Miller Time: Perks for California inmates?

Comedian on Hillary Clinton, Bradley Manning and California inmates

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," August 21, 2013. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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O'REILLY: Thanks for staying with us. I'm Bill O'Reilly. In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, if you are a convict behind bars in California, you can now get cable TV and other perks in one Northern California prison if you pay for them.

More evidence the country is doomed. The sage of Southern California joins us now from Santa Barbara.

You believe this, Miller, Fremont, California, it's in the Bay Area -- so, you're in for misdemeanor and they say, "Hey, you've got a hundred and fifty, we'll give you pizza," you know --

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Billy, Billy, one second.

O'REILLY: Whoa, yo.

MILLER: One second, Billy, Billy, I've got a foreign tourist on fire in the mini-studio.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

Sparky, come here.

(LAUGHTER)

Sparky, get away from Olaf. Get -- come here.

(LAUGHTER)

Olaf, shut up. I'm on the O'REILLY FACTOR. Come here, Sparky.

O'REILLY: You're not going to save him. You're not going to save Olaf.

MILLER: Sorry, Billy, I've got something just hit the fan. Olaf, shut up. Go ahead.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: All right, prison, where you may be going, --

(LAUGHTER)

-- cable TV, perks for a hundred, a hundred fifty a day.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

You know, come on. What's going on, Miller.

MILLER: Well, listen, I'd probably take advantage of this hundred and fifty-five bucks a night. Well, put it this way, if I slept on my back, I wouldn't pick up the fee.

If I slept on my stomach, I'd pay the hundred and fifty-five. That's just me. I'd use some of my frequent-felon miles.

(LAUGHTER)

All I know is this, if I can slip a guard a double sawbuck and be --

(END VIDEO CLIP)

-- sexually-compromised by a better looking inmate, I'm there with it.

O'REILLY: All right. I don't understand any of that. But I like the frequent-felon miles.

MILLER: Well, put it this way, if my cellmate looked like Carville, I'm springing for the extra $155.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: That's the truth, I guess.

MILLER: Carville makes Slade Gorton look like Tyrone Power.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: Another oblique reference to an astronaut, I believe. Look, --

MILLER: No, Slade Gorton was a -- was a House rep or a senator or something.

O'REILLY: So, you don't even know who he was.

MILLER: Don't you remember that Skeletor guy.

O'REILLY: Wasn't there an astronaut named that. I think it was an astronaut named that.

(LAUGHTER)

MILLER: All I know is that Carville looks like a muppet accidentally washed on hot.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: Oh, geez. All right, let's get off that topic to the Hillary Clinton zone. Any way she could convince you --

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

-- to vote for her for president.

MILLER: Well, listen, if it's going to be her versus Christie, they both better start running before they decide to run --

(END VIDEO CLIP)

-- because they're both getting a little exhausting and I don't think you can take a year and a half and trek around the country and not have a heart attack in the shape they're in.

If they shoot that debate between Christie and Hillary, they better put it in IMAX. But I can tell you this, Hillary is in fine form. When you see us, the Clinton Foundation spent $50 million on travel.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

So, she's in game shape and the money over there has been laundered more frequently than Joan Crawford's peignoirs. If they can canonize Barack Obama, they can certainly deify Hillary.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

And there might be the added benefit that she might be a little crankier with terrorists than this guy because Hillary is pissed off at the old man. Because she knows that we know she has been cheated on more frequently than a blind woman playing scrabble with gypsies.

(LAUGHTER)

So, maybe, she should be cranky with Hezbollah.

O'REILLY: That doesn't answer the question. Could you possibly vote for her.

MILLER: No.

O'REILLY: OK, that does answer the question.

MILLER: No, come on. I could've said it right off the bat but we've got a fill eight minutes.

O'REILLY: All right. Now, that's true.

(LAUGHTER)

And I'm glad you led me into the final.

MILLER: No, I'm not voting for Hillary.

O'REILLY: There's no way? Nothing she can do.

MILLER: No, come on.

O'REILLY: Personal appearance at your house, nothing. Would you save Hillary or your dog. No, don't answer that. Don't answer that.

(LAUGHTER)

MILLER: I don't even have a dog and I'd save the dog.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: But you could rent one just for the day.

(LAUGHTER)

MILLER: I'd get a Kelly Dog from a temp agency.

O'REILLY: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

Just so you could make the decision. Bradley Manning, eight years, because that's what it looks like what he's going to get.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

They gave him 35 out in -- you know, if he behaves in Leavenworth. What do you say.

MILLER: Well, I feel bad for Archie Manning because Eli and Peyton are such good kids and it's obvious --

(LAUGHTER)

-- that he went off the track there.

O'REILLY: Not the same family. Not the same, no, no.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

MILLER: Oh, I'm sorry. I misappropriated that. Listen, you better not wear that beret into prison because if you spy in prison, you know, our off-disparage correctional facilities, that's at least one place where they still make Solomonesque sense.

I trust warlock and cellblock D over John Roberts at this point as far as jurisprudence goes. And he starts ratting people out in prison. This will all take care of itself, old Bradley Manning.

O'REILLY: Yes, I don't think he's going to do that. And, you know, Leavenworth, that's a hard labor facility for the -- it's not the hundred and fifty a night and we'll give you the big screen TV and the little hors d'oeuvres.

MILLER: No, very hard labor. You can beg -- you can beg for an epidural in Leavenworth and they won't give you one.

O'REILLY: That's right. So, this isn't easy time but he should have --

MILLER: Oh, