say you are.

GUTFELD: All right.

BILA: That will make me a liar.

GUTFELD: This is an interesting one, presuming you are straight -- this is from Frank. Presuming you are straight, name someone of the same sex you would find attractive. I will go with you first.

BILA: Angelina Jolie. I could go on forever.

(LAUGHTER)

BILA: And it keeps going. I have a lot of girl crushes. Angelina would be my number one. I also like which Jennifer Aniston, which is odd because apparently, I like everyone Brad Pitt has married.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: That's what it is.

BILA: But yeah --

GUTFELD: It's your way to Brad.

BILA: Angie would be my girl, because she's sexy, she's smart, you know, she's got the lips, she is good. Eric -- they're all re-evaluating my sexuality now, apparently. But no, Angie, come on. Everybody loves Angie.

GUTFELD: Juan?

WILLIAMS: I'm trying to think. I mean, I think, you know, it is hard for me to see men and think oh, my god, he's sexy. I just don't get it a lot of times. But my wife likes the guys in "Pirates of the Caribbean." What's his --

GUTFELD: Johnny Depp?

WILLIAMS: Yeah. She thinks he's hot.

GUTFELD: So there you go, because he has feminine qualities.

WILLIAMS: Could it be.

GUTFELD: Women find men with feminine qualities to be more attractive. It's a study, right?

WILLIAMS: Is that true?

GUTFELD: It's between symmetrical faces.

BILA: True.

GUTFELD: . cheek bones, stuff like that.

WILLIAMS: You know, because I always think it's going to be somebody who's like really cut like the wrestlers, and then women say they think it is too much. It's gross.

BILA: It is too much.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

WILLIAMS: It is?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: All right, Eric.

BOLLING: Can I pass?

(LAUGHTER)

BILA: You cannot pass this one.

WILLIAMS: You could say --

BOLLING: I guess --

WILLIAMS: You can say me. It's OK.

BOLLING: Yeah, I know you're right here. I just don't want to embarrass you.

(LAUGHTER)

BOLLING: I guess -- so I watch "Walking Dead."

GUTFELD: Yeah.

BOLLING: The guy Rick, character in "Walking Dead." He's a tough guy. And you know, he kills everyone and if it weren't for Rick, everyone would be dead.

GUTFELD: There you go. That's a good answer.

PERINO: I have no -- Jedediah, can you pick for me?

BILA: Oh, I can --

PERINO: Someone.

BILA: I mean, oh, I don't know whose your type would be.

PERINO: You know who my type is.

GUTFELD: No, it's OK. I have -- but already said it Bill Hemmer. I would say bill hemmer so it is really awkward in the elevator.

PERINO: Oh, yeah.

BOLLING: Even more on itself.

GUTFELD: Yeah, even more awkward than it really is.

BOLLING: You know that would really tick off Dobbs.

BILA: I just -- (LAUGHTER)

BILA: Hey --

GUTFELD: All right, we had -- we have about five more, but we ran out of time. I want to thank everybody who wrote in. And I think we have their names there.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: There you go. I wrote all of these letters.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: Really?

GUTFELD: That's my April Fools for today.

BOLLING: You did it all?

GUTFELD: Yeah, I did it all. That's why they were -- I was trying, I was trying to give a training session to the viewers that write and write -- ask odd questions.

BOLLING: Oh.

BILA: But these were good. I have to say.

PERINO: This is like "Red Eye."

GUTFELD: Yeah, you know.

BILA: Yeah.

PERINO: In the old days.

GUTFELD: More like black eye. OK. Ahead, Hillary Clinton loses it at one of her events yesterday, accusing her opponent of lies. She is sick and tired with Bernie Sanders and you've got to see why, next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: Hillary Clinton lost five of the last six contests, and she could lose Wisconsin on Tuesday. And she is certainly losing her temper with Bernie Sanders and his supporters. Take a look.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CROWD: She wins, we lose.

HILLARY CLINTON, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Oh I know the Bernie people came to say that we're very sorry you're leaving. And they're leaving. I want to say, I have earned 9 million votes in this election.

