Sign in to comment!

The Five

Leno shows softer side in emotional 'Tonight Show' farewell

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," February 7, 2014. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Eric Bolling, along with Kimberly Guilfoyle, Bob Beckel, Dana Perino, and Greg Gutfeld. Dana is moving.

It's 5 o'clock in New York City. And this is "The Five."

(MUSIC)

BOLLING: Jay Leno's first night on "The Tonight Show" was on May 25th, 1992. He made tens of millions of Americans laugh over the last 22 years. But we rarely got a glimpse of the softer side of Jay. Last night was the exception.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JAY LENO, "THE TONIGHT SHOW": This has been the greatest 22 years of my life. First year of this show, I lost my mom. Second year, I lost my dad. Then my brother died. And after that, I was pretty much out of family. And the folks here became my family.

And I'm really excited for Jimmy Fallon. You know, it's fun to kind of be the old guy and sit back here and see where the next generation takes this great institution.

And in closing, I want to quote Johnny Carson, who was the greatest guy to ever do this job. And he said, I bid you all a heartfelt --

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: All right. But the night wasn't entirely sentimental.
Here's part of his classic monologue.

Listen.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

LENO: Thank you, everybody. I don't like good-byes. NBC does. I don't care. I don't. I don't care for them.

Well, tonight is our last show for real. And see, I don't need to get fired three times. I get the hint. I get the hint.

The worst thing about losing this job, I'm no longer covered by NBC.
I have to sign up for ObamaCare.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: He had to get one of those in there, K.G.

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: That made me smile big old Pepsodent grin because that was a cute one.

I just love this guy. I don't want to say good-bye, Jay. I want to say hello. I just hope he gets picked up someplace else. How about FOX?

BOLLING: Now, Bob, are you a Jay Leno fan?

BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Oh, yes --

GUILFOYLE: Bob is crying.

BOLLING: Are you welling up?

BECKEL: Hell no. I was waiting to see whether his cat and dog died.
Listen --

GUILFOYLE: Terrible.

BECKEL: No, I mean, look, it's sad, but listen -- I don't follow these late night shows but it's amazing to me how many people do and how much they care about. There are so many people about the people, and what they're up, if they get in trouble or fired. I mean, can't they just have a no-drama late night show? I don't understand it.

BOLLING: I don't know.

BECKEL: No drama like right here. For example, if Dana has her Wi-Fi go off, that's no drama.

GUILFOYLE: Oh my God. Or Diet Coke (ph).

BOLLING: Or the dreams of Dana, or "The Five".

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: No, I had dreams of my five last night. It wasn't really a comedy, though.

BOLLING: So, what do you think of that? He really poured out his heart at the end.

PERINO: Yes, not easy to do, not easy to say good-bye to a thing that you helped build, that all of the good-byes, it takes forever. I actually am not for the big, long good-bye. I feel like we have been doing this for a month, just saying good-bye to Jay Leno.

I don't -- but we're going to see him do more. So I think it's interesting to see people that talented figure out a way to reinvent themselves as either younger people come up or technology changes. How can you continue to do amazing things every day?

So I look forward to seeing what it is and trying to follow in his footsteps. Not from a comedic standpoint.

BOLLING: Do you want to say a good-bye or a Jimmy Fallon hello?

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: I can do anything you want.

BOLLING: You are very talented. How about the good-bye?

GUTFELD: People are calling it the end of an era. It's not the end of an era. Johnny Carson leaving was the end of an era because everybody watched him. When Johnny Carson left, he left.

Jay Leno is not going to leave. You don't understand. He's done this twice. We're like going through his marriages. I mean, for him, work is marriage.

He's going to be -- in three weeks, he's going to be back doing another show. Warning to Jay, 3:00 a.m. is mine.

As for Jimmy Fallon, Leno constantly talked about Jimmy Fallon, and there was a strategy behind this. The strategy is: screw you Conan, because every time he says Jimmy Fallon is the next Johnny Carson, he's basically saying, Conan, this is because you got me canned. It's like making out with your girlfriend in front of your ex.

It's a very -- people are saying Jay is being gracious about this.
He's not. There's a legitimate strategy behind it.

BOLLING: They're all kind of looking at each other, all --

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: Hang in there.

Jay was on his game, delivering a funny yet poignant monologue. More fun followed, though. Oprah, Carol Burnett, Jack Black, and others delivered a raucous musical tribute in the form of "The Sound of Music"
parody. Watch.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JACK BLACK (singing): So long, farewell, I'll do this my dear. If Fallon tanks, you'll be back here next year.

CAROL BURNETT (singing): So long farewell, I'm here so what the hell.
For you last show, I'll do the Tarzan yell --

OPRAH WINFREY (singing): So long farewell you really raised the bar, if you were me, you'd buy them all a car --

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: That was cute.

BOLLING: That was fun.

GUILFOYLE: I like it.

GUTFELD: Yes. But again, not a big moment for anyone under 40.

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Most people have no idea because they're watching TV differently. People aren't going and saying, oh, my God, "The Tonight Show" is on, the way it used to be. People are watching TV at different times of the day. For example --

PERINO: Or Internet.

GUTFELD: This is nothing compared to how people felt when "Breaking Bad" ended, or when "Mad Men" ends.

BOLLING: Are you projecting?

GUTFELD: Yes.

