This is a rush transcript from "The Five," December 11, 2013. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Oh, hello, everyone. I'm Greg Gutfeld, with Andrea Tantaros, Bob Beckel, Eric Bolling, and she sleeps in a Christmas stocking, it's Dana Perino.
It's 5 o'clock, but you knew that.
GUTFELD: The North Pole is melting, and it's your fault, which is why for Christmas, Greenpeace has barfed out a fund-raising video featuring Santa looking like Saddam trapped in a spider hole.
Note to children: this really isn't Santa but a bad actor playing one.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP, GREENPEACE AD)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I bring bad tidings. For some time now, melting ice here, in the North Pole, has made our operations and our day-to-day life intolerable and impossible.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: It's like a Cialis commercial for middle-earth. He goes on --
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I have written personally to President Obama, President Putin, all world leaders. Sadly, my letters have been met with indifference.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: What's next? The Easter bunny on a rack? Proceed.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: My home in the Arctic is fast disappearing. And unless we can all act urgently, then I have to warn you of the possibility of an empty stocking, forevermore.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Next year, they're going to waterboard the Tooth Fairy.
And here lies the lesson: once someone's trying to scare the kids, it's because they loss on fact.
This is true in most issues in our time, the drug war, satanic heavy metal music, DDT hysteria, day-care abuse, rising gun crime. Once you focus on actual stats, the story dies. Far better to stoke fear than state the facts.
We used to call this propaganda. Now, it's called raising awareness. It's where Al Gore and global warming hysterics live. It's not about a tiny blip in temperature over a century. It's that the debate has been stained with lies, panic and fear.
The hysterics cried wolf so loudly that the wolf croaked. But the facts are finally winning. Global temperatures are flat-lining. That's not to say we shouldn't care. A gradual rise in temperatures will save lives. And the use of coal which hysterics hate would save millions of lives in third-world countries who burn far deadlier stuff.
So, it's not this Santa we need to worry about. It's the Santa in the White House. Fresh from trashing one-sixth of the economy, he's now eyeing climate change.
Do you think he's actually read the science? I doubt it. Like Greenpeace's Santa, he's being kept in the dark.
Dana, what about the children? What about the children?
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Forget the children, I was terrified.
GUTFELD: Were you really? I saw you went under the desk.
PERINO: I got a little nervous.
PERINO: First of all, I didn't know that he was Santa -- I mean, that he was British.
PERINO: That is an interesting thing for me. And also, that was the butler from "Downton Abbey"?
GUTFELD: Yes, "Downton Abbey." By the way, Father Christmas, he's British, right?
PERINO: Well, Father Christmas is for everyone. I guess.
GUTFELD: I guess so. What do I know?
PERINO: I think they should have had a redneck Santa. It would have been more persuasive. I think you're right about scaring children.
PERINO: But it's really the only thing that they have. One of the things I used to do at the White House, one of my first jobs while I was waiting for security clearance was reading the children's mail as it came in to the president. And there was a lot of stuff about 9/11.
Then there was this whole batch. And you could see, like, a word had gone out for all the teachers of the third graders in America to send in letters about global warming. And these kids were really worried that the earth was going to fall off.
GUTFELD: It's the nuclear war. When I was growing up in the '70s, the cold war that we were going to be bombed by Russia or USSR, actually, and so we would hide under desks and dream about that every night.
Eric, what did you think of the Saddam Hussein/Sheikh Mohammed --
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: That was great. So, on the week that this video comes out, the Earth, the globe, recorded its coldest temperature by far, 135 degrees below zero, shuttering all the records. And also tonight, after the video came out, the Chicago Bears played in negative nine degrees wind chill, which is, if I remember right, back in the day of Soldier Field, the toilets used to freeze. And guess what, they still freeze 25 years later.
Seventy percent of the country is blanketed in below-normal temperatures right now. So, the problem is that Greenpeace went with global warming again. Remember two years ago when they realized it may not be warming, it may just be changing and they went with climate change? But they went with global warming. They kind of screwed up.
If they had said the climate's changing, then maybe they had an argument, but they won't.
PERINO: And they equate -- if I could pick up on that point -- they equate terrorism with global warming. What they are doing in terms of using that picture of the Saddam Hussein look-alike or the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed mug shot, that's the equivalent for them.
GUTFELD: That's a good point. I just thought they were being shocking, but they were actually trying to make a point.
PERINO: Maybe I'm giving them more credit than they deserve.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: They threat people who don't believe what they believe like terrorists, right? I mean, isn't how that conflate anyone on the opposite side? I mean, the left has use the terrorists to describe people on the right a lot. I think they also, Greg, wanted to get the PETA crowd in here because they had "Khalid Sheikh Claus" bring up the reindeer. The reindeer in trouble.
I mean, how low do you have to go to Rudolph and Dasher and Dancer -- well, you know, they tried to scare the parents, and that is the whole crux of this. When you dig into the poll, people say, are the will, there's something happening with the climate. And they may say, well, we should do something about it, but they don't believe that it is a crisis. And they don't want taxpayer money to be used for it.
