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The Five

Gitmo detainees get better health care than US veterans?

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," May 23, 2014. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Eric Bolling, along with Kimberly Guilfoyle, Bob Beckel, Andrea Tantaros, and Greg Gutfeld.

It's 5 o'clock in New York City. And this is "The Five."


BOLLING: As we approach Memorial Day weekend, the Obama administration is embroiled in a scandal that threatens the lives of the very men and women who protect our way of life. Our vets are dying while sitting on waiting lists and it's disgraceful, but it gets worse and much worse.

I spoke to former Pentagon spokesman J.D. Gordon on "HANNITY" last night. Listen.

He explained how Gitmo terrorists are getting better health care than our heroes. Listen now.


JD GORDON, FORMER PENTAGON SPOKESMAN: Guantanamo, there's about 150 detainees there right now, and they've got a medical unit of about 100 doctors, nurses and health care support staff -- 1.5 to one is the ratio.

There are 21 million veterans and of those 21 million veterans in the United States, nine million are receiving V.A. care. But if you look at the employees, it's 265,000. That's a 31 to one ratio.

So, I think that President Obama has a flawed sense of priorities. He's taking better care of Al Qaeda detainees at Guantanamo than our own veterans.


BOLLING: And Gordon should know. He's visited Gitmo more than 30 times and he went on.


BOLLING: How would you rate the Gitmo detainees, the health care that they received? A is the best, F is a fail.

GORDON: It's an A, A-plus even. I was down there so many times in the medical facility. The detainees don't have any kind of waiting list. They get seen on the same day. It's a shame that our veterans are not getting that same level of care.


BOLLING: Well, enough to make your blood boil. Terrorists are getting better treatment than our vets. Only, K.G., in Obama's twisted priority world would something like this happen.

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Can I tell you? I feel like almost the outrage is coming out of me and filling me with sadness. Is this possible? It is really sad.

Do you know what the veterans would do to even receive the one-tenth of the quality of medical and health care than the Gitmo detainees? It's because we were so paralyzed with fear about doing the right thing, about offending anybody in the Muslim community, or any of the terrorists, that we're sitting there bending over backwards to do better for them than our law-abiding citizens who have served and given their lives and made sacrifices for their families to be able to protect our country and keep us safe.

I mean, if there isn't something more wrong than that, I don't know what is.

BOLLING: I have to agree.


GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Kimberly -- Kimberly, I can't believe how Islamophobic you are. These Gitmo prisoners should be treated better. They are misunderstood holy men, outside of their own country. They are all victims.

Meanwhile our troops --


GUTFELD: Yes, our troops, we go out -- our troops go out and kill people, but they are just victims of an evil western state. I'm saying this because this will be the next trick by the media government complex. They are going to portray outrage as partisan and likely racist.

By Tuesday after the holiday, the Obama scandal condom will be up and running just like it was with the IRS, the DOJ --

BECKEL: What did you say?

GUTFELD: The scandal condom is what I call it. Just like they did with the IRS, the DOJ, the ATF, and the rest of the alphabet, it comes up and it's impenetrable and there's nothing you can do about it.


GUILFOYLE: Thank you for straightening (ph) me out -- .

BOLLING: You know, JD points out that the ratio is 1.5 to 1 for Gitmo prisoner, and these poor vets, literally thousands to one, hundreds and thousands to one, just to get -- just basic services.

ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: Yes. And not even just basic service at Gitmo, because they're waiting for their 72 virgins, that we supply them with access to pornography, they have a new soccer field funded by the taxpayers so they can practice their soccer skills. They have it really well. In fact, I think most Americans have it better than our veterans.

Another issue as immigration starts to creep into Washington, D.C., you are going to hear people start to get outraged about the fact that illegal aliens, people who have broken the law not getting treatment than our veterans.

So, it seems like this administration is comfortable with everybody getting the best treatment or better treatment I should say, except for our veterans and you know what, Eric? This was proved yesterday. A bill passed the House that would allow the V.A. to easily fire people, to clean house if you wanted to, passed right through the House of Representatives, blocked in the Senate by Bernie Sanders. He blocked it.

And he's the one who when was told about this V.A. scandal, that people are dying, he goes people die every day.

That's their attitude about this. Who cares?

BOLLING: Bob, you've been very good, four minutes and 27 seconds into the show --

GUILFOYLE: You're taking a nap --

BECKEL: It was so ludicrous that it's still hard for me to -- I'm still getting over the condom analogy. But that interview you did --

GUTFELD: Scandal condom.


TANTAROS: Scandal condom, Bob.

BECKEL: Scandal condom, as opposed to a big condom. I see --

BOLLING: No, no --

GUILFOYLE: He's avoiding the issue.

BECKEL: No, not avoiding the issue. No, because it doesn't make any sense for this guy to compare Guantanamo with the Veterans Administration.

First of all, it's not just the prisoners down there. Guantanamo is a military base. It covers everybody on that base, so there's a lot more people down there than 30, whatever they said they were in terms of prisoners.