(APPLAUSE)

CLINTON: . already. I have 1 million more votes than Donald Trump. And I have 2.5 million more votes than Bernie Sanders.

(APPLAUSE)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: She also lashed out yesterday at an environmental activist, questioning donations that she's received from the fossil fuel industry.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Will you act on your words and reject fossil fuel money in the future of your campaign?

CLINTON: I do not have -- I have from the people who work for fossil, fuel companies. I am so sick -- I am so sick of the Sanders campaign lying about me. I am sick of it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: I mean Eric, is that a distinction without a difference, though, when she is talking about -- the accusation is that you get money from fossil fuel companies, and she -- and Hillary Clinton's response is, "No, I get money from people who work for fossil fuel companies. Isn't it the same thing?

BOLLING: Of course, you know. Of course the same thing, and then she shot back and made a comment that Bernie Sanders got $50,000 from people who work for fossil -- I mean $50,000. He's raised what? Come 45 -- 44?

PERINO: $44 million in March.

BOLLING: $50,000 is a drop in the bucket. I mean -- here's what I read that whole thing as she is starting to feel the pressure. Not necessarily from Bernie, not necessarily from Trump, just the pressure. It's building on it to lose your temper at a Greenpeace activist. It wasn't even Bernie Sanders supporters. It was a Greenpeace activist. She's starting to feel it and she start -- when you start responding with kind of over the top, over the board responses like that -- the finger pointing, you're feeling it.

PERINO: Juan --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Juan, you look skeptical.

WILLIAMS: Because I -- I mean, it's not even up to me or you on this one. I mean, I think (inaudible) everybody who checked it and said, in fact, she's right. Bernie is wrong. You talk about individuals. You could be talking about, or if somebody said, if the guy who is the janitor at Exxon gives money to Hillary Clinton, you are saying, oh that comes, but no. The best argument Bernie Sanders makes on this is that some lobbyist who represents some of the fossil fuel industry had given money to Hillary Clinton. And therefore, he said that essentially coming from the fossil fuel industry. I can see that argument. But in fact, if you're talking about tax or the company themselves, it that has been --

BOLLING: That wasn't Bernie Sanders saying it, though. That was a Greenpeace activist.

WILLIAMS: She understands. I think this is really true. Bernie Sanders makes the case. Hillary Clinton is in the pocket of Wall Street, in the pocket of the fossil fuel industry. She's status quo --

PERINO: It's working.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: She stands for --

BOLLING: Not hard. Not a hard sell.

WILLIAMS: But that was, it is very hard. It is a very important sell because that's what appeals to his constituents. Young people who feel like, you know what? The system isn't working for me on the left.

BOLLING: Good point.

WILLIAMS: This is so bad.

PERINO: There are some people, Jedediah, thought that her response there was refreshing because it showed she wasn't so robotic, and it was just a human moment and that they liked it.

(CROSSTALK)

BILA: To me she looks terrified of Bernie Sanders. I mean this is the second guy now that has sort of strolled in out of nowhere and taken her thunder away. She feels entitled to this job repeatedly. And then she steps up to the plate and there is always someone more charismatic, more real that bring young people and bring all these voters that, I don't know that they're going out to vote for her, that just kind of steal the stage from her. So I think its desperation. And I think she is looking at these numbers. And even if she's ahead, the fact that he has gotten so far, shows that she's incredibly vulnerable. And that, I think it's going to be a challenge for her to get those young people, those female voters. The people that don't like Hillary don't like Hillary. There's nothing that she's going to be able to do to convince them otherwise. And I have a feeling a lot of them are going to stay home if it is not Bernie Sanders, and just won't bother to vote for her at all.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Can I just interject and say that in fact, to your point, "Wall Street Journal" poll found about a third of Bernie's supporters say Bernie or bust.

BILA: Yeah.

WILLIAMS: That's it.

BILA: Yup.

