This is a rush transcript from "The Five," November 20, 2014. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Wasn't working anymore. Hello, everyone. I'm Greg Gutfeld, along with Kimberly Guilfoyle, Bob Beckel, Eric Bolling and she part times as the monopoly game piece, it's Dana Perino. This is "The Five."
If you're against the president's action on immigration, you're obviously a selfish jerk. You hate foreigners, babies, foreigner's babies. But what of its selfless supporters? Oh, look at them:
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DICK DURBIN, SENATE MAJORITY WHIP: The Republicans who are criticizing the president for this executive action ignore the fact that 11 previous presidents have done exactly the same thing.
JENNIFER PALMIERI, ASSISTANT TO PRESIDENT OBAMA: It doesn't tear up the Constitution, and you will see that it doesn't --
NANCY PELOSI, HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES MINORITY LEADER: President has great authority in the law to take these actions and great precedent of so many presidents.
We have the business communities, the bibles and we have the badges -- law enforcement -- saying, let's do this right.
(END VIDEO CLIPS)
GUTFELD: Please. This isn't about what's right, it's about power. Democrats would grant a bag of Cheetos amnesty if it won elections. Of course, The New York Times calls Obama's executive action, a triumph of "lawful order over chaotic status quo." But, will they feel the same if in 2017 president walker pulls us similar power move like fracking Martha's Vineyard? The media loves executive action when it's their guy.
We know immigration helps America: good, honest people, please come. The problem, saying stay to millions without closing the doors after, leads to repeat business. Who knows, maybe if we enforced our laws, Mexico might ask why their citizens are fleeing? If I was their president, I wonder why I only see my citizens from behind.
So hooray for "Dreamers," but what of the doers, those legal immigrants who followed the law waited in line, filled out papers, went to interviews and wrote checks? Ever been to an immigration office? The air is stale, the lines crawl, the music is always Maroon Five. So who speaks for those people? Not Obama, he only acts on two things: a phony crisis, when he claims something's broken, and a real crisis when he inevitably breaks something. No wonder he doesn't mind being called emperor:
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIPS)
JOSH EARNEST, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: We've heard this kind of rhetoric about lawlessness from the House Republicans for some time, I know that their most recent statement referred to "Emperor Obama."
It's something that Republicans are critical of and that's, you know, maybe criticism that the president wears with a badge of honor.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So he wears the title emperor as a "badge of honor," maybe because it's all he's wearing, America.
GUTFELD: Emperor without clothes kind of thing going on there.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Nobody could tell him?
GUTFELD: No, yeah. Nobody could tell him.
BOLLING: No one actually could tell him.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: The audience understood the joke.
GUTFELD: Yes, thank you. Thank you, I need -- I was trying to spell out of it. You know what? Forget it. This segment's over.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Because you're smart.
BOLLING: Some of the people watched me I was trying to help them out.
GUILFOYLE: You were acting it out, you're like.
BOLLING: You know the emperor has no clothes. Don't tell the emperor that he has no --
BOLLING: Excuse me emperor you have no clothes.
PERINO: I think that's a crazy statement.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: I played that role.
BECKEL: In a play once.
GUTFELD: That wasn't a play. That was a weekend at somebody's house.
BECKEL: Oh, it was. OK, sorry.
GUILFOYLE: That was someone's worst nightmare.
PERINO: OK, weekend at Beckel.
GUTFELD: Yes -- yeah, he's barely alive.
GUTFELD: Dana, you were saying what a ridiculous comment.
PERINO: No, I said I thought it was a crazy comment.
PERINO: Is that the same thing? It might be. I don't know -- I know when you're standing at the podium, it is -- it maybe, is that was supposed to be a flip comment? I don't think it necessary, they don't -- maybe take themselves that seriously.
PERINO: I don't think -- it also just this is.
GUILFOYLE: You would never have said that.
PERINO: I would never say that.
PERINO: I'd never -- I'm speechless.
GUTFELD: You are. And that is rare.
PERINO: This is not good since, I'm supposed to be on a TV show.
GUTFELS: Yeah, you're paid to talk, so you're fired.
PERINO: I try not to be critical of them. I just feel like they put all their chips on crazy town responses today.
GUTFELD: Yes, Eric, what about The New York Times, do you think defending Republican pulling the same kind of executive action or any similar king.
BOLLING: I can't -- can I have a little time with Bob?
GUTFELD: Please do.
BOLLING: Bob, what in this -- what make you think.
BOLLING: President Obama can grant amnesty to 5 million people? And I'm holds the constitution right now, before you answer.
BECKEL: You of you are murderer.
BOLLING: Oh, OK. So it's article 2 -- there when in this side, Article 2 section 1 and this is it, the executive power shall be vested in the President of the United States of America. That's the extent that with -- at which President Obama is now using the constitution to say, he can do this. I don't see where it says he can change a law, where he can legislate, he can unilaterally say I want 5 million people to be legal, even though they're already broken the law. What if, what if he decides it's 20 million?
BECKEL: Well, well.
BOLLING: Try not -- why not, why stop at five?
BECKEL: First of all, you know all immigration is funded by fees, not by the congress of the United States, it's number one. Because Republicans are specifically are out front trying to get -- because they already cut it.
BOLLING: Specifically, can you just tell me where -- just to show me where.
BECKEL He has the right to.
BOLLING: We have to know this.
BECKEL: He has the right to pardon anybody.
BOLLING: Where to lead this. Because I read it and I went through it.
BECKEL: He has the right to pardon anybody -- anybody.
GUTFELD: Wait. Let me.
BOLLING: It's the blanket pardoning, the -- now we're gonna call what it is.
GUILFOYLE: This isn't pardoning.
BECKEL: Let's -- look.
BOLLING: It's pardoning 5 million people.
BECKEL: Yesterday, yesterday, you all came back with a very weak response about the Republicans saying that Reagan and Bush did not do this.
