Presidential priorities: Obama chooses comedy over crises

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," March 11, 2014. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Eric Bolling, along with Andrea Tantaros, Bob Beckel, Dana Perino, and Greg Gutfeld.

It's 5 o'clock in New York City. This is "The Five."


BOLLING: So, the world is on the verge of mayhem, Vlad Putin flexing his military muscle. Kim Jong-un gets 100 percent of his people to vote for him or die. We've lost 239 people in an airplane over Vietnam, vanished.

So, what's the leader of the free world doing?


ZACH GALIFIANAKIS, COMEDIAN: Do you send Ambassador Rodman to North Korea on your behalf? I read somewhere that you'd be sending Hulk Hogan to Syria, or is that more of a job for Tonya Harding.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Zach, he's not our ambassador.

GALIFIANAKIS: I have to know, what is it like to be the last black president?

OBAMA: Seriously? What's it like for this to be the last time you ever talk to a president.

GALIFIANAKIS: You said if you had a son, you would not let him play football? What makes you think he wouldn't play football? What if he was a nerd like you?

OBAMA: Do you think a woman like Michelle would marry a nerd? Why don't you ask her whether she thinks I'm a nerd?


OBAMA: No, I'm not going to let her near you.


BOLLING: Yakking it up with Zach Galifianakis on Funny or Die. Of course, oh, by the way, that mock interview went live just hours after the president returned from the big golf weekend extravaganza.

Dana, you're groaning a little bit in that sound bite.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Cringing. Look, I love TV programs like that normally. I think they're funny. I like that humor.

I just don't like it for the president. I don't think -- I don't think they set him up for success. I don't think he knew what he was getting into. It's so cringe-worthy.

The thing is, if you're going to be on a comedy program, if you're going to make that choice to use the president's time for that, you've got to hit one out of the park. Otherwise, you're going to be ridiculed. And all day long, that's what everybody has been talking about.


PERINO: Between the ferns conversation with the president.

I just find it -- I think that a president's time is very, very valuable. And if you go to him as a press person and say, we'd like for you to do this interview because we think it will get you X or will get us Y, whatever we think we need, I do not think they are using the president's time wisely.

BOLLING: Greg, do you agree?

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: You know, between two ferns is one of the hippest shows on the web. Everybody who is into comedy loves it. And I think that's exactly what President Obama needed now, was more hip credibility. And I think right now, Putin is going, like, Obama is on two ferns? We better get out of the Crimea region because now he's more hip than ever.

The funny is -- I do agree, this is a lot about timing. Perhaps he should wait until the country is in better shape before you engage in a manufactured orgy of hipster awkwardness.

But it's called two ferns. The real fern is the president. He's dithering to the point of stationary on foreign policy. He's ideologically paralyzed here by his own leftism at home. The only difference is a fern doesn't bow.

BOLLING: Not on purpose.

Andrea, so, he also -- President Obama also took the weekend and went golfing. A lot of people are saying, look, there's a lot going on in the world, not the least of which three Americans are still missing. Is it time to be golfing and playing around with Zach Galifianakis on between two ferns?

ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: You know, we have this conversation a lot, and we usually are talking about President Obama, should he be golfing?
Why can't he get more focused?

We sound like the mothers --


TANTAROS: -- from "Toddlers and Tiaras" and we have a daughter that just won't wear the tiara and doesn't want to wear the dress, and doesn't want to lip sync to whose boots have my bed been under. We're very upset with President Obama.

This is who he is. From the day -- from the day he started campaigning, I think he thought he won "America's Got Talent" and the consolation prize was a big beautiful mansion and he got to hang out with celebrities. And nobody seems to be bothered with the fact that he can't be bothered with the other stuff.

So, my point of view is this, that dog won't hunt. He's never going to do what we want him to do. Put him in his room, give him Beyonce videos, give him Legos, give him "House of Cards." Lock the door. I don't care. I don't want him meddling anywhere where real armies could march anyway.

BOLLING: And, Bob, we re-elected that dog that don't hunt.

BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Well, I mean, it's a pretty damning series of statements here around this table. So, I'll just say, (a), if you have never worked in a White House or worked for a president, you don't realize how important it is for them to get away and play golf, play ping-pong, play whatever. It's very challenging job.

He does do his job. He may not do it well according to you all, but the idea that somehow because he's playing golf that Putin is feeling that much better. And the Galifianakis thing, he needs to get younger people to sign up. This is a hip -- this is a hip program, as Greg pointed out, and the people who watch it are the people who need to sign it up.

BOLLING: OK, fair enough.

PERINO: But if you're going to do it, you have to do it well. And I think that's a problem. So, they got 19,000 people to go visit the Web site today.