So, I'm surprised Santa didn't thank us for Solyndra and for all the things we spent millions on. So if you want to blame someone -- blame the White House. We've invested plenty. It hasn't changed it.
GUTFELD: You know, Bob, there could be things going on in the climate. There always is. And we don't know yet. And I'm inclined to -- I listen to all sides.
But the problem is, is when a side goes over the top that alienates anybody, right? That would be willing to listen. It just makes me not want to listen.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Well, the guy scared me because it reminded me of Hannibal Lecter. That was my real problem.
But I -- listen, you know, you are terrorists who don't believe in global warming.
BECKEL: We're never going to agree on this. You've got facts. We've got facts. We go back and forth.
Now, I wouldn't necessarily scare kids because of Santa Claus, but I would take those on the ice caps that are broken apart and look at those.
GUTFELD: Yes --
TANTAROS: Oh, Bob.
BOLLING: Freezing at an alarming rate.
The globe is getting colder, Bob.
BOLLING: No, it's not.
PERINO: No, but that's also global warming. See, it doesn't matter what the weather is. They claim that it's global warming.
BECKEL: Warm in certain parts of the world.
BOLLING: But, Bob, you know, you have to admit, the climate change -- the climate does change. You can't refute that. You guys got us. Climate change. You're right.
BECKEL: Part of the reason it's changing is because we've thrown all these carbon monoxides up there into --
PERINO: Do you think that -- do you think Greenpeace runs that ad in China or Brazil?
GUTFELD: I doubt it, because China, Russia and India would laugh at them, laugh, and throw them out of a window.
I want to move on. That was a stupid way to celebrate Christmas. Here's a nice way to honor Christmas. These are the guys of "Duck Dynasty." Of course, they're going on a USO tour. They're singing with General Dempsey. Here they are.
I am not much more Christmas carols or sing-alongs, but this is probably a better way, Eric, of feeling with the holidays.
BOLLING: These guys are absolutely on fire. You know why? Because they're good people. They're just good people.
You can do that. They can stand up, they can say their prayer at the end of the show, which I believe -- is it still in? I hope it's still in.
BOLLING: It may or may not be. So, look, they're just good, down-to- earth, solid quality people, and it's fantastic. I love what they're doing.
GUTFELD: You know what, this is -- the reason why I bring this up, it's a contrast from Greenpeace.
Greenpeace are environmental activists. These are actual environmentalists because they live in the environment. If they kill something in order for that to survive, they have to raise more of them. So they know more about wildlife than any activists would.
TANTAROS: Yes. And they also get a bad rap from a lot of folks because, let's be honest, they're religious, right? They represent that group of the population that we heard our president say clings to God and clings to guns. And you even saw Phil Robertson of "Duck Dynasty" come out and say, yes, the producers didn't really want us mentioning Jesus' name because they didn't want to offend Muslims.
There are something to people who are insecure about their beliefs when they see the people from "Duck Dynasty" who are so secure about their belief and really espousing what America believes in, that is so nauseating to them. They have to get them to try and change. What I think is ridiculous is they're reaching out to the troops.
Again, kids, the troops, can we leave these two groups alone? I guess not.
You can't leave them alone, can you, Bob?
BECKEL: It's not me leaving it alone. The Republican Party's adopted the troops. I mean, I'm all for the troops, too. Let's face it. Who uses the troops as a way to dump on Democrats and dump on lefties and all the professors and all the stuff, all the universities that are just all commies. And we hate the troops and you are terrorists.
BOLLING: Aren't you lefties anti-war terrorists?
BECKEL: No, not anymore.
BECKEL: I'm for going to war against Syria (ph).
BOLLING: Watch it. I remember you used to hang with Jane Fonda.
BECKEL: I hung with her for a bit, and she was good-looking, too.
She got off the gun, I got on the gun. No.
I mean, I was -- you know, I never was against the war in Vietnam, against the troops. That was against bad policy.
She made a terrible mistake and I think she paid a big price for it.
GUTFELD: Dana, I want to bring it to this point -- they have an album out, "Duck the Halls," which did not beat Britney Spears but almost beat Britney Spears.
PERINO: This close.
GUTFELD: It was this close. Britney spears' debuted, and they were still almost beating her.
PERINO: Which is great. Well, they are extremely popular. And what I like about these guys is how they decide to spend their free time.
PERINO: They decide to go on a USO tour, where they didn't go off to sunny vacations in the Caribbean. They decided to go and see the troops. And the troops love them.
So I think that they're utilizing their moment in time, their 15 minutes of fame, which is spreading out. They're using it in a good way.
BECKEL: One quick thing. When they were here when we had Willie on, his brother, they checked into the hotel down there, and they threw them out.
BECKEL: They thought he was homeless. He said, there's a public bathroom down the road.
GUTFELD: Anyway, I think President Obama should get coal in his stocking just as a reminder of how important coal is. Decision on Keystone is coming up anytime, right?
PERINO: Well --
BECKEL: That will be approved.
PERINO: The political news that happened this week --
GUTFELD: It will?