GUTFELD: No, you didn't listen.
BECKEL: No, no, I listened. When you didn't listen they were talking about 11.
BECKEL: Different presidents in a row. The fact that matter is what Bush did and what Reagan did was to say, alright we missed it, the congress missed it, they should put the famous in these people.
GUTFELD: But they were working with congress. That's the difference Bob. They were working in conjunction to congress.
BECKEL: And what Obama did was.
GUTFELD: He's not.
BECKEL: It was -- in the same vein was to take these people and put them in, because the congress of the United States is dysfunctional, of course it's in the hands of Republicans, that's an oxymoron but.
GUTFELD: They work for awhile there --
BOLLING: It's not even -- Oh, God, Oh my God.
GUTFELD: It's not even -- who was in charge for in the beginning?
BOLLING: So that ObamaCare.
BECKEL: It passed it, passed it, passed it, the Republicans refused to pass it.
GUTFELD: He's a lone wolf litigator.
GUILFOYLE: And what he did do with in both houses? Please, crazy, crazy town.
GUTFELD: President Obama is a lone wolf litigator. There's -- he's not working with congress, he's working on his own, that's the difference between Reagan and Bush.
BECKEL: Why -- you know at certain, certain points, wow. I don't know about that, but at the -- certain points you have to say, that when you're trying to work with congress, you look at this congress, you can't work with them, that means you have to try everything within the law to go around them.
GUILFOYLE: Bob, Can I just add something?
BECKEL: And this is the law.
GUILFOYLE: As the president of the United States, why is he doing this? What's the reason behind this?
BECKEL: Because he's got the right to do it.
GUILFOYLE: Does it -- but is it supported by the will of the American people? Is he listening to the voters.
BECKEL: Because he is.
GUILFOYLE: The taxpayers.
GUILFOYLE: The legal immigrants?
BECKEL: You know if you ask to describe.
GUILFOYLE: Has only -- yeah. Only 38 percent supported.
BECKEL: The American people yesterday, the poll what you said, that 48 percent of the people opposed executive action.
GUILFOYLE: Correct. 38 who support.
BECKEL: If you put on that poll that these people that would stay, have got kids who are here, who are among dream group or kids who were born here, that I think that the support would go way, way up. Look, the underlying poll numbers here said, that people support the idea of immigration.
GUTFELD: Yeah, of course. But that's not immigration, that's granting amnesty to people who came here illegally, that's different.
BECKEL: By the way, you rap on your monologue said, what about the poor people who were gather in line in the restaurant.
BECKEL: These will get behind them.
GUTFELD: How do we know? Or they gonna get benefits?
BOLLING: No, they don't.
BECKEL: Of course they do.
GUILFOYLE: Where are you getting that from?
BOLLING: No, they don't. They probably don't.
BOLLING: Because, they're not being deported. They're absolutely not being deported now. Now, the law breakers.
GUILFOYLE: You understand that -- yeah.
BECKEL: They will not getting to citizens before the others.
BOLLING: So, you mean to say.
GUTFELD: My wife had to do all of this stuff before she came to the United States, had to do it all.
BOLLING: You're gonna say, he's granting the pardon of the 5 million people.
GUILFOYLE: And marry you.
GUTFELD: And marry me.
BOLLING: Is that what are you saying?
BECKEL: Somebody is doing this.
BECKEL: His granting them the right to stay in this country.
BOLLING: No, no, you have to call it pardon because if you say amnesty, he's breaking the law.
BECKEL: Why is he breaking the law?
BOLLING: What if he says, I'm against the fines for drug -- drug offenses.
BECKEL: Then why wasn't Reagan breaking the law? BOLLING: What if -- he was.
GUILFOYLE: This is hard enough.
BECKEL: He was. OK, Reagan was, OK. Why you said that Bush was?
BOLLING: Doesn't make it right now.
BECKEL: OK. That's it.
GUTFELD: I want to ask.
BECKEL: As long as you admitted those Reagan and Bush --
BOLLING: So it's OK -- it's OK to do it now?
GUILFOYLE: No, listen.
BOLLING: By the way, you know what you said yesterday?
GUILFOYLE: He don't admit that. You're not listening to us.
BOLLING: Stop blaming Bush.
GUILFOYLE: I don't know what to say. I don't know why they're not agreeing on that.
GUTFELD: I want to ask Dana, Dana I want to throw it to the sought of some angry conservatives, because we don't have enough of them.
GUILFOYLE: At this table?
GUTFELD: And I want to catch your take on what Republicans should do next. Let's roll this tape, please.
GUILFOYLE: Do it.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) MIA LOVE, UTAH CONGRESSWOMAN-ELECT: He needs to remember who he works for. It looks more like a dictatorship when the president is unilaterally making decisions for the American people.
RAND PAUL, KENTUCKY SENATOR: History will treat him unkindly on this. If he thinks he becomes king.
TED CRUZ, SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE: We are unfortunately witnessing a constitutional crisis.
It's incumbent on republicans in congress to use every single constitutional tool we have to defend the rule of law, to reign in the president so that the president does not become an unaccountable monarch.
SCOTT WALKER, GOVERNOR OF WISCONSIN: This president went from once talking about the audacity of hope to the audacity -- the power graph.
(END VIDEO CLIP) GUTFELD: You go. What should Republicans do?
PERINO: I don't know. I might be an outlier on this.
PERINO: OK. I think the Republicans are really boxed in.
PERINO: I do. Because -- I don't think that we'll have the answer to the constitutional question for years.
GUILFOYLE: In time.
PERINO: At this point, the president, I think has the prosecutorial discretion to do what he's doing. I think that he could -- they'll figure out a way, they're lawyers. Will give them some cover on that.
PERINO: And -- besides, by the time it gets to the courts, then -- whose gonna be the person that stands up and says, we're gonna take away this from the 5 -- the 5 million people who have been here.