In their own numbers, the actual numbers, they are well short of two major goals. The first goal being overall number of sign-ups, which they need 7 million. They reported today 4.2 million. And they also needed a certain percentage, 38 percent of young people to be in the mix. Today, they reported it's 25 percent.

So, all this advertising and time and resources that they are putting into these hipster programs isn't working.

GUTFELD: Can I just point? If you could predict your own response to this, so could they. They know you're not going to like it. They know that FOX News is going to like it. It doesn't bother them.

Pop culture has a greater effect on youth population than anybody who gets angry over this. So, you've got to accept it, you've got to play game and find people in the parties, conservatives and libertarian party, who can play this game.

PERINO: Do you think young people would think that was good?

GUTFELD: Oh, yes, because Zach Galifianakis is a funny guy. And
this thing is great. The solution is, if you don't like this, win a damn election. Win an election so you don't have to see this anymore. Don't blame them.

BOLLING: But we also need to point out, he is the first president to appear on late night talk shows.

BECKEL: That's wrong, absolutely wrong.

BOLLING: A seated president.

BECKEL: That's wrong.

PERINO: Bill Clinton did. That's how he basically rehabilitated himself.

BOLLING: OK, fair enough.

PERINO: But George W. Bush did not.

BOLLING: OK, and nor did any president prior to that or in between.

PERINO: I don't know.

GUTFELD: Did Bush do a game show?

PERINO: He recorded a video for a soldier that was going on a game show.

BOLLING: Can we do this though? With all the events, Bobby, going down in the world, the president decided golfing and clowning around with comedians, it was a good idea. But when asked this afternoon if that's the right message to the American people, Jay Carney said this.


JAY CARNEY, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: We're constantly looking at different ways to reach Americans.

REPORTER: But the presidency in anyway, the presidency, damaged

CARNEY: No. I mean, we obviously assess opportunities that we have.
And you know, look at whether or not they're going to be successful and why. So, I think we made the right call here.


BOLLING: So made the right call, according to Jay Carney.

Bob, as Greg points out, they pretty much have the young person locked up right now. Maybe they should be doing things to reach out to maybe middle-aged people.

BECKEL: Look, it's early March, 4.2 million and they wanted to get to
7 million by the 31st. It's quite possible they could get 5.5 million or 6 million people. None of you would have given that a prayer's chance of getting that far.

If I said to you when you started to dump on Obamacare when the Web site didn't work, if I said 4.2 million by March 10th or 11th --


TANTAROS: Bob, it's the likelihood of them getting to that place is highly unlikely. Again, these are goals they set for themselves. And a good portion of these, people that sign up haven't paid the premium. So you can't technically count them. They're counting them. They shouldn't do that.

The point with the Zach Galifianakis interview, I think it's hilarious. Zach Galifianakis is really funny. The problem is he won -- he won that interview. He looks good. He got people to laugh at him.


TANTAROS: President Obama, that was not a win for him. So, if you're going to put the president out there, make sure it's a win for him. He didn't do that. Pop culture is great, and they have it locked up, and that's their playbook, but again, the funniest thing about that interview is young people are going to go to Obamacare, see what the premiums are.
That's where they're going to laugh. They're going to go, yes, ha, ha, I'm not paying that.


BECKEL: Obviously, you know my son is a Democrat, but he and his friends were aware of this and watched it and thought it was cool.

TANTAROS: OK. That doesn't get them to sign up.

BOLLING: Did they sign up? Because really --

BECKEL: I don't know.

BOLLING: At the end of the day, with their well-loved by the young generation, we get that, but are they driving people to the Web site to sign up or not?

GUTFELD: That's the weirder thing about it. This is a manufactured show of awkwardness. That's what it's supposed to be. But it really is about clever people duping their fans into a plan that needlessly burdens them. In a weird way, Zach just screwed his own audience because they don't need this.

BOLLING: All right. Can I play this, Dana? I know you're waiting this. But let's just play a little piece of how they made the turn to Obamacare. The president said he agreed to do the funny or die interview to create awareness among young people of Obamacare. Listen.


OBAMA: Have you heard of the Affordable Care Act?

GALIFIANAKIS: Oh, yes, I heard about it. That's the thing that doesn't work. Why would you get the guy who created the Zune to make your Web site?

OBAMA: works great now. And the law means insurers can't discriminate against you if you've got a pre-existing condition anymore.

GALIFIANAKIS: Yes. But what about -- what about this, though?

OBAMA: That's disgusting. How long have you had that?

GALIFIANAKIS: Just four months.

OBAMA: Really?

GALIFIANAKIS: Spider bites. I got attacked by spiders.

OBAMA: Zach, you need to get that checked right away.


BOLLING: Just moments ago, the administration released the latest Obamacare enrollment numbers. Dana pointed out, 4.2 million since October 1st. Only one quarter of those are young enrollees, they need that. And they still won't tell us they need more of those. By the way, and they won't tell us how many have paid.