PERINO: Bernie or bust. OK, that's the new bumper sticker. We actually have sound from Bernie Sanders. We get your take on that, after this, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BERNIE SANDERS, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: According to a Greenpeace study, they look at campaign finance reports. Hillary Clinton received $4.5 million from the fossil fuel industry. She has received individual contributions from over 50 lobbyists of the oil and gas industry. If you are a lobbyist for the fossil fuel industry and there are 50 of you and you make a contribution; that to me, Charlie is a contribution from the fossil fuel industry. If people receive money from lobbyist of the industry, I think you're receiving money from the industry.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: And Greg, he's asked for an apology from Hillary Clinton.

GUTFELD: All right, I'll say. First off, I love fossil fuels, OK? Fossil fuels have saved more lives than any progressive cause in the history of the universe. Those two; Sanders and Hillary, they are the fueled fossils in modern politics.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: They're all -- they are living in the past. But she's got to be careful coming after Bernie because he's likeable. She's like the angry socialite screaming at the shop keeper, because the insured flavored ripping candy she purchased wasn't double bagged.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: She, you know, it doesn't help her. However, if this is how she might be as a president, I wouldn't be so -- but it's like, at least she's got anger behind that, but maybe not.

PERINO: Ripping candy?

GUTFELD: Ripping candy.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: They also stuff together in a dish.

PERINO: I know. I know.

GUTFELD: Yeah, they clamp.

PERINO: And then it's like break your teeth.

WILLIAMS: By the way, you know, we've been reaching out to Bernie Sanders. So let me just say personally to Bernie, Bernie, we'd love to have you sit right here on the table -- at the table with "The Five."

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: But you wouldn't be in your place.

PERINO: On the table.

WILLIAMS: Yeah.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: He'll be in your place.

WILLIAMS: No, no. It's the one day we have two libs.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: But --

GUTFELD: You know we don't do that.

WILLIAMS: But in fact --

GUTFELD: It's four against one.

WILLIAMS: I know, I know, I know. Do you think I know? I know. But what I'm saying is we would have Bernie and -- in order to kind of chorale Bernie, we would put you on air on his lap. And then you just sit right there.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: . old guy, right on your lap?

PERINO: No, it's not me.

WILLIAMS: There you go.

BOLLING: No, I don't know. He'll sit between us.

WILLIAMS: But we have reached out to Bernie and to all his people. And the point is, Bernie, you would be welcome here. We would really like to hear from you, and this is a great opportunity before the New York primary.

BILA: Bernie would come.

PERINO: OK. I like it. Do we have time to do this next one? OK. In the GOP race, a new Fox Business poll spells some trouble for Donald Trump in Wisconsin ahead of Tuesdays' primary, Cruz leads in there by 10 points, and there is an especially big gap when it comes to the stage female voters. Trump is losing with Wisconsin's women by about a 19 point margin, and his disapproval rating with women, nationwide, is 73 percent. But his spokeswoman said that it's not an issue.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

KATRINA PIERSON, TRUMP CAMPAIGN SPOKESWOMAN: With regard to women, we saw this early on (inaudible) of the race, that he had unfavorable (ph) with women. But as people started to vote, the issues are what began to take over. And of course, there is a negative perception out there. He is not politically correct, but I don't think that fits with the war on women. Mr. Trump has been very outspoken against men and women, also with praise for men and women. It's just one aspect that they want to focus on here.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: OK, Jedediah, there's time. There are seven months between now and the election. But these numbers, I think today show that there's a significant ground that he has got to try to figure out a way to make-up.

BILA: No, it's terrible news from him. And he is running -- he's gonna be running against a woman. People don't realize the dynamic of that. Think about the tweets that he's putting out about Carly Fiorina or Megyn Kelly. I mean, he tweeted about Hillary Clinton that way?

WILLIAMS: Yes.