GUILFOYLE: That's what he's counting on, exactly.
GUTFELD: He is -- people genius.
PERINO: And also when President Obama came out the day after the election he said that the real lesson from the midterm election was it, Washington must work together. Of from a political sampling, I agree, it is -- it is a strange way to react when your first action is to do something that is absolutely poisoning the well, to get a lot of other good things done. What I do think the Republicans will do is to -- keep their heads, OK. There's a lot of other legislation that needs to get done, from a jobs perspective, jobs, jobs, jobs. I don't understand why the administration is not just going ahead and doing the 12 million? Because once you do 5, why not just do 12? Because human, what's the question human -- what's humane and what is fair? And so, maybe they'll figure out a way to do an end run around that, but I do think that the Republicans -- you cannot stop the president from doing this.
BECKEL: I was curious about -- forget the guy's name who did that, it was the czar of ObamaCare, but anyway.
BECKEL: I thought the American people -- the first 42 members of the congress that were invited down to the White House when Obama was elected with Republicans. And he wanted to work with them, and did they work for them? For six years they did nothing.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, baloney.
PERINO: Bob, I mean, that is -- Bob, let me.
GUTFELD: You're in a parallel universe.
PERINO: And it's a weird one.
PERINO: I mean, you are a lot more thoughtful than that statement.
BOLLING: Yeah. PERINO: I mean, yes you are.
BECKEL: He invited them down to try to work with him.
BOLLING: And then what happen? Do you have.
PERINO: And then, and then them the, "You know what" every day after that.
GUILFOYLE: Whoa. Dana, you're gonna get blame.
BOLLING: You can be very cordial, you can say, I want to work with you.
BOLLING: When you have the House and the Senate in your pocket. It doesn't matter what you do -- what you say you're gonna do.
BOLLING: It matters what gets legislated. And we got -- we got ObamaCare, you almost gonna call it tax and now the immigration.
PERINO: Bob, come on. You are, you smarter and more thoughtful and more well aware than that.
BECKEL: Wait a second, wait a second, I believe.
GUTFELD: He's gonna regulate (ph) against that.
BECKEL: I believe firmly, that the president of the United States made an effort to work with the republican.
GUILFOYLE: I know -- you go.
PERINO: OK. You know what? You can believe that. But more than half of the country thinks that he did not. And.
BECKEL: Well, half of the country is proud of him presidents get a second term, didn't they?
PERINO: Yeah, but more -- but everybody that want it -- they watched -- most president's get a second term, it's very rare that they don't. But, in the midterm elections, that answer the -- the central lesson of that midterm is not, Washington must work together, it was, stop, President Obama from doing things that we do not --
GUILFOYLE: Oh, Bob.
PERINO: You know, it's just like banging your head against the wall.
BECKEL: No, the American just hope.
PERINO: That the reason you can't work with people is because they have this notion, that President Obama was stymied every -- President Obama absolutely could have changed the way that Washington worked. He could have done it. He was so popular.
GUILFOYLE: He didn't.
PERINO: And he chose not to -- like every point.
BECKEL: And you think he should got in this point so long.
GUILFOYLE: It's not in his DNA.
BECKEL: Do you really believe that?
BOLLING: Why do they have to go along?
GUILFOYLE: This whole thing is going the wrong way, it's supposed to start in the house, it's the revenue though.
PERINO: Yes, they're absolutely -- yeah why, why is it?
BOLLING: Do you have to say?
BECKEL: Well, we say try to work together.
PERINO: You're baffling.
BECKEL: He said we try to work together. Why do we try to work together?
PEIRNO: Baffling Bob Beckel.
GUTFELD: I want to ask Kimberly. He said what he said is he's -- emptied the basket of a certain -- you know, of a group. What -- what we have done to make sure that doesn't get rebuilt?
GUILFOYLE: No, nothing. Because, our borders aren't secured, so this is just gonna be rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat, the same thing over again, it is rewarding people who are breaking the law, who was gone around and say, you know what? You can stay here anyway, because you have a baby here, this is not the right way to do it.
BECKEL; Can I ask you a question? What would you do with the 5 million people?
GUILFOYLE: You have to respect the laws of this country.
BECKEL: What would you do with the 5 million people?
GUILFOYLE: You know what, Bob. There's a better way to do it than the president with the stroke of a pen saying.
BECKEL: What would you do.
GUILFOYLE: I'm gonna get some kind of phony amnesty, to put everyone in without a thoughtful economic approach.
BECKEL: Yeah, all I ask you to do is answer my question, but would you do.
GUILFOYLE: Take the cue like the deli line. Get a number and get in line and do it.
BECKEL: So get out of the country, right? Get out of the country.
GUILFOYLE: No, listen to me, I would do this the right way. I will put the horse before the car. I would secure the boarder and make sure that we don't have this problem, repetitive, like a chronic illness. We need to make sure that it was shut down and then we can establish the proper system.
BECKEL: So you.
GUILFOYLE: And, any build the races revenue, has to start in the house. So if we do it in the Senate, it was a joke.
BECKEL: It doesn't take revenue to do with immigration. But, but you're saying the 5 million.
GUILFOYLE: Yes it does.
BECKEL: Has to stay on a different service desk.
GUTFELD: Or you know it would be cool.
GUILFOYLE: I'm telling you this is not the time or the approach, period.
GUTFELD: It will be cool is -- to find a way maybe to diminish the amount of money that illegal immigrants sent back to their country. Because something tells me if you do that, a lot of them will leave.
PERINO: I think it's an interesting point, as in a lot -- could you do that, though?
GUTFELD: I don't know. I just thought of it now.
BECKEL: If there -- yes, if there.
PERINO: You are an emperor, I mean, maybe you could.
GUTFELD: Yeah, maybe I could find it in the law.
BECKEL: Or you could, you couldn't, they're illegal, if they're illegal at the country, they cannot allow to send U.S. currency over world -- overseas?
GUTFELD: That's obviously happening. Alright, much more to come next on Obama's immigration plan so stay tuned.
GUILFOYLE: The RNC is out with a devastating new ad, showing President Obama convenient evolution on presidential powers which regard, to immigration.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: With respect to the notion that I can just suspend deportations through executive order, that's just not the case.
Anybody who tells you that it's going to be easier, that I can wave a magic wand and make it happen, has not been paying attention to how this time. Works.
We're not gonna use chronic state, as a way of doing (inaudible) I know some here wish that I could just bypass congress and change the law myself -- but that's not how democracy works.
What I'm gonna be laying out is the things that I can do with my lawful authority as president.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Does the president still stand by what he said last year when he said quote, "I am not the emperor of the United States, my job is to execute laws that are passed" Does that still operative?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUILFOYLE: So how would the country respond to the president's move? Senator Tom Coburn warns we could see instances of anarchy.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) TOM COBURN, OKLAHOMA SENATOR: The country's gonna go nuts, because they're gonna see it as they move outside of the authority of the president. And it's gonna be a very dangerous situation. You're gonna see -- hopefully not, but could you see instances of anarchy, you could see violence.
(END VIDEO CLIP) GUILFOYLE: Alright, well listen. People have a very strong view points and opinions about this. But one thing is for sure, with respect to the president, he has a certain freedom in how he thinks and acts and then he'll say something -- one day and then, mind erase it, mind eraser, break convenient. And then it's completely change and all of a sudden, what was - - something he was aghast about is perfectly OK, Eric.
BOLLING: Yeah, and again, we've talked about -- whether he has the power to do it, the right to do it. I still, I still can't find it in here. No matter how many times Bob tells me it's in here or anyone else. It's still not in here, so they're gonna have to figure out a way to make it appear in here. But it is -- he's, he's for years has said --
GUILFOYLE: He'll write it in.
BOLLING: I can't, I'm not allowed to do this, I can't do this, I'm not allow to do it, I'm not the emperor. And then he's doing it, but what -- you know, so -- can I be a little conspiracy theorist here for a minute? He's gonna do it because he promised his base to he was gonna do it, so he has to get it done. That would mean he has to get I done by the end of the year, or about six weeks left before the end of the year, right?
GUILFOYLE: Get off.
BOLLING: Why now? What's coming down the pipe very soon? Within hours maybe, things.
GUILFOYLE: The Latin Grammy?
GUILFOYLE: Good goat.
PERINO: Good answer.
GUILFOYLE: No, because (inaudible)
BOOLING: Right? So, he does this, we all go, Oh my gosh, he just did it and then something happens in Ferguson, everyone goes, uh-oh, forget the amnesty thing, let's go see what's going on in Ferguson. And then he -- and then, you know two or three weeks down the road we go. He just slips amnesty in without us really talking about that too much? I don't know, maybe I'm crazy.
PEIRNO: I think you might be a little crazy.
GUILFOYLE: I don't want to say this.
PERINO: Because, I think there's the time you had a lot more to do with the Latin Grammy's than anything else.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, thank you.
PERINO: I do. I mean that's not very hard --
GUTFELD: What are the Latin Grammy's?
PERINO: But this to think that the president (inaudible)
BECKEL: They're elderly women that have -- you take care of their Grammy's.
BECKE: Yeah, right. You know I don't know about Senator Coburn would just an interesting fellow. Did he, did he predict there was gonna be, there's gonna problem after the 800,000 dreamers are allowed in. I didn't say any riots or anybody upset about that, they we? Except for the right way.
GUTFELD: I would say -- I don't think that was a particularly wise thing for Coburn to say. But I do think we need to address our new citizens, we live in an era right now, where patriotism is mocked by our beliefs. You know, it's no longer seen as -- as a traditional belief to be proud of your country. We champion every identity but the American one. So, if we have a lot of new people coming here, what do we tell them about America? What is the American identity? I would feel more comfortable about anybody coming here, if we actually championed our own selves. If we said, this is America, here's what's great about America. You know, President Obama talks about how great America is, when we're -- when we're welcoming this people, the illegal immigrants into this country, but he doesn't really talk about patriotism about us, about this country, which I find problematic.
PERINO: I think the biggest problem for President Obama is the fact that he for so long, for many years emphatically said he did not have the power or the right to do what he is actually doing. And if I were in the media I would press on that point. Because, I think we -- I mean, America deserves a better answer.
BECKEL: Yeah, that was, that was quite an answer -- a very good, I have to say, and I think it's right. It does -- when you do this sort of thing and you say it over and over and over again. It seems to be that you have had the departure when you announce what's you gonna do, whether it's pardon or you saw the outside to size. The emperor can't do this. This got to be -- even have a very good explanation to what he got this.
PERINO: they don't need any. But they don't really need an explanation because the mainstream media doesn't require them to have one.
BECKEL: But it's gonna be in front of a lot of people, given it right?
GUTFELD: Yeah, but the fact is.
PERINO: You may ask anything.
GUTFELD: They change the language. They score victories through language and the media accepts the language. Take for example, dreamers, which are - - literally they're illegal immigrants, they're called -- but they're called dreamers.
PERINO: Because it's sound like.
GUTFELD: So if you, if you illegal immigrate, that's dreaming. But I don't think Tom Rishi (ph) was dreaming when he went into Mexico.
BECKEL: When he gets on the street, he ought to say bilingual education will stop after two years.
GUTFELD: Well he.
PERINO: No, he'll never say that.
BECKEL: I know he won't gonna say it.
GUILFOYLE: Alright. That's not gonna happen.
BECKEL: I think he won't. But I don't think it's fair for.
