Calamitous ObamaCare rollout spoofed on late-night TV

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," October 28, 2013. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Dana Perino, along with Kimberly Guilfoyle, Bob Beckel, Eric Bolling, and Greg Gutfeld.

It's 5 o'clock in New York City and this is "The Five."


PERINO: Since ObamaCare failed to launch on October 1st, the administration's been the butt of ongoing late-night TV jokes. And "Saturday Night Live" had been having a field day with the disastrous rollout.

Take a look at this.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: A lot of folks have been talking about our new health care enrollment Web site, how it's been crashing and freezing and shutting down and stalling and not working and breaking and sucking. Unfortunately, the site was only designed to handle six users at a time. So if you're in a rush, consider using our low res Web site, with simpler fonts and graphics.



PERINO: People may be mocking it but it's not a joke to everyone.

This afternoon, Ed Henry pressed Jay Carney on whether the president told the truth to Americans about his health care law going back to the campaign.


ED HENRY, FOX NEWS CHIEF WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: When he was trying to get the law passed, repeatedly said, if you currently have health insurance, you'll be able to keep your plan. This morning, David Axelrod was pressed on that point and said the majority, the vast majority, would get to keep their plans. He no longer works at the White House. From that podium, will you admit when the president said, if you have a plan, you'll get to keep it, that that was not true?

JAY CARNEY, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: So, it's true that there are existing health care plans on the individual market that don't meet those minimum standards and therefore do not qualify for the Affordable Care Act.


PERINO: All right. Greg, let me start with you, because I want to talk about ridicule. When your policy or your campaign or your candidate becomes the target of ridicule on "Saturday Night Live," have you a huge problem on your hands?

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: I don't really think so because I think -- I feel like the joke is on us for laughing. Oh, finally, the cool kids are now seeing what all the dorks have been seeing for two years, and we're supposed to be grateful for this one little, you know, kernel of satire, because there's no lesson to be gained from this humor.

These actors who are playing these roles will still go and vote for big government and wealth transfer. They're still the slave to emotion. It's not going to change anything because they're going to go back and they're going to make -- make fun of 90 percent of the time Republicans. I mean, the fact is, we needed, what America needed was catastrophic health care and we got catastrophic health care.

PERINO: With the catastrophic rollout.

To me, Kimberly, you were laughing when we were rolling that because in a way it's like good to laugh about it and maybe it's a little bit of a relief to say, well, we told you so.

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Well, and also, finally, a little bit of reality. Somebody took off, you know, the rose colored glasses and realized that there's problems, there's flaws, there's real issues to be dealt with and a fraud has been perpetuated against the American people.

Thank you, "Saturday Night Live," for finally being honest and not just doing something against Republicans. You've got something here that is real. I think it was a very funny impressionist value.

PERINO: Eric, if you take the line that President Obama repeated to try to get the law passed, which was, if you like your health care plan, if you like your doctor, you can keep it. When that turns out for most people to be not true, do you think that -- does that undermine the entire law or do you think that they can actually turn this around? They say it will be working by November 30th.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Well, that's just one of the things that aren't true about the ObamaCare law. The first and foremost and important to me was they promised it was going to be $890 billion. That's how much they said it's going to cost over 10 years. It's now up to $1.8 trillion.

If this continues, if people: (a), can't sign up, or, (b), don't want to sign up because it's too expensive, we're seeing that. Young people say it's just cheaper for me to take this tax. So, think about that for a second. I would touch on that for one second.

If that continues at this pace, it could be a $3 trillion or $4 trillion expense to the American people. So, that's the big one.

He said you can keep your doctor -- they lied about so many things to get this thing passed. From top to bottom, they've lied about abortion not being in it originally. Remember, that wasn't going to be part of it? Somehow it worked its way in. They even got one congressman to sign on, promising him abortion wasn't going to be in it. I can't remember the guy's name --

PERINO: Stupak.

BOLLING: Stupak, Bart Stupak, correct.

GUILFOYLE: Right, yes.

BOLLING: So, then, it comes -- so, top to bottom, they've lied about it. But talk about this for one second -- when you realize how much this is going to cost them, they're going to have to do one of two things. Either tax the hell out of it and give the IRS, who's going to enforce this thing, give them -- they're going to have to muscle them up a little bit, because right now, the IRS cannot garnish your wages. They can't take money from you.

So, you just have to hope these people pay their taxes. Or they're going to have to turn around and say every taxpayer in America is going to have to pick up the tab for this $3 trillion or $4 trillion --

GUILFOYLE: That's going to happen because they don't have enough money in the till to balance it out. And now, you've got young people, they're going to be uninsured, angry and penalized by the government. Does this make any sense?

People are not better off. Worse off. You don't need to be like a genius to figure that out. It's going to be a problem for you.

PERINO: Now, we need to get Bob in here. But in order to soften the runway a little bit, I'm going to -- I want to play this sound from Diane Barrett who was on "CBS This Morning", and get you to react to. Not a crazy Republican, somebody who got a letter in the mail.


DIANNE BARRETT: When I got this bill, I was outraged.