PERINO: I don't think so. I think that John Podesta, former Clinton guy who's now going back to the White House which I think is a couple of -- says a couple of things, that they're worried about Hillary -- they want to make sure everything's smooth for Hillary Clinton over the next two years. But also, he's been a very vocal opponent of the Keystone Pipeline. And I bet, Bob --
BECKEL: He said he's going to recuse himself from that decision. That tells me he's looking to cover his butt.
TANTAROS: You know what I noticed that they were backing off --
PERINO: That's true.
TANTAROS: When the head of the Environmental Protection Agency about four weeks ago, early November, told "The Boston Herald," you know what, I just can't come out and defend this administration's decision to block the Keystone Pipeline -- I thought, oh, wow. When the EPA is backing away from obstructing it --
BECKEL: Can we do any more Obama bashing here?
GUTFELD: No, it surprises me it's happening after he was re-elected.
TANTAROS: So weird.
GUTFELD: All right. Ahead, for those of you who have company Christmas parties this month, stay tuned for "The Five"'s and Bob's tips on what not to do with them. They could save your job.
Up next, "Time's" Person of the Year -- not me -- has been revealed, and we'll reveal our reaction. Exciting.
BOLLING: "Time" magazine announced their 2013 person of the year today. The finalists were Ed Snowden, Ted Cruz, Pope Francis, Edith Windsor and Bashar al Assad.
And the winner is --
(VIDEO CLIP PLAYS)
BOLLING: Jorge Mario Bergoglio or as the world knows him now, Pope Francis, is the first from the Americas and the first non-European pope in 1,272 years. Pope Francis is a man who lives like we Catholics believe Jesus lived. He shuns the papal palace for a modest apartment. He drives a 1984 Renault rather than being chauffeured around in a pope mobile. He's both Christ-like and likeable, a rare gift among men and women of the cloth.
As a very practicing Catholic, I, for one, believe "Time" chose the most influential person of the year. I like the choice.
Bob, let me guess, you like this one, too?
BECKEL: I do very much. I mean, they call him the people's pope and for good reason. I mean, he's gone out. He's brought the Catholic Church from way up in the -- you know, wherever that thing, the Holy See stood up there and talk down to everybody. He's out there walking the streets.
I like him very much. He's not from Europe, which is a good thing.
The other thing, though, that you -- I'm surprised you like him so much since he's anti-capitalist.
PERINO: No, he's not.
BOLLING: Well, that's not really -- look.
BECKEL: His stinging rebuke o capitalism.
BOLLING: Not necessarily stinging. He just says don't live for the sake of money, is what he said.
BOLLING: That's been a common thing.
PERINO: That's a Christian view.
BOLLING: Yes, it could be a Christian view.
PERINO: I thought it was a great choice, well-deserved. What is great about a choice like this is that he has been chosen to represent Catholics on the world stage. But there are millions of Catholics who practice on a smaller stage. So you have nuns that are teaching schoolchildren all over the world, missionaries, the Catholic charities work.
And so this, I think, represents them in a way that will hopefully advance the promise of Christian love.
BOLLING: You know what's interesting also? A lot of non-Catholics really like this guy. And that's a great sign.
Ands, your thoughts?
TANTAROS: I'm a non-Catholic, and I think he is fantastic. The way he reaches out to people, he's not afraid to get in the audience and coddle the disabled boys and kiss the people.
And I don't think he was being anti-capitalist, too. I agree. And I support him because he lives that edict. That's what he lives every single day. Don't get obsessed or driven by money which is something a lot of people have a hard time with.
But, Eric, I noticed Kathleen Sebelius was on the list. And I know sometimes it's hard because you're, like, why is she on the list for person of the year? But the "Time" magazine definition says the person of the year is the person, group, idea or object that for better or worse has done the most to influence the events of the year.
I think it really could be a runner-up, Kathleen Sebelius because she's influenced the events right here at home with ObamaCare. And when our economy gets sunken by this, it will affect the world.
BECKEL: Why -- how did that idiot Miley Cyrus get on there?
BOLLING: Wait, wait --
TANTAROS: Good question.
BOLLING: Let's stay on topic here.
We're going to get to some of the runners-up in a second. The pope called out the Catholic Church for being not inclusive when it comes to gays, when it comes to contraceptives and when it comes to abortion.
GUTFELD: Yes. But you know what, but my fear is why does it always have to be a man? Why does it always have to be a woman? Why isn't it a transgendered individual? Why not a slow loris? They've done a lot for our community.
Have you ever seen a not adorable slow loris? That should be the animal of the year.
But actually, in all seriousness, this is the death of the news magazine. This is just a stunt and they picked the pope because it was safe. Don't pat yourself on the back. They're doing it because they're scared. They don't know what else to do.
You know what? There are brochures at Duane Reade on doubt that are thicker than "Time" magazine.
I would have picked Ray Kelly because he has done more to drop crime nationwide than anybody by doing it in New York, and he saved more minority lives than any recent civil rights leader by initiating revolutionary crime policies.
BECKEL: You know, I remember when "Time" magazine named Khomeini as the man of the year, and it drove everybody crazy. That was right very close to when our hostages were taken. And I was shocked.