And the other thing is, it's not that Obama is personally thinking he's better to take care of this -- do you really believe that? Do you believe that this guy wakes up at night and says, you know, let me think, I think I'm going to treat the Guantanamo prisoners better medically than we do our veterans? That's a good idea.

GUTFELD: But, Bob, he's always worried about the perception that he would be seen as intolerant of a different culture and I think that informs his decisions. So, maybe, this is what you call an unintended consequence of a P.C. administration.

BOLLING: Bob, and the point being, Gitmo prisoner has anything, they got a problem, they got a toothache, they break a thumb, they get seen immediately. Our veterans --

BECKEL: True about federal prisons.

BOLLING: OK, let's do this.

GUTFELD: That's true.

BOLLING: Oliver North, a war hero, and host of "War Stories" on FNC, says being treated at the V.A. almost killed him.


OLIVER NORTH, WAR STORIES: Had it not been for the FOX medical plan I might be dead right now. When I was diagnosed with cancer caused by Agent Orange and the V.A. recognizes that, the V.A. told me to come back in about six months. My wife thoughtfully said, "Let's get another opinion." A biopsy was done and urgency was given to the treatment of cancer.

And I'm alive today to tell you if I hadn't had the FOX medical plan, I might not be here.


BOLLING: Let me get to Bobby.

An isolated --

BECKEL: I would say it's not only isolated but also the idea that somehow in the V.A., Ollie went in there and they did a diagnosis, they said, come back in six months because we know we're going to get worse in six months, we're probably going to die -- are you kidding me? I mean, how long are we going to go on this thing? This -- we're picking out the most extreme stories. It's easy to do.

GUILFOYLE: You are saying what he says is untrue?

BECKEL: No, no. I'm saying that I'm glad he got a second opinion. I like Oliver North a lot. But the idea that somehow this is the rule rather than the exception is just ridiculous.

GUILFOYLE: But, Bob --

GUTFELD: OK, the V.A. is not news. We know this. The news is the list, which was an attempt to pad and bolster careers and bonuses that led to the 40 deaths, which returns to a simple question, which I think, Bob, you understand. Who pushed the list?

BECKEL: I think that's the fundamental question.

GUTFELD: That needs to be on a t-shirt and people need to wear it. Who pushed the list?

TANTAROS: We act like it's so scandalous the lists are just a part of government-run health care. That's why I don't think this is a scandal. I've said this over and over. This is just government-run health care.

And this is why actually I think, Greg, that maybe this scandal condom is thinner than the others and will break, because this undermines President Obama on his signature issue, and that is health care. He's told us for the first how many years of his presidency that government-run health care or government I know -- Bob is ready to jump -- government intervening in health care like ObamaCare is the answer and it's falling flat on its face.

BECKEL: I was scared about the thought of a breaking condom.

BOLLING: All right. So, K.G. --

GUILFOYLE: Bob is trying to dance around here to razzle-dazzle to avoid the main issue, because you can't dismiss the problems at the V.A. You can't dismiss testimonials like from Colonel North because this is what's happening and it's affecting military who fought the war.

BOLLING: Stay on this for one second right here. So, lists, right, Greg and Andrea point out, lists, Oliver North -- are we not talking about rationing health care? Of course, we are, right?

GUILFOYLE: Yes. I mean, the only thing they didn't put a war hero at the top of the list. I mean, is that the only positive thing you can say about the V.A.? They even treat him like everybody else and put him at the bottom of the wait list. I mean, this is bad.

BECKEL: Do you think other people don't get bad diagnosis?

GUILFOYLE: Of course, they do. My point is they should all be treated with proper medical care and attention with the sense of urgency --

BECKEL: My belief is when Oliver North went to the V.A., it was a sense of urgency, they did the best they could and they came with the diagnosis --

TANTAROS: That's the best they could do. If someone who's a veteran who goes to a V.A. hospital doesn't have the option to get second and third and fourth opinions, they have to go to the V.A.-sanctioned doctors, they have V.A.-sanctioned drugs, V.A. waiting lists, it's much like the Medicaid system, and when you bring in the independent payment advisory board, IPAB, in Medicare, you are going to have even more rationing.

That is why ObamaCare is going to end up much like the V.A. especially with all the people signing up for Medicaid.

BOLLING: If they have their way and you have your way at some point down the road, single pair system, big old V.A.

BECKEL: I would love a single payer system. I can't mention a certain word we've been talking about that's why I won't do it. But I didn't get my point out.

BOLLING: We don't want to talk about those things anymore.

BECKEL: Well, Andrea raised it, not me.

TANTAROS: Greg brought it up.

BECKEL: Oh, Greg did.

TANTAROS: Don't blame me.

BOLLING: Let's do this. Let's move on --

GUTFELD: That's what I'm here for.

BECKEL: She's yelling at me in my year --

GUTFELD: Is she telling you not to say condom anymore?

BECKEL: That's what I was being told.

GUILFOYLE: Eric Shinseki.

BOLLING: They didn't tell you?

GUTFELD: No, they didn't tell me.

BOLLING: See, that is so unfair.