REPORTER: That includes 56-year-old Diane Barrett. Last month, she received a letter from Blue Cross Blue Shield, informing her as of January 2014, she would lose her current plan. Barrett pays $54 a month. The new plan she's being offered would run $591 a month, 10 times more than what she currently pays.

BARRETT: What I have right now is what I'm happy with. I just want to know why I can't keep what I have. Why do I have to be forced into something else?


PERINO: OK, so, Bob, when you start to have people that are coming out, it's not a congressman, right wing or from anywhere, this is an actual person who is dealing --


GUILFOYLE: Bob's going to laugh.

BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: It's not a congressman, it's a real person.

PERINO: That's right. It's a real person with real feelings.

BECKEL: Well, if I could just respond to all you dorks.

GUILFOYLE: Who's the dork, all of us?

BECKEL: Greg said we were the cool people and you guys were the dorks because you were attacking us, I guess.

Look, I said I think you should delay this to get some of the problems out of it. I don't believe for a moment. That woman said it went up 10 times. She was offered a range of plans and there were not $584.

But the insurance companies are raising rates right now. And they're delivering nothing. So what's going on here is the insurance company using the excuse of January 1 to jack up people's rates so they can profit gouge between now and January 1. A lot of insurance companies (INAUDIBLE).

GUILFOYLE: You know what happened? Bob read the e-mails we passed back and forth across the weekend. Because Dana's like, wait for it, within 36 hours, they're going to be going, demonizing the big insurance companies. It's all their fault. That's where you got that idea.

GUTFELD: I have a solution --

BECKEL: I didn't get it from that because I don't read your e-mails.

GUTFELD: I have a solution. When they said you like your doctor and you can keep them and if you don't, you should say you hate your doctor and you hate your doctor so much, then Obama will say, you know what, you can keep him.

By the way, you know what this is when you're talking about all the lies, what Obama did with ObamaCare is exactly what a guy does to get a girl into bed.


GUTFELD: I love to meet your parents. Oh, I love children. I love children. Then afterwards --

PERINO: How you want dogs.

GUTFELD: Yes, I love dogs. And then, after that, all that stuff is gone. It's like, you know, I really can't be bothered.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, I've heard that, I love children, before.


BECKEL: I bet you have.

GUTFELD: Can I say, the genius of progressive socialism, fitting, by the way, this is Halloween, because it's about a costume. It's about intrusion disguised as concern. That's what we're talking about here. Progressive socialism invents and cloaks new ways of confiscation. And that's all this is, it's confiscation, Bob, taking from people to pay for other people.

BECKEL: I see. So this is socialism now? You've dubbed this socialism.

BOLLING: Of course it is.

GUILFOYLE: Let me explain --

BECKEL: It might be socialism if we did what I wanted to do instead of singer payer. Somebody -- you're not answering this because you're all out here -- in Eric's case, probably will be prostituting for the insurance companies. Let me just ask you, explain to me why the insurance companies are charging this kind of money when they're not --

PERINO: Do you think all these new things were free? In what fantasy world do you live in that you can --

BECKEL: Excuse me, January 1 --

PERINO: But that's when the rates go up is January 1.

BECKEL: A lot of these people are being charged these rates right now. They increase them.

PERINO: It's October 28th --

BOLLING: No, no, no, you're signing up now for your -- for your premium is going to be January 1.


BECKEL: This woman said --

GUILFOYLE: Right, if you get on --

PERINO: No, she's from California.

BECKEL: California? It's bad (ph).

BOLLING: Can I just point something out, Dana? I spent -- OK, this ObamaCare Web site goes down. This past weekend was the third weekend.


BOLLING: It crashed on Sunday. I went back on today. I got another error. There's my error message. I got that one today.

When I finally got back on, I started to renew the process I started on Friday, 40 minutes. Forty minutes, I got two steps out of a five-step process to enroll. I didn't get near to enrolling. There is no way. There is no way they're going to fix this system any time soon.

It's not going to be two or three weeks. It's going to be months. By the way, who's fixing it? Who's fixing it and who's paying for that fix? It should be the same people who came up with this garbage system and they should be charged --


GUILFOYLE: Guess what? But there's no chance they're going to fix it. They have to scrap all of the code in its entirety. You can't just apply bad code on --

BECKEL: I'm sure everybody sat up there when they're doing (INAUDIBLE), let's figure out a way to screw people as badly as we can --


GUILFOYLE: We're still going to have bugs in the system.

BECKEL: If you guys listen to the head of Blue Cross Blue Shield in Florida, he says and he knows a little bit more about insurance than you all do, that in fact, they're going to offer a lot of different plans and they're going to be cheaper for a lot of people. The head of Blue Cross Blue Shield of Florida --

PERINO: He said on "Meet the Press".

GUILFOYLE: You say in Florida, they'll be cheaper insurance is what you tell me from Blue Cross --

BOLLING: What's the point? That's good, I would welcome Blue Cross Blue Shield, Aetna, Aflac, to come out and --

BECKEL: And this guy predicted the most ever people in this country who would have an increase -- we did this research.

BOLLING: Right. So, unfortunately, I have to -- I'm mandated to buy something. That's unconstitutional.

