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The Five

What message does Pope Francis bring to America?

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," September 22, 2015. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Dana Perino along with Kimberly Guilfoyle, Juan Williams, Eric Bolling, and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5 o'clock in New York City. And this is "The Five."

Well, he's here. Pope Francis is now in America. He landed at joint -- Andrews Base -- Air Force Base in Maryland a short while ago, .and was greeted by the First Family along with Vice-President and Mrs. Biden. He has just arrived at the Vatican Embassy in Washington. The pontiff will spend six days in the U.S. visiting three cities. On Thursday, he will deliver the first ever Papal address to a Joint Meeting of Congress. And on Friday, he will address the U.N. General Assembly in New York City. He would wade once again into highly charged political debates on climate change, inequality, and immigration. Cardinal Timothy Dolan says it's the Pope's role to spread the Word of God.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CARDINAL TIMOTHY DOLAN: He's coming as a pastor, as an apostle, as an evangelist, but in terms of preaching that gospel message and handing on to us the teaching of God as revealed in Jesus Christ and the Bible. There are always implications and some of those implications are the economic and political realm. He really isn't there to please anybody. His job is to please God. There's a beautiful phrase that we use by G.K. Chesterton back in the 1930s. He said look, the role of a religious leader is to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable. He will do a little bit of both.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: For more on this historic visit, let's bring in Father Jonathan Morris, a Fox News contributor. He joins us from Washington. I will kick it off, Father Jonathan. I really loved the ceremony when the Pope arrived. I loved watching the first family. It was really good to see the children there, the first daughters, I guess we can call them. And the Pope looked like he was ready for a great Papal visit.

FATHER JONATHAN MORRIS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I would think so. He's not -- he's not a confrontational guy when it comes to personal relationships like that. I think he was just there to greet everybody, to love everybody, but as Cardinal Dolan mentioned in that clip, he will make the comfortable a little bit uncomfortable, afflicted, and that will come later.

PERINO: Eric.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Hey, Jonathan.

MORRIS: Yes.

BOLLING: The Pope is here. Yay! The Pope is here, Father.

(CROSSTALK)

MORRIS: I want to see Greg's face. He's probably not very happy.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: Is this visit pastoral or political or both?

MORRIS: He comes as a pastor. He comes as a shepherd. But it does, when you try to shepherd your flock, and they live in a very politicized world, and they have to make moral decisions, and they have to make social decisions, then there are consequences. And so when he says, for example, take care of the poor, well, how do you do that? That's the responsibility of the politicians, not the Pope, to tell them exactly, to decide how that should be done in civilized society. So I think yes, there will be political consequences.

PERINO: Juan Williams.

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: You know, Father Jonathan, I am just struck, I tell you, to the point of being moved by the idea that he's going to take time out while he's here. And everybody in Washington wants to see the Pope, right? Everybody, all the big shots want to get next to him. He's taking time out to be with people who are helped by Catholic charities, who are homeless and hungry. He's actually sitting down to lunch with people who are hungry, then he's going to this world families meeting in Philadelphia. Here in New York, he will go to a public school, a Catholic school where children attend. I just think this is -- I don't have a critical question, Father. I just think it's wonderful.

MORRIS: You know, it is wonderful. I think you bring up a great point and that is the Pope has been telling us get your hands dirty, not just in theory help the poor. Make sure that there's good trickle-down economics to help the poor. But get your hands dirty. That's not to say trickle- down economics can also help in that, but get your hands dirty. That's what he's doing.

PERINO: Kimberly Guilfoyle.

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Hi, Father Jonathan. Nice to see you.

MORRIS: Hey there. Nice to see you.

GUILFOYLE: So everyone is obviously very excited about the Pope coming and you know, he has a different background than we have seen traditionally in the past. And what do you think we can expect from him in terms of the message and the emphasis that he's going to give?

MORRIS: You know, I think he's going to talk about helping those who are most in need. I think he doesn't feel like his responsibility is to solve all the world's problems, but rather, to shepherd the flock in terms of doctrine teaching. And at the same time, give priority to helping those who can't help themselves, the ones currently who can't help themselves. Not 100 years from now or 200 years from now, but the people on the street now, helping them physically, practically, and I think that's -- he's going to be doing that in reference to the refugee crisis in Syria. He is going to talk about the persecuted Christians in Iraq, and in Syria, in the Middle East, as it has been doing for so long. He is going to be talking about a lot of these issues that are making news today.

PERINO: Greg Gutfeld, you have been waiting for this all day, Father John.

MORRIS: I can't wait, Greg. All these crazy Greg Gutfeld followers, they tell me the Pope is the devil.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Oh, that's devilishly handsome, Father, just like you are. Maybe I have two questions for you. I find it interesting that I'm witnessing a media that applauds the co-mingling of religion and politics after mocking a Kentucky clerk for doing the very same thing. I find it interesting that the media looks up at the Pope and says how wonderful he is, even though he shares the same beliefs as a woman that they mocked and demeaned over gay marriage. The other question I have.