GUTFELD: I got that under the radar.

BECKEL: That's right, and I have to take the hit for it.

BOLLING: Take the listen to the man at the center of the scandal. Late yesterday, General Eric Shinseki released a message to the veterans, saying in part, quote, "I take any allegations about patient safety or employee misconduct very seriously. If any allegations under review are substantiated, we will act. As we approach our observance of Memorial Day and its special significance to our nation, V.A. is redoubling its efforts with integrity and compassion to earn your trust."

What does redoubling its effort mean?

TANTAROS: I was going to say, what does that even mean?

GUILFOYLE: Twice as bad as they've been.

BOLLING: Twice as bad.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, great.

TANTAROS: Investing, I have a feeling they're going to invest more money.

GUTFELD: They only worked half as hard before. So, now, you can double it and now, you are doing just the bare minimum.

GUILFOYLE: And pay double our money to do even less with it. That's what's so sad. I mean, that's just like a little emotional platitude that don't mean anything.

BECKEL: Whoever came up the policy to having the most visits, on- time visits, and there, you get a bonus, and you get whatever else you get, that was a stupid decision because it leads itself to exactly this kind of situation.

There should be no bonuses for performance in a veterans hospital or any hospital.

GUTFELD: Think about it, OK, Shinseki, if you look at back of all these problems and scandals from Rice and Sebelius and Hillary -- no matter how bad anybody is, they are never forced to leave and I realize it's because of all of these academic who come from a college teachers lounge.

BECKEL: Oh, here we go.

GUTFELD: This is the first tenured administration. They believe they have tenure, that there's nothing they can do to get fired.

BOLLING: Now, Bob --

BECKEL: Exactly right.


BOLLING: To your point. Whoever pushed this idea of lists and making sure that you get bonuses for short waiting lists or no waiting lists, CBS has a -- an email from one of the administrators, I believe, of the V.A. hospital telling people. It may have been a different one, I'm not sure which one, of a high level administrator telling these people -- don't put anyone's name on the list to make the list look shorter.

BECKEL: That person should be fired.

BOLLING: OK, OK. All right. Good idea. Let's start there.

GUILFOYLE: One of many.

BOLLING: All right. Next, Russian rabble-rouser, Vladimir Putin tore into President Obama today for accusing him of meddling into Ukraine.


VLADIMIR PUTIN, RUSSIAN PRESIDENT (through translator): Who is he to judge? Who is he to judge seriously? If he wants to judge people, why don't he get a job in court somewhere?


BOLLING: That's not all comrade Vlad had to say about the president and his administration. You'll hear the rest coming up.


TANTAROS: Well, if you mentioned President Obama or the United States to Vladimir Putin these days, he doesn't have a whole lot of good things to say. He put on quite a show in Russia today when he was interviewed by a U.S. reporter. Here was his response when asked about the president's comments on his role in stoking up the conflict in Ukraine.


REPORTER: President Obama has accused you as you know of untruths when it comes to supporting some of the separatist groups in --

PUTIN (through translator): Who is he to judge? Who is he to judge seriously? If he wants to judge people, why don't he get a job in court somewhere? His point of view and I have my point of view when it comes to certain things, you know?


TANTAROS: We've got two more to play for you. Let's go around the table on that one. He suggests that Obama go find a new line of work, and like be a judge. They couldn't find a man to his voice-over, Greg?

GUTFELD: Yes. I don't know. But in Russia, humor is made of wood. I can say that because I'm married to a Russian.

Putin's legacy, he's not a good man. They don't like them there. But legacy will always be a single-minded attempt to restore Russia as a world power. That's what he's trying to do. He's trying to expand --

GUILFOYLE: He's doing it.

GUTFELD: That's my point. Obama's legacy on the world stage is the opposite, to pull back, to shrink, to retreat. So, they are both deeply flawed, but you can see who is winning. Right now, Vladimir Putin is running a country. He's not comforting athletes. He's not comforting professors.

Obama is running an advice column.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, he's not appeasing, nor appeasement politics in Russia.

BECKEL: First of all, Russia will never be a power again.

GUTFELD: You don't think so?

BECKEL: He's got nuclear weapons. Outside of that, that's it. They pull back from the borders of Ukraine.


GUILFOYLE: What are you talking about?

BECKEL: First of all, this little punk, you know, he's only 5' 6," they put him on a pillow to be able --

GUTFELD: Watch it, Bob. I'm slightly over 5'6."

BOLLING: He scored six goals in a hockey game the other day.

BECKEL: Yes, who's going to stop him? Who's going to try to stop him?


BOLLING: Bob, they produce 9 million barrel of oil every day. They have all the money they'll ever need.


TANTAROS: Can I ask you about what happened the other day, too? OK. Vladimir Putin, in his desire to become a regional power, maybe not as determined as the Chinese, but he decided to partner with the Chinese, Eric, and do a $70 billion infrastructure project which would take all this Siberian oil and sell it to the Chinese. What does that mean?