GUILFOYLE: And the point is there should be competition and there should be an ability to go --

BECKEL: There's competition.

GUILFOYLE: Bob, let me -- there should be an ability to go and look and say, you know what, I want to shop around and I want to see if I can buy cheaper insurance in a difference, I want to do the best choice for my family so we can afford --

BECKEL: You can. You can do that.

BOLLING: I can't.


BOLLING: I don't live in Florida.

GUILFOYLE: Ay dios mio -- you're not getting it back.

BECKEL: You can't do it in New Jersey?

GUILFOYLE: So now you got to move to Florida to get the Blue Shield cheaper insurance --

BECKEL: It's just one example in Florida.

GUTFELD: There's two lessons here for young people. Whenever you are encountered by charm and celebrity to sell something, you're going to get screwed, because the people getting screwed right now are the young people when you look at the spread of premiums. They're the ones getting screwed. And all they did was look, listen -- if you hear Scar Jo, say no. That's what you remember.

GUILFOYLE: Scar -- Scarlett Johansson.

GUTFELD: Scarlett Johansson, thank you.

Great lesson, you will always pay more for less. And that is a crime. And it's immoral, Bob.

When you have something and all of a sudden, they're saying, we're going to give you less and we're going to take more, that's wealth transfer, that's a crime.

BECKEL: Here's a crime, one of those young guys goes down in extreme snowboarding and gets quadriplegic and we have to pay for the son of a bitch because he wouldn't get insurance --


GUTFELD: That is the most ridiculous example.

PERINO: What about somebody --

GUTFELD: The most ridiculous example, if he has no insurance and he's snow boarding, he is a son of a whatever you want --

GUILFOYLE: You think bad word.

PERINO: What about somebody that uses their bodies so much that they end up having to have open heart surgery, should which end up having to pay for that son of --

BECKEL: I pay for it myself, OK? Every dime of it, I pay for myself.

BOLLING: I'm going to call B.S.


BECKEL: -- little insurance, not much, I had a little.

PERINO: But we're paying for it now.

GUTFELD: We're all paying for Bob.

PERINO: Yes, we are, we pay for the premiums because all of this stuff is not free. And they weren't honest. What she wanted, Bob, was to keep her same plan, which is what President Obama promised. That is not going to be possible under this.


GUILFOYLE: -- last week, because of you, to give you that nasty chest situation --

BECKEL: You should have used -- never mind.

GUTFELD: The premium spread was supposed to be 1 to 6, between like an older person pays six times as much. Now, that's one to three. That means more young people are paying for you.

BECKEL: You never answer my question about the kid that goes snowboarding --

GUTFELD: That's a stupid question.


GUTFELD: Because you're taking --

BECKEL: It's no more stupid than what you just said.

GUTFELD: No, because that's the only way young people get hurt. They are young. It's very rare. It's always catastrophic. Have catastrophic health care. Not catastrophic health care.

PERINO: Also, those people can be on their parent's health insurance under the law.

GUTFELD: No, but the important thing is, what his answer --

PERINO: You have a good point.

GUTFELD: Catastrophic health care. That's all you need.

PERINO: That's right.

GUILFOYLE: But people do opt to do that because they said they're generally healthy. In case of a huge accident --

PERINO: I don't think I've taken a breath.

GUTFELD: You guys don't want catastrophic health care.

BECKEL: I do, I like it.

PERINO: You want single pay?

BECKEL: Catastrophic, I'm for that.

GUTFELD: All right. ObamaCare is catastrophic but it's not catastrophic health care.

BECKEL: I know, I've heard you use that line.

GUTFELD: I'll keep saying it and saying it.

BECKEL: We're supposed to get out of here.

PERINO: OK, I haven't breathed in three minutes.

OK, we're going to move on to the next block.

The White House taking heat from some of its allies over the NSA spying controversy. But is eavesdropping just part of the game played by every country? We're going to debate it.

And before we go, please check out our page book I have a new post up there, advice to Republican. Five pieces of advice for the hearing on Wednesday.

GUTFELD: That's exciting.

GUILFOYLE: Five from "The Five".


GUILFOYLE: New spying details reveal the NSA has tapped the phones of up to 35 world leaders. And many members of the international community are supposedly furious about it. The question becomes, do the benefits of surveillance outweigh the risk of damaging relations with our international partners?

Let's listen to former Obama press secretary, Robert Gibbs, and Republican Representative Peter King offer their competing views.


ROBERT GIBBS, FORMER OBAMA PRESS SECRETARY: I think clearly damage has been done. I think we have to evaluate whether the costs of the method of gathering some intelligence greatly exceeds the benefit of that intelligence, particularly when we're listening in to apparently some of our very closest allies.

REP. PETER KING (R), NEW YORK: I think the president should stop apologizing, stop being defensive. The reality is the NSA has saved thousands of lives, not just in the United States, but also in France and Germany and throughout Europe. We're not doing this for the fun of it. This is to gather valuable intelligence which helps not just us but also helps the Europeans.


GUILFOYLE: All right. Bob, you begged me -- begged me, begged me like a little boy during the break to go first, making the most --

BECKEL: Did you have to say that?