PERINO: I think the other thing that the Republicans can do is just send President Obama all sorts of legislations and then he will have to make a decision on. All the pocketer (ph) thing like the Tax reform, energy policy, jobs bills, things like that send it up to him and make him, make a decision on whether to veto it or not, since Harry Reid won't be there to protect him.
GUILFOYLE: And Governor Christie, blasting Obama on this too. Harkening to 2016, this will come back on them. Next, on The Five, he's Hollywood's most infamous hot head.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) ALEC BALDWIN, ACTOR: The blond? I do want to press charges against her. She assaulted my wife yesterday, if you seen her face -- I want to press to blond.
(END VIDEO CLIP) GUILFOYLE: Oh my goodness gracious. But now Alec Baldwin is seeking to soften his image by becoming a love counselor in New York City. And Eric, got the tape next.
BOLLING: The very Fastest 7 minutes on television. Three vexing stories, seven vigorous minutes, one vivacious host.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, what?
GUTFELD: Can we retire this?
BOLLING: No. First stop Alec Baldwin.
GUILFOYLE: Can you ban it?
BOLLING: And never to get in front of a camera again after this mess, remember?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BALDWIN: You're the one who almost hit my wife with a mark (ph) upon its face.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I didn't not.
BALDWIN: You didn't?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I wouldn't take the fight.
BALDWIN: Yeah, yeah.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I honestly did not.
BALDWIN: Yeah. You want to apologize for one thing?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I.
BALDWIN: I asked you a question, do you want to apologize to.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I cannot.
BALEDWIN: I ask you a question. OK, you get the (beep) out of here.
(END VIDEO CLIP) BOLLIUG: Whoa. Well, it appears Baldwin reneged on that promise. He's starting a new web series, Mr. Massage is giving relationship advice.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) BALDWIN: You may not know this, but I am an internationally recognized relationship expert. If you look him right in the eye and say "I love you more than anything" every day, he would do whatever you ask he'll be your slave for the rest of your life.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I'm a Taurus.
BALDWIN: You're like me, I'm an Aries. You know you and I have in common?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What?
BALDWIN: If everybody would shut (beep) up and do what we tell them to do. And there will be a better place.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BOLLING: Alright. K.G. You take relationship advice from Alec Baldwin. GUILFOLYE: No, but I can give him sound. I mean, he does say one thing that was good, if you say that, I love you more than anything. Yeah, I think that works.
BOLLING: Greg, agree?
GUTFELD: Well, OK. This is the basis for the joke. I mean he is ironic, pointing, pointing, pointing it out that he is that good at this, makes us look kind of stupid because this is the point of the joke.
BOLING: Is it?
GUTFELD: Yeah, Eric, Eric, Eric, he's a relationship expert, it's Alec Baldwin. That's the joke.
GUILFOYLE: But it's funny, I like it.
PERINO: I thought that why we were doing this.
GUILFOYLE: You like it?
PERINO: I thought that's why we were doing this, to show the joke.
GUTFELD: Oh, really, is that what we're doing?
PERINO: Well, -- I got it.
GUILFOYLE: I thought it was funny.
BECKEL: I didn't think it was a joke. I'd take advice from him.
PERINO: You were? You need some relationship advice.
BECKEL: I know. I'd take his advice.
GUILFOYLE: Bob doesn't believe in relationships.
GUTFELD: By the way, relationship experts are terrible. Why shouldn't he be one? You know, all those matchmakers on TV are single. They're single.
BOLLING: Many times over. All right. Next up.
GUILFOYLE: You know it's true.
BOLLING: We all know Russians hate to lose. Think Vlad Putin, how he scored 60 goals in a hockey game. Remember?
GUILFOYLE: Yes, it was a help.
BOLLING: Well, check this kid off put after losing a Ping-Pong match in Russia, Dimitri Melochenko (ph) -- watch. Here it is. He loses right here. He loses. He shakes the hand of the opponent and then watch what happens right now. After that, boom! He hits the umpire, throws the umpire off his chair. Watch the umpire. He's much bigger than him.
GUILFOYLE: Amazing? That's not very sportsman-like.
BOLLING: Terrible. Sore loser.
BECKEL: I'd have gotten up and jammed his paddle down his throat. That would have given him some thoughts.
BOLLING: You see that? See the umpire get back up?
GUTFELD: I -- it's the most exciting thing that've ever happened in Ping- Pong. Here's a fact about Ping-Pong. It's the only onomatopoeic sport. like we don't call football Thud-Thud or hockey Whack-Shack or golf Snore. It's like Ping-Pong. It sounds just like what it is.
PERINO: Ping-Pong, Ping-Pong.
GUTFELD: Isn't that great?
PERINO: Yes. I like it.
GUTFELD: There you go.
BOLLING: And did you like that video?
PERINO: No, I hate to see people get angry. I don't like violence of any kind.
GUTFELD: That's not true.
GUILFOYLE: That's all I got. I mean, Ping-Pong's fun. You know.
BOLLING: We're going to have to dig deeper into the video library for the next "Fastest 7."
Happy birthday wishes go out to Vice President Joe Biden. Joe turned 72 today. In honor of the veep's b-day, we put together a stroll down memory lane. Listen, try not to get too emotional.
JOE BIDEN, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: And three-letter word, jobs, J-O-B-S, jobs.
This is a big (EXPLETIVE DELETED) deal.
Thank you, Dr. Pepper, and thank you, Chancellor or Dr. Paper.
And God rest her soul, although she's -- your mom is still alive. It's your dad passed. God bless her soul.
I promise you, the president has a big stick. I promise you.
PERINO: My favorite ever. It should be -- it should lead Bartlett's, the new Bartlett's quotation book, the best.
GUTFELD: I think the best birthday gift we can give him is to impeach President Obama so he gets to be president for a year or two. What do you say?
BOLLING: He may get a few years. He's going to run, right?