So, is this about making President Obama look good and cool and young and hip, or about enrolling young people in Obamacare?

PERINO: No, I think that they -- I think that they really thought that this would actually help them, and I think this probably had been in the works for a while. I just think that it wasn't good use of his time because celebrity and cool is not necessarily the best thing for a president to be espousing.

If this program was so great, then people would be running to it in droves. I think what we talked about before is going to have to happen to get young people to the table, if they -- if we're going to keep Obamacare, they have to increase the penalty because otherwise, they're not going to move to it.

In addition to that, those numbers, what was the point of Obamacare in the first place? To get the uninsured to be insured. They haven't released the numbers, but estimates are most people who have signed up of the 4.2 million had insurance anyway. So, they're actually tapping in yet to the young market or to the people that they said they wanted to help.

BECKEL: Remember, none of you would have --


BOLLING: Bob, this is -- we don't know what the number is.


BOLLING: You don't know what the number.

BECKEL: Four-point-two million.

BOLLING: No. No, no, no.


BECKEL: And, by the way, paying for your insurance, you always pay your insurance at 30 days after you get it.

BOLLING: No, 4.2 million have looked and picked out something they would like to have.

BECKEL: Four-point-two million people is a lot of people. Up to you guys, it would be 12 or 13 people.

GUTFELD: Wait, but 5 million lose their insurance, that's not that much.

BOLLING: And it's the same game that they've been playing straight through. They're going to end up with, I don't -- who knows? What? Three million actually enrolled?

BECKEL: You think that 5 million people right now who were uninsured before?


BECKEL: You do? Prove it.

BOLLING: You know why? It would have been by the end of the year, but President Obama decided to push that number back -- push that date back a year.

BECKEL: Prove it.

BOLLING: I can't prove it.

BECKEL: Well, there you go.

GUTFELD: There you go. You never proved anything, Bob.


BECKEL: That's not fair.

GUTFELD: No, you're just pulling that right now. You throw out numbers.

TANTAROS: Yes, I think they set up this Funny or Die sets up the situation perfectly. It was basically laugh at health care reform or die.
If you don't sign up young people, you will die.

You know what the young people are thinking? I'm not going to get sick. I don't need it. I'm healthy, I'm young. I'm not worried about dying.

PERINO: If you think -- if you think of Sebelius and Pelosi when they were on Jon Stewart and then this show, I laughed, too. But I don't see the motivating factor. I don't see the reason to ask the president to spend his time preparing for something like that.

Even though I think the show is funny, I wouldn't have asked the president to do it.

GUTFELD: What you're getting at is how Obamacare has been bringing his entire administration down to this one all-consuming effort at the expense of the stature and at the expense of foreign policy. Cool doesn't win wars. It doesn't create fear.


BECKEL: But we'll find out, see how many people visit the Web site in the next few days.

TANTAROS: But, Dana, don't you think the president thinks he's funny?
Don't you think they bought their own hype?

PERINO: I think he actually is funny. I mean, I do think he's funny in small group settings.

GUTFELD: Like when you're playing pictionary.

PERINO: Like in the Oval Office. I think he's hilarious.

BOLLING: All right. We got to go. I'm being yelled at.

Next, Democrats pull an all-nighter in the Senate on one of the coldest winters up recent memory to raise awareness about climate change, and there was plenty of hot air there.

And later, an update on the search for the missing plane in Asia and new theories about what might have happened. We have a few. Stay with us.


PERINO: Democrats are so worried about global warming that they're now losing sleep over it. More than two dozen took part in an all-nighter on the Senate floor last night in hopes to wake up Congress on climate change.


SEN. BARBARA BOXER (D), CALIFORNIA: The vast majority of the American people understand climate change is real. There's no doubt about it.

SEN. DICK DURBIN (D), ILLINOIS: Over 98 percent of all working climate scientists believe that human activities have led to climate change.

SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER (D), NEW YORK: If you went to 100 doctors and 98 of them said you were sick and should take medicine, but two told you, you were fine and should do nothing, what would you do?

SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN (D), MASSACHUSETTS: We are on the cusp of a climate crisis, a point of no return.

SEN. HARRY REID (D), NEVADA: This is not just a question of morality or ethics but a question of our survival.

SEN. CHRIS MURPHY (D), CONNECTICUT: Maine is having a bounty because they have all of Connecticut's lobsters.


PERINO: This might be the first time in history where a party has filibustered themselves. Notably absent from a talkathon, four senators vulnerable in November -- Begich of Alaska, Hagan of North Carolina, Landrieu of Louisiana, and Pryor of Arkansas.

Andrea, let me ask you about this question of having a PR stunt like this where there is no bill to vote on. There is a bill that passed the House, but the Senate has been languishing, so they basically just talked themselves to death for no productive reason.