BECKEL: OK. I'm going to just say, my experience to this, when I was in the White House, we were doing this back in the `70s and `80s. This is nothing new. They do it to us, particularly the French. I don't care - - you should spy on the French in their bedroom as far as I'm concerned.

But leaving that aside --

PERINO: Why, you want to learn something?

GUILFOYLE: You're ruining my block --

BECKEL: The Israelis spy on us. We spy on the Israelis. This is a game that we play -- it's not a game, it's serious stuff. If you got to listen in, you got to listen in to the exchanges going back between some government people. It's as simple as that.

I mean, I don't understand this. They're doing it to us. So, why do we have to be the only one not doing it?

GUILFOYLE: So now you're OK with it? Because before you had a problem --

BECKEL: Of course.

GUTFELD: No, you've got to understand what he's distinguishing. He's talking about -- yes, this is what spying is for. You have -- I mean, you spy on big wigs. And by the way, 35 world leaders, most of them suck - -

GUILFOYLE: No, Angela Merkel's nice.

GUTFELD: She's good. She's good. But spying is the price you pay for becoming an adult in the free world. It's what you do.

BECKEL: Thank you, Gregory.

GUILFOYLE: OK, Bolling, let's get your take on this.

BOLLING: I also agree that we should be spying on other people, foreigner, not Americans. So, the NSA says Obama didn't know about this. So, we're supposed to believe that the most transparent president on the planet in the history of presidents didn't know about the NSA until he heard -- the spying on Merkel until he heard about it on the news? ObamaCare glitches, until he heard about it on the news. Fast and Furious, journalists being subpoenaed, consulate --


BOLLING: IRS, and our consulate getting attack.


BOLLING: No, I'm not. If you look at your thing --

GUILFOYLE: No, he's being all inclusive --


BOLLING: So here's the point -- but, on the other hand, if they've data mined billions upon billions of emails and phone calls, and they have drone strikes that precisely take out the right target. So, anything good that happens, President Obama takes credit for. And anything that's bad that happens, or perceived bad, he says, I didn't know about it, no one told me about it.

That is the definition of not incompetence but lack of -- what's the word I'm looking for?

GUTFELD: Less memory than a floppy disc.

BECKEL: Why are you picking on your own president for? Why you say the French --

BOLLING: Lack of character.

GUILFOYLE: Like the French today, like obsessive --

BECKEL: I've never liked the French -- but leaving that aside, Germany, particularly France, of all the countries in the world that have nothing to complain about.

GUILFOYLE: I thought you were more obsessed with the Chinese. You switched gears.

BECKEL: Well, they're the worst.

GUILFOYLE: I want to talk to Dana, because, Dana, I was watching FOX News and I was glued to it, glued to it, because I was watching the news with Shepard Smith. You were on there talking about this very subject matter. You said, I don't see what the outrage is.

PERINO: Well, I don't. So we're all in agreement here on that.

What I don't understand is given the extensiveness of the president's briefings that he receives before he meets with foreign leaders. This is since Ed Snowden, the president has seen these world leaders. For him to have known, you have to assume the intelligence committee was willfully hiding something from him or they're so incompetent they didn't tell him.

But that doesn't excuse everybody in the White House. What did Hillary Clinton know about spying on world leaders? What about Susan Rice? Tom Donilon? Samantha Power? Where's everybody? Where's Leon Panetta?

So, nobody knew about this? Do we have a completely lawless NSA that they're not going to defend? I think that is the thing that is implausible.

In addition to that, the White House tried to claim today that this stopped. After a White House review, that this practice stopped. OK, well, both things can't be true. It can't be true that the White House reviewed it unless -- and stopped it and the president didn't know about it unless they don't tell the president anything and somebody made this decision on their own.

GUILFOYLE: And you also feel this is anything new that's going on --

PERINO: I hope not. I hope not --


PERINO: I guarantee that if these countries had the opportunity to tap into President Obama's BlackBerry, they would do it in a second.

BECKEL: But the fact is, I also find it shocking he wouldn't know because I've seen the president's briefing books before he meets with foreign leaders. We were intercepting everything that (INAUDIBLE) had to say, and when Carter met with him, there it was --

GUTFELD: They're jealous. I think they're just jealous because the United States is really good at it.

GUILFOYLE: Let's listen to a little bit of sound here. We have the former deputy director of the CIA, Mike Morell, saying Snowden is a traitor. See if you change your opinion at all about what he did. Was he a whistleblower, was he a traitor? You decide.

Take a listen.


MIKE MORELL, FORMER CIA DEPUTY DIRECTOR: I do not believe he is a whistleblower. I do not believe he is a hero. I think he betrayed his country.

INTERVIEWER: How serious a hit is that to national security?

MORELL: I think this is the most serious leak, the most serious compromise of classified information in the history of the U.S. intelligence community.]

INTERVIEWER: Because of the amount of it or the type?

MORELL: The amount and the type.


PERINO: That's your guy, Bob.