GUILFOYLE: Listen, he's very personable. Everybody likes him in D.C. He's able to work with both side. He has an honest approach. And yes, he's daft but he's sort of adorable.
BECKEL: He is -- you know, I did his first Senate campaign, way back when. He got elected to the Senate, but he wasn't old enough to be elected to the Senate so he couldn't be sworn in until two months afterwards. And incidentally, during -- after he got elected president -- Senate, rather, he lost his wife and children in a tragic car accident.
BECKEL: You know that he commutes -- he did commute every day up to Delaware when he was a senator. And just one of the world's terrific guys. And yes, he makes gaffes like that. But if it wasn't for that how would you know Joe Biden? If he didn't do that?
BOLLING: If there was a Democrat that you said who would you want to have a drink with, who would you want to spend the night hanging out with, that's the one.
GUTFELD: I don't think he drinks.
BOLLING: Oh, he does.
GUTFELD: He does?
BECKEL: Oh, yes.
GUTFELD: Biden drinks? I thought he...
GUILFOYLE: And he swims naked.
GUTFELD: Oh, well, there you go.
PERINO: Is that true?
GUILFOYLE: Isn't that a real story?
PERINO: I don't know.
GUTFELD: I thought you just knew from personal experience.
BECKEL: He told me you did. He told me you did.
BOLLING: Susan, can me make this the "Fastest 6" today? Can we read the prompter and get out of here? Let's take a little extra time for "One More Thing."
BOLLING: All right. We're about two and a half hours away from President Obama's executive announcement on immigration. We're going to check in with Ed Henry. That's next. He's live at the White House...
BOLLING: ... with a preview of tonight's controversial address. Stick around.
(ED HENRY HOLDS UP "THE FIVE" HAND SIGNAL)
BOLLING: That a baby.
PERINO: Tonight is the night President Obama will unveil his plan to overhaul our country's immigration system with the use of executive action. His address begins at 8 p.m., and FOX's chief White House correspondent, Ed Henry, is here now to tell us what he's going to say.
Ed, did you get a special preview or something?
ED HENRY, FOX NEWS CHIEF WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: Well, you know, they're giving us little tidbits here and there. I think a lot of what you've been talking about is really the central thrust of this, which is, you know, expanding the number of illegal immigrants, who can get some temporary legal status in the country.
I think one of the maybe surprises will be that the president is going to try to also talk about executive action he's taking on border security. Republicans are certainly going to be skeptical of that, saying he's had six years to get more serious about securing the border.
But I think what that's about is trying to reach out to the GOP and say, "Look, I'm taking this action you're not happy about, but part of it is going to be trying to secure the border," which is something the Republican leaders in Congress have been talking about and certainly want to do more come January.
So I think that's going to be one little twist. It will be beyond keeping folks here in this country. It's also going to be about talking border security, as well. That's clearly a political move to try to get some Republican support.
PERINO: How do they answer their biggest vulnerability, which is the president has said for so many years -- and emphatically so -- that he did not have the power to do this?
HENRY: Well, part of what they claim is that when the president said "I'm not emperor," he was referring to the idea that he could stop all deportations, or the fact that some protestors on the campaign trail over the years have said, "Why don't you take the Senate bill and throw it into an executive order" and that he was reacting to that.
That's not completely true. Yes, sometimes protestors were shouting at him, saying, "Take this dramatic action, take the whole Senate bill." But other times, I've been on the road with him, and protesters were just saying, "Do something, anything. Take executive action." And he kept saying, "I'm not an emperor, I can't do that." Well, that's a flip now what he's doing tonight, and that's a political problem for him.
BOLLING: Hey, Ed, they've made a pretty compelling argument over the years that they've spent more money on border security, on the fence, and the number of agents have increased dramatically. I mean, are they really that much on the defensive on border security, since they built hundreds and hundreds of miles of the fence, and the budget has gone up 400 percent for the Border Patrol?
HENRY: Well, I think the bottom line for both parties -- and we saw this in the Bush administration, as well, is it's not been a shortage of funds going to the border. It hasn't been a shortage of let's throw money at the problem. But I think that probably a vast majority of our audience doesn't really believe that the money has necessarily been well spent over the years, because we still see people getting across that border. Regardless of how many miles has been built or not built, regardless of how many more Border Patrol agents we hire, we still have a crisis at the border. And I think that is something that's a challenge for the president as he makes this case.
BOLLING: Hey, Ed, you know, I threw a theory out here, and Dana told me I was on crazy talk -- I was on the Crazy Town Express.
HENRY: No, not you.
BOLLING: Why tonight? Why November 20?
HENRY: I think a very simple answer, which is that there were some advisers urging the president wait until December. My sense is he decided in the end, from talking to his advisers that Republicans are going to criticize this, whether he waits a month or not. Time to just get it out there. Pieces of it have already leaked out.
And he's been playing a lot of defense on this. He finally wants to try -- and underline the world "try" -- to go on offense. It may backfire on him, but he wants to at least define this debate on his own terms.
GUTFELD: Ed, great to see you, as always. You bring so much life to the show.
HENRY: I'm ready.
GUTFELD: Is he going to discuss anything about the process? Like what happens? So these -- they get a temporary stay? What kind of process? Do they go into the back of the line, as Bob says, do they get benefits? What do we know happens next after they're -- they're allowed to stay?
HENRY: What we know for some of the people who have to stay is that they're going to have to go through a lot of paperwork. And my understanding is some of that is not going to be processed for a few months. So this is not something that's going to happen tomorrow.
And they hope that people start coming out of the shadows over the next few months and ta lot of the illegal immigrants who are not paying taxes right now will start paying into the system.
And one of the parts of the process we do know is that these folks who will get temporary status, we believe it will be for about three years. So this is not long term; it's not forever, but then they would have to go to the back of the line, pay the taxes you're talking about.