BOLLING: Here's exactly what it means. China for the last 15 years or so has gone out and purchased all these assets. They've purchased oil and gas assets around the world. For China to now buy this through the major deal with the Russians -- forget Russia. The people you need to be worried about are the Chinese. That's the one thing they don't have. They don't have oil production. They have coal, but they need oil.

So, now, they've got that locked up. If they ever decide to be angry and, you know, start hating us, we're in big trouble.

BECKEL: Let me ask you a question -- the country as big as China, no dinosaurs die there, why don't they have oil?

BOLLING: They have coal.

TANTAROS: Bob, can you answer this question? At the same time the president back here at home won't agree to go along with the Keystone Pipeline. The Russians are partnering with the Chinese, what are we doing, the opposite?

BECKEL: Listen, I've long respected the Chinese, if they didn't get the partnership with the Russians, we're going to invade Russia to get their oil, seriously. I could imagine the day when the Chinese premier comes to the White House, we're going to get into this with the Russians, stay out of it. It's not your business.

And they are going to go in non-nuclear, because they know about MAD, mutually assured destruction, and they're going to take the Siberian oil fields because they need it. And if this doesn't work out --

BOLLING: They don't have to do it. They are buying it.

BECKEL: So far --

TANTAROS: Kimberly?

GUILFOYLE: Yes, here's the deal. This is like this one big international dodge ballgame, the USA gets smashed Marcia Brady-style in the face, to the point where it's embarrassing. I'm so ashamed of this whole situation, because we have been regularly and routinely mocked by Putin.

And guess what? Every time he shows this contentious disdain to the United States, his poll numbers over there go up, because they see that leadership. And he's taking advantage of us with the strike to Syria, Iran, Crimea, Ukraine. They're going to keep pushing it because there's no pushback.

TANTAROS: He was asked about the reset button and he said this, and why he thinks that it fell apart.


REPORTER: 2009, we were all very excited to see the reset in relations with the United States. Today, that reset lies in tatters, what went wrong?

PUTIN: Well, it's the result of unilateral action. It can create coalitions to justify certain actions. But this is not what we do in Russia. We believe that countries need to agree on certain rules and act in accordance with international law, take on board each other's interests.


TANTAROS: I guess he's not too pleased about those sanctions we put on his country. He was asked if he could envision another reset again.

And here's what he said --


REPORTER: Is there a road back in the relationship with President Obama and this current administration?

PUTIN: We never did anything to ruin our relationship. Our cooperation continues. We're not trying to fence ourselves out from the world. But you can't force people to like you, as we say in Russia.


TANTAROS: He did nothing to ruin the relationship, and then, Greg, there's elections over the weekend. He basically blamed the West, the United States for what's happening in Ukraine.

GUTFELD: You know what we could do, we got to learn from Putin. We want to play nice. He has no interest in playing nice. You got to learn from your enemies. He's exploiting our weaknesses.

We have to exploit his. We should be drilling. We should be fracking. We should be exporting. This isn't a cold war. It's a heating war.

GUILFOYLE: Ay ay ay. It's really sad, but don't worry because when Obama says he's going to help and get involved, he really does. He basically said like millions of cliff bars, MREs, right, to Ukraine -- no weapons, but don't worry about that.

BECKEL: After we got in that ridiculous war in Iraq, which we shouldn't have been.

And do you know the Iraqis under the Bush administration, who they gave their first leases to their oil fields? The Chinese and the Russians. It tells you a whole lot. So, you can't put it on Obama. And Putin -- the only thing that he exports that's worth a damn is oil and women.

TANTAROS: But isn't he embarrassing the United States, Eric?

BOLLING: No, we're embarrassing ourselves, Ands. Do you remember when Hillary Clinton brought over that reset button, and said, whatever she said, it was supposed to be a reset button, and it's actually like, you guys stink and we're going to beat you? Whatever the ridiculous fail we were doing.

That's what we always do. We want them to like us so badly and Greg is right. Are you done?

GUILFOYLE: No, he's talking about Putin's women and he just keeps talking over here.

BOLLING: Oh, we need like two cameras.


BOLLING: Anyway to make a long story short, Putin doesn't give a crap what the world thinks about him. That's what Obama does, is make sure that people to like him.

TANTAROS: But it doesn't sound like Putin doesn't care. He doesn't sound like anyone really likes us. We tell him on an open mike we're going to be more flexible with him. Do you think they respect us for that?


BECKEL: I mean, come on.

TANTAROS: Coming up, can you guess what happened at a restaurant that doesn't allow weapons inside? We'll give you a hint, it's not very good. The answer, after the break.


GUTFELD: So with every issue, both sides pick stories to support their own opinion, but sometimes it's just too easy. So easy in fact, it's like stealing candy from a baby or from a store that advertises its gun- free status. A restaurant in North Carolina was robbed at gunpoint on Sunday, two pistol packers assaulted two employees. But thankfully no one died.

Oddly, the store had a sign on the door clearly stating no guns, including concealed weapons. I know, the robbers totally ignored the sign. Well, they really didn't ignore it at all. They saw it as an invitation, suggesting that the only guns there at the restaurant squirt soda.