MORRIS: Let me answer that one.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Go ahead. Sorry.

MORRIS: Let me turn that into a question and answer it.

(LAUGHTER)

MORRIS: You're exactly right. And I think the media is not -- much of the media is not going to be talking about the fact that he is against abortion, that he is against gay marriage, and he is. In fact, on the plane, just now coming from Cuba, he said something very -- somebody asked him about -- some people asking if you're even Catholic, if you are Christian. He seemed bemused and was very decisive according to this article. He said this. He said some people might say some things sounded slightly more leftish of what he's saying. But that would be a mistake of interpretation. That's pretty clear. Then he says if you want me to pray the creed, which is like the profession of faith, you know, which is not a very liberal thing, I'm willing to do it in front of you. So I think he was setting the stage. He says I'm not coming here as a leftist. I'm not coming here as a liberal. He's also saying I'm not coming here as a Republican, no doubt. But he's coming here to be a voice, a moral voice, hopefully that will bring us into the presence of God.

GUTFELD: One final question. Then I will shut up, Father. The poverty level in the United States is the same as the upper middle class level in Mexico. He's the first Latin American Pope. Shouldn't he know that fact before he lectures America on inequality?

MORRIS: Well, do we know that he doesn't know that fact?

GUTFELD: Seems like he doesn't to because he's too busy talking about the inequalities of America and the problems with capitalism.

MORRIS: Well, I don't think he's always talking about inequalities in America. I think he's talking about the inequalities around the world. He knows especially those inequalities in crony capitalism in Argentina where he's from. I think he's talking about the inequalities in Syria right now, in which a dictator has plenty of wealth and most of its population is suffering tremendously. It's the same guy, Greg, and you are going to love this as I love this, it's the same guy, Pope Francis, who told international leaders get some strength. I almost said something I shouldn't have said. Right? Be tough and use force, if necessary, to stop an unjust aggressor going after the Christians in the Middle East. It doesn't sound like a liberal to me.

GUTFELD: He does blame the Syrian refugee crisis on greed when in fact it's.

MORRIS: That's a headline. And don't you think the leadership of Syria has been pretty greedy in the way they treated their people?

GUTFELD: Well, I also see a conflict born out of religion over there, Father.

MORRIS: I agree. I don't know why I yell at you, Greg.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Because you love me, Father.

(CROSSTALK)

MORRIS: I do love you.

PERINO: I really wish, Father Jonathan, you had said you were going to say because if we would have had to bleep you on The Five, I mean.

GUILFOYLE: That would have helped you.

(CROSSTALK)

MORRIS: Don't judge me, Kimberly. You don't know what I was going to say.

(LAUGHTER)

PERINO: One more question. Do you think, it seems to me having -- when you read that statement that he just gave on the plane, how aware is he of the criticism? Does it affect his approach at all? And do you think he will recognize America's role in the world as a peacekeeper, and a generous nation, and that one of the reasons we are able to be generous is because of these economic systems that we have compared to other countries?

MORRIS: You know, it's an excellent question. I think -- I don't think he realizes it as much as we all realize it. He says he hasn't watched TV in I think he said 30 years. He reads one newspaper for about ten minutes a day, and it's an Italian newspaper. So a lot of what the procedures of other Popes were to have everything go through the Secretary of State, which is not just for international relations, but also they really were very much involved in what the Pope said and did politically based on his political consequence, et cetera. He has streamlined that. He's doing a lot of things on his own. He also goes off the cuff. He spoke to the youth in Cuba without any notes for a long period of time. He allowed them to ask him questions very directly. So I would say you know what, I don't think he's as aware as a lot of us. I think he will pick up in his time here, the greatness of the United States of America, the exceptional nature of our country based on our constitution, based on our history, based on our founding documents.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: I just wanted to point out, Pope Francis, 78 years old. He's in good health, he had his right lung removed when he was young. He's very engaged, as you pointed out -- he has engaged to the reporters on the airplane. He speaks to people when he can. Instead of a big long stretch limo, look where he is. He's in a Fiat 500. And that's his choice. He wants to do that. I would just, I get it. I understand there are issues every time he speaks, I know people are listening. I would just hope it would be a little more about right and wrong, rather than right and left. Just for awhile.

WILLIAMS: You know what, Father. Don't worry about Eric. He wants this to be political.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Thank God, wonderful that the Pope is here. He's worried that the liberals are going to celebrate.

BOLLING: No, no, no, you got it wrong. I was saying the other way.

(CROSSTALK)

WILIAMS: I'm on board with the Pope.

GUILFOYLE: You sure you're not going for a free market Pope?

WILLIAMS: Yeah. There we go.

MORRIS: In the Pope visits any one of you guys while he's here, it's going to be Greg. He goes out to the fringes, out to the periphery, he goes out to the lost sheep.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: The lepers, too.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: It really is. It's the Catholics Airbnb.

(CROSSTALK)

MORRIS: . a guest house. And when he is in Washington, I think.

GUTFELD: He can stay with me. I have an extra bedroom.