BILA: Think about the dynamic of the debate stage where media is always looking to see, oh it's the guy bullying the female. I mean, that's the angle they come at it from. Maybe they shouldn't but, with the personality and the demeanor he had, it will really be easy for her to play that card. You have to factor that in. And if he has this issue with female voters, and he does, it's time for him to re-evaluate what he's doing. This isn't the time to go ahead and say, I'm just gonna keep digging a whole, even deeper. If this is going to be the nominee, then his responsibility to look at what he's doing and say, OK, this isn't working. I need to appeal to this group of voters in a better way or backtrack on this because, I mean, I would hope he's trying to win.

PERINO: Of course he -- I think he's obviously wants to win. I think his work -- but there's one thing you can tell from all the sound bites we've played today. The presidential candidates are all losing their voice.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: They are working and their tails off and --

BILA: Yup.

PERINO: Tuesday, Wisconsin -- Bernie or Hillary in Wisconsin, Juan?

WILLIAMS: Oh the polls right now is interesting. The polls used to be tied. And now, it looks like Bernie is above the margin of error. So it is look like it's going to be Bernie.

PERINO: Any thoughts on Wisconsin?

BOLLING: Yeah, very quickly. On Trump and the woman --

PERINO: Sure.

BOLLING: And the woman vote. Yes, 100 percent right, he'll have a general election issue that he has to address. But don't forget, he's got to get to the general election first. And again, he's polling there, he's had more votes. He's won the woman -- the female -- the women vote among the three candidates, so far. What he -- and don't -- there's a secret weapon that's waiting to be employed that hasn't, that hasn't yet and it's Ivanka. Ivanka, his daughter is well respected. She is smart. She is intelligent. She speaks well. She loves her father, and is now, you know, recovering from giving birth. When he goes to the general, I would think he would push her out right in front and say, here, look, I -- and she is a great spokesman for him.

BILA: She is. But I don't know if that's kind of cover up. He still the candidate, you know?

GUTFELD: Yeah, here are the issues. Yes, men lead to angry women. He had -- I'm a broken record, but the engine of criticism leads to its central truth. And he didn't surround himself with people who would give him the sober truth that he need. And he would have been better prepared. I don't know. I mean, you're about Ivanka. She's an amazing person. But he need -- he was supposed to surround himself with amazing people that are saying, OK -- first, you're going on MSNBC. They're going to you this question. They ask every right-winger this question. You got to be prepared. You got to get out of this stuff with Corey. You got to distance yourself. But he has three people.

PERINO: Don't forget 25 percent of the electorate in 2016, single women. So it is significant. Next, two new examples of the American culture in decline; this time involving band aid and hair -- stay tuned.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BOLLING: Well, we have more reasons to ask ourselves tonight, where the heck are we going as a nation? New examples of American culture in decline. An incident in San Francisco State University, a confrontation between a black female student upset about a white male student's dreadlocks.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You're saying that I can't have a hair style because it's your culture?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes, because it's my culture. Do you know what dreadlocks mean?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you know I live in an Egyptian culture? Are you Egyptian?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Are you Egyptian?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You have no right to tell me.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You have no right to tell me...

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Where's Egypt?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Stop it. Get off me.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: If you put your hands on me, you're going to learn.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: The young man seen in that video filed a formal campus police report but didn't file criminal charges. His name is Cory Goldstein. Here's what he had to say about what happened.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CORY GOLDSTEIN, STUDENT: Someone having locks, which is found universally across the world, not just within African culture but everywhere, actually, that is not cultural appropriation, in my view. The fact that I have locks does not mean that I am trying to appropriate anyone's culture. It means, I love and respect their culture, and it's something that I hold true to myself.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: Cultural -- this is a new one for me, Greg, cultural appropriation.

GUTFELD: OK, cultural.,..

BOLLING: Your own culture?

GUTFELD: I hate both these people equally. Cultural appropriation is a hoax. You do not own anyone's culture. In fact, I guarantee you everything that that black woman was wearing has appropriated from some other culture, made from somewhere else.

But then, white young guys with dreadlocks, it's a lifestyle on their head. You know that they drink soy milk. You know that they play drums on the beach. You know they have a Hacky Sack, and you know they have a trust fund. And you also know that they pretend like it's not a big deal, but they're dying for to you ask about their dreadlocks. And it stinks.