BOLLING: Are you projecting right now?

GUTFELD: No, to what?

BOLLING: Because I take the opposite of that. I find moving on from Jay a little tough for me to do.

GUTFELD: It's because of the 20 years and you feel as though you have aged with him?

BOLLING: I kind of grew up with Jay. We went through, you know, bin Laden, first black president --

BECKEL: Yes, nothing to worry about. Dana is right. We haven't said good-bye. We're almost been a year to say good-bye to him as he's been on the air.

But, you know, the fact is he's going to be doing something. He's the kind of guy who cannot sit down. Johnny Carson went into genius retreat.
He just disappeared, went to Malibu, wouldn't come out, wouldn't talk to people. I thought that was kind of cool. Jay will be back out.

But I thought Kim Kardashian was supposed to be in this thing. Was he too much, the plastic was going to melt?

GUILFOYLE: She's in it. She's part of the singing part of it. You can watch. See, Bob, right there, in the white dress.

But, you know I like this, I really like him. I think he's a winner.
I don't know why they let him go. I like him better than Jimmy Fallon.
I'm sorry, always have.

PERINO: Oh, boy.

GUILFOYLE: I do. You don't?

BOLLING: Oprah took that singing part seriously.

PERINO: Oprah --

GUTFELD: I just don't like the blubbering over this.

BOLLING: We can only blubber for about six more minutes.

PERINO: Six minutes more.

GUTFELD: Six.

PERINO: So get your game face on. OK?

Yes, I think Oprah took it seriously because Carol Burnett, she knows she can't sing well, so she was going for it, but Oprah tried to sing well.
I would sing horribly, it would sound so bad.

GUILFOYLE: She didn't do a bad job. I like to --

(CROSSTALK)

BECKEL: Here she is. I guess the heat was down.

GUILFOYLE: I guess you have a type, Bob. It looks like you have a type.

GUTFELD: Why is she there?

BECKEL: I have no idea.

BOLLING: That was the one thing. There was a reason for just about everyone.

PERINO: Trying for the under 40. Trying for the under 40 crowd.

GUTFELD: That was a demographic. How about this? The results of a star-studded what's next with Jay montage. Check it out.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why don't you take all this newfound time and develop an interesting hobby like working on old cars.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Actually, Jay does work on old cars. He's got a whole garage full of them.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: OK, well maybe Jay with your newfound time, you could finally invite me over to your (EXPLETIVE DELETED) garage.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Jay, do what I do. Use your down time to paint.
I love it. Check it out.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Jay. I know you're happily married to a wonderful woman who you would never cheat on, but if Mavis ever gives you a one-time hall pass, I'm your girl.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: (INAUDIBLE) what they think he should do.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why would I give a (EXPLETIVE DELETED) what he does? He's a grown man. Let him figure it out for himself. I got a job.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Or he would do this. A lot of people who are sitting around to do nothing to make money, they sell meth. You could do that.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my gosh. See, you're liking it more now.

PERINO: Well, that part was pretty funny. I'm amazed at the promotion and the expense and all of the effort. Obviously, a lot of effort on the staff level, at the network, there was a lot of love for Jay Leno. They wanted to make the good-bye as warm as possible, and they have put a lot of money into it.

Now, will they put corresponding number of resources behind Jimmy Fallon's rollout? Are we going to talk about Jimmy Fallon for the next month? But I will be interested to see what kind of promotion they try to hold that audience that Jay Leno has been -- he leaves with a 15-year high in terms of the ratings.

GUILFOYLE: But this is also part of, I think, the Fallon promotion because they're trying to get everybody to watch and get a lot of fans to make people's eyeballs focus back on "The Tonight Show" again. This is the first part of the bookend, and we'll see what Fallon can bring.

But one of the thing, Dana, you brought up, I thought was so great, was that the staff loves him. He is beloved. They really like this guy.
He's a class act. People don't have anything bad to say about him. And he'll subsidize the staff salaries --

GUTFELD: Well, not everybody.

GUILFOYLE: Well, except for you. You --

GUTFELD: No, no. Actually, I like Leno. Not a fan of his writing staff. For some reason, they have a knack of coming up with jokes days after they have appeared elsewhere.

BOLLING: You know of anybody?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes, I know a few.

GUILFOYLE: By the way, they made fun of me on that show and I still like him. They talked about my divorce.

BECKEL: Let's keep in mind how much money they make on these TV shows, these late night shows, these networks, a fortune. Well, they make a fortune on the show because there's not a lot of expense except for the host you've got to play, and few other people. But by and large, they make a whole lot of money.

BOLLING: And there's one other trick, the reason why they spend so much time and effort on the late night show is because when you turn the show off that night, you turn the TV back on in the morning, you want your morning show front and center.

BECKEL: By the way, Martha -- did you see Martha Stewart asking him for a date? Like she went out was looking for date she did in another instance.

GUTFELD: And she didn't ask you, remember? We were setting that up.

BECKEL: I know. It's like she --

BOLLING: Are you still available?

PERINO: She's taunting.

GUILFOYLE: Martha is not Bob's type.

BOLLING: I say we set that up. We try it one more time. We circle back.

BECKEL: No, we're not.

BOLLING: Did we circle back on that?

GUTFELD: Yes, we did.

