Last night's debate was like a big box of free kittens -- you really don't notice when one goes missing until one goes missing. I'll be listening to Carly and think, "What happened to Rand? Did he go out for a perm? Where did Ben Carson go? Is he sharpening his large camping knife? And what about Huckabee? Did he take a hike-abee?"
The event's structure doesn't help. The disorganized moderators, they were like parents overrun by kids at Halloween, and all they had was circus peanuts.
It's no surprise that we learned nothing. And then to add insult to injury, Jim Cramer just shows up out of nowhere. He always sounds like he's talking during a bowel movement.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JIM CRAMER, CNBC: Dr. Carson, in recent weeks, a number of pharmaceutical companies have been accused of profiteering for dramatically raising the prices of life-saving drugs. You have spent a lifetime in medicine. Have these companies gone too far? Should the government be involved in controlling some of these price increases?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
An overinflated balloon.
So if candidates aren't going to leave, and we can't force them to leave, then can I propose a new model? Let's "Five" this thing. Meaning get rid of the moderators and divide the candidates into three groups of five. Let them sit around a table, talk issues, and we listen for three one-hour programs. There we find out who they are, how they deal with people and, most important, how persuasive they can be.
Look at Lindsey Graham, a brave oddity. He'd be lost in a sea of suits, but in a small group, he kills.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIPS)
SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-S.C., PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: How about a round of applause for Boulder, Colorado? This is a beautiful place.
Looking at their academic standards, the only way I could have gotten into this university is to be invited to this debate tonight.
BECKY QUICK, MODERATOR: What are the three apps that you use most frequently on your cell phone?
GRAHAM: Number one, Fox News. Sorry about CNBC.
So to the Chinese, when it comes to dealing with me, you've got a clenched fist or an open hand. You pick. The party is over, to all the dictators. Make me commander-in-chief and this crap stops.
Good God, look who we're running against. The number one candidate on the other side thought she was flat broke after her and her husband were in the White House for eight years. The number two guy went to the Soviet Union on his honeymoon, and I don't think he ever came back. If we don't beat these people, who the hell are we going to beat?
(END VIDEO CLIPS)
Oh, man. He's Felix Unger with a machete.
Anyway, if we don't fix this thing, all we're going to get are hyperactive moderators -- never on FNC, of course -- and rushed platitudes from candidates trying in vain to be memorable. Frankly, I'd rather watch "Scandal," and "Scandal" is awful.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 9-10PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.