BOLLING: Juan, does -- does a white guy in dreadlocks offend you? Do you feel that he's appropriating your culture?

WILLIAMS: Not at all. I mean, I find it odd sometimes, and I do think it's very real. Cultural appropriation is real. But I mean, you know where I think it's real is like rap music, which I think, you know. Every time I say to people, do you know who the biggest consumers of rap music are? White people. Teenage white guys.

BOLLING: Yes.

WILLIAMS: They love it. Why do they love it? I guess it's teen rebellion or something. They say, "Oh, stereotypes about black people. I'm rebellious," and I don't know.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: ... the suburbs are -- they're appropriating black culture?

WILLIAMS: Right.

BOLLING: They're appropriating it, or they're just enjoying it?

WILLIAMS: No, they're taking it -- I think, you know, they're in their cars, and they're rapping about, you know, being oversexed and violence.

GUTFELD: What about Darius Rucker doing country music?

WILLIAMS: That's country music.

GUTFELD: He's appropriating white music.

WILLIAMS: It's a different kind of appropriation if you think of, like, Elvis or blue-eyed soul like Hall & Oates. And I love Hall & Oates.

GUTFELD: Philadelphia soul.

BOLLING: There's an origin of music that may -- every single genre may surprise you.

BILA: Yes. I mean, I like dreads. I'm a fan.

PERINO: Really?

BILA: I like them. I actually think they're really cute. But -- and it's not insulting. I don't -- I don't understand how this guy could be viewed as insulting someone. Or -- cultural appropriation sounds like something you learn in a college class when a professor doesn't, you know, want to teach actual history or anything that kids actually should come out with, so they make something up.

BOLLING: I don't know the answer to this. If I'm from the city and I wear a cowboy hat, am I appropriating the cowboy culture?

BILA: Yes.

PERINO: Not in my mind but may in them -- in their mind, maybe. I also thought the young man is so polite. He's actually -- he's really nice to her in the video.

BILA: Yes.

PERINO: He's like really -- and then he wants her to leave him alone. I feel bad for him.

GUTFELD: He wants to meet with her later and talk about this. That's the problem.

PERINO: Maybe they'll get married.

GUTFELD: Beautiful.

PERINO: That would be great.

GUTFELD: Happy ending.

BOLLING: Would he cut his dreads or keep them?

GUTFELD: He'd cut them and put them in a box and give it to her as a wedding gift.

BOLLING: All right, all right. We didn't have time for the second story, but "Special Report" anchor Bret Baier join us next. He's going to tell us about an important special -- news special he's hosting tonight on how President Obama has weakened the military and left the world more dangerous than ever. Stick around for Bret Baier.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: There's a brand-news FOX News reporting special. It's airing tonight at 10 p.m. Eastern, and you won't want to miss this one. It's called "Rising Threats, Shrinking Military." It's about obstacles our troops have been facing during the last seven years of the Obama administration.

Bret Baier sat down with three of the president's former secretaries of defense. Here's a clip of Robert Gates telling Bret about the time when the administration was deliberating whether to intervene in Libya.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BRET BAIER, FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Did you actually tell your subordinates to limit the amount of information they gave to the White House on military options available in Libya?

ROBERT GATES, FORMER U.S. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: All I said was, "I don't want any military plans or options going to the White House that I haven't seen."

BAIER: I mean , you write it a little bit more bluntly. You say, "Don't give the White House staff too much information on the military options. They don't understand it very much." That's a little blunt.

You're concerned about that.

GATES: Definitely.

BAIER: Running military operations out of the White House.

GATES: Yes, yes. The experience that we had had with that in Vietnam didn't work so well.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WILLIAMS: Bret joins us now live from Washington for more on what to expect.

Bret, congratulations. This is a hot topic, because lots of people are pointing to the Obama administration saying, our military --- you hear this during the campaign -- our military is being shrunken at the wrong time, given the terror threat. Is that right?