GUILFOYLE: You have to understand, because Snowden is the guy that put us in this position is what the intelligence officials are saying. That he is the source of this information that is coming forward that has become, now, an embarrassment to the United States.

So I ask you out there and I ask the people at this table, do you still share the same opinion of Snowden that you did in the beginning? Bob?

BECKEL: I do. This is my guy you said? This is what you said? He was a Democrat?

PERINO: He's a career civil servant who was President Obama's choice for the CIA.

BECKEL: OK, to call this the greatest breach of U.S. security is so far out of bounds that I don't care who he is. I mean, I could give you a lot of ones. You think the Hansons (ph), for example --

GUILFOYLE: What about Snowden? I'm asking you about Snowden.

BECKEL: I think Snowden should be brought back to this country, he should be tried. I do not believe that he's a traitor. I do not believe that the guy had the biggest -- he made the biggest hole in U.S. national security like this guy said --

GUILFOYLE: OK, but you said he needs to be tried for what. Go ahead.

BOLLING: I think he should be brought back to the United States as well and hired to fix the ObamaCare Web site.

BECKEL: That's good.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my goodness. Your opinion on him has not changed. You still think that he's a hero.

BOLLING: The guy broke open one of the biggest stories of all time. What the government is doing. Breaking the law, breaking -- violating our Constitution --


PERINO: My opinion has not changed.

BECKEL: Which is it? What is it?

PERINO: I need additional facts.

I said from the beginning I thought what he did is wrong.

BECKEL: Would you call him -- you says he's a traitor?


PERINO: I have to look under the law. That's a serious allegation.

GUTFELD: I don't see what the argument is for Snowden leaking stuff that -- the international information, other than it's for his own ego. We know Julian Assange, he did a lot of his for his own ego, he wanted to be famous. I believe that Snowden is a rat fink.

GUILFOYLE: So your position of it has remained the same. I think as I said from the beginning, there is a question as to whether or not -- yes, he is a traitor because there are criminal allegations and charges here. I don't know why he specifically leaked stuff about us spying on other countries. I don't think that helped us whatsoever or the U.S. position in international communities.


PERINO: Let's just say he was in Germany and he found out that the Germans were spying on the United States --

GUTFELD: Would he have done it?

PERINO: -- would he be so offended?

BECKEL: I have no idea, but the idea that people don't know that we were listening --

BOLLING: But he's not within America. And we are protected by the Constitution, what the NSA was doing was a violation --

GUILFOYLE: You have a problem with what he --


GUILFOYLE: Got to go. Mama's got to pull the rip cord.

"60 Minutes" revealed an al Qaeda link to the 9/11 attack on our consulate in Benghazi. It directly contradicts what we were initially told by the White House. Details are straight ahead.

And please check out our new Web site at


GUTFELD: Last night, "60 Minutes" revealed the terrorist attack in Benghazi was a planned sophisticated operation run by al Qaeda against an extremely vulnerable American outpost.

Wow, who knew? This is called breaking news to people who can't find FNC on their remotes. Check it out.


Lara Logan, CBS NEWS: Al Qaeda, using a familiar tactic, had stated their intent in an online posting, saying they would attack the Red Cross, the British and then the Americans in Benghazi.

And you watched as they attacked --


REPORTER: And the British mission, and the only ones left --

WOOD: Were us. They made good on two out of the three promises. It was a matter of time until they captured the third one.

REPORTER: And Washington was aware of that?

WOOD: They knew we monitored it. They knew we included that in our reports to both State Department and DOD.

I made it known in a country team meeting. You are going to get attacked. You are going to get attacked in Benghazi. It's going to happen.


GUTFELD: So, while it's a relief to see CBS wake up, you got to remember if it took so long and if it matters at this point. It matters because the fiends were still free. But also because the creepy, skittish, evasive administration and its fawning media are still immune to scrutiny.

The Benghazi tale's a textbook lesson for future generations on the instruments of bias, how it works, what it accomplishes and who it benefits.

Bias works by ignoring a harmful story so the people responsible are protected. What does that accomplish? Barack Obama is reelected. Who does that benefit? The White House, of course, but also the media who adore it.

The results: ObamaCare is here, as is the ideological engine that powers it. The big government rolls on, taking the rest of us with it. It is the bus that so many get thrown under, including four Americans who died on September 11th. To the media scum who mock such concern, Americans who lose their health insurance or their lives are simply speed bumps on the road to the greater good.

At a car wreck, a cop would tell gawkers, there's nothing to see here, move on. That's now the official White House motto.

GUILFOYLE: Wow. I like that.

GUTFELD: Thank you, Kimberly. What are you doing later?

GUILFOYLE: I'm busy.

GUTFELD: Very little mentioned in the "60 Minutes," President Obama, very little mentioned of Hillary Clinton. It's almost like they're saying this is a horrible thing that happened.

GUILFOYLE: It's like they've been sprayed with Pam and nothing sticks to them and they just slide right off the pan, really like an invisible shield of protection. So, nothing is directly attributed to them. It is shameful.