Hell, why not make a sign that says, robbers welcome, the cash register is up front, the safe in back, the combination is Shakira's birthday?

Like I said, it's an easy case to make, touting gun free zones only makes you a richer target. Studies show that felons are less likely to rob the armed than the unarmed.

Now, critics could say the heist would have been far bloodier if the diner had had a gun. If so, then every news network and every politician should forfeit their arm security. Hell, let's disarm the cops, because those guns could make life messier too. It's nonsense.

My advice to the owners going gun free: Fine. Don't advertise it. Think about your workers and the costumers, because they are what's really on the menu. And it's called "sitting duck."

TANTAROS: With mint jelly.

GUTFELD: Exactly. I hate duck, by the way. It's a little too gamey.

TANTAROS: That's lamb.

GUTFELD: I hate lamb, as well.

GUILFOYLE: It's probably a little too rich for your digestive system.

GUTFELD: It really is. I have -- I have the digestive system of a 5- year-old.

TANTAROS: I love when I get to sit next to you.

GUTFELD: I took an Imodium. And I'm feeling pretty good.

BECKEL: You are?

GUTFELD: Yes. I'm glad I can tell America that.

So Bob, I know that you might think this story is silly, but you cannot refute this logic. A robber sees two stores. One has a gun-free zone and one doesn't. Which is he going to pick? Right?

BECKEL: I don't know. I'll tell you in this case they went in through the back door, No. 1.

GUTFELD: Well, they cased the joint, Bob.

BECKEL: You think they cased it? All these robbers are going around looking for gun-free stores they can go in and rob. I find that a little bit of a stretch.

TANTAROS: Why not?

BECKEL: Why not have gun- -- not have gun-free churches or gun-free bars or -- I mean, not gun-free -- allow bars to have guns all you want? Imagine Friday night about 1 a.m. in the morning. Everybody's coked up and they're drunk. More people are going to get shot in that bar you could imagine.

GUILFOYLE: At your establishment.


GUTFELD: Most mass shootings happen at gun-free -- and when they had another choice.

BOLLING: Think about how stupid that sign is. Gun-free zone, right? Like the robber, OK, I'm not going to bring the gun in there." I would want -- gun-for zone. If you're a customer, bring your gun in here. I want you to be there. I want you to be there in case some jackass decides to come in and pull...

GUILFOYLE: That's an invitation, you know? That's the problem.

BOLLING: I love those numbers, where the guy comes in like this, and he's got the gun, and someone goes like this.

BECKEL: Why don't you arm seniors in high school? They're allowed to carry guns.

GUILFOYLE: Bob doesn't want to...


GUTFELD: Why does it have to be...

GUILFOYLE: ... at issue.

GUTFELD: Why do we have to go to the extreme? Why don't we -- why isn't it -- OK, let's arm everybody. That's not what we're saying. Just make a place safer -- Andrea.

TANTAROS: Well, we could -- because the left wants to go to the extreme, right? They can place a father and son hunting team, which clearly this isn't, with everybody. That's why nobody can have guns, according to the left.


TANTAROS: Everybody's phone calls need to be spied on. We can't just spy on the terrorists. We have to spy on Greg and his family.

And as someone who was in the restaurant business, do you think my parents would ever have put a sign up that said no guns here? People always wondered if there was a shotgun in the restaurant.


TANTAROS: Yes, just in case somebody would try and break in.

BECKEL: I'll tell you what, if I need any loose change, I'm going to be running around looking for diners with "No gun" signs on them.

TANTAROS: There's a lot of cash in those restaurants.

BECKEL: I bet there are, yes.

TANTAROS: And yet they don't put signs up saying, "Welcome everybody. Come in," because you know, they can figure out when you're switching out the register, and they'll do it.

BECKEL: You said that we're going to arm everybody in America. We think they want Americans armed. There are more handguns in America than there are people.


GUILFOYLE: Whatever, Bob. We're talking about this particular situation, which is not a good idea. Take it from a former prosecutor and any cop that's on the job longer than six months. They'll tell you the same. That's an invitation. That's the robber says, "Let me do my homework. Let me do some prep. So can't meet you guys out tonight." So they go and they figure out where should I go? Who's the vulnerable target? What am I going to hit? They're not going to go where they're going to meet resistance or force. They're going with, like, the easiest path, which is a place that's a gun-free zone, likely seen in the past.

GUTFELD: Aurora, Colorado. The guy goes to a theater.

GUILFOYLE: Aurora, Colorado, the movie theater. How about the three Jack-in-a-Boxes that were Let's put up signs, all guns are welcome.

GUTFELD: How about listening to Eric's idea and let's have signs. Let's put up signs, putting a business together: "All guns are welcome."


TANTAROS: If the business is going to have guns, the business can make its own decision. But the business shouldn't whine and complain when it gets robbed.

BOLLING: What does that prove? What does that help, that sign?

BECKEL: I don't know, Eric. Maybe there's some people who don't like these guns in their stores.

GUTFELD: You know, there is a hypocrisy to these gun-control advocates. They don't eat or frequent at these places. You know, they're -- they're never to be...