And then I realized that's what they were talking about, people who affected the world and in the most --
TANTAROS: For positive or negative.
BOLLING: Yes, for positive or negative.
GUTFELD: Stunt for "Time" magazine.
BOLLING: No one else thought Ed Snowden maybe --
PERINO: I thought that could have been -- I would not have been surprised if they had chosen him because of the definition that Andrea read.
BOLLING: Well, not necessarily good but influential. He's changed the way a lot of thinking is going around the world really.
BOLLING: Ted Cruz. You may not like him.
There's one that you may have -- Bashar -- not Martin Bashir, Bashar al Assad.
BECKEL: Martin Bashir is his cousin.
BECKEL: No, I think that's -- look, I don't think he's changed the world as much as the pope has. I want to get back -- can we get back to that idiot Miley Cyrus?
BECKEL: I mean, why that person even exists in this -- with the pope? You know, I mean, it's just crazy.
PERINO: I think it was just so that they could get publicity -- "Time" magazine could get publicity in the lead-up to this decision.
GUTFELD: That's all this is.
PERINO: They were trying to get under your skin.
BECKEL: Well, they got it.
TANTAROS: And get a younger audience, too, because she'll tweet about it and people will talk about her.
GUTFELD: Who picks this? Who makes these choices? Is it the staff? Who are they?
PERINO: Pick something out of a hat?
GUTFELD: These are people that aren't working anywhere else. Who's left at "Time"? Who's left at "Newsweek"? These are people who couldn't get jobs in new technology.
BOLLING: OK. So, then, who would be your person of the year, then?
GUTFELD: I would say Ray Kelly.
BOLLING: Ray Kelly, global?
GUTFELD: Yes, because I think the guy -- I don't care about the globe. I care about the United States.
Dana, your thoughts?
PERINO: I thought the pope was the best choice. I thought that he merited the award. And the reason I wouldn't -- I don't like the definition that they have because if Assad had been given this award, they see it only as a positive.
PERINO: So when you get "Time" man of the year, nobody is looking at the fine print to use the definition. They use that as propaganda for themselves.
BECKEL: I think the pope was the right choice.
BOLLING: Not Barack Obama?
BECKEL: No. Probably, second place.
TANTAROS: I would have probably chosen, on the list, Vladimir Putin over Assad because I think he's controlling most of what's happening, at least over in the Middle East -- well, and the world, you could argue.
Again, domestically, if this is just pro-America like Greg Gutfeld, I'd go with Sebelius. I mean, she's affected a good portion of the last year because of that darn Web site and the ObamaCare law.
BECKEL: Did you see Putin has closed off all journalists? He controls everything over there.
BOLLING: State-run media. We're going to leave it right there. I agree with Dana. I think we talked about this at Thanksgiving time or so, which one. Whatever, I agree. I love the pope choice.
All right. Coming up, bob was glued to the TV last night watching the Victoria's Secret fashion show.
BECKEL: It was great, too, man.
BOLLING: He wants to talk about it, I bet he does.
And also, the G-rated kiss that got a 6-year-old boy suspended from school and accused of sexual harassment. The ridiculous details when "The Five" returns.
PERINO: All right. An 8-year-old was suspended after using his finger as an imaginary gun in Florida, and a 10-year-old was suspended for shooting an imaginary bow and arrow in Pennsylvania. And now in Colorado, a 6-year- old has been suspended for kissing a classmate on her hand.
Little Hunter Yelton was accused of sexual harassment by officials at his elementary school for the act. He's been labeled a repeat offender because he once kissed a classmate on her cheek.
Here's Hunter talking about his crime.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HUNTER YELTON, 6-YEAR-OLD: It was during class, yes. We were doing reading group, and I leaned over and kissed her on the hand. That's what happened.
I just have a lot of energy. Six-year-olds, they have a lot of energy.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PERINO: Breaking development this afternoon is that after a national outcry, Hunter's principal now said his record is going to be changed from sexual harassment to misconduct. Now, Bob, if these rules --
BECKEL: Why are you coming to me first?
PERINO: Because I want to know if these rules had existed when you were in school --
BECKEL: I'd be in prison. I thought it's interesting.
BECKEL: I mean, are you kidding me? For kissing her hand? First of all, he was a wuss just to kiss her hand, number one.
PERINO: Well, he is only 6 years old.
BOLLING: No, he kissed a cheek and he got --
BECKEL: No, no. Then he went down to hands, man, because he got beat up on the cheek thing. I think it's depressing. Who knows? Sexually, he's all screwed up now.
BOLLING: You just called a 6-year-old a sexually screwed up wuss.
BECKEL: Yes, well, think what that did to him. These people shouldn't do that.
BOLLING: Well, they're probably screwing him up. I agree with that.
PERINO: I try to give deference to the school, Eric. They -- it sounds like if you read between the lines here, maybe there's behavioral issues that the teachers have had to deal with and they're trying to get the parents to focus, which apparently now the parents are all paying attention. Did this ever happen when your kids were growing up?