But let me tell you something, I'm glad "60 Minutes" did this story. I didn't learn anything new because we've been saying this for months and months and months and months. So, maybe finally everyone else is going to catch up, get up to speed on this and maybe we'll get some more accountability and some answers. Because I -- it's still, to me, one of the most embarrassing things to this country, the way that these people were treated, the lack of thorough investigation and the refusal to answer questions.

BOLLING: You know, you asked the question -- agree. My only problem is it shouldn't be the media's job, even though it is part of their job to do it. But it should be coming from Congress.

So what took so long? So, what took so long? What's taking so long for John Boehner to create a select committee to go and ask these questions instead of Lara Logan? And maybe you put 14 or so Republican congressman on it, in the room, and put 10 Democrats in there, ask the right questions. Now, the whisper is --

BECKEL: You've already done that.

BOLLING: No, you didn't.

BECKEL: Issa had.

BOLLING: Issa had his own committee. He's trying to get a select committee. The whisper in the D.C. hallways is Congress people want that and Boehner doesn't want to give it to them.

Now, the question is, does he know things? Was he made aware? There's some who believe he was made aware of weapons moving from the U.S. from Libya to Syria. If he knows that, that would certainly come out and maybe he's pushing back on that --

PERINO: Does Issa want a select committee?

BOLLING: Yes, Issa wants a select committee.


BOLLING: A lot of congressmen want a select committee. Maybe it's time. Speaker Boehner, do it.

BECKEL: What do they got to learn? They've done 24 committee hearings already. What more do they need? Are they so incompetent, they can't come up --

GUILFOYLE: No, people who won't lie --

BOLLING: Select committee would get to the answers. He can even stack the select committee.

BECKEL: OK. So, just to make sure we get this right. CBS, which is a dog network, we don't ever believe in because they're all part of the establishment media, which Greg befouls all the time. Now, they're great people and we're taking the word of one guy on one report on one intercept?

GUTFELD: A, he was there apparently. He won some medals for us.

BECKEL: Apparently.

GUTFELD: CBS, what was it a year ago, when they interviewed President Obama and withheld a portion of the interview that might have contradicted what he said when it was the fault of the video but then it was premeditated? They left that part out.

That's why it's a problem for us.

BECKEL: That's why we shouldn't trust this --

GUTFELD: No, because they purposely held something back. Now they've got their guy in. It doesn't matter.

Dana, you get the last word.

PERINO: What we don't know is how hard Lara Logan had to fight with CBS in order to get a lead feature on "60 Minutes" a year and a half after -- a year and a month after Benghazi first happened. I think that's commendable. It's interesting nobody seemed to mention that the White House blamed a video for the whole thing.


PERINO: Very chilling.

GUTFELD: They brought that guy back.

OK, ahead on "The Five": is it OK for teachers to spank kids in school? Bob thinks so.

GUILFOYLE: Of course.

GUILFOYLE: Yes. Stay tuned for that.

BECKEL: Spank everybody around this table.

GUTFELD: I know. You can spank me.


BOLLING: All right. Welcome back, everybody.

A couple of quick stories on the liberal left melting the brains of our kids from coast to coast.

On the East Coast, Philly, known for cheese steaks, tough football fans and the birthplace of our freedom, the Declaration of Independence was written and signed there, as well as the First and Second Continental Congress.

Now add socialism to the list. Howard Zinn, a well-known columnist, wrote a book about the joys of socialism, you know, redistribute the wealth and all the garbage.

And get this, the Philly city council just passed a resolution to incorporate Zinn's teachings into the curriculum of the Philly public schools, K through 12.

Greg, times are changing in Philly.

GUTFELD: Well, you know what? Anti-Americanism does not thrive because it is correct, it thrives because it's cool. This stuff will always be seen as cool in academic circles. And when you're an insecure celebrity like Matt Damon, this is the book that you quote, even if 99.9 percent of people didn't read it.

The good thing is: kids rebel. If you give a kid -- if you go to a Catholic school, a lot of kids become atheists. If you give kids communist material, they're going to come out as free market maniacs.


PERINO: That happened to Stuart Varney.

BOLLING: They'll do the opposite.

What, his kids are communists?

PERINO: No, he says he started at the London School of Economics as a communist and he became a raging capitalist.

BOLLING: Varney was a communist?

PERINO: Well, self-described --

GUILFOYLE: You've done it, Dana. He probably just heard it.

BECKEL: We're not strong enough to allow a book on communism in class? What, are you kidding me? That's going to change everybody be?


BECKEL: I don't care if it's a public school or not. If you can't take the heat, if you can't learn two sides to something, why do it?

BOLLING: This guy, correct me if I'm wrong, he's been known to kind of plagiarize or change history as well too, right?

GUILFOYLE: He's not an actual historian.

GUTFELD: He takes the point of view that in either historical moment, America is the evildoer.

PERINO: And do you know that former governor of Indiana, Mitch Daniels, he prevented this book from being taught in their schools.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, listen, I don't think it's appropriate at all. This guy is not historically accurate. He's just preaching socialism. I don't see the whole point of it being in public schools.

BOLLING: Got to move on.