BOLLING: Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, and Jimmy Fallon shared the late-night spotlight with Jay. Here's how they said good-bye.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CONAN O'BRIEN, COMEDIAN: That's right. NBC has the Olympics. It's a big deal. NBC will finally get to show somebody who is OK with passing the torch.

DAVID LETTERMAN, COMEDIAN: Our friend Jay Leno, 22 years as host of "The Tonight Show", 22 years. That's remarkable, isn't it?

Now retiring, congratulations on a wonderful run. And I'll tell you something. If I was Jay Leno, and I was retiring, you know what I would do? I would go out and buy myself a car.

JIMMY FALLON, COMEDIAN: Jay, thank you very much. He's been a great guy. I'm going to miss him.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: All right, we'll give -- I don't know, David Letterman, has he completely lost it?

GUTFELD: He's tired.

BOLLING: What is that?

GUTFELD: I don't know.

PERINO: I could have come up with --

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: -- predictable joke?

PERINO: No, but I also think that a lot of these jokes are recycled.
If you get one good singer, one in a night would be a success.

GUTFELD: Conan's was good.

GUILFOYLE: How come nobody is ever replacing Letterman? Like why is everybody trying to go for one seat?

BOLLING: What about that?

GUILFOYLE: No, I'm serious. Like he's sitting there like ruling the roost, feeling himself, and everybody else, like Conan in the chair, then Leno in the chair, then Fallon in the chair.

BECKEL: CBS doesn't play this game of having these other late late- night shows. I just want to say, we were watching that. Dana said, this is the longest 12 minutes in television, and I want to say that to play off a certain host, it is rather long, Jay, and we have enjoyed it, but -- man, stop.

BOLLING: You're done with it? We're done with it?

BECKEL: I say good-bye.

BOLLING: We tied it up with a bow? Saying goodbye?

All right, you must stay with us because Bob is going to make good on a Super Bowl bet he lost to me. He's going to settle it by wearing this little number here, this blouse.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BECKEL: Give me a break. Give me a break.

(LAUGHTER)

BOLLING: Check out this hot little number.

BECKEL: Get out of here. Are you kidding me?

PERINO: There's no way that's fitting Bob. You're going to look so good in that, Bob.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BOLLING: Yes, Bobby, you're going to look great in snakeskin and cream. Definitely your color.

Up next, the Olympic Games begin with its newest event, slope style.
Very cool stuff. We'll show you.

Plus, did Bob Costas really hail Comrade Vlad as a peace maker?

GUILFOYLE: Correct.

BOLLING: When "The Five" returns.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUILFOYLE: All right, you like that?

All right. The Winter Olympics is under way in Sochi, Russia --

(CROSSTALK)

BECKEL: -- that guy.

GUILFOYLE: Whatever, both.

BECKEL: OK.

GUILFOYLE: The games go on until February 23rd. Now, President Obama won't be there, but he talked to Bob Costas about his relationship with Vladimir Putin.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: We tend to have pretty blunt conversations. The one thing I will give Mr. Putin credit for is when we sit down and talk, there's not a lot of beating around the bush or niceties. I think it's all business, and I tell him where I strongly disagree with him, and he does the same.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: A lot to say about that. All right. Well, Costas just did a profile on Putin, and evidently, he sees him as some kind of peacemaker.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BOB COSTAS, NBC SPORTS: In the past year, Putin brokered a deal to allow Syria to avoid a U.S. military strike by giving up its chemical weapons, and helped bring Iran to the negotiating table over its nuclear intentions.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: All right. Well, this is a FOX News alert, because Bob Costas apparently has a gigantic Russian man crush on Vladimir. That's how I see it.

BOLLING: That's the only --

GUILFOYLE: He is dealing himself some Vlad-i-cat, let me tell you.
Right? What is this? What is he doing?

BECKEL: Well, I -- let me tell you, first of all, I am a very, very, very big fan of Bob Costas' sports --

(CROSSTALK)

BECKEL: No, no, he is very good. He's lasted a very long time.

But when we had something on him, remember when he did that thing in the NFL about guns?

PERINO: Football.

BOLLING: Guns, yes.

BECKEL: I saw him, he was upset with "The Five". He was upset. He was upset with me because I said something about it. I talked to him at the train station. I said, Bob, it was a little shock to me that you would be talking about guns at halftime.

This is sort of the same thing. This is a very complex issue here, I mean, what Putin's role was in Syria and what his role is in Iran. Neither which of probably were very good. I just wish, because I like him so much, he would do what he does best, which is stick with sports.

PERINO: Or what they should do at NBC is -- I'm sorry.

BOLLING: No, no, go, go.

PERINO: I was going to say, what they should do at NBC is -- so they have the Olympics team that is writing the copy for somebody like Bob Costas to read from the teleprompter, and what they need to have is somebody from the political desk or the State Department, an NBC reporter who covers the State Department, because if Bob Costas isn't going to be up to speed on what is happening, the tragedy of what's happening in Syria, and what is happening there, somebody else should be there to help him, and somebody should -- should just, you know, fact check it and say, this doesn't exactly sound right.

To Bob Costas, as he's reading it, does he think, wait a minute, are you guys sure? We're going to call -- does it occur to him to say, yes, we're going to call President Putin a peacemaker? Is that right? I think they fell down on the job staff wise.

GUILFOYLE: An irresponsible thing to say, Eric.