BOLLING: When I saw this story on "FOX & FRIENDS," I was outraged. I believe they're giving a 6-year-old a hard time for giving a girl a kiss on the hand. How much more respectful can you possibly be?
PERINO: Well, apparently, the girl was --
BOLLING: Patting him on the back.
PERINO: Apparently, the girl was uncomfortable.
I think the claim of sexual harassment is a little much, Andrea. What do you think?
TANTAROS: Now, you said it's misconduct.
TANTAROS: The little boy didn't know what sex was before, but now because of this attention, he's asking all these questions. Can't these administrators use a little bit of common sense that a 6-year-old boy, and one would think an educator would know this, isn't having these sexual thoughts, he just has a bunch of energy and it's natural?
And, by the way, little boys like girls. I mean --
BECKEL: That's right.
TANTAROS: I mean, if this little kid kissed a boy on the cheek, guess what? They would be saying he's experimenting, and we need to be tolerant. And this would be a totally different situation.
BECKEL: You know, I never have, in all the years we've known each other, I've never sexually harassed, have I? I guess I have --
TANTAROS: I guess --
PERINO: But, Bob, can we get Greg in here?
BECKEL: I wouldn't take -- I wouldn't take that -- human resources -- what do they call it human development? They tried to me to read a 20-page (INAUDIBLE) on sexual harassment, I get through one page. That was it.
PERINO: Yes, you wrote the manual on sexual harassment.
Greg, you seemed like you were really annoyed by that kid.
GUTFELD: I believe he was coached, when he said, "What can I say? I'm a 6-year-old. I have a lot of energy." That was coaching.
However, I'm still on his side because I believe as a society, we no longer handle problems amongst ourselves. We always go to a third party, an external social agent which is why common sense is always suspended when you go to an outside party to deal with it like a referee. It's no longer, hey, come on, he's just a kid. It's more like, no, it's sexual harassment -- because they've all been trained in schools to think this way and to use this horrible language.
Obviously, it's misconduct or Mr. Conduct. We don't want to be sexist here. But I do think there's something else going on here.
BECKEL: They're laying a lot of this stuff on these teachers. Too much pressure on them. You know how many hours kids spend in school? It's much longer than used to be because --
PERINO: With all the snow days? We didn't get to that part, which is, you know --
BECKEL: How many school days did you have in Wyoming?
PERINO: In Colorado, we'd only have a snow day if the administrator couldn't get from his house to the end of his driveway which was a quarter of a mile on a tractor.
GUTFELD: You weren't allowed outside in snow.
BECKEL: Did you ever get caught in snow drifts?
PERINO: No, because I was in my room reading.
GUTFELD: You both got a concussion from a snowflake.
All right. Ahead, a lot of eye candy at last night's Victoria's Secret fashion show. Bob, Greg and Eric are going to give you their reviews. Plus, former Victoria's Secret model Gisele Bundchen posted a picture on Instagram that's getting a lot of attention from critics, but is there anything wrong with it? That's next.
TANTAROS: That was Taylor Swift from last night's Victoria's Secret fashion show, also known as a must-see TV event for Bob. One of the most famous former angels, Gisele Bundchen, raised eyebrows recently with this picture she shared on Instagram -- breast-feeding her baby daughter while she was getting made up. And the photo was praised by some people who appreciate a mom who's working and caring for her child. And harshly criticized by others who feel that the photo was, as one blogger put it, outrageous and obnoxious.
So, Greg, I looked in the comments section of some of these Web sites where this picture is posted. They're either killing her or praising her. One woman who praises her says that I love she keeps her kid with her when she travels and they said she shouldn't be so jealous of her life. Everyone should focus on her own life and not hers. And she says, "Good for you, Gisele."
GUTFELD: One thing, there's nothing lower than a mommy blogger. That goes without saying.
BOLLING: You are in so much trouble.
GUTFELD: I don't care! Come after me, mommy bloggers!
TANTAROS: What's wrong with mommy bloggers?
GUTFELD: Because they always believe they're right about anything. And they're always angry. Oh my God! Look what's happening!
BECKEL: This is coming from Mr. Anger Management.
GUTFELD: Imagine -- this is the most depressing part of this story. Imagine if you're that kid, not then, but if your mom -- if your mom is Gisele Bundchen s your dad is Tom Brady, you'd better be good-looking. Because if you're not, you're going to have to stay inside for the rest of your life because those are the two most perfect specimens on the planet.
PERINO: But you'd be rich. Would you rather be good-looking or rich?
GUTFELD: I'm both. So, how would I know?
BECKEL: Why did you go fast Victoria's Secret so fast?
TANTAROS: Oh, I'm sorry, Bob.
BECKEL: I wanted to make a comment on that thing. Did you see the one with wings, negligee with the wings? What does she do with the wings when she gets in bed?
TANTAROS: I think she probably has them off by then.
BECKEL: Not bad.
TANTAROS: Let's get off that topic. Dana, another woman posted, "Here's the thought, Gisele, why don't you try fixing your own hair, fixing breakfast, packing lunches and breast-feeding than put yourself out there as some kind of supermom while someone else is at your beck and call is revolting."