BECKEL: Starbucks?

GUTFELD: They are never going to be robbed at the Four Seasons during dinner, but at a barbecue joint in -- I guess it's, what is it, North Carolina? Probably. It happens. That's life.


BECKEL: That's a racist statement, man.

GUTFELD: No, it's not. That's what happened. It was a barbecue joint. It wasn't a racist statement.

GUILFOYLE: Look at Bob, trying to get somebody else in trouble.

GUTFELD: All right. Next, things are about to get awkward on "The Five." You'll have to stick around to find out why.


GUILFOYLE: I mean, you can't make it up, honestly. Bob, (UNINTELLIGIBLE).

All right. We want to talk about awkward moments like that on "The Five." We've all had some of those, right, like forgetting someone's name when you meet them. The folks at Buzzfeed put together a great list of lots of awkward things that sometimes happen when people greet one other. We're going to tackle that one, first, forgetting someone's name or coughing up a lung.

OK. Since you can speak, Bolling, has that ever happened to you?

BOLLING: So one of them is the -- confused whether you're going to fist bump or handshake. And I've learned that what you need to do is just stay consistent.


BOLLING: Whatever you start with, finish it. Even if the other person does the opposite, like fist bump to handshake, just stay with the fist bump and mean it.

GUILFOYLE: That's good advice. Let's go to the next one. The mutually undesired hug? What do you about that?

TANTAROS: You mean like the butt out hug, where you sort of pat each other on the back?

Or the one, the cheek kiss of undetermined number. Have you ever had someone going for a kiss, and you go both on the same side, so you almost kiss on the lips? And you're not sure if you do it twice or once? Like in Greece, we do it twice.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, that has happened. And then sometimes, I just give an extra one for good measure. And I try not to concuss myself by banging them on the head. I've had it happen.

All right. Now we've got that. We've got also the uncertain wave at someone who's not waving at you. Did this happen with Michelle Obama? Remember, at the White House?

BOLLING: I waved to her. She waved back, but the lights were really, really dark in the audience where we were, and they were really bright up there. So she was waving back at me, and then she kind of went like this and saw it was me, and was like -- wished she hadn't.

GUTFELD: The ghost is waving. The ghost.

GUILFOYLE: That's another good one: The unintentional overshot handshake when you're trying to make it and it turns into a wrist shake?

GUTFELD: Yes. Can I point out that these are horrifying, horrifying problems that we have in the west? I would like to offer a similar list of awkward moments beset by countries inhabited by radical Islamists, for example, getting executed for being gay, getting killed for being Christian, being murdered for sex outside marriage and being beheaded for having a head.


GUTFELD: Those are the most awkward moments in radical Islam.

GUILFOYLE: All right. Well...

TANTAROS: Brought to you by...

GUILFOYLE: ... Buzzfeed seems to have edited those out.

How about this one? This is -- oh, Greg, let's just stay with you. Go to the expert. Hugging someone of a vastly different height with uncertain arm placement.

GUTFELD: That has happened to me all my life. I've learned to accept it. I have learned to enjoy the smell of a belt buckle.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my goodness. That's why you just hug Dana, right? She's the perfect height.

OK. What about this, Bob, the denied frontal hug that turns into a weird side hug?

BECKEL: Well, I don't know. First of all, can I point out, this is Eric's watch. OK?

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.

BECKEL: This watch weighs about five pounds.

GUTFELD: And now it has MRSA.

BECKEL: I cannot believe it.

GUILFOYLE: It has MRSA, bed bugs.

BECKEL: It has MRSA. Bed bugs and all kinds of things.

First of all, the chest forward, chest bump, is that what we're on?

GUILFOYLE: No, no. The hug, like this, where it's like trying to hug, a frontal hug and then it turns into, like, a side hug.

BECKEL: That could be fun if you do that right.

You know what I was saying? It's the one about the kisses. The L.A. people go, "Oh, those euro trash people do that."

GUILFOYLE: We actually just did that one.

TANTAROS: Euro trash people?

BECKEL: Euro trash.

TANTAROS: We kiss two times on each cheek.

BECKEL: Who does?

GUILFOYLE: You and Andrea.

TANTAROS: No, we do not kiss.

GUILFOYLE: No, on the cheek.

BECKEL: Andrea bought me dinner the other night. I want you to know that.

TANTAROS: I did buy you dinner the other night. And I remembered your name.

BECKEL: Hey, Eric, how much does this cost?

TANTAROS: Can I talk about strategies for forgetting...

GUTFELD: I don't like a man kissing a ghost. I'm ghost-aphobic.

TANTAROS: The first one you asked about was forgetting someone's name. If you're with somebody, you always say to them, you know what, Eric, you introduce yourself first. So you have to go up and say, "Hi, my name is Eric."

GUILFOYLE: That's a good strategy. That's very, very good.

All right. So we ought to go because Suzie doesn't like this no more.