BOLLING: So, NBC hosting the Olympics. Bob Costas works for NBC.
NBC in a world of hurt right now because everyone is saying this is going to be the no-show Olympics. People aren't going to tune in. So, they're doing everything they can to make it look less corrupt, less dangerous, less everything, more peaceful, Vladimir Putin is a peacekeeper.

Though, he's playing the corporate game. But I agree with you, Dana, when he reads that, he's got to be thinking, am I reading something I would be saying?

I don't think so. I agree with you. I think he's reading something from the political arm of NBC says, read this because we've got to smooth this over.

I mean, there are terror threats, there are threats of hotels falling apart, corruption, issues on where they stand on gay marriage. They're trying to downplay all that stuff and make it look like peaceful, fun and games.

GUILFOYLE: OK. Well, yes. So, is NBC some kind of Russian propaganda network?

GUTFELD: There's also something he said about his crackdown on gay rights. He didn't go completely in the bag with Putin.

However, Costas' opinions are not why you hire Costas. The only person to know that is Costas.

To talk a bit about Obama talking about Russian exceptionalism that he finds his tough-guy world so silly, the same why he finds our exceptionalism a bit weird, but that's OK if you can beat him. The problem with laughing at Putin is that (INAUDIBLE) is making Obama into his own nesting doll.

Putin is a bad guy, but he's good at it. Obama is a good guy who is bad at it.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, and Obama, you saw he made that statement. I speak strongly to him, because he knows that Putin doesn't respect him. That's a fact. He just does not.

GUTFELD: I have a feeling Bob Costas when he talked about guns was very heartfelt about it. He believed it and wanted to take that opportunity.

On this one, I agree with Dana. Somebody wrote this. They could have sat down with Bob Costas, read that, and said, Bob, this is not right.
It's just -- this guy has caused more trouble for us in Eastern Europe and threaten more Eastern European countries, not to mention the fact he's one of the greatest modern mass murderers in the world.

GUTFELD: You know what? His eyeball as we -- Costas' eyeball was very red. I don't know if you saw that last night, and droopy. It should be the official mascot.

GUILFOYLE: All right. I got something good for you. Are you ready for it? Let's listen to this. Fantastic, slope style. But first, here's what Bob Costas had to say, and we're going to chat it out.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

COSTAS: I think the president of the IOC should be Johnny Knoxville, because basically, the stuff is just jackass stuff that he invented and called Olympic Sports.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You mean that in the best possible way, though.

COSTAS: I mean it in the kindest possible sense.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: All right, Bolling, what did you say? You said something interesting in your breath.

BOLLING: Matt Lauer's goatee. Listen, I'm all --

GUILFOYLE: Is he your inspiration? Do you have a man crush on him?

BOLLING: I'm supposedly going to have to shave this off by the end of the weekend.

Look, if you see that sport there, OK, it's kind of like extreme games. We guess, he likes those kind of sports, young people like those kind of sports. It's not just downhill skiing. It's snowboarding, free- styling.

GUILFOYLE: I think it's fun.

BOLLING: They're going after the young demo. I think it's actually smart to do that. Evolve with the demo.

GUILFOYLE: What do you think?

PERINO: Who is the Jimmy Fallon of NBC Sports? Because it seems to me there is like a passing of the torch, maybe it should be in order for 2016.

BECKEL: You have it out for Costas, don't you?

PERINO: No, I don't. I'm the one who told you to give him the advice at the train station.

BECKEL: Yes, right. Exactly.

PERINO: More free PR advice. Just call me.

GUTFELD: I think slopestyle --

GUILFOYLE: I like it.

GUTFELD: It's not so much a sport. Or is a showing off of technique.
You're not racing against somebody, which is different, but I'm torn because it takes practice to do that. And anything that requires practice requires discipline. And if you can have people, you know, understand the value of discipline, it's a good thing. Wow, that was serious.

GUILFOYLE: Sean White was supposed to do this, slopestyle, but he withdrew on Wednesday, he said he has concerns about safety of the ramps --

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: I think it's funny that somebody who does that kind of trick actually is worried about safety. I don't think he's afraid of risks.

BOLLING: Can I read into Sean's comments?

GUILFOYLE: Yes, please.

BOLLING: I'm not going to win it.

PERINO: I have the one that -- because the Olympics, you can get sponsorship, but that's not where the money is. If he gets hurt on a course that he thinks is not properly maintained and he gets hurt, then he won't make the money later.

GUILFOYLE: He also wants to go for his third straight gold in the halfpipe.

BECKEL: The half -- the guy that I interviewed in Sochi, I wonder if that was (INAUDIBLE), if he wants to get in touch with me. The only thing is they took away from my favorite sport, which is guys in cross country skiing take their guns, lie down.

GUTFELD: Yes, biathlon. Is that what it's called?

PERINO: That's just riveting television.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God. I love it. I love it.

All right. Directly ahead, Republicans aren't going to pursue immigration reform until President Obama can be trusted. Never.

You're going to hear from Speaker John Boehner on that when "The Five" returns.

It's called an ad-lib.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: It is mass chaos in the commercial break, which we're not going to talk about. We're going to talk about this topic.

A week ago, House Republicans floated the idea of passing immigration reform this year, 2014. But yesterday, Speaker Boehner hit the brakes saying they're not going to move forward until the president gains their trust.