BECKEL: Dobbs is going to have to move out.

PERINO: All right. Forgive us, Father.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: And we have multiple sins. We'll see you at St. Patrick's.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Everybody is talking at once. We got to go.

We know Hollywood is the land of liberals. But is Bernie Sanders turning it into a town of socialists? The candidate has built up quite a celebrity support system. And Greg has the list next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: So look at all the cool kids flocking to Bernie Sanders. He's got Will Ferrell, Mark what's his face, Jeremy Piven, Sarah Silverman and this lady. It's a gala for the gullible. But really, all this burning love is a status marker. In an attempt to appear authentic among your peers, they perform the least authentic act ever, embracing a stupid ideology simply to appear real.

In the 1970s, Hollywood types embraced albums with singing whales.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: We couldn't use the album cover. It was stupid but at least that didn't kill anyone like other causes. But Bernie is just another kind of singing whale. A novelty used by guilt-ridden faux intellects to shame their personal trainers. You can credit historical amnesia when you forget the horrors of previous deadly strains of socialism. This one is different, you say. But it never changes. The primary engine of socialism is a force of leveling of outcomes from above through the power of punitive revenge, fueled as always by envy.

Anyway, it doesn't matter to celebs. Hell, it didn't matter when they once glorified deadly communism. So after all the prosperity that America's free market system brought them, they flock to an ideology that would have prevented such outcomes. Fact is without capitalism, there would be no Bernie Sanders. If this country had been under socialist rule, Sanders would have been chased out of town long ago. Yet, here he gets love from the intellectually empty in the land of the plenty for only the rich and naive would embrace what would crush them if they were poor.

Juan, you threw me off when you yawned in the middle of my monologue.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Because I got the message early on. I got the message early on.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Listen, he complimented himself by saying he's a quick study.

WILLIAMS: No, no, no, look, I got the message. You don't like (Susan Sarandon) who I think is terrific.

GUTFELD: I love her.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: I think she's terrific. But anyway, the point was to mock Will Farrell and all these numbskulls for embracing Bernie Sanders, right?

GUTFELD: I wasn't mocking anybody.

WILLIAMS: I was thinking to myself aren't these guys who were saying they are so excited about Bernie Sanders knocking down Hillary Clinton a minute ago. Weren't you saying that?

GUTFELD: You can hold both beliefs. We all have brains that can hold different thoughts.

WILLIAMS: I see. I see.

GUTFELD: Yeah, we are all not like other people. Eric, you can only embrace socialism if you're rich, correct?

BOLLING: This is the thing that drives me crazy. All these liberal Hollywood elites are like yeah, we need to be really liberal, you know, save the planet, save everybody. And then they push even further into the Bernie Sanders realm. Bernie Sanders is willing. He would be willing to tax high earners up to 90 percent. Think about that, you dumb you-know- what celebs. Your $20 million salaries for a film are down to $2 million. Think about that. Your million dollars, down to $100,000 for a film. I know you can live on it, but you will be the first ones crying I got to go somewhere else where there's lower taxes once that tax bill comes in.

GUTFELD: Yeah. They will go to Canada like they always do. They will film their movies, and then talk about how liberal they are.

PERINO: They should be willing then to give up their state-based tax breaks that have not done anything for the states where they have been, in Michigan, North Carolina.

GUTFELD: Isn't this a status symbol though, just to say you're for him?

PERINO: It's pretty interesting that they are publicly wanting to say they are not for Hillary.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: OK.

GUILFOYLE: That's a more interesting aspect of it. She's right. Because otherwise, this is just a joke. Let's be honest. If they thought this bozo had any chance of winning the Presidency of the United States, is my passport updated? Check and out of here because they don't want 90 percent of their income going to the government.

WILLIAMS: Or they figure out a way to make sure the check was sent to Canada, cashed in Canada, and spent back here.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: It's so disingenuous and it's irresponsible. You know, it's a failed system that has really just created abject poverty throughout the world.

PERINO: It also could be that they realize Hillary Clinton is not a good- enough candidate.

GUTFELD: Yeah.

GUILFOYLE: Vote for Biden.

WILLIAMS: You know what, I think you're right about what's most interesting is that they're not backing Hillary. I think that's without a doubt. But I think it's because they see themselves as the leftist base of the party and they are willing to stand out and they want it to be known to their followers. I don't think this is without.

GUILFOYLE: Well, they think they are the moral conscience. That's the thing.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: But I will say this. Warren Buffett is no crazy lib-left. He thinks we should pay higher taxes.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Because he always has been.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: But I'm saying there's a capitalist, a businessman. Right?

BOLLING: No. He just made a lot of money.

WILLIAMS: Oh, he's not a capitalist?

BOLLING: He's nowhere near a capitalist.

WILLIAMS: Why?

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: He's made a lot of money in the markets.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: I wouldn't call neither one of them.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: How are you a successful businessman and not a capitalist?

BOLLING: None of the things they ascribe to or believe in or push for are capitalistic things in the free market. Higher taxes, redistribution of wealth. These aren't capitalism ideas.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: You are in the middle, Greg.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Good job, bully.