TANTAROS: I think the reason they're doing this is because the Senate lately has seemingly become the epicenter of rallying the base. So, last week on "The Five," we talked about the Mumia cop-killing lawyer who didn't get the appointment that they made a big deal of. Now, they're taking about climate change. Not issues that matter to real Americans but issue that matters to the Democratic base.

The danger in that, I think is, when you start to rally too much, you start to rally the other side and you get the voters you really want, the independents going, why are you talking about this? Eastern Europe is in trouble.

Charter schools, you're at war with charter schools, one wing of your party. We're not creating jobs. Health care is a mess. And so, you begin to look increasingly out of touch.

I think that's exactly what they're doing.

BECKEL: The Democratic base is not American? Is that what you're saying?

TANTAROS: No, Bob, I actually didn't say anything like that.

BECKEL: You said the Democratic base was other Americans? I was trying to figure out what you said. That's all.

PERINO: Well, look, she didn't say that. Anyway, let's ask Bob.

So, Bob, do you think that they are vulnerable? Why not vote on a bill then? Why don't they bring it up?

BECKEL: They don't have a bill to bring up. And I don't know -- frankly, it's not going to rally the base that much because there's not too many in the base in the Democratic Party who think about climate change.

PERINO: But we know why this was held?

BECKEL: Well, I assume that they think that it will be a saleable issue come the fall. I don't happen to believe that. But I think they wanted to make awareness. Let's face it, some of these people firmly believe it. I mean, they have a reason to stand out there.

I mean, I'm not going to cite the 97 percent or 98 percent because I don't know what the answers are. I do know this, if everybody does agree there's 40 billion tons of carbon dioxide put in the air every year in the United States, it seems to me at that point, something must be getting hurt by it.

TANTAROS: Can I quickly say for sure I know you said that the Democratic base doesn't care about climate change. I would disagree with that.


PERINO: There's one reason they care and it has to do with money.

BOLLING: Thank you. I'm so glad you threw that to me. Billionaire Tom Steyer has pledged $100 million for any lawmaker who is going to make climate change one of his or her campaign processes, campaign ideologies, campaign thoughts going forward. So, 96 of them, or whatever, all but four Democrat senators showed up to do this, and they made sure their hands were raised and they got on camera because they want a piece of the $100 million.

PERINO: But, you know, it's worse than that. It's worse than that.
Tom Steyer, the big billionaire, he pledged $100 million, but he said he would give $50 million of his own, but they had to match the rest. That's why you had the Steyer-thon yesterday, without any vote, because they could say, look, look, we raised awareness. So, can we get $50 million to match the other $50 million that you promised? That's how bad it is.

Greg, I want to ask you, has the college campus finally arrived in Congress? This is where we get to, symbolic?

GUTFELD: Where was the pizza? They should be doing each other's hair and pajamas.

These slumber party experts have ignored the recent data on climate change, that it's been flat lining for one and a half decades and may go on for four decades, that the faulty models are responsible for the exaggeration in warming. The big point is that even a slight increase in warming saves lives. The colder the world is, the more people die. And their solution for that: they don't have any except more money.

So, they ignore recent data on climate change. They ignored their own data on gun control based on a massive control gun control study. They ignore the science on e-cigarettes. These are the most anti-science experts since Ms. Cleo.

So, instead, they embrace posturing over pipelines. What could reduce the dependency on foreign oil, create jobs for thousands of people and reduce the power of tyrants? The Keystone. Instead, of Keystone Pipeline, we get Keystone Cops.

PERINO: But do you think, Andrea, people who support keystone pipeline stage a talkathon of their own and see if those Democrats show up?

TANTAROS: I think that would be a great idea. And if I were a Democrat, I would absolutely show up.

Again, though, I'm torn when it comes to things like this because I would rather have Democrats up all night when the rest of us are sleeping, flapping their gums over an issue that now half the country says they think are exaggerated. I'd rather have them doing that than meddling as I said earlier in geopolitics because every time the progressives get involved, like with charter schools, everyone's lives becomes equally bad.

They're not about sharing the wealth. They're about spreading it around so everyone's live is equally terrible. When Obama gets involved in foreign affairs, Bob, chaos ensues, anarchy ensues.

So, let them flap their gums. Who cares?

BECKEL: It's -- everybody -- everybody is affected by it. Everybody in (INAUDIBLE) has a reason for this.

You know, it might be one thing to keep in mind, there are people like me who actually believe that climate change is a danger to the country. If they want to stand up all night and say that and it's not getting the publicity it has, maybe they can do it.

But, you know, I believe it. You don't believe it, you don't think --


PERINO: Then what about the policy? Why not put forward a policy and have them vote on it? The Senate is not a debating society.

BECKEL: Because they couldn't get 60 votes.

BOLLING: So, move on.