But also important, they would get a Social Security number. So they would, again, start paying into the system, which is something these illegal immigrants are not doing now, No. 1.
And in terms of whether they get healthcare benefits or something like that, they will not until they become citizens. They're not becoming citizens in the short term. That's the debate for Congress ahead. Do they actually have path to citizenship?
GUTFELD: So if they pay into Social Security, that means they'll get Social Security?
HENRY: They would get it if they pay into it. But currently, they're not paying into. They're also not paying into Medicare and all kinds of other benefits, but if they get sick, they go to the emergency room and you and I pay for it anyway.
GUILFOYLE: Exactly. I mean, come on. This isn't fooling anybody.
All right. So what is his legal authority? How is he basing this whole decision, this executive action? What's giving him the right to do it?
HENRY: Well, his lawyers claim privately, the White House attorneys do, that the president is merely sort of instructing some of his cabinet secretaries to take existing law and apply it a bit differently and refocus the priorities, if you will.
For example, down at the border, they're going to, on the border security piece I talked about, try to kind of repurpose the way Border Patrol agents are supposed to do their jobs. Whether that works or not or whether it's just bureaucratic nonsense, is a whole other thing. We'll find out in the weeks and months ahead.
But obviously, Republicans are not buying that argument and are saying this is rewriting the laws, not just reinterpreting things. And that's why I think you're going to see a ferocious response on Capitol Hill, saying that they're going to try to defund all of this.
PERINO: All right. I wanted to ask you one more question, Ed, but maybe I'll save it for a private e-mail.
BECKEL: Can I ask you a quick question?
PERINO: No, we have to tease. How do you know if someone is really your true friend, like Ed Henry is our true friend here at "The Five"? Stay tuned, because Bob has the answer coming up.
GUILFOYLE: You've got to love Bob.
(MUSIC: "I've Got Friends in Low Places")
BECKEL: Now there's a song. A lot of people have a lot of friends on Facebook, but can social media friends really be considered true ones? New studies reveal what determines a true friendship: at least eight phone calls and at least two meetings a month.
GUILFOYLE: That's true.
BECKEL: By contrast most speak to only one out of nine of their Facebook friends on a regular basis.
I that contend the whole social media thing is not about friendships. It's all about an easy way to talk. What do you think, Eric?
BOLLING: By the way, I can only consider someone a friend if I speak to them eight times on the phone and two e-mails? Is that right?
BECKEL: That's what they say on average.
PERINO: Two meetings.
BOLLING: Two meetings? We don't have a lot of friends, do we?
GUILFOYLE: Eight phone calls and two meetings.
BOLLING: Look, I try and engage on social media, Facebook and Twitter. I try and do as much as I can. I'm not sure if anyone would...
BECKEL: How many do you meet of the people you meet on Facebook?
BOLLING: Not that many.
BECKEL: OK. Dana, what do you think?
PERINO: Do you know what I think a true friend is, Bob?
PERINO: Somebody who sees her friend lose his pants in the airport and doesn't tell anyone.
GUILFOYLE: But you told the world.
PERINO: No, I didn't tell anybody. He told the world.
BECKEL: I did tell the world.
PERINO: I waited. I didn't tell anyone. That's a true friend, right there.
BECKEL: Somebody who will take the shots and put them in his back pocket.
Greg, what about you? What's friendship to you or that's a foreign concept?
GUTFELD: The guy who did this study obviously has no friends.
I have a theory that friends are genetically similar, because I find out that I'm a lot like the people I like, which really means that my friendship is actually an exercise in self-love.
GUILFOYLE: Like you and Dana.
GUTFELD: My other theory, I think friendship is more intriguing than love, because it doesn't rely on biochemicals. Like, when you actually find somebody that you like, there's no hormones, and there's no genetic component like you're related to them that causes it. So friendship is actually more valuable than love.
PERINO: Wow. You gave this a lot of thought.
GUTFELD: I think about this.
BECKEL: You do.
Let me just say something...
GUILFOYLE: We're going to have to dissect that later.
BECKEL: ... about this. I was sort of ripped out of Maryland to come here for two months to do a -- this show, and then it turns out now to be the fourth year, which we're delighted about.
But this town, New York, believe it or not, for the biggest town, is a tough place to learn to make friends. I mean, it is a very lonely place. I made friends at FOX. But it's very difficult to make new friends in this town.
GUILFOYLE: Aw, bob.
BECKEL: I know. No, no, seriously. But your friends are -- I have long- term friends back in Maryland who I very rarely see, because I'm up here all the time. But there's something to be said about that.
GUTFELD: It's also because you don't drink.
BECKEL: That's true.
GUTFELD: If you don't drink in New York...
BECKEL: You're in real trouble, right?
GUTFELD: Imagine if you move to New York, you're young, like you're a 30- year-old, I don't know, bachelor or whatever. You come here, and you don't drink. What do you do?
BECKEL: Well, you know a lot of people invite me to -- you think they'd invite me to their parties if I wasn't on "The Five"? Think about it. They might invite me to clean up the place afterwards. But would they invite me? No, they don't. This town is a little bit funny that way.
GUILFOYLE: You get invited to stuff. And you go to Dana's house. I mean, come on.
BECKEL: Yes, but she's a friend of mine.
GUILFOYLE: You visit her, visit your apartment. And you know...
BECKEL: I've been to your apartment. Well, I was a couple nights.
PERINO: None of us have been to her apartment.
GUILFOYLE: Get in the back of the dreamers' line.
BECKEL: Yes, I'm kidding. That's a whole lot of dreaming.
How many people have stayed at Eric's beach house, just out of curiosity?
BOLLING: Andrea was there.
BECKEL: At this table. I asked at this table. Anybody else back there? Anybody working here?
GUILFOYLE: And lost her sarong there.