GUTFELD: Ahead, Ben Carson held a news conference earlier and readdressed the controversy over his recent remarks about having a Muslim in the White House one day, one day. You will hear it next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUILFOYLE: For the last 48 hours, Ben Carson has been pummeled with questions about his comment on Meet The Press regarding Muslims and the presidency. He addressed the controversy again today saying his remarks were taken out of context.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BEN CARSON, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: It seems to be hard for people to actually hear English and understand it. I said I would support anyone regardless of their background if in fact, they embraced American values. This theoretical issue about Muslims, it is not an important issue.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: Not being pummeled with questions, Hillary Clinton. You might remember her campaign started the (birth of rumors) back in 2008 when the Democratic presidential primary was slipping away from her.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You said you take Senator Obama at his word that he's not a Muslim. You don't believe that he's a Muslim.

(CROSSTALK)

HILLARY CLINTON: No. No. There is nothing to base that on as far as I know.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: As far as she knew. This was fun. I really enjoyed that. So, Bolling, you are making some faces there.

BOLLING: I want to applaud Dr. Carson. He's 100 percent right. He clarified the statement that maybe was a little bit foggy when he first said it. I disagreed with his constitutionality of what -- part of what he said, but I agree completely, live by God's law in your personal life, governed by man's law specifically the Constitution. And he himself said he would support anyone that he believed in as long as the constitution superseded any other document. Look, he said it, liberals, left-leaning media.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Do you think he handled this well today?

BOLLING: They can twist it any way they want, but that's what he said.

GUILFOYLE: Dana, as this issue -- the story has evolved, how do you see it now in terms of how he's handled it and his rhetoric on it?

PERINO: I think he's righted the ship. Look, from your opening, it's true. If you are a conservative or Republican candidate in this race, you have to be so much better and on target than if you are Hillary Clinton because she hasn't given as many interviews. That means there's less opportunities. And I think a lot of media would say oh, OK, but that was back in March of 2008. But I do think it gets to the content of the character, right. I don't understand why she doesn't just throw some former campaign staffer under the bus for circulating the e-mail. But as you saw in the 60 Minutes piece, she said as far as I know, as if she was just raising questions. They wanted it out there a little bit, because they were in dire straight and desperate leading into the Iowa caucuses last time around -- two times around, 2008.

GUILFOYLE: So yeah, 2008, they birthed the (birther issue).

GUTFELD: Yeah. Well, to your point, as a conservative, the target on your back is created by the media and it's huge. So you have to learn how to shrink your target without changing who you are. You still have to Ben Carson but you have to make sure that they can't get you for things. By the way, the left has been doing this for years. They can take detestable notions and beliefs, and repaint them as compassion. So that something like abortion which is a denial of rights to a baby becomes a preservation of rights for women. Last night, you saw what was trending on Twitter. Shout your abortion.

GUILFOYLE: Right.

GUTFELD: We are sitting here, talking about a statement about Muslims in the White House while we have an entire generation of people shouting their abortion which is crazy. You did bring up Hillary Clinton. I got this pen, it's Hillary's face. Check this out.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: I like the fact the mouth moves.

GUTFELD: I know. I know.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: You need to update the haircut.

GUTFELD: I think it looks beautiful.

GUILFOYLE: And the hair color. Good God, it's gray.

GUTFELD: It's a pen, Kimberly. It's not 100 percent perfect.

GUILFOYLE: However, the laugh was remarkably on target.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Unbelievable. I love it.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: I want to ask a quick follow-up question. Do you think that ultimately the way he's explained it now, do you think there was anything wrong with what Ben Carson had to say to begin with?

GUTFELD: Me? I think he could have stated it better. And he can't just be correct. You've got to be persuasively correct.

WILLIAMS: Well, there was no way he was persuasively correct. I mean, unless I'm misunderstanding something, he said he not vote for a Muslim to be president of the United States. That's what he said.

BOLLING: No, he didn't.

WILLIAMS: I think that's what he said.

GUILFOYLE: That's not what he said.

WILLIAMS: But we can check the record. It's nothing puzzling here.

GUILFOYLE: Somebody that, you know, abided by Sharia Law, he did not follow the Constitution, and somebody who wanted to support a theocracy. Anybody would support a theocracy is limited to Muslims or Islamic law.

WILLIAMS: Look, if there's anybody that I personally -- you know, Ben's a friend so I'm just going to say...

GUILFOYLE: You're not acting like it.

WILLIAMS: Well, I'm not going to defend somebody if they say something...

GUTFELD: Remember, Juan got in trouble for the same thing.

WILLIAMS: I did. Let me just say -- and let me just say, the problem around this table is that it's not that the press created this problem. My God, you know, there's a real issue going back to Donald Trump and going back to the fact that so many people in the Republican Party still think Obama's a Muslim.

GUTFELD: Yes, but...

GUILFOYLE: But that's not what Ben Carson said.