Here he is.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. JOHN BOEHNER (R-OH), SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: The American people, including many of my members, don't trust that the reform that we're talking about will be implemented as it was intended to be. It's going to be difficult to move any immigration legislation until that changes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: Charles Krauthammer is someone who thinks they made the right decision.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Republicans are absolutely right to say that if you cannot trust the president to carry out the law faithfully, and he hasn't even carried out faithfully his own law, which is amended 16 times and he's now going to continue to amend unilaterally and lawlessly, how do you expect him to carry out a law in which he's going to have to compromise on enforcement?

So, it's absolutely right. Not this year. Work on health care reform, win the Senate, and do it next year.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PERINO: It sounded like President Obama was sending the cops to arrest Charles Krauthammer because you could hear the siren in the background.

Eric, interestingly on immigration reform, I know that you have a long thought that it was a bad idea for Republicans to push it this year. But even people you wouldn't have expected to think it was a bad idea were telling John Boehner, not just members of the Congress, but all the pundits, et cetera are saying, this is not the right time.

Do you think it's the right tactic?

BOLLING: Absolutely. Look, comprehensive immigration reform could and should happen. It just shouldn't happen right now.

Get through the next election. You have a winning hand. ObamaCare is a colossal failure. Hang that across every Democrat you're running against. Win the House back, win the Senate, and start working on the other things later.

By the way, I'm not saying it shouldn't happen. I mean, close the borders and increase legal immigration. But right now, go through winner man, don't muddle the message. That should be the only focus.

PERINO: Do you think they have a point, Greg, that the reason they say they're not going to move forward is that they don't trust that the president once they pass the bill, that he wouldn't try to amend it through executive orders since he just gave a speech to them saying that he plans to do just that?

GUTFELD: It's a good political argument, but going back to what Eric said, you don't give up your wallet to a mugger if you have the gun.
They've got the power. They don't have to do this.

But the left are winning in one way, in the sense of redefining a desire for borders as xenophobic, which means if that's true, then the combination lock on my gym locker is bigoted because it excludes other people from getting in. But you can't have freedom --

GUILFOYLE: I wouldn't want to go in there.

GUTFELD: You can't have freedom without frontiers and limits enhance liberty. That's what you've got to do the enforcement of the borders first before -- if you put amnesty before enforcement, you can't collect a cover charge after everybody is in the party.

GUILFOYLE: That is so true.

GUTFELD: I tried.

PERINO: Bob, do you think they could maybe, in Congress, just try to hit a couple of singles, get on base? For example, do the H-1B visa in terms of -- I know we're going from football into baseball season, so I thought I would help.

Do you see what I mean? I think just do a few of those things rather than a big huge bill that America doesn't have the stomach for?

BECKEL: Well, listen, here's the problem that Boehner had. Boehner was smart enough to realize that the Republicans needed to do something on Hispanics because they're getting absolutely clobbers at the voting booth.
And this will not help him.

I tell you the reason he couldn't get this thing was, his caucus wouldn't go along with it. I mean, they were listening to the pundits.
And if I were them, right, I would do something, anything, but the Republicans now are going on three decades of being essentially anti- Hispanic in the view of Hispanics.

So, I don't get it.

GUTFELD: It's a view.

BECKEL: Huh?

GUTFELD: It's a view but it's not true.

BECKEL: Yes, but a view is what goes to the polling booth.

GUTFELD: But also, it's always about being comprehensive. You're talking about doing something which I think people are up for, but everybody gets -- has comprehensive pushed down their throat. So, in other words for you, screwed.

BOLLING: Where did you come up with three decades? I mean --

BECKEL: Well --

BOLLIN: Bush had --

PERINO: I think President Bush did, but when President Bush then tried to pass immigration reform in 2007, it was really -- well, everybody didn't play ball, but mostly the Democrats made a political decision not to do it that year, Bob. That was a political decision in the wrong way.

BECKEL: I agree with you. But where I get is what goes back to 1986 when Reagan did his, so the amnesty bill. He was opposed by most of the Republicans. It was not a bad bill.

The problem is they didn't enforce it among employers. So, that's where it goes back to.

PERINO: Kimberly, what do you make of all of this, right decision, not the right time?

GUILFOYLE: Yes. Well, this is what I think. No offense, call it like it is. Grade the paper -- F, F, F, on ObamaCare.

Now, why am I going to award you if I'm the American people or the senators, anybody now, and say, go ahead and do immigration? I quite frankly haven't been shown you have been able to do a good job of any of the other things that precede it. You haven't fixed ObamaCare. More jobs are going to be lost.

So why are we going to shove through immigration quickly, without support, and then have another big mess --

BECKEL: That's because part of you that is Hispanic, but you're a commonwealth, so you can come here anytime you want to.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: You watch UFC?

GUIFOYLE: Look at Bob. Look at the face.

BOLLING: You watch UFC, the fighting?

BECKEL: Yes.

BOLLING: If you have a choke hold on the guy and he's about to go out, ObamaCare.

BECKEL: ObamaCare, ObamaCare, ObamaCare --

BOLLING: Don't go for another hold.

BECKEL: God bless ObamaCare. If I'm a Republican, I'm for taking ObamaCare on, all the way to the election. Don't let anything get in the way.

GUTFELD: Who are you doing right now?

BECKEL: I'm doing Jesse.