BAIER: Yes, Juan. I'll tell you what: we worked for months on this. And we started out with the premise, hearing from people in the military currently and former military members, experts who studied the military, that there was a deterioration that was happening, both in the size and scope of the military but also in the morale and the world, the placement of the military, use of the military in the world.

So we set out to kind of set a -- throw a wide net and talk to experts if that was, in fact, happening and all sides of it. We came back with three of four of President Obama's defense secretaries sitting down for long-form interviews in which they were blunt. You saw Secretary Gates there. We talked to Secretary Panetta, Secretary Hagel. Very blunt in some of the criticism that they have for the Obama administration and this president that they worked for.

WILLIAMS: Jedediah.

BILA: Yes, I'm just wondering, Bret, if you think there are actual implications for his legacy when it comes to this. I mean, do you think when people hear this, is something going to be revealed that will actually not only have implications for him but also for Hillary, who was part of the administration?

BAIER: Yes, I do. And you make a great point. Because on this presidential campaign, there hasn't been a ton of talk about the U.S. military. And I think this may spur some more talk about the status of where the military is.

As far as legacy, yes. I mean, you have three of four defense secretaries speaking out about problems they had, about the worry they had, about the White House running operations, specifically inside the White House and keeping the Pentagon, at some points, out of it. And defense secretaries just bluntly talking about the problems they had.

There are defenders here who say, "Listen, this president has killed more terrorists than any other. He's used the drone program effectively. He killed another one today, the al Shabaab leader in Somalia outside Mogadishu." But the use of the military is different. And there is a concern about the long-term status of the U.S. military.

WILLIAMS: Gregory.

GUTFELD: Bret, I've always thought that it's our greatness as a military force that is also our curse. We -- no matter what anybody thinks, we still have the greatest military that ever has been.

The problem is when you have a progressive in the White House who's always been educated to think that American supremacy and exceptionalism is somehow bad, it's disdainful for them to actually use something so amazing and wonderful or even to contemplate making it bigger.

BAIER: That's a good point. I think his supporters and defenders put it in different terms. But they say that, you know, he doesn't look at the military as the first tool for him, and he thinks of it as the last tool. He also doesn't -- it's not that he disrespects the men and women of the U.S. military, but it's a different perception. And there are some changes that have happened under this administration that the military will tell you have been demoralizing for them. And they go into that in great detail in this hour.

WILLIAMS: Dana Perino.

PERINO: I'm curious about something you mentioned just before. Because there's no doubt the drone program has been used and to somewhat great effect. But do any of the former secretaries talk about the need to integrate more intelligence work into the work that the DOD is doing?

Because it's one thing to kill the terrorists. It's another to try to capture them and get that information to prevent additional attacks. And I'm wondering also about their concern about what sort of situation the next commander in chief, whoever it is, whatever sort of situation they're going to inherit.

BAIER: Yes, that's two great questions. One, Secretary Hagel had a problem with the policy to close Gitmo, no matter what, and one for the intelligence aspects of the future of gathering intelligence from terrorists.

Two, yes, there is a concern about you have to get in and start changing things now. The military is sort of like an aircraft carrier. You have to start turning it if you want these changes to happen.

The president believes highly in Special Ops forces and in those Special Forces. But as far as the other elements of the U.S. military, he has not found that too high on his priority list.

WILLIAMS: Eric Bolling.

BOLLING: Hey, Bret, congratulations on the special. Great timing, by the way, with the nuclear summit going on in D.C. right now.

There's a picture of President Obama standing with the 56 members of the world leaders that -- that were there that are in attendance. He's got his fingers up like this, making the peace sign. My question is this: Based on what you've just spoken, to three of the four of his four defense secretaries, does he not get it? Does he not get the threat?

BAIER: They think that there is a disconnect there and that some of the decisions coming out of the White House are political. Some of them are specific messages that they want to send to the world about a different stance for the U.S. And, again, to hear these defense secretaries talk about it is quite -- quite stunning.