PERINO: Remember when the media told us no one would vote for a Mormon?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: I mean, that was a story line for a long time in 2010. That evangelicals wouldn't...

BOLLING: Or Catholic. Or Roman Catholic.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: How about in the election, back to Al Smith?

GUILFOYLE: Juan.

WILLIAMS: I mean, it was Catholics. We still haven't had a Jewish president. We have had a woman president. So I mean, that kind of thinking, you know, it just -- it's off-putting.

GUILFOYLE: OK. Well, anyway, but with friends like you, I don't know. Poor Ben Carson. I mean, he never said that Obama was a Muslim.

WILLIAMS: I didn't say that. I said...

GUILFOYLE: But you tagged that onto your sentence.

WILLIAMS: ... he said he would not vote for a Muslim. He didn't think a Muslim should be president of the United States. That's what he said, Kimberly.

GUILFOYLE: I think you got de-friended by Ben Carson.

WILLIAMS: OK. All right.

GUILFOYLE: You should check after the show.

WILLIAMS: All right.

GUILFOYLE: Still to come on "The Five," "The Fastest Seven," featuring a late-night musical performance by Carly Fiorina and more. Stay tuned.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: Hillary Clinton has been doing a string of TV interviews as part of a campaign to repair her image with the American voter. So did this answer help?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Knowing you don't engage in phony makeovers, give us three words that is the real Hillary Clinton. Just three.

HILLARY CLINTON (D), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: Just three. I can't possibly do that. I mean, look, I am a real person with all the pluses and minuses that go along with being that. And I've been in the public eye for so long that I think, you know, it's like the feature that you see in some magazines sometimes, real people actually go shopping. You know?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WILLIAMS: Greg, show us that pen again.

GUTFELD: I'm not joking. This is amazing.

WILLIAMS: Especially it fit that -- that piece of tape.

GUTFELD: Well, here's the thing. When you need to say, "I'm a real person," we suspect that you aren't. It reminds me of the replicant scene in "Bladerunner," where the replicant, the alien is trying to convince Harrison Ford that he -- she's not a robot through this Voight-Kampff test. It's amazing.

My smartphone has more personality than her, and this is an iPhone 5.

GUILFOYLE: I'm so sorry for you.

PERINO: You are so lame.

GUTFELD: I know.

GUILFOYLE: You have an iPhone 5?

GUTFELD: I have an iPhone 5. It's a company phone.

GUILFOYLE: Wait. Do you want my old iPhone 6?

GUTFELD: Yes, please.

WILLIAMS: Oh, you have an old 6?

GUILFOYLE: Absolutely not.

BOLLING: You can't take your sim card out of those, right? You may not want to do that.

GUILFOYLE: What do you mean?

BOLLING: Anyway.

WILLIAMS: Wait, wait. Let me ask Dana. Dana, so she says, "You know what? People think I'm so wooden and I'm not authentic, and they think I'm not an outsider." But she says there cannot be more of an outsider than Hillary Clinton and a woman president. Would you agree?

PERINO: I could see where people that support her and women that are in her camp and that her fans of hers would say that's right; it's time for a woman to be in the White House because women do bring a different perspective. You have two of them here and obviously, we're bringing great perspective to "The Five."

GUILFOYLE: That's correct.

PERINO: Here's what I think. If you've been in the public eye for that long and you really want to win this election, you have to be able to think on your feet.

That answer that she gave, "I'm a real person," and the laugh was basically a pause while her brain tried to come up with three words that could describe herself. And that's just something that's very basic in a campaign. You do a little drill like that in the car on the way to the interview. My three words, if I were her, I would have said, "Patriot, wise, grandmother." Done.

WILLIAMS: You're very smart.

PERINO: But yet, she has smart people around her. She should be able to think on her feet.

WILLIAMS: Remember they asked Ted Kennedy why he wanted to be president? He couldn't -- he got stuck. He froze.

PERINO: Yes. You've got to be able to close the deal.

WILLIAMS: Now, you've been -- you've been chomping at the bit to tell me something.

BOLLING: No, no. I just wanted to know if there's any way I could download that laugh onto my iPhone so I can use it as my alarm clock.

WILLIAMS: Well, you have to buy it. You have to buy it.

BOLLING: I'm telling you, if I heard that in the morning, I'm right out of bed.

PERINO: You'd wake up before it went off. To turn it off beforehand.

GUILFOYLE: Get your heart rate up. It would, like, frighten you.

BOLLING: What are they doing? Why did they even put her on these shows when they know stuff like this happens? You need to hide her.

GUILFOYLE: Because somebody told her she has a funny laugh. And now it's like Cackle Express. So scary.

BOLLING: No. No, someone told her she has to get out and get humor and heart back into the campaign. What -- wow.

WILLIAMS: That's...

BOLLING: And then to claim she's an outsider? OK, she's the first -- she could be the first woman president, but you're an outsider? A Clinton is an outsider? Come on.

WILLIAMS: Hey, well, that's the rap. Right.

GUILFOYLE: They're at the center of the vortex of the inside game. I've got news for you.