BECKEL: Yes, OK. Eric, you know what you can do? You might be able to give us to that -- you can invite us to that house you bought.
BOLLING: bob -- Bob, you're losing the last frame (ph).
BECKEL: I see. You're probably right. Well, are we ready to get out of here or not?
BECKEL: Because there are my friends up there in the control booth who do -- beep.
GUILFOYLE: Bleep, bleep.
BECKEL: Bleep. Whatever it is, bleep, bloop-bloop.
"One More Thing" is up next.
GUTFELD: Time for "One More Thing" -- Eric.
BOLLING: OK. I just tweeted @bwilliams, Brian Williams. Here's why. Take a look at t little bit of video right there. "NBC Nightly News" has now gone air balls on Jonathan Gruber. It's a big story, folks. If you really want NBC to start covering the story that's very important to America, tweet @bwilliams and @NBCNightlyNews. Copy me on it @ericbolling. Let them know. Brian Williams, you're a journalist, man. This is a big story. Cover the big story. Right?
GUILFOYLE: Hmm. Interesting.
BOLLING: Yes. We'll find out -- we'll find out if it makes the "Nightly News" tonight. We'll report back tomorrow.
PERINO: I don't think he's persuaded by Twitter.
BOLLING: Maybe. Let's try.
PERINO: OK. All right.
GUILFOYLE: I have something else from NBC. "The Today Show" had Jay Leno on, who you know that I love. And this is a really great thing that he was doing for a soldier, and its Corporal Ethan Laberge. He was on patrol in Afghanistan when a suicide bomber exploded nearby, and he was severely injured. Many surgeries, shrapnel, et cetera, and suffered from a case of traumatic brain injury. He's going on this ride with Jay Leno's super cool care, 2015 Dodge SRT Hellcat, and take a listen to this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JAY LENO, COMEDIAN: What did you think?
CPL. ETHAN LABERGE, U.S. ARMY: That was awesome.
LENO: It was a lot of fun, wasn't it?
LABERGE: Yes. I wouldn't mind having one of these.
LENO: It's yours.
LENO: It's yours.
LABERGE: Oh, man.
LABERGE: All right. Awesome. Thank you.
LENO: Thank you, man. America loves you. Thank you, buddy.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PERINO: Aww! We need like a million more of Jay Leno.
GUILFOYLE: I'm telling you. This is why I love Jay Leno.
GUTFELD: This is a better version of Oprah. Remember she'd always give away cars?
PERINO: Yes, but that a little...
GUILFOYLE: So amazing. Jay Leno, we love you. You're a good guy.
GUTFELD: All right. Time for...
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I Hate These People!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I like to drink. I make no secret. But I don't like public drunks. I don't like people outside who act like idiots, whether they're drunk or stoned. They really tick me off.
One thing I really hate is Santacon. Santacon is...
GUILFOYLE: Not again.
GUTFELD: ... when people get wasted and get on the street. Now, if you were walking around the city wasted, urinating, vomiting and fighting, you would be arrested. However, you put on a Santa outfit, and somehow that excuses you.
The great news is, in New York right now, Brooklyn bars are boycotting Santacon. I urge every bar and every restaurant to put up a sign and say no.
Santacon is for charity, but it doesn't excuse bad behavior. So if you're into charity, just give the money to the charity and don't follow these -- these irritating (ph) people.
GUILFOYLE: Don't drink it all.
BECKEL: Forty-second Street last year, I forearmed a Santa Claus, because the guy was so drunk and got in my face.
GUTFELD: Yes. They are so disgusting.
BOLLING: This is like a war on Christmas at "The Five."
BECKEL: I don't think Christmas is about those guys.
GUTFELD: I'm all for the charity. But just give the money and don't be a jerk.
GUILFOYLE: Because they're drinking all the money.
PERINO: Weren't you a Santa Claus mall?
GUTFELD: Yes, I was a Santa Claus.
PERINO: A mall Santa Claus?
GUTFELD: I was a mall Santa Claus.
GUILFOYLE: And by the way, excuse me. What about the children that aren't a fan of barfing? Disgusting.
PERINO: I mean, how did they -- how did they even fit on your lap?
GUTFELD: It wasn't allowed.
BECKEL: So limited -- limited to children 2 years and younger. Go ahead.
PERINO: OK. So I'm going to use something of Greg's. Banned phrase. Do we have that? Greg's word ban. OK.
GUILFOYLE: What is going on here?
PERINO: Today's word is "ping." Ping. Not as in Ping-Pong like we talked about earlier. You know in an e-mail someone will say, "I'll ping you later," "I'll ping"?
GUILFOYLE: Ping me.
PERINO: I don't like that. Ping conjures up people who don't turn off their phones in a doctor's office. So it bugs me.
PERINO: So I borrowed your "One More Thing" idea today.
PERINO: Because I was out of ideas.
GUTFELD: It's all right. That will be $35.
GUILFOYLE: They do it on BBM (ph), too. Ping. Ping-ping.
PERINO: What is that movie? Ping. Hate it.
BECKEL: I wanted to -- I wanted to talk about this 800,000 people who were allowed in, in this temporary amnesty by President Obama a few years ago. Let me give you two of them.
Carlos Martinez, who enrolled in the University of Arizona. Four years later, he graduated with a bachelor of science in computer engineering, minors in computer science/electrical engineering. He graduated first in his class, and he was -- received job offers at virtually at every high- tech firm in the country.
Rina Diaz graduated from college cum laude -- cum laude, I never got that myself -- from HANU (ph) with a bachelor's degree in sociology. On and on and on and on.
Here's another interesting fact: the 11,000 students in Chicago schools that sign up for ROTC, 10 percent of them are undocumented people who are here in the country. They are patriotic people. They deserve to be here. Great contribution.
GUTFELD: All right. That's it for us. "Special Report" is next. I think. I hope.
BOLLING: Lots of tweets coming in.
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