GUTFELD: OK.

PERINO: Because I thought you were doing some Democratic politicians who pretend to have a Southern accent when they go --

BECKEL: Oh my!

GUILFOYLE: Ahem, President --

PERINO: Ahead, Valentine's Day in just a week. Greg's got some pointers for all the men out there on what to do for their honeys.

And later, Bob --

GUTFELD: Honeys?

PERINO: Well, that's what they wrote.

GUTFELD: You don't have to say what they wrote.

PERINO: Murder she wrote.

OK. Bob, then, after that, this is what you're not going to want -- you're not going to want to miss.

Greg, why do you do that to me?

GUTFELD: Why are blaming me?

PERINO: You ruin my teases all the time.

And, later, Bob is going to slip into something a little more comfortable. He is settling a bet he lost to Eric. You don't want to miss that, coming up on "The Five".

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: Don't, Greg.

GUTFELD: Sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: I hate balloons. I hate Valentine's Day balloons.

GUILFOYLE: Balloons don't like you either.

GUTFELD: All right. Valentine's Day is a week away. Since no man plans this far in advance, what if they did?

It's on a Friday, so you can't get out of it by saying you have a big day of work tomorrow.

PERINO: True.

GUTFELD: There are some tips.

Don't pick a new spot and avoid themes. Unfamiliar plus exotic equals diarrhea.

Avoid restaurants with Valentine's Day specials that require a coupon.
Love is different than getting your car washed.

Don't pick an unusually fancy joint. That reminds her of the mediocrity of your usual spot. If you normally eat at McDonalds, go to a different McDonalds.

Don't buy stuff that becomes clutter. Gifts should be worn, eaten, or die in a vase.

PERINO: Agree.

GUTFELD: Anything that hangs around is depressing. I speak of helium balloons and cats.

If you think an acquaintance would be surprise by a card, don't do it.
As much as I'd like to, I'm not sending one to Maria Bartiromo, although I think she winked at me.

Don't ask what do you want for Valentine's Day -- because she'll say nothing. And that's what you'll get at night.

If you're single, don't propose. You don't need an excuse to make life's biggest decision -- do you buy a car because it's the Indy 500? No.

They say they don't want flowers, they want flowers. And don't forget mom or her allergies. No chrysanthemums. Get tulips. Forget cactus. Old people sit on them, sometimes they mind.

Finally, always have a plan B. If a night goes bad, have a twister mat at home. It's how Dobbs and I keep things fresh.

GUILFOYLE: Poor Lou.

GUTFELD: Poor Lou.

I'm going to go to the guys because it's harder for them.

Eric, do you do anything or do you wait until the last minute?

BOLLING: No, I do stuff.

GUTFELD: You do?

BOLLING: In fact, I tried to get a reservation last week, and they're booked for next week.

GUTFELD: Olive Garden?

BOLLING: No, not Olive Garden. A place Dana knows very well.

PERINO: Which one?

GUTFELD: Don't say it because --

BOLLING: I can't say.

GUTFELD: They didn't give you a reservation, you shouldn't say it.

BECKEL: I won't say.

BOLLING: It has two numbers in it.

GUILFOYLE: Twenty-one.

GUTFELD: There you go. That's Bob's date's age.

GUILFOYLE: Actually, that's the alleged age, OK?

GUTFELD: That's what you tell the police. I thought she was 21.

GUILFOYLE: The most delicious candy ever.

GUTFELD: Do you do anything on Valentine's Day that's any different than what you do every night?

BECKEL: Now, let me just say, one thing you said in the monologue is very important. Guys, if you're out there and you're single, do nothing on Valentine's Day. Nothing. Because I'm telling you, they get on your back anyway about getting married, right? They want to dig at you.

Valentine's Day, you're giving them a free pass. Don't do that. I'm telling you, it's a bad idea. Stay home, watch the tubes, go to a massage parlor, but do not go out with anybody on Valentine's Day.

GUTFELD: Wow, that's a strong statement, Dana. What's the worst thing a guy should do and what's the worst gift you ever got?

PERINO: Well, I am a little older now, so I don't like to get calories.

GUTFELD: You're only 53.

PERINO: I don't like anyone to give me calories. When you say they should be eaten or die in a vase or worn on the wrist, I wouldn't do -- no calories.

GUILFOYLE: I like calories.

PERINO: I know, but you're a blessed person.

GUILFOYLE: I think I have almost eaten that whole place of chocolate.

GUTFELD: You have places to put those calories.

BECKEL: She does, man.

GUILFOYLE: But I have to replenish.

GUTFELD: What was your most memorable gift? I'm sure it came with four wheels.

GUILFOYLE: OK, couple cars, jewelry, watches. And then one time, though, in a downer year, I got a cactus with a card that said watch out for pricks. That's not a good gift.

GUTFELD: That's not a good gift.

BECKEL: You know, if it were me who said that, I would be pulled upstairs.

GUILFOYLE: Cactuses are free. That was funny.

BECKEL: So that was four of your husbands --

GUILFOYLE: I only had two husbands.

BECKEL: Did you ever expect a guy to propose to you -- anyone here propose on Valentine's Day?

GUILFOYLE: No, it all happened in Mexico. I always got engaged there.

PERINO: Don't they have Valentine's Day in Mexico?

BECKEL: Whoever marries you again, I have only piece of advice to them?