WILLIAMS: That's not news. That's a fact. I agree, I agree.

But let me -- let me just say, I have something of a test for you. A handwriting test. Here's -- I want you to look at these handwriting samples and see how the American people looked at them. Here's Hillary Rodham Clinton.

PERINO: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Now do you know what people said about this?

PERINO: It was an expert at handwriting analysis.

GUTFELD: Yes. Are we going to do astrological signs after this?

GUILFOYLE: I mean, what is this? You know, I'm a Pisces. A Scorpio, whatever...

WILLIAMS: In fact, this plays to what Eric was saying. Because it says this is a person who needs a lot of control, Eric.

BOLLING: Yes.

WILLIAMS: She's not a loosey-goosey kind of person.

GUILFOYLE: I think that's accurate, though.

BOLLING: She has it. That's what they are. They're insiders. They control everything.

WILLIAMS: What about Jeb Bush? What would you say to Jeb Bush?

GUILFOYLE: What would I say about his name?

WILLIAMS: Yes. About his handwriting. There it is.

GUILFOYLE: I think it's a nice signature. Don't you?

WILLIAMS: Well, it says here he wants to stand on his own two feet. So it speaks to the dynasty thing.

PERINO: Why? Because big "J"?

GUILFOYLE: Yes, and then the "B" is smaller than the "J."

WILLIAMS: All right. Here's Ben Carson's signature.

GUILFOYLE: He also goes by Jeb on his signs. Jeb.

GUTFELD: Wait. Wait, wait. Can we do body language next? This is exciting.

PERINO: Yes, you can. Actually -- actually, people like this.

GUILFOYLE: Where is O'Reilly?

PERINO: Where's Ben Carson?

WILLIAMS: I was going to say, put up Ben Carson.

PERINO: Terrible handwriting.

WILLIAMS: There's Ben Carson.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God. Even his signature is gorgeous. Ben is so dreamy.

WILLIAMS: Is that right?

GUILFOYLE: Yes. He needs to be on, like, "Gray's Anatomy."

WILLIAMS: All right, all right. But it says that he fears abandonment, Greg. That's what that says.

GUTFELD: Wow.

WILLIAMS: But the best one was Chris Christie. It said Chris Christie really has a deep interest in baseball. Who knew? Anyway...

BOLLING: Baseball, from that?

WILLIAMS: That's what they said. Chris Christie.

BOLLING: Have you seen the -- well, never mind.

WILLIAMS: All right. Still to come, an ex-hedge funder is facing intense backlash after his company bought the rights to a life-saving drug and then raised the price of it more than 5,000 percent. He defends it.

GUILFOYLE: What?

WILLIAMS: The move is next.

GUILFOYLE: What's this?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BOLLING: Welcome back. Time for...

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GRAPHIC: Fastest 7

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: ... "The Fastest Seven Minutes on Television." Three whimsical stories, seven whirlwind minutes, one willful host.

First up, meet the most hated man on the Internet right now. The greedy CEO with a patent to an AIDS drug. Greedy CEO jacks up price of pill 5,000 percent. The results seem -- seem horribly improper.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why was it necessary to raise the price of Daraprim so drastically?

MARTIN SHKRELI, CEO, TURING PHARMACEUTICALS: Well, it depends on how you define so drastically, because the drug was unprofitable at the former price. So any company selling it would be losing money. And at this price it's a reasonable profit, not excessive at all.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You see how greedy this move looks.

SHKRELI: Yes, I could see how it looks greedy, but I think there's a lot of altruistic properties to it.

There's no doubt I'm a capitalist. I'm trying to create a big drug company, a successful drug company, a profitable drug company. We're trying to flourish, but we're also -- our first and primary stakeholders are patients.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: Now I say be careful before you call this guy -- for this guy's head. It's the free market that provides the profit motive that entices drug companies to risk their own money to discover cures for diseases.

Now think about this for one second. God help us if we left that to the government.

Dana, you -- where are you on this Turing CEO jacking up the price 5,000 percent?

PERINO: Well, I think that this issue is so complicated it's hard for me to believe that we're actually trying to do it in "The Fastest Seven," because you can't explain it in 10 seconds, though you did a pretty good job there.

I do think that Hillary Clinton, who automatically came out, denounced him and said she's going to call for price gouging -- she's going to deal with prescription drug companies as president, that you have to ask her, "So is Obamacare working or not working?" Because the distortions in the market are a huge problem.

I think -- I don't understand charging people for a drug that's already on the market. You want research and development for the future, so I think he has more answering to do, but it's complicated.

BOLLING: So point -- this is an important point. That that drug already went off patent. And he picked it up. It was cheap. He raised the price. If it's so valuable, someone else will come in and compete.

WILLIAMS: Yes, but the point was, I think it's a 62-year-old drug.

BOLLING: Yes.

WILLIAMS: So he has now simply taken advantage of the fact that he could get it and...

BOLLING: And no one else wanted it.

WILLIAMS: And he is taking advantage of people who need the drug.