OK, coming up, the biggest wedding since Will and Kate. Kim and Kanye are tying the knot tomorrow in Italy. My goodness. And our resident Kardashian watcher, Bob here, has some marriage advice for the love birds. So don't miss it. It's next. And there's Eric Bolling's watch.


BECKEL: First of all, let me say that the liberal block is four minutes today, and that means I'm moving on up with Mr. Jefferson.

Will the third time be the charm for my favorite reality star, Kim Kard-ah-shee-ahn? Her last marriage held up for only 72 days, but she's given love another chance with rapper Canaan East. They're tying the knot at a fortress in Italy tomorrow. The rehearsal dinner is tonight in Paris.

First, I'd like to take this opportunity to offer some advice to the happy couple.

TANTAROS: Oh, great.

BECKEL: I was going to say something, but they told me to not to say it, because I was getting -- everybody, what do you think? Everybody happy about this? Take it, take it, run with it. You like Kim Kardashian, right?

GUTFELD: All right. I'll go first.


GUTFELD: First of all, I'd like to apologize to all the viewers who are forced to listen to gossip about Kanye and Kim. Doctors have found that gossip about Kanye and Kim can give you ear cancer.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my goodness.

BOLLING: Brain cancer.


BECKEL: I'm not going to get that, because I could give a damn. What do you think? Are you a big Kim Kardashian fan?

GUILFOYLE: I mean, I don't mind her. It's not bugging me or anything.

BECKEL: What is she? What is she?

GUILFOYLE: And her butt is bigger -- her butt is bigger than mine.

BECKEL: She's a poster child for plastic surgery.

GUILFOYLE: Look, if you look at her pictures when she was young, she had the same face. She's a pretty woman, you know.


GUILFOYLE: Bob, I'm actually even trying to do the segment. That doesn't even matter, because Bob is just going to blow it up.

BECKEL: I'll be careful.

GUILFOYLE: I hope that they find love. They have a child together. I hope this marriage works and it lasts. That's what I have to say. Maybe a third time is the charm.

BECKEL: Maybe. OK. Go ahead, now that you've yelled at me, too, what do you have to say? Some happy nuptial here?

TANTAROS: You know, I don't think it's nice to say the Kardashian sisters are fat when they're not.

BECKEL: I'm fat.

GUTFELD: You were saying "phat" as in pretty hip (ph).

BECKEL: Phat, phat, P-H-A-T. Phat.

TANTAROS: I will admit I probably will buy the magazines after the wedding so I can see what everybody was wearing and how they styled their hair and how they did their makeup. And you know what? I'm sick and tired of having to defend myself for it. Darn it, I like reality TV, and I'm not apologizing.

BECKEL: Is that her right there?

TANTAROS: Yes. I want to see what she wears. I want to see what her sisters are wearing, where they got married.

BECKEL: It looks like a cat (ph).

TANTAROS: She's not my idol but...

BOLLING: To recognize that she's been a very successful businessperson. She is paid upwards to $10 to $15 million a year for whatever she does...

GUILFOYLE: Because of her licensing...

BECKEL: Can I get my advice, OK? First of all, I would say this to Keenan or Canaan, whatever he is.


BECKEL: I would say, you've got time to get out of it, man, No. 1.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.

BECKEL: The -- and if not, please, please get a good prenuptial. Because this woman's going to take you to the cleaners otherwise.

BOLLING: She has her own money.

GUILFOYLE: Bob does not listen to what gets said before him.

BOLLING: She's loaded.

BECKEL: She is? Well, maybe she wants to marry me.

GUTFELD: I love that every fact is a surprise for Bob.

GUILFOYLE: Now he likes it. Now he loves getting married.

BECKEL: No, I just want to say to everybody out there. I've been yelled at all show long and I don't deserve any of it. Let me just say this: "One More Thing" is up next.

GUILFOYLE: You haven't been on very good behavior.

BECKEL: Not good behavior? What are you talking about?


BOLLING: Try to make it every single block of this show. Time for "One More Thing." Greg, you go first.

GUTFELD: Well, you know, last night on "Red Eye," we had a very special sports talk segment in which the panel debated the expanded NFL playoffs. We had a panel, however, dominated by women. Let's take a look.


GUTFELD: Unlike me, you are actually against this. Tell me why.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I have -- look, I'm opposed to it. I should qualify that, of course, by saying I'll watch the games. And that's why they're doing it, because people will watch. It's like Ray Kinsella building the baseball field on his farm in Iowa. People will come.

There's more money for the owners. There's more money for TV partners. It's a no-lose proposition for them. But the fact is you're going to have two teams that most likely aren't all that good suddenly in the postseason, and that's bad.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Can I get either of you guys a sandwich?

GUTFELD: I'd love a sandwich. Can you get us a sandwich?



GUTFELD: Now tonight on "Red Eye," we're going to be discussing whether or not this was a sexist segment. And should the people be punished, especially the women. Should the women be disciplined for that kind of behavior? You must tune in and find out.

And I miss you, Dana. Hopefully, I'll see you next week. Haven't seen her in eight days.

BECKEL: Dana's off.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.


GUTFELD: No, they didn't.