PERINO: Climate change does not suffer for lack of media coverage.

GUTFELD: That's for sure.


TANTAROS: Bob, you just admitted that the Democratic Party doesn't really care about it.

BECKEL: I said the Democratic base. There's a lot --

PERINO: Well, take a look at this poll just before we leave. This is from the Pew Research Center back in January. It asked Americans top policy priorities despite all of the publicity on climate change, the number one thing is strengthening the economy.

Interestingly to me, the way to actually solve the global warming problem if you're concerned about carbon dioxide emissions is to grow the economy so that we have more money to technology to help us do that.

BOLLING: There's a problem with that poll.


BOLLING: Did you see what number six was?

PERINO: Reducing the deficit?

BOLLING: Yes, Democrats don't care about that.

PERINO: Well, maybe that goes to Andrea's point. See how we just brought that all full circle.

OK. Coming up --

BECKEL: It's all their fault. Keep that in mind.


PERINO: Coming up, is the B-word holding women back? Bossy. Beyonce and other successful women think so and they want it banned, when "The Five" returns.


GUTFELD: In a new PSA, Beyonce says the word "bossy" should be banned. Typical woman, telling us what to do.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: This is ban bossy, take one.












UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: When I was growing up, I was called bossy.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I think the word bossy is just a squasher.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Being labeled something mattered.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: By middle school.

BEYONCE: Girls are less interested in leadership than boys.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And that's because they're worried about being called bossy.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We need to tell them it's OK to be ambitious.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We need to help them lean in.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Let's ban the word bossy.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And encourage girls to be.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Be strong and be ambitious.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Listen to your own voice.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: There are no limits.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You can change the world.


BEYONCE: Be brave. Be you.


BEYONCE: I'm not bossy. I'm the boss.


GUTFELD: Some of those women look like men.

Now, what kind of person wants to ban words? A bad person.

Anyway, they say bossy is mainly applied to girls to discourage them from leadership roles, but when a woman demands that a word be banned, aren't they proving the point -- they're bossy? Isn't it ironic?

Ironic means stupid, right?

Look, assuming girls need protection perpetuates female weakness.
Better to teach them to say, damn right, I'm bossy, now carry my books home from school. And boys will do that. They like being bossed. I know I did and do.

And besides, there are worse things in the word than bossy -- family breakdown, urban decay, gang violence, kale.

Now, the last time I checked, I'm not a woman, but I was once a boy raised by women. And here's what I know -- moms are supposed to be bossy, and the greatness of girls is their incessant need to tell you what to do.
That need is what keeps men from destroying themselves. If women didn't boss, men would die, alone. Calling them bossy is our acceptance of this fact.

Here's a thought -- instead of ragging on words, why not tell girls to respect their bodies? Don't take topless selfies, get regrettable tattoos or hang out with thugs. If pop stars actually addressed the toxicity of instant gratification, that would be something.

Now, I'm being bossy.

TANTAROS: You're the boss.

GUTFELD: I'm the boss.

All right. D.P., before I said this, you agree with the ladies.

PERINO: I agree with them on -- yes, I do. I think when you're a little girl and you get the, "don't be so bossy," you immediately go, oh, right, I shouldn't do that.

Now, part of that --

GUTFELD: Says the press secretary for the White House.

This is my point. All these people were called bossy, and look where they are and where you are. It worked.

PERINO: I think that Bob might call me a different B-word, not bossy.
Right, Bob?


GUTFELD: Oh, it would be what?

PERINO: That's the thing, is that bossy turns into the other B word later on in your career. That's fine. I don't care.

BECKEL: I cannot thing of a single woman I have went out with, and there had been many of them, not many who are good looking, but many that wasn't bossy. My ex-wife was bossy.

And the root of all this is the base of the Democratic Party who started.

GUTFELD: Basically, it's a war on women from the Democrats.

BECKEL: Brought to you by the Democrats. That's exactly right. All those Democrats, every one of them.

GUTFELD: Is this the least of our world's problems, Eric?

BOLLING: It may -- how do I do this gently? It may have something to do with -- let's not talk about divorce.

Let's talk about last night. My wife told me take out the garbage when I got home, I did. Then she told me we were going to watch "The Bachelor," which I can't stand, and that had to be on because Netflix is only on that TV, and I don't have a man cave. She was very, very bossy with me last night. But you know what? She's my wife.

GUTFELD: Exactly, and there are rewards to that. All right.

BECKEL: What exactly are the rewards?


GUTFELD: Love, partnership.

BOLLING: Commitment.

GUTFELD: Not dying alone in their own filth.

BECKEL: Prerequisite to all that, you need to get bossed around?

BOLLING: Listening to how all the complaining I talk about when I get home, about how I had to deal with --

BECKEL: You know, you guys are total wussies.