BOLLING: No one else wanted it. No one else wanted it. There could be a generic equivalent that will come out. If it stays at whatever it is, $750 per pill, there will be an equivalent.

GUTFELD: There's an -- you can defend the industry on this side, which is that you need to make huge profits on a tiny percentage of working drugs that ends up funding the research, because it's a crapshoot when it comes to drugs. Let's face it: only a few of them ever make it, so they lose a lot of money.

Price controls are not going to save -- stop this. What we have to do is get rid of the regulations that slow the development. It takes ten years, $10 billion -- thank you, John Stossel, for that fact -- to get approved by the FDA. You read -- you work that, then you don't need this.

This guy does come off as kind of skeevy, though.

BOLLING: No doubt. No doubt.

GUILFOYLE: He's probably skeevy, but it went from $13.50 a pill to, what, $750 a tab?

BOLLING: Yes.

WILLIAMS: That's a bit much.

GUILFOYLE: Come on.

BOLLING: Again...

GUILFOYLE: I understand what you're saying. I understand what you're saying. He took advantage of a situation. That's how the free market works. He did it; he's got it. People want it. He's going to get it.

BOLLING: All right. Let's do this. I've got to move on. The day after the debate, the last debate, we all agreed Carly Fiorina did great, probably won it. Many of us also suggested that the only thing missing from a flawless performance was a little levity.

Ladies and gentlemen, some Fiorina-style levity, delivered with style.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CARLY FIORINA (R), PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE (singing): My name's Snick, and I'm lazy. Please don't take a walk with me. I'd rather stay right here at home instead. I want to lie back down in my big, warm bed. My name's Snick, and you're going to have to carry me.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: All right.

PERINO: Very cute. Here's another thing. Over 50 percent of Americans have a pet at home. Everybody knows what it's like to make up a song about their dog.

GUILFOYLE: Sing the Jasper song.

PERINO: I have several Jasper songs. I'll save them for later.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my goodness.

BOLLING: But that was what we were looking for. Right? A little fun.

GUILFOYLE: Yes.

PERINO: You can't really sing a song about your dog in the debate.

GUILFOYLE: I know, but you know what? That was really good. She actually can carry a tune. I thought it was -- I was nervous at first, like, "Oh, my God. Oh, my God." But then people are clapping. She was on the money.

BOLLING: Gregory.

GUTFELD: I confess I write a lot of songs about Captain Delicious, my ferret. Hard to find things that rhymes with ferret.

GUILFOYLE: I thought it was Sparkle.

GUTFELD: He loves his carrots.

By the way, I found this to be reprehensible, because she was clearly lip- syncing. And I -- that's just terrible.

PERINO: Did you write it on the merits?

BOLLING: So before we go on, Juan, Hillary is watching that saying, "Wow, so that's how you are spontaneous. That's how you're fun. That's how you're cool."

WILLIAMS: Yes, yes, boy. If Hillary Clinton had done something that ridiculous, you guys would have been all over it.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: It isn't that ridiculous.

WILLIAMS: No, no, no. The mockery.

GUTFELD: That's right.

PERINO: Wait. You guys, she doesn't do anything but ridiculous.

BOLLING: How about this? There's some good Starbucks news. Today, the coffee chain launched their mobile order and pay app nationwide. Use a smartphone to order a few minutes before, and when you arrive your coffee will be waiting for you, when you arrive.

Now K.G., we spent way too much time waiting in those Starbucks lines.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my gosh, yes. And I had a little snapshot of me this morning. Because when I got that pitch, I took the picture of me in line all the way back. And I'm like, "Oh, my God." Takes forever.

Really?

BOLLING: What time?

GUILFOYLE: So anyway, the point is then I got -- I was trying to download it. But I was ready. By the time I did, it was to the front of the line. And they told me, yes, it's available. Update on your app saying that you have the one where you pay. Right? The Starbucks app. All you have to do is update under the app store. Because it's actually built in already.

WILLIAMS: I want to know if it works.

BOLLING: Yes, that's a good point.

GUILFOYLE: No, it does. Then I tried it out. You can even get your sandwich if you want the little zesty black bean salad, and you want, like, a little caramel macchiato. You can have that. Whatever you want.

BOLLING: Can you imagine being a Starbucks barista with mobile apps inline?

GUTFELD: But it's great. You don't have to deal with people any more, which is what this is all about. Because we hate humanity. I want to know if you can preorder ahead to use their bathroom? Because that's really what Starbucks is about. You come up with a crap app.

GUILFOYLE: That's so bad. Did you beep him?

GUTFELD: No. It's an app. A bathroom app, a bap.

GUILFOYLE: Terrible.

PERINO: There is an app that will tell you where the nearest bathroom is. Sean should have done it.

PERINO: I downloaded it when I first moved to New York.

WILLIAMS: Didn't you say that it was going to create lots of jobs? Lots and lots of jobs?

BOLLING: Yes.