GUIFOYLE: What?

BECKEL: Prenuptial.

GUILFOYLE: I don't think --

BOLLING: For her.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, that's right, Bolling!

PERINO: Yes, right.

(CROSSTALK)

BECKEL: I was going to say something when you said you asked for reservations. I said, what are you going to do with your wife? But now, I won't say it.

BOLLING: Ooh!

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: All right. This is the thing that, it's like, what do you do for the rest of the year with this?

PERINO: Haven't we brought this dog out three days in a row?

GUILFOYLE: Don't do anything bad to it.

PERINO: Hug it.

GUTFELD: You use it to transport narcotics. That's what you do.

All right. Ahead, the Beatles invaded America 50 years ago today.
Who could forget their classic hits like "Who Are You" and "Won't Get Fooled Again"? We'll look back at the impact of this legendary Canadian trio and a decade since.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BECKEL: Fifty years ago today, the Beatles arrived in America. John, Paul, George, and Ringo landed at JFK airport here in New York City on February 7, 1964. Rock 'n' roll changed forever.

Well, first of all, I'm the only one old enough at the table to remember this.

GUILFOYLE: That's a fact.

BECKEL: Sorry, Jack.

GUILFOYLE: OK.

BECKEL: But the -- but I will say this. Do you agree that the Beatles changed America forever?

BOLLING: Me?

BECKEL: Yes.

BOLLING: Worst band ever. Worst band ever.

GUILFOYLE: You're going to get lit up!

BECKEL: How could you say that? Are you kidding me?

BOLLING: Rolling Stones, The Who, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, these are real bands. These are rock 'n' roll bands. I don't know what that puff crap was. I can't stand it. For 50 years -- I've been listening to this stuff for 50 years.

BECKEL: Did you ever listen to "The White Album"?

BOLLING: "The White Album"? OK. There's a couple -- Helter -- a couple of songs, but that's it.

BECKEL: That's sacrilegious. That is sacrilegious.

Go ahead.

GUILFOYLE: I don't like them either. But I like Elvis.

BECKEL: I can't believe -- I'm sorry I did this segment. All right, Greg, I'm sure you love them.

GUTFELD: No. To me, I mean, the Beatles are probably -- not only were they the most successful at what they were doing, they were experimental, which was unusual. And the best thing about the Beatles is that they broke up.

Look how pathetic The Who and the Rolling Stones and Aerosmith look now. Aerosmith looks like a gaggle of bridge ladies. Rock is not for the ages. They broke up; that made them great. There are only a few bands that aren't embarrassing. U2 isn't embarrassing, the Melvins, as they get older. But generally, it's grotesque.

GUILFOYLE: U2 is amazing.

BOLLING: Didn't they break up when the only band member with a brain died, was killed?

GUTFELD: Who? The Beatles?

BOLLING: Yes.

GUTFELD: No, they broke up in, like 1970, the early '70s.

BECKEL: Most of these guys are brain dead.

GUILFOYLE: I thought John Lennon was the best part of them.

BECKEL: Do you like the Beatles?

PERINO: I always thought of the Beatles as kind of like my parents'
band.

GUILFOYLE: Right.

PERINO: You know, and a lot of people know the words to the songs so you can sing along. And it's pretty fun.

GUILFOYLE: It wasn't for my time, either. I don't understand this.

PERINO: I'm going to -- I think that the Oak Ridge Boys, that's a good band that stays together.

GUTFELD: OK.

BECKEL: I'd like to apologize. I'd like to apologize to all the Beatles fans out there for my colleagues.

BOLLING: Would you really -- Greg, do you really consider the Beatles rock 'n' roll?

GUTFELD: Of course. George Harrison is an amazing guitarist. An incredible guitarist. John Lennon wrote incredible melodies. Not crazy about the lyrics, but I...

GUILFOYLE: I think they're very talented. Right. I think they're talented.

BOLLING: I'm not saying they're not talented as individual musicians, but when I think of rock 'n' roll, I think of more...

PERINO: Poison.

BOLLING: Just more guitar...

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: He loves the hair. Hair band. Because of the blow-out.

BECKEL: Why they were important -- you gals know a lot about music, but they, too. Elvis Presley was really the first king of rock 'n' roll, because he merged gospel with blues. And that's exactly what the Beatles did. When they came here, they changed. They got rid of all that old stuff I liked. They were a transitional group.

PERINO: That's true.

GUTFELD: There's a lot of music from the '70s. I would even -- I would include Led Zeppelin, which is a fantastic band, that were influenced by the Beatles. Because when the Beatles went psychedelic. If you ever listened to "Revolver," this was a band that did some really weird stuff that was then picked up by bands later.

BECKEL: Thank you, Gregory. And I've got to say, "One More Thing" is next. And excuse me again for all those...

GUILFOYLE: Bob's woman blouse is next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BOLLING: All righty, time for "One More Thing." If you remember, right before the Super Bowl, Bob and I had a bet on the Super Bowl. Bob took the Denver Broncos. I took the Seattle Seahawks. Bob lost. So the loser would be wearing the winner's choice of wardrobe. I chose a nice beautiful little blouse -- beautiful blouse for Bob. Bob...

GUILFOYLE: Show the ruffles.

BOLLING: Plus-sized triple-X, but I've got to tell you...

BECKEL: I will tell you, let me just.