GUTFELD: But that's the point. Andrea, the whole yin and yang of men and women is that women are bossy, and that boys are reckless. So they go together. That's how it, you know --

TANTAROS: Guys can be bossy, too. They're just called a different four-letter word that starts with a different letter. I agree with you.

BECKEL: What is that?

TANTAROS: Aren't their bigger problems facing girls in school?

I'll tell you during the break, Bob.

I mean -- well, all the left would convince you that birth control is the biggest issue and I guess this is the number two issue. But this is a stupid campaign and it's a relevant debate because more women are making money, more women are in positions of power. And so, that's why I think the discussion is somewhat relevant.

However, I was called bossy when I was very little. I didn't care. I wanted to make music videos like Wilson Phillips, and I assigned the roles for different people, and if they didn't like it, they didn't have to be in the video.

I'm still that way. Who cares?

BOLLING: Yes. But it is true. A very strong percentage of women are in significant in corporate America.

PERINO: But they're all on the upswing, and I think in every measure, women are doing well in the universities, law schools, medical schools and it's starting to get better in corporate America and certainly in the government at the state level, and then you'll start to see the change on the federal level, too.

TANTAROS: If women are worried about what people are calling them, maybe they shouldn't be in charge.

PERINO: I think it's about little girls, though. I think it's about when you say to a girl that -- I remember on the ranch, on the cattle drive, if you had this one heifer, she was being a problem, they would say she's a bossy old heifer. That's not a compliment.

GUTFELD: Not to a little girl.

PERINO: To the cow.


TANTAROS: Was the cow offended?

GUTFELD: What kind of family would call their children heifers? What kind of sick life do you lead?

PERINO: Well, it put me in my place.

GUTFELD: That's terrible. Were you a big child?


PERINO: Yes. You wouldn't believe. You haven't seen the pictures?

GUTFELD: No, I haven't.

BECKEL: Did you slaughter cows?

PERINO: No. You took cows to the slaughterhouse.

BECKEL: Oh, you did?


BECKEL: Have you ever seen them get slaughtered?


BECKEL: Seriously.

PERINO: No, I haven't seen that.

TANTAROS: It's very gruesome.

GUTFELD: How did that take this dark, dark turn?

GUTFELD: Next, the long national nightmare is over. The most awkward and bizarre season of "The Bachelor" has come to an end, and the finale wasn't pretty. You'll see why, ahead.



UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm being very honest since the beginning to everybody. And at some point, you know, maybe people is going to go home.
I have to say good-bye to you.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I saved this moment for the man of my dreams.
And I thought that was you. What you made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Whew. I'm glad I didn't pick her. Whew.


TANTAROS: Finally, some real news here on "The Five."

That was "The Bachelor" last night dumping the runner-up, Claire. If you thought that was rough, things didn't go much better for the winner.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm not 100 percent sure that I want to propose to you, but I want to let you know I like you a lot. A lot. So, Nikki, will you accept my final rose?



PERINO: Absolutely.

TANTAROS: And then there was the cringe-worthy after-show when Juan Pablo couldn't pull himself to say the L-word.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: At the end of the day, I made the decision that I thought was good for me, and it is what it is.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You are still in love?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And is he in love with you?


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So you love her?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I'm not going to answer that question to you.
We're done with the show. We are so done. And you know, I'm with somebody, look.



UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Twelve years I have been doing this. This is a bachelor first.


TANTAROS: A bachelor first. Most dramatic, Greg, in bachelor history, Juan Pablo didn't propose. He didn't say he loved her, and America is outraged today.

GUTFELD: They are upset. He's a pro-soccer player, so it's no surprise his relationship ended in a 0-0 tie.

There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Soccer humor.

Basically, the TV show is enraged he didn't play the game, so they picked him. It's their fault. They picked a great looking, ab-obsessed athlete who is vacuous, he's vain, and you're surprised that a self- absorbed cad screws you ever? He just treated the show like he treats his women.

TANTAROS: That's right. So, you pick a dumb, horny soccer player.
The casting director from ABC should be fired, Dana. America is upset because we're spoiled. We want him to get on one knee and profess his love like some of the others have done.

So, who is the problem? Is it ABC or is it us?

PERINO: I think it could be me because I have never watched the show.
I cannot stand it.

I think that this manufactured baloney, fake chemistry, trying to get people to have a lifelong commitment to one another through this process is bizarre and horrible.

GUTFELD: What about doggy bachelor?

PERINO: I can't stand it.

GUTFELD: Doggy bachelor.

PERINO: That would be interesting.

GUTFELD: All these dogs.

PERINO: I don't -- I don't get it. I can't stand it.

BOLLING: But you know what happened last night?


BOLLING: Exactly what you're saying happened. He didn't go, he didn't bite on the fake, manufactured chemistry, love, et cetera, et cetera. He said I'm not ready.