WILLIAMS: And so you see, Dana was worried here because she told me last time I was out at La Guardia. She said, "Juan, you notice you don't even have to talk to a waitress anymore. You just order on the computer, right?"

BOLLING: You know what it is, though? Automation.

GUILFOYLE: You know what else it is?

BOLLING: You can order that in advance. It can be ready for you.

GUILFOYLE: "One More Thing."

BOLLING: And you need fewer people

GUILFOYLE: I already did it.

BOLLING: You do "One More Thing"?

GUILFOYLE: Yes, I did.

GUTFELD: She's a "One More Thing" thief.

GUILFOYLE: Go.

BOLLING: She said it already.

GUILFOYLE: "One More Thing" is next. "One More Thing."

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: It's time now for "One More Thing" -- Gutfeld.

GUTFELD: So everybody knows Dennis Prager. He's a wonderful guy. He's got this great thing called Prager University. And he invites people to come and do almost like a lesson. And he asked me to do this on how do you explain conservativism to people who aren't conservatives. It's called "How to Be Right." Let's play some of it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Why are you right? Yes, you, conservative person. I think it's so important that I wrote a book about it, "How to Be Right: The Art of Being Persuasively Correct." It is a more practical, generous and compassionate way to live.

We conservatives also focus on what we can fix and accept what we cannot, which is one of the many reasons we're not obsessed over global warming. With radical Islam, we know what the threat is and that it's a lot worse than a few missing polar bears. I know that makes me sound mean. Sorry, polar bears.

Liberals may seem to have more fun, and many do. But according to polls, they aren't as happy as conservatives.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So you can go to PragerUniversity.com and check it out. They've got great stuff on there.

PERINO: I like it.

OK. I have something fun. This is Jasper's first GoPro experience. We were in Quag (ph) other the weekend. Quag (ph), a little town, a little village.

GUILFOYLE: I thought you said you were going to East Hampton.

PERINO: I did then. Want to see Jasper's GoPro? Here you go.

GUILFOYLE: Totally far apart.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(MUSIC)

(JASPER PLAYING ON BEACH WITH ANOTHER DOG)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: No, Greg, I didn't put it to music. A young lady, a young woman, a teenager named Simone -- I'm sorry, Simon Nichols is the mother. Sophia Nichols is the -- she gets all the credit. And her brother William helped put it together. And we -- we all loved this. And that's lily. You totally screwed me up. I'm sorry. Sophia. I'm sorry for Greg.

GUILFOYLE: That was very, very cute.

GUTFELD: It was cute.

GUILFOYLE: And I liked the music.

PERINO: That was good, right?

BOLLING: OK. So a little lesson in political gamesmanship. Dump bad news or controversial news on Friday nights or when there's big news going on in the world. The pope is here. So look what happened just a few minutes ago.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CLINTON: I think it is imperative that we look at the Keystone Pipeline as what I believe it is, a distraction from the important work we have to do to combat climate change and, unfortunately, from my perspective, one that interferes with our ability to go forward to deal with all the other issues. Therefore, I oppose it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: Please.

BOLLING: So that's what happened. She just opposed the Keystone Pipeline. Two days ago, she said she wasn't. She said she was going to wait until she was president to make an announcement.

GUILFOYLE: She hates American jobs?

BOLLING: The reason -- the real reason this went down -- take a look at this guy right here. Tom Steyer, the billionaire environmentalist, who said this just after she made the announcement. He said it's a clear example of people in power overcoming the special interests. Now he is the special interest...

PERINO: You're kidding.

BOLLING: ... signed (ph) chairman of special interests.

PERINO: Do you know what would have been better? Is that they should have asked Tom Steyer not to say anything at all. That would have been better.

GUILFOYLE: They made it look so obvious. It's like you didn't have to connect the dots.

BOLLING: How much is the check that Steyer is now sending to Hillary Clinton?

GUILFOYLE: She doesn't want to lose any more liberals.

WILLIAMS: All the people on the right are forgiven.

GUILFOYLE: Let's do a little -- river dancing, shall we? Remember "Riverdance?" Michael Flatley, he's amazing. Well, he's set to retire. He's 57 years old. But he's going to make a special appearance on Broadway in "Lord of the Dance: Dangerous Games" at New York's Lyric Theatre. During its run from November 7 through January 3. I think Greg is going to want to go. Because it features holographs, dancing robots, and acrobats...

PERINO: And leprechauns?

GUILFOYLE: It should have some leprechauns. Little Irish dancers coming out, and then he comes out at the end. Boom, boom, boom.

WILLIAMS: All right.

PERINO: Juan.

WILLIAMS: So we're having guerilla grid lock on the East Coast. Because the pope is here and guess what? The president of China is coming. We've got big concerts. So this is Washington, Philadelphia, New York. It's unbelievable. So unbelievable that guess what? Someone at Change.org asked the pope to bless the subway system in D.C., because they just had a big fire and it broke down.

PERINO: Not a bad idea.

WILLIAMS: Things are out of control.

PERINO: All right. That's it for us. "Special Report" is next.

GUILFOYLE: Next.

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