GUILFOYLE: That's so mean.

BECKEL: You're getting a lot of yucks out of this. You have no idea what this is going to cost you.

BOLLING: The color goes with your eyes. The color goes with your eyes.

BECKEL: You have no idea how this is going to cost you.

GUILFOYLE: But why did you put suspenders in gray?

GUTFELD: This is like having Jay Behar a guest on "The Five."

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God! So mean.

BECKEL: I can't fill this thing out. Kimberly, how do you fill these things out?

GUILFOYLE: What?

BECKEL: I'm curious.

GUILFOYLE: You're filling it out.

BECKEL: It is -- it is the most disgusting thing you could have possibly given me, and you went out and looked for it.

BOLLING: So don't bet me. You've worn the blouse.

BECKEL: I'll tell you what. I'll bet you before the year is out, you're going to wish you never bet.

GUTFELD: Go.

PERINO: Politics. You need to bet him something on politics.

BECKEL: That's a good idea. I will.

GUILFOYLE: He wears stuff on his head and stuff on his body anyway.

BOLLING: We'll come back to your...

BECKEL: No, you're not.

GUTFELD: It looks like a snake actually ate Bob, and the head is sticking out of the mouth.

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: And the suspenders is stuck on his face.

BOLLING: Of course, Bob, why did you wear -- why are you wearing your shirt underneath that? I didn't call for.

BECKEL: Because, Eric, I didn't have time to get it off, that's why.

GUILFOYLE: I had to help button it.

BOLLING: K.G., what color handbag would you wear with this?

GUILFOYLE: Snakeskin.

BOLLING: All right, here we go. I'll go quickly. Just very quickly, tomorrow, it's been trending the last two weeks in a row. Do us a favor, let's get it trending again tomorrow morning at 11:30. And we're going to talk about the battle of the O's: Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly. OK, I'm done.

GUILFOYLE: So cool.

GUTFELD: Bad news in the world of crime fighting. John Morales, the actor who played McGruff the crime dog, the mascot that encouraged children to not embrace or trust people who were suspicious, generally people in trench coats, like myself. They raided his home. They found 1,000 pot plants, 9,000 rounds of ammo and 27 weapons and a grenade launcher. So he truly did take a bite out of crime and then kept it.

PERINO: That wasn't from "The Onion"? I saw that earlier. That's not a joke?

GUTFELD: No, it's not a joke, unless I got taken, but no, it's real.

PERINO: Oh, my gosh.

GUILFOYLE: Are you sure?

GUTFELD: Yes. I swear on a stack of...

PERINO: That is really sad. We just talked about him the other day on the show.

GUTFELD: Isn't that strange, Dana, how the world works? It is, yes.

BOLLING: Maybe we talked about him and then they busted him.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

PERINO: Like, we should check in on that McGruff.

GUTFELD: Dana, you're up.

PERINO: Yes, OK. Last night I had a -- remember when Sean was on here, Sean Hannity, and we asked him why he loved the show? And I said, I don't get enough feedback, I'd like to know from the viewers what they like about the show. So I did an unofficial Twitter focus group last night.
I'm going to read three of the many tweets that we got.

First, "You talk about serious issues and watching as if we're at the table with you friends. And one more thing, jasper is great."

GUTFELD: That's why you're doing this.

PERINO: No. Here's -- "I like 'The Five' for intelligence, humor,
beauty, and the bozo."

GUTFELD: That's got to hurt.

PERINO: And "It's a silly thing, but I like when they play good music when going to and coming back from commercials, too."

So lots more where that came from, but I loved the unofficial Twitter focus group.

BECKEL: I want to say to the "bozo" person...

BOLLING: How do you know they weren't talking about me?

GUILFOYLE: Bob is looking so feminine and cute in his shirt with his box of chocolates.

OK. I have an amazing "One More Thing" today. We are proud and happy to announce the birth of Zoey Skye Williams. There she is, born this morning at 9:35 a.m. Twenty 1/2 inches, 6 pounds, 12 ounces. And she is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful baby girl of Vashti Williams, who works with us here at FOX. And we just absolutely adore Vashti and look at her baby girl.

GUTFELD: She has no hair.

GUILFOYLE: So excited to have her...

PERINO: I felt pregnant for nine months, too.

BOLLING: Yes.

PERINO: I know.

GUILFOYLE: I'm glad she's here.

PERINO: Yes.

GUILFOYLE: Very excited.

BECKEL: She keeps that ridiculous calendar of Jasper up on the wall.

BOLLING: Before we go, there's a bunch of bikers outside. They wanted me to give you this.

GUILFOYLE: And congratulations to P.J., by the way, who's a proud father. Very happy to have -- now he's got a little boy, Chase, and now Zoey.

BOLLING: Congrats.

PERINO: Who's going to pick that up?

GUILFOYLE: Now you've done it, Bob.

BOLLING: All right. I guess that's a first, right?

PERINO: Now you've really gone and done it.

That was one heck of a week.

BOLLING: Have a great weekend, everyone. Don't forget to set your DVRs so you never miss an episode of "The Five." Be sure to be back here Monday.

Content and Programming Copyright 2014 Fox News Network, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Copyright 2014 CQ-Roll Call, Inc. All materials herein are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without the prior written permission of CQ-Roll Call. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright or other notice from copies of the content.