By the way, they tape that whole series, that whole thing, in five weeks.

PERINO: After he makes out with every girl on the show?


TANTAROS: He wanted to commit to them for seven minutes.

BOLLING: Just what the rest of his life is like. Just like what his life in "The Bachelor."


BECKEL: -- sexually transmitted diseases coming out of this?

BOLLING: Can I just point something out? Can I just make one final comment? My wife made me watch three hours of that last night.

TANTAROS: You have another TV in the Bolling household. I'm not buying it.

BOLLING: Torture for me. She's yelling at this guy the whole night.
What a -- you know what, what a jerk, what a loser.

BECKEL: I haven't seen it and I agree with everything Dana said. You mean to tell me you got 25 broads who sign up to go with this --

PERINO: Heifers.

BECKEL: -- Puerto Rican or whatever he is guy who plays soccer? Are you kidding me? Is this what we have come down to, this crap?


GUTFELD: It's great.

BECKEL: Oh my God.

TANTAROS: And you give them lots of alcohol and you film it.

PERINO: I love TV. I watch a ton of it, and I watch a lot of programs that people think are really stupid. I think this one is undermining and destructive.

TANTAROS: Greg, worst bachelor in bachelor history?

GUTFELD: Perhaps. But you know what? What would you want them to do? To pick a normal guy?

This guy didn't need this show. That's the thing. He's a good- looking former professional athlete. He didn't have to do this.

That's why this was harder for him because he's looking at -- and he goes, this is a Friday night for me, 25 women.

PERINO: Yes --


TANTAROS: Anybody who goes on that show to find love has to be a little --

PERINO: Sad. I agree.


BOLLING: But isn't that the point? That the women, the 25 or so, aren't really going on to find love. They're really going on to be on TV?


BOLLING: You can see it. You can just see there like -- they put up with so much stuff.

TANTAROS: Some of those tears are real, Eric. Some of those tears --

BOLLING: Because they're getting voted off, because they're not going to be on TV next week.

TANTAROS: And frankly, ladies and gentlemen, if anyone says the sexes are not different, just watch the show.

BECKEL: Look at that dude. He's ugly. He's got shades. He probably does have STDs.

TANTAROS: Hey, Bob, you could be the next bachelor.

BECKEL: Yes --

TANTAROS: Couldn't be worse than Juan Pablo. All right. Well, maybe not.

Another day goes by without a trace of the plane that disappeared over the weekend in Asia, and the theories are growing as to what happened to it. The plane mystery, up next.


BECKEL: Today marked the fourth day since Flight 370 disappeared en route to Beijing from Kuala Lumpur with 239 passengers on board. There have been no signs of the plane but rather a number of conflicting reports from Malaysian authorities.

Their airport now says the jet might have radically changed course up to hundreds of miles. As you might expect and imagine, the confusion over the vanished flight has spawned many conspiracy theories.

Let me just start by saying this. We're always used to -- when the few airplane clashes that there are, and there are very few, there's always pieces of wreckage. There's always bodies. There's always something around. And this one has a lot of strangeness to it. So it's not surprising it gets conspiracy theories. What do you think?

BOLLING: I'm very concerned about what now the authorities are telling us, that the plane made a turn, not a 180 turn, which would make a lot of sense. If a plane is in distress, they would say let's go back to the airport we came from. This plane actually made about a 130-degree turn back over another part of Malaysia, and it makes no sense.

At the moment it made the turn is when they dropped completely off radar. It stopped pinging everybody. Makes the turn and it's seen, picked up by other radar, without pinging going over that strait, the Malaccan
(ph) Strait, which is very, very concerning, which means it's being flown without being in contact.

BECKEL: Andrea, your brother is a pilot. Have you talked to him about this?

TANTAROS: I have, just before the show.

BECKEL: Well, tell us what he said.

TANTAROS: Well, he is skeptical of some other airlines outside of the United States and Europe. For example, he cited that even a beautiful 777 was crashed, Asiana Airlines, in San Francisco. So if you don't have the right people staffing it, if you don't have the right pilots, if you don't have the right maintenance, these planes that are great vehicles can go down.

However, he did say it's very suspicious there were no -- there was no mayday calls; there was no calls of a hijacking. And he said that's just very, very strange, which is why he says more and more people are talking about terrorists.

BECKEL: Did he say anything about why the transponder was turned off.
That's the thing where the pilot can turn it to a distress call?

TANTAROS: That's why there's suspicion, because there's actually two of them. So I guess if it's a total maintenance failure, you still have one. So if they weren't upkeeping with the plane and not treating it properly, then two could arguably go down, but that's why people are saying it could be terrorism, too, because that's very rare to have both of them off.

BECKEL: Greg, you're a very healthy traveler yourself. Does this worry you after seeing this?