Now, on the West Coast, cheerleaders for Lincoln High School in San Jose, California, wanted to raise a few bucks for a trip they wanted to take. They decided a car wash would be fun. Until the San Jose Department of Environmental Services paid the cheerleaders a visit. It turns out, they were denied the permit to watch a few cars. Apparently the car wash was, quote, "violate a discharge law."

Bob, cheerleaders, car washes --

BECKEL: I know it sounds terrible but it reads well for us here. If you know what I mean.

A law is a law is a law. You don't like the law, change the law. You're supposed to let cheerleader goes because they're good looking?

GUILFOYLE: You would.

BECKEL: Well, no -- well --

GUTFELD: This is un-American, bob. You got cheerleaders, car wash, high school. This is an eighth graders fantasy. I would rent a car at 14 --

GUILFOYLE: Your big wheel.

GUTFELD: Yes, I would take my big wheel.

GUILFOYLE: This is sad. I mean, come on, kids are doing car washes all the time. It's just like lemonade stand.

Give me a break. What country is this? Bob, you're on the wrong side of this. I want you to get over here on this side of it.

BECKEL: I sit on this table, I'm on the wrong side of everything.

GUTFELD: You know what I love, Bob? There are certain laws that you happily violate.

GUILFOYLE: Totally, regularly.

BOLLING: Why don't we watch (ph) the cheerleader's faces on? Dana, your thoughts?


BOLLING: Because we'd probably get sued if we put their faces up, right?

GUTFELD: Or maybe it's the water that's blurring their faces.

GUILFOYLE: No, they're like underage.

BECKEL: You're going to drink that water.

GUILFOYLE: Anyway, whatever, I've done car washes. They can be very profitable. And all kinds of groups do them. Boy Scouts do them. Girl Scouts do them. Cheerleaders do them.

BECKEL: There's movies about cheerleaders doing car washes.


BOLLING: All right. That's a good time for us to go.

GUTFELD: I think we should enforce car washing across America and we should have car insurance, car washing insurance.

PERINO: If you like your car wash, you can keep it.

GUTFELD: Exactly.


Straight right ahead: are you OK with your teacher spanking your kids? Bob says you should be. He'll explain why. That's next.

But before we go, want to take a second to recognize an American icon in music. Rock legend Lou Reed, dead at age 71.


BECKEL: Greg's kind of music.

Are you OK with corporal punishment in your child's school? It might seem antiquated but some people in public schools in 19 states still use paddles to discipline students when they're misbehaving.

There's a new report out now about students enrolled (ph) were paddled more than 16,000 times last year alone.

What do you think?

PERINO: Bob, do you think that's an appropriate accent?

BECKEL: No, that's what Porter told me to say.

GUILFOYLE: No, Porter didn't say -- you told him to talk like that?


BOLLING: My sophomore year of high school, we were up stairs. A gym teacher goes out of the room. A kid goes running. He jumped on one of those trampolines. I pulled the mat out from under him. He landed right on this bad on the hard floor.

A teacher happened to walk by. He goes, Bolling, over there. Jesuit school, right? Bolling, over there, take your wallet out of your pocket.

Wallet out. Grab your ankles. Bam, paddle. I saw stars. I saw stars for an hour.

And I will tell you I was the perfect student for two and a half more years of high school. At least in gym class.

GUILFOYLE: So, you're saying we should spank Bob.


BOLLING: I would allow them to paddle my son.

PERINO: Oh, really?

BOLLING: Absolutely.

BECKEL: I'm delighted you said. I had the same experience in biology class where the biology did it because I put Coca-Cola in some girl's chemistry plain (ph), and he got mad about it. So, he took, it was big paddle. It really does hurt.

BOLLING: Hurt like hell.

BECKEL: I'll tell you, I remembered it. I didn't mess with that girl after that.

GUILFOYLE: How many other bad things did you do for like the next 40 years?

BECKEL: Hardly anything.

GUILFOYLE: Please. Let me tell you something --

BECKEL: Do you paddle? Do you paddle?


BECKEL: I mean, for punishment?

PERINO: Why do you have to think so hard?

GUILFOYLE: What I'm saying is I have never been spanked for disciplinary reasons.


BECKEL: I bet that's true.

PERINO: That's my Maury Povich (ph) said.


BECKEL: Greg, how about you? Have you been spanked?

BOLLING: Disciplinary reason.

GUTFELD: I don't think I was ever spanked at school. I believe, you know, fear derives from, you know, asserting authority. And I think a good teacher can do that without spanking by using her voice.

I remember when I got in trouble at school, I wanted to get back in good graces with the teacher. When the teacher made you feel bad and I think good teachers could make you feel bad about yourself. And you want to be better. And I think you can do that without it.

I've never seen a dunce cap in my life. Whatever happens to dunce caps?

GUILFOYLE: You want to bring that back?

GUTFELD: Yes. But I also want to have spanking at the workplace.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God!

GUTFELD: Let's add spanking at the workplace.

PERINO: Let's not.

GUILFOYLE: Seriously, you shouldn't spank children at school.

BECKEL: -- never get in trouble at school and get straight A's.

PERINO: They must not have allowed spanking.

BECKEL: But you have been spanked if they did?

GUTFELD: They spank your dog?