Today, you know, president is saying he's making progress on -- with this nuclear summit to try to stop nuclear material from getting in the hands of terrorists. But that's not because terrorists have not tried. Al Qaeda has tried. ISIS with chemical weapons. You have this report that ISIS members tried to surveil the Brussels nuclear facilities. This is a serious, imminent danger that I think the White House is -- is dealing with and we'll hear a little bit about today.

WILLIAMS: Well, Bret, look, congrats and thanks again.

So don't miss "Rising Threat, Shrinking Military" tonight, 10 p.m. Eastern.

Ahead, it sure is dangerous to send a text message while you're walking, but should it be illegal? That's next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BILA: Many of us are guilty of it: sending a text message while you're walking on the sidewalk or even while crossing the street. There are lots of laws that ban texting while driving. Now a New Jersey lawmaker has proposed one to outlaw texting while walking in order to reduce the number of pedestrian fatalities.

More than a third of Americans are on board with the idea, according to a new poll.

Greg, crazy, smart? Talk to me about this.

GUTFELD: You poll people about laws that ban things that they don't like, a lot of them will say yes. I don't want it banned, because I like to harass the people personally on the street when they're in front of me.

But you know what's amazing with this? You could frame people -- you could kill people with this. Let's say you're at home. You could text somebody when they're crossing the street and have your hitman run them over.

BILA: A brilliant idea.

BOLLING: Perfect crime.

GUTFELD: Perfect crime.

BILA: Brilliant idea, I might add.

PERINO: Way to bring it back to the B block.

BILA: What do you think, Dana? I mean, the people say, well, it's dangerous. Couldn't everything become dangerous?

PERINO: I saw someone the other day crossing 52nd Street. She wasn't paying attention. And a car was coming. She was on her phone texting. And a guy that was next to her, not walking with her, grabbed her by the back of the jacket and yanked her back. And I thought...

GUTFELD: It was Corey Lewandowski.

BOLLING: Did she almost fall?

PERINO: She never said she almost fell. Anyway, this woman was relieved that it had -- never mind.

BILA: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'm guilty of this, let me say, with the -- with the emojis in particular. I'm always texting. And you know the emojis, right? Are you emoji friendly, Juan?

WILLIAMS: No, I'm -- I mean, it's irritating.

BILA: You don't do this, Juan? You don't do this? You're not guilty?

WILLIAMS: No. Remember what Greg said? I don't even respond.

GUTFELD: You're so oblivious.

WILLIAMS: Really. But I'll tell you what bothers me. You're driving along. If you hit one of these suckers, you're responsible.

GUTFELD: Yes. That's true.

BILA: That's true.

BOLLING: I mean, yes, in the law, yes, probably. But you probably would be let free of that.

I'm all for laws that prohibit you from doing something that can hurt someone else. Texting while driving. You crash and hurt somebody else.

I'm against laws that prohibit you from doing things that might you hurt yourself doing. If you want to smoke, go ahead and smoke. If you want to do drugs, go ahead and knock yourself, do drugs. If you want to text while you're walking, go ahead, as long as you're not hurting somebody else.

BILA: But what if you bump into -- like, you're walking, and because you're walking and texting and not paying attention, a car swerves off the road, and then it's a domino effect? What about people that say it's just as bad as being in a car?

GUTFELD: Do you know what's worse? When you're checking out people, when you're walking down the street? How many men have been hit by cars.

BOLLING: Eating. Eating while you're driving. Eating while driving could be the second most dangerous thing. Sorry, after drinking, under the influence, texting and then eating while driving.

BILA: Yes. That's true.

GUTFELD: Crash when you're eating.

BILA: Basically we're all hazards, no matter what we do.

GUTFELD: Human -- being human is a hazard.

BILA: A hazard. All right. "One More Thing" is coming up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: "One More Thing" -- Dana.

PERINO: So I was in Austin yesterday, and I had this opportunity to go to Lonesome Dove. It's a new restaurant there, but it's not new to celebrity chef Tim Love, who I got to meet. I think we have pictures. Yes, so I got to meet him.