GUTFELD: Everything worries me.

BECKEL: I know. You're the Woody Allen of "The Five." I understand that.

GUTFELD: I'm a ball of neurosis. People love theories. They're mental Doritos. Because once you start -- you start eating them, you can't stop. But the less we know, the more we like to talk about it. And I know nothing, because I don't know the motive. So I'm just assuming that, for now, it's a disappearing plane.

BECKEL: Dana, all these theories that are out there, there is some plausible because of this Iranian connection with this guy Ali, and they -- do you think if you say on margins that that is something that still should be very seriously considered?

PERINO: Absolutely. I think that everything should be on the table in terms of trying to figure out what happened.

The one thing I find interesting -- and I believe this still has maintained to be true, that there were five people who didn't get on the plane.


PERINO: It's not unusual. Right? You could have somebody who could check into the flight, something happened, you've got to go to the hospital, whatever. But usually those five people, at least, would surface to say, "Oh, my gosh, I almost took that flight."

But we don't have stories from them. And we have the two with the stolen passports with the connection to a Mr. Ali with an Iranian connection. So yes, I definitely think we should be thinking about it.

BECKEL: Those five people, whoever they are, they're lucky sons-of-a- bitch.

"One More Thing" is up next.


BOLLING: Time for "One More Thing." Dana kicks it off first.

PERINO: OK, well, it's a special night on Red Eye tonight, so if you haven't learned to use your DVR, try it. then you can do "The Five" and then Red Eye. Because the legendary writer and editor, P.J. O'Rourke, is going to be on, and I'm going to be on, too, which is really the special part.

BECKEL: He's great. He is great.

PERINO: Yes, he's great. And this is one of Greg's heroes. He's going to be on the whole hour. It's going to be great.

BOLLING: Very good. All right, Andrea.

TANTAROS: OK. For those of you who are still reeling over The Bachelor, I come bearing very good news. Remember this?


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That is so fetch.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Gretchen, stop trying to make "fetch" happen.
It's not going to happen.


TANTAROS: It's not going to happen, but guess what is happening? A "Mean Girls" reunion. Yes, Lindsay Lohan announced on Jimmy Fallon ten years later, they -- the awesome foursome will be getting back together to make "gruel" and "fetch" and all those other things happen. So get ready, losers.

GUTFELD: Saturday night at Bob's.


TANTAROS: Speaking English.

BOLLING: Mr. Greg, you're up.

GUTFELD: So this is a big story. A couple was attacked and trapped by their cat. A 4-year-old cat in Portland, Oregon, and here's the 911 call.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: My cat attacked our 7-month-old child. And I kicked the butt -- the cat in the rear, and it has went off -- over the edge, and we aren't safe around the cat. It's a very large Himalayan, and we're trapped in our bedroom. He won't let us out of our door.



UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you hear him screaming? That's the cat.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I hear him. Hold on. Keep your door shut, OK?


GUTFELD: The child is fine, but that is one of the...

PERINO: What about the cat?

GUTFELD: I love hearing the cat answer the 911 call. Anyway, this is why I'm afraid to call 911.

TANTAROS: Wasn't that Andy Levy?

GUTFELD: Yes, it was Andy Levy.

BOLLING: He's a very large Himalayan cat. Bob, you're up.

BECKEL: All right. This interesting little piece of footage we have took place during a preseason game between the Marlins and the Mets. And one of the Marlins hits a home run.

And I want you to watch the people running for the ball when it clears the fence. If you look up top, there's a dad holding onto his kid in a crib. And he lets it go. And the -- as he's going for the ball, the poor kid, whatever that thing you want to call it is, went downhill. And I will bet you his old lady gave him more heat over that.

BOLLING: She's chasing it.

BECKEL: I mean, unbelievable.

BOLLING: Very good.

GUTFELD: Take his kids away. I'm kidding.

BOLLING: OK. So "One More Thing," President Obama is literally down the block here. Take a look at this picture. He showed up at the Gap to pay homage to the Gap for purposefully raising their own minimum wage from whatever it was up to $9 an hour this year. And they're going to get to
$10 an hour next year. You can see, I guess he's shopping for a sweater for one of his daughters. It looks like a pink sweater.

TANTAROS: Should get some new jeans.

BOLLING: Yes, the mom jeans section.

PERINO: Hope that was made in America.

BOLLING: The mom jeans section is a little bit down towards -- towards 43rd Street, President Obama, in case you need that.

BECKEL: The momma jeans? What?

BOLLING: He only wears mom jeans.

TANTAROS: High-waisted, pleated front.

BOLLING: We've got to go.

BECKEL: You pay $200 for ripped jeans.

BOLLING: I don't.

BECKEL: Yes, you do.

BOLLING: Don't forget to set your DVRs to never miss an episode of "The Five." We'll see you back here tomorrow.

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