BECKEL: Don't say that. Why did you say that?

PERINO: Jasper doesn't get spanked.

BECKEL: Come on.


PERINO: I think Greg has a good point about -- if I disappoint somebody that's expecting more from me, that is punishment enough for me.

BECKEL: Really?

GUILFOYLE: I believe that. That's true. Psychological profile.

PERINO: I'll put myself in the corner, I'll cry, still thinking about things happened years ago.

GUILFOYLE: I don't think children should be spanked at school. I really don't. If somebody spanked my baby at school, I'm going to go spank them. It's not appropriate.

BOLLING: You have to sign a waiver.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, my point is I do not think that it is appropriate to use corporal punishment against children. Teach better and use other behavior management strategies to get the desired outcome or change the way they're acting in school. Even Bob can be helped.

BECKEL: You have a waiver enforced at your house. "One More Thing" is up next.



PERINO: It's time now for "One More Thing".

It's to easy to make Bob yawn.

BECKEL: I wasn't yawning about that.

GUILFOYLE: He's like a little dog.

PERINO: Yes, you can make him yawn easy.

All right. Kimberly, you're going to kick us off.

GUILFOYLE: Oh my goodness, mine is the great pumpkin one more thing.

OK. So, this town in Utah called Pleasant Grove, sounds like a lovely place. They have a big pumpkin dropping contest and the pumpkins they drop are 1,000 pounds plus. And the big winner was over 1,200 pounds. Can you imagine? This is pretty amazing. I wouldn't try it in your backyard.

But the best part about this is the event raises money for the March of Dimes charity with 10 cents of every pumpkin pound being donated. I think it looks like a lot of fun.

Dana, you try to attend a pumpkin event in Central Park.

PERINO: I know. I was in the wrong place. I went for a great pumpkin sale but I was in the wrong place.

GUTFELD: It's disgusting.

PERINO: Bob, we have an assignment for you next year.

BECKEL: That looks like my brain when I was drinking.

GUILFOYLE: I didn't know they made pumpkins that big.

GUTFELD: That just encourages pumpkin on pumpkin violence.

PERINO: It's terrible.

BECKEL: I think that's right.

GUTFELD: Is that a pumpkin hate crime?

BECKEL: I don't know, dorky.



PERINO: One more thing.

GUTFELD: All right. Resurrected phrase, rat fink. I used it earlier. It's a great phrase used to describe people who are on the make. These are people that -- they're not enemies. They're people that you know that end upturning on you and screw you over. Rat fink.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, who did this to you? It sounds like personal.

PERINO: This sounded personal.

GULFOYLE: Somebody did it.

BECKEL: I can't tell you --


GUTFELD: Yes. Now, they're called subversive, but they're just rat finks.

PERINO: Or troubled. Complicated.

GUTFELD: Complicated, troubled, seeking therapy.

PERINO: Eric, you are next.

BOLLING: OK, throw out the picture. For the last week, my wife went on a girls trip to Puerto Rico. There they are having a great time.

PERINO: Wow. There's some guys there.

BOLLING: There's something interesting, every single day of the trip, all five or six days, she said can I please bring home a stray Puerto Rico dog.

BECKEL: Oh my God!

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God!


BECKEL: I bet she did.

BOLLING: She loves stray dogs. All I can think of was this, right here.

GUILFOYLE: Ay dios mio!

PERINO: That's what I thought you were going to say.

GUILFOYLE: That's Ricky Martin.

GUTFELD: You wanted her to bring you home Ricky Martin? Because there's something you should know. He's a sexy man.

GUILFOYLE: Did you know that Deggan McDowel has a Puerto Rico dog named, I think, Ramon that he adopted from Puerto Rico? For real.

GUTFELD: What's the difference?

BECKEL: It shows you how bored Eric's wife is with him.

GUTFELD: What's the difference between a Puerto Rican dog and a non- Puerto Rican dog?

BOLLING: One is from Puerto Rico.

GUTFELD: Language?

GUILFOYLE: Yo quiero Taco Bell.

BECKEL: Taco Bell this.

GUTFELD: What is happening to people?

BECKEL: I don't know.

PERINO: Bob, you're next.

BECKEL: OK. On this day in history, October 28, 1919, I was 19, Congress enforces prohibitions. The Volstead Act over President Woodrow Wilson veto banned alcohol.

Now, normally, I don't like alcohol being around for people that use. In this case what followed was this, there were riots and organized crime got a big boost out of this thing and most of the mafia made most of their money on selling bootleg liquor. It was not a good idea.

GUTFELD: Meaning legalize drugs.

PERINO: Well, I'm going to go last year. And, Greg, I have good news for you.

GUTFELD: All right. Here comes the short joke.

PERINO: It is a study by the Associated Press Center for Public Affairs Research finds nine in ten workers who are age 50 or older say that they are very or somewhat satisfied with their jobs because they've accomplished things, they've climbed the ladder, increased salaries, reached positions, greater security --


PERINO: So, there is hope for you.

GUTFELD: Oh, well, thank you. How nice of you.

PERINO: That's it for us on "The Five." Thanks for watching.

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