And all I did was think about, I do not like Gisele Bundchen, but there was a woman doing my hair and makeup earlier today, and I kind of like it like Gisele, too.
You have a glam squad, Perino.
PERINO: I do.
GUTFELD: Go back to the mom bloggers -- whine, whine, whine.
PERINO: Yes, I was like -- just stop. I find it so boring. I find the complaints so boring.
She's -- here's what I think about Gisele. I have no idea what it is like to be able to reach the second shelf of the kitchen cupboards. My whole life, I've never been able I had to climb up on the counters. I just for one day, if I could just know what it was like to pull up a suitcase down without having to get off the step ladder.
BECKEL: Why don't you build the shelves lower?
GUTFELD: You know what I do? I go, it's a small world. It's awesome. And I shout at the children.
TANTAROS: Eric, do you think there's anything wrong with this picture? I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
BOLLING: I do, and I'll probably get in trouble for it. Two things. First of all, don't hate me, there's a time and a place for everyone. I just don't like this out in a public area.
GUTFELD: Getting makeup, you mean?
TANTAROS: You mean breast-feeding.
BOLLING: Breast-feeding is great, don't get me wrong. I don't know, whatever in the middle of everything they have going on there.
The other thing is, what is Gisele saying here? I'm such a regular person, I'm breast-feeding while three people do my hair and one person does my nails? Right, the hypocrisy of that picture, at least I'm seeing it.
TANTAROS: I'm going to play a little bit of a devil's advocate. She's a model and so that is her job.
Now, this is where she took some heat for actually saying that women should breast-feed their kids and a lot of people who don't took that offensively. And I can see that.
BECKEL: Well, I had some things to say about this. But Greg told me during the break I shouldn't say anything because all these women would start attacking me.
TANTAROS: Then talk about the Victoria's Secret fashion show.
BECKEL: Well, no, I can't talk about it, because you don't want to talk about. But it's OK because it was really good.
I'll tell you one thing. Look at that. Look right there. Look at that.
Now, is that not a good negligee right there? Absolutely.
TANTAROS: That's not a negligee, but it's lovely.
PERINO: What do they call that?
TANTAROS: Bra and panty set.
BECKEL: Is that a bra and panty set?
TANTAROS: Yes, it is.
BECKEL: I didn't know that. Mother of God.
TANTAROS: They're telling us to move on or Bob has to take a cold shower.
BECKEL: No, no. I think that -- I sort of agree with Eric on this about there's a time and place for everyone. If it had to be anybody that you had to look at, her, it was worthwhile, yes.
TANTAROS: All right, Bob.
You've been asking for this topic all night. Miley Cyrus, artist of the year named by MTV.
Dana, what do you think about this? MTV's news team say that they factored in her album sales, touring, airplanes and social media.
PERINO: Yes, I guess if they're looking at -- if it's based on fact and she meets all of those criteria, then I guess she wins. On talent, I don't really enjoy listening to her, except for that song, "Party in the USA." I have that song on my iPod.
TANTAROS: Eric, you're nodding?
BOLLING: Yes. Don't -- hate her for all that stuff, go ahead, the Santa Claus and whatever she's about to do next. There's going to be another twerking one. But the songs are great. I mean, her music is fantastic. "Wrecking Ball" is one of the better songs of the year. I think she deserves it.
TANTAROS: I do agree that "Wrecking Ball" is a damn good song.
GUTFELD: Technically, Miley Cyrus is an artist, because she does paint her nails.
By the way, let me clarify before I get all this hateful mail from mommy bloggers. I'm only talking about the annoying ones. So, if you're not annoying, I love you.
BECKEL: Oh, you bailed out, didn't you?
GUTFELD: You know, I was referring to the mommy blogger from "The Huffington Post" who made up that huge story about her child being bothered. I'm still mad at that.
BECKEL: Miley Cyrus -- Miley Cyrus is like Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy -- she was Hannah Montana, she was a wonderful person. She was great. My kids watched it on TV.
And now, they've got to watch her be a hooker. I mean, it's terrible. Ted Bundy started off as a nice kid and became a serial killer.
PERINO: Why are you saying -- she's not a hooker.
BECKEL: She looks like a hooker.
TANTAROS: And wait a minute. Since when have you had anything against hookers?
BECKEL: I don't have anything against them. I think they should be unionized, but that's beside the point. She puts herself up as something up as some big artists that's out there. And look at what she do, the Santa Claus.
PERINO: I will donate $1,000 to whatever charity you guys come up with if we don't have to talk about Miley Cyrus for the rest of the month. How about that?
BOLLING: What year did people stop calling him Santy Claus and start calling him Santa Claus?
BECKEL: I've always called him Santy Claus.
TANTAROS: All righty.
BECKEL: And I still believe in them.
TANTAROS: Don't move because the five us have some important tips on what not to do at the company Christmas party this year. So, stay right there.
BECKEL: Yes, I love that song. It's Christmastime, and it's time for another reminder of what not to do at your company Christmas parties this year. Something I know a good deal about.
Here are my five top picks. Number one, make sure you know which women are married at the party so you don't hit on a married one, OK?