BECKEL: You talked about this being full of women, full of women. And you had your one guy talking the whole time.

GUTFELD: All right.

GUILFOYLE: Bob, nothing is lost on you.

TANTAROS: You didn't call anyone broads. So you're not exactly the sexism...


TANTAROS: All right. OK, guess what? Good news, America. Remember Obama's mom jeans? Well, Michelle helped get rid of them. The president spoke out about how he discarded those awful dungarees the other day.


BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: At the hall's request, I contributed something of my own, which was the jacket I wore when I threw out the first pitch at the 2009 all-star game. I hear that, with all the media attention about it, there was also some interest in the jeans I wore that night. But Michelle retired those jeans quite a while back.


TANTAROS: Thank God. Get the guy some flat fronts. I mean, if they're that close to Anna Wintour, he should have some pretty good jeans.

BECKEL: What does "flat front Wintour" mean?

TANTAROS: Not like the pleated ones with the giant behind, like the mom jeans.

BOLLING: Can I just point out, if he hadn't thrown the ball like a girl, like a mom, no one would have noticed the jeans.

TANTAROS: I totally disagree. The first thing I saw was the jeans. He wore the jeans in Hawaii before.

GUILFOYLE: Are those acid-washed, Andrea?

TANTAROS; He wore them...


BECKEL: His wife looks a lot better than...

TANTAROS: Real quick, I'm hosting for the one and only Greta Van Susteren this evening, so tune in in just one hour.

BECKEL: Everyone's got a program to do here.

GUILFOYLE: All right.

BOLLING: You're up, K.G.

GUILFOYLE: OK. Thank you. Well, you know, we are getting very close to Memorial Day, so guess what FOX is doing? The FOX Business Channel is going to have a marathon of 16 episodes of "WAR STORIES" on the business channel from 9: a.m. Eastern until 1 in the morning. It shows over 100 hours of military footage of our nation's heroes, the courage and commitment from the country's men and women that have fought and served this country so bravely.

Bob, stop being a weirdo.

And so you have all...

GUTFELD: That's an impossible request.

GUILFOYLE: We've got multiple cameras going here. I hope you enjoy it. You spend some time. It's time well spent, well-deserved to focus on the military.

And I want to also thank the men and women who have served our country because your big day is coming up on Monday. And we certainly...

BECKEL: And every Memorial Day fishing (ph).

BOLLING: Exactly true.

OK. I'm up. "Cashin' In" tomorrow morning. By the way, you made "Cashin' In" the No. 1 show in the whole entire weekend.

This weekend, we found something. We've uncovered something that is the smoking gun as to why some of the -- a lot of the reasons why the V.A. wait lists are going on, maybe a lot of our vets aren't getting service and health care when they should be. Something that's very, very interesting, 11:30 tomorrow morning.

BECKEL: You promote that thing every time. I think it's great. You're No. 1. You've been No. 1 for 83 weeks now.

BOLLING: No, not every week. We saved a lot of time for you.

BECKEL: You did?

GUTFELD: You could actually revisit your previous segment. You have two minutes.

BECKEL: I just want to say, the guy should get a prenup. But anyway, here's my "One More Thing."

GUILFOYLE: Yes, but she probably makes more money that he does.

BECKEL: You're being weird now.

GUILFOYLE: I'm being weird?

BECKEL: Here it is. Aliens. Aliens are almost definitely out there, SETI astronomers told Congress. At least that's what two astronomers told Congress, that almost definitely, aliens exist...


BECKEL: Hey, shut up.

GUILFOYLE: Terrible, Bob. You're the worse behaved today.

BOLLING: ... aliens.

BECKEL: Two scientists -- two scientists said the possibility of extraterrestrial life -- whatever it is, like, in close

GUILFOYLE: Apologize to Andrea.

BECKEL: Why? She was snoring during my segment.

GUILFOYLE: It was cute. She as being funny. And you were...

GUTFELD: Do you think they should get free health care?

BECKEL: I think they should get health care.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God, I'm getting Bob's cough.

BOLLING: Orion (ph) scientists also said global warming...

BECKEL: Yes, they are. But listen...

GUTFELD: Would you eat an alien if it was delicious?

GUILFOYLE: He would date and inseminate (ph) an alien if they wanted to.

BECKEL: Wait a second, wait a second. Who believes in UFOs here? How many believe in...

GUTFELD: I like the band.

GUILFOYLE: You're getting a wrap.

BECKEL: I have it, buddy.


TANTAROS: Go ahead and do it, Bob. Come on.

BECKEL: You have to set your.

BOLLING: Go ahead.

BECKEL: Go ahead.


BECKEL: No, you do it.

BOLLING: You do it. Set your DVR. Don't miss an episode of "The Five." We're going to see you back here on Monday for a special Memorial Day edition of "The Five." Be sure to tune in. Have a great holiday weekend, everyone.

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The Five, hosted by Eric Bolling, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Greg Gutfeld, Dana Perino, Juan Williams, and Andrea Tantaros, airs on Weekdays at 5PM ET on Fox News Channel.