This restaurant is for the adventurous eater. OK. So lots of different types of meats on this platter. It was all delicious. Everybody was having a great time. A really fun thing.

And I don't know if we have other pictures of my friends. These aren't scrolling very fast. That's Luis Reyes and Brian and Catherine Streeter, who also live in Austin. And I got to also meet the governor. Governor Abbott was wonderful yesterday, and it does look like he's proposing to me. But we were -- we had a lovely chat, and I got to meet his wife later that night. And Texas, in particular Austin, the big city there, it's just such a well-run state. They're doing amazingly well, and I was glad to be there.

GUTFELD: Cool.

All right. Tomorrow night, 10 p.m., you've got "The Greg Gutfeld Show." You've got Tyrus, a great wrestler. You've got Gavin McInnes, who's a complete idiot. Wonderful idiot, anyway.

Time for this, though.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I hate these people!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: All right. I am tired of these customer loyalty cards. You know, the punch cards that people have? You've got, like, nine sandwiches, you get a tenth? I was back behind some guy at a deli who had two cards. One had four. One had five. He was trying to combine it. Ten minutes I stood behind him while he screamed and yelled, because he said that he had two cards. Keep on it one card. You don't have this problem.

All right. I'm sorry. Juan.

WILLIAMS: That's why I say just push him out of the way. Get what you want.

All right. April Fool's Day, yes, yes, yes. Jimmy Kimmel, notorious prankster that he is. And today must be his favorite holiday. Last night, Jimmy had an exclusive announcement from Donald Trump.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP (R), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: I said the craziest things I can think of.

I love the poorly educated.

I had no idea it would go this far.

April Fools, America.

I'm not really running for president. It was a joke.

So stupid it's mind-boggling. It really is.

Now go vote for my friend, Hillary Clinton.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: Oh, wow.

WILLIAMS: I like it.

BOLLING: I like that.

GUTFELD: Mr. Eric.

BOLLING: OK. Very quickly, 8 p.m. tonight, "The O'Reilly Factor" special, the fifth day of five. We're going to really bring it home. Guess what? Ted Cruz, Newt Gingrich, Ed Henry and Geraldo. We're going to break down everything. I'll ask Ted Cruz about his newfound lead in Wisconsin and also the provocative things that Donald Trump said yesterday on the show. So be sure you check that out.

GUTFELD: Jed.

BILA: This is my final installment of "Greg Gutfeld's Furry Friends Ruin (ph) the World." Just watch this parrot in action. Just watch.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Now the -- I can't get it off me! Oh, my God, can you please get it off me? It's not funny, guys. It's not funny. What if it happened in the middle of a cross (ph).

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: In the middle of a what?

BILA: You know, Brittney Kleyn, Gutfeld, a reporter for Australian Network 9, just trying to do her job, and one of your friends goes in, just perches like they're not on TV.

GUTFELD: What if that bird had -- was, like, one of those animals that had the power of reason and thought?

PERINO: It could help her.

GUTFELD: And it was trying to tell her -- she could have been...

BILA: Breaking news!

GUTFELD: It was a breaking news bird. It's just like Sanders.

BILA: That's true. So you're actually brilliant underneath all that.

GUTFELD: I don't know.

BILA: That's the motto of this story?

GUTFELD: That's very strange that they have birds like that flying around. I was in Australia once. Big giant -- just like how do they travel? Flocks of parrots!

PERINO: Was that the trip that you went on with the older lady?

GUTFELD: Yes, I did. Yes. And it was an interesting thing. And I got in a fight with a wallaby. I did.

BILA: See what I'm talking about? He's a menace. Every time.

GUTFELD: A wallaby. A wallaby. He hit me first. He did. In the woods. The wallaby hit me first, officer.

BILA: Don't let this man near the news (ph).

GUTFELD: Anyway, we're engaged.

Set your DVR so you never miss an episode of "The Five." That's it for us. Have a great weekend. "Special Report" is up next.

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