Number two, if your office does exchange gifts, don't open yours and say, man, this sucks!
Number three, don't talk about what you did on official business travel. For example, a guy's out there with another guy from the office. They went out to a trip and they come back, and he says to them, "Man, that massage parlor was hot, wasn't it?" His wife was standing next to him.
Number four, don't complain about the fruitcake or use it for a bowling ball, in case it's the boss's wife's recipe.
And number five, don't pat the human resources woman on the butt. That's the best one there.
TANTAROS: It sounds like you have a little experience at that.
BECKEL: Well, yes, I don't even know if they're from human resources or not, but I never did understand what that meant.
TANTAROS: How about just don't pat any woman on the butt?
BECKEL: No, that's no fun. OK. Now Eric, do you pat women on the butt?
PERINO: Oh, my gosh.
BECKEL: You don't?
BOLLING: I have two. I would say, number one, don't -- definitely don't drink while you're at the party. Don't drink before. There's plenty of time to drink or do whatever you're going to do after the party.
And number two , whoever -- you bring your wife, your girlfriend, she's the only person in the world.
TANTAROS: Leave with her?
BOLLING: Leave with her. But also while you're there, she's the only person in the world.
BECKEL: Oh, yes.
PERINO: That's not very fun at the holiday party.
BECKEL: It's not -- well, you know, holiday parties, I bet Greg has a lot of experience in this. Greg, if you -- what's your hints for what not to do?
GUTFELD: Well, the worst thing I ever did was at a Christmas party when I shot that guy.
PERINO: That was horrible.
GUTFELD: No. Trying to make an impression. When you're young and you get invited to one of these things, you're like, "Oh, you know what? This is the time that my boss is really going to see who I'm really like." So you're going to wear something snazzy, maybe a novelty tie. "I'm going to wear a special tie. Maybe I'll try to make some small talk." Don't do that. Don't do that. Be as anonymous as possible. Don't make an impression. Better yet, don't go. I don't go to anything.
BECKEL: Dana, I bet you went to all your Christmas parties and brought cookies for everybody, didn't you?
PERINO: The only thing I've been able to make is pot roast lately.
Here's my advice. Don't go on an empty stomach, because if you do have a drink, that could lead to a disaster. So remember in Men's Health magazine, they used to tell people to eat 5 -- what, no, 15 almonds...
PERINO: ... or whatever before you go so you won't be that starving.
GUTFELD: You know why, though? If you're really skinny, the almonds look like abs. That's why we did it. That was the old secret.
BOLLING: Eat an even number, then.
GUTFELD: Yes. And then you have two little nipples. Those are the -- those are the macadamia nuts.
BECKEL: Greg, thank you very much. Andrea, Andrea. What is the worst thing you ever did at a Christmas party?
TANTAROS: I don't know. Probably hit the dance floor after too many vodkas and sodas or something like that, but when I was younger.
BECKEL: When you were younger? That's not true.
BECKEL: You know what? The worst thing I did was -- I worked at the White House. This is a true story. I passed out under the Christmas tree in the Green Room.
BECKEL: And I stayed there until 5 in the morning, and I got pulled out by the Secret Service. They didn't know I was under there. And they said, "It's time for you to go home, Mr. Beckel."
I said, "What time is it?"
And they said, "It's 5 in the morning."
"Well, the day's just begun."
TANTAROS: How about this one, Bob? Have you ever confessed to anyone that you liked them?
TANTAROS: We had a couple once in the office confess, and then they were actually engaging in PDA, and they became a couple.
BECKEL: What does PDA mean?
TANTAROS: Public display of affection. They were groping each other. She was like, "I love you!"
And he was like...
BECKEL: That's -- human intelligence [SIC] will get you for that. Right? You're not supposed to be groping in the -- one of the things about this, who keeps up with all these rules, anyway?
GUTFELD: The big question is why is -- is mistletoe still allowed when you are encouraged not to take part in such things? In a weird way, mistletoe encourages sexual harassment.
BECKEL: I think that's exactly what. That's a very good point, and I think that should be put in the human intelligence [SIC] rulebook, whatever it is.
GUTFELD: Human intelligence.
BECKEL: By the way, have you ever read the human intelligence [SIC] rulebook?
GUTFELD: Human resources.
BOLLING: Human resources, H.R. department.
BECKEL: Is that what it's called?
BECKEL: I just wish they'd pull me up there one time and have a trial, man.
GUTFELD: Oh, they will.
BECKEL: No, they won't.
BOLLING: I'm surprised they haven't yet.
BECKEL: The -- I mean, first of all, I've never done anything that would require me to go to human resources.
PERINO: Oh, really?
BECKEL: OK. That's what I said, and I'm going to stick with it. OK. "One More Thing" is up next.
GUTFELD: We're not really on right now, Bob, so you can talk.
BECKEL: I'm sorry.
GUTFELD: It's time for "One More Thing." Eric, you are up.
BOLLING: OK, I'll go first. Last night at the American Country Awards, Danica Patrick, racecar driver Danica Patrick, like you've never seen her. Check it out right there. She's dancing with show girls. It was in Vegas, so she decided to don the showgirl uniform. That's Danica Patrick in the middle, right there. A little while later she took to the mike, poked a little fun at herself. Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DANICA PATRICK, RACECAR DRIVER: That was fun. I've always wanted to do that. And the good thing about me, there's no chance of a wardrobe malfunction. Not much to malfunction. I hope that little bit didn't fall flat.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BOLLING: So good sport. By the way, we call her pro-racecar driver, because she's not only NASCAR; she's still part of the, I guess, the Indy car series.
BECKEL: The worst thing about her is she has to put her helmet on when she works. You can't see her. She's beautiful. Did you see her out here when she was here?
BOLLING: Oh, my goodness.
GUTFELD: I guess when you can't race, you get racy. All right. Who's next?
PERINO: I'm next.
GUTFELD: All right.
PERINO: I'm next, and I think I have a "One More Thing" that actually could have been a segment. And maybe we'll do it.
The Republican National Committee got together. They're thinking about the next convention. You remember, the conventions are really late. It's around Labor Day. They're talking about moving it up to June of 2016, which would be the earliest convention.
Hold on. Hold onto your hats. Wait, don't get too excited.
BECKEL: This segment -- this segment is going to be hell.
PERINO: And there's lots of cities that are vying for it, but the two front-runners apparently are Kansas City and Las Vegas.
BECKEL: And if I were you guys, I'd go to Las Vegas and then take cameras out to the Chicken Ranch.
PERINO: What could possibly go wrong at an RNC convention in Vegas? But I think that it could be good fun. Right? They've got lots of hotel rooms and food.
TANTAROS: I am Team Vegas.
BOLLING: Actually, the most -- well, one of the most interesting parts to that story is the timing of it. Because that's a real big issue. Right?
PERINO: The biggest.
BOLLING: They want to keep going earlier and earlier.
PERINO: And all the states are vying for it. And...
BECKEL: Those two cities are the finalists?
PERINO: No, they're considered the frontrunners.
BECKEL: One was the largest and one was the lowest number of votes.
GUTFELD: I think it should be -- I think it should be Quakertown, Pennsylvania. That's my choice -- Andrea.
TANTAROS: OK. I was thinking -- before I go to this. I was thinking about that little 6-year-old kid and how they're telling him not to kiss girls on the hand. This is why they're telling boys not to be boys, and then they get older, and women complain that men don't be romantic and kiss them on the hand. You know?
BECKEL: Who would kiss a woman on the hand?
TANTAROS: A gentleman, Bob. OK, last night Jay Leno had the chance to poke some fun at Obama care and Kanye West. Take a listen.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JAY LENO, HOST, NBC'S "THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO": In a radio interview, Kanye West said he wants to be the Obama of clothing. That's what he said, he wants to be the Obama of clothing. And to achieve his goal, he's designing fashion nobody wants and offering it on a Web site that doesn't work. So it should be fascinating. It should be fascinating.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
TANTAROS: I'm going to miss Jay.
GUTFELD: All right, me. Banned phrase for today is...
GRAPHIC: Greg's Banned Phrase. Today's Phrase: Miley Cyrus.
GUTFELD: I threw an audible when Dana said that if we ever -- she would pay a thousand dollars to the charity of my choice if I banned Miley Cyrus. Of course the charity is Svelte Houseboys of America. It's an organization I started in my basement.
PERINO: I want to see the IRS paperwork.
GUTFELD: There is a lot of paperwork, but it's not IRS, if you know what I mean. Got to keep those floors dry.
All right. Where am I? Bob.
BECKEL: Yes. Well, as you all know, I've been telling you how dangerous exercise is.
PERINO: This is great.
BECKEL: And jogging is very, very bad. Now, here is a prime example of it. There is a woman jogging in Virginia and she was jogging along, six miles, and a dear hit her in the side of the head and she had to go to the hospital.
Now, you wonder how the dear got inside of the head. Somebody in an SUV hit the dear. The deer went flying over the thing, hit the woman when she was jogging. Don't jog, particularly where there's a lot of deer. You know the signs that say, "Deer Crossing" and stuff? Don't jog. First of all, don't job anyway.
PERINO: Bob, they should have showed the picture of the jogger, because she was so cute.
BECKEL: I know, but they couldn't get it for some reason. Yes, I mean, the deer -- The deer wasn't that kind of deer. It was a buck.
PERINO: I mean, the deer is dear.
PERINO: The deer is a dear.
BECKEL: You know how many people get killed every year for hitting deers [SIC]?
PERINO: How many?
BECKEL: I don't know either. But it's a lot. The -- but anyway, what we're really trying to do here -- what I'm trying to do here right now is because they gave us extra time. Yes. They gave us an extra second. Can we go back to Miley Cyrus?
BECKEL: Can we go back to Victoria's Secret?
PERINO: Have you ever been to the Bunny Ranch?
BECKEL: All right. Have I been to the Bunny Ranch? Just a few times.
GUTFELD: Don't forget to set your DVR so you never miss an episode of "The Five." We're going to see you back here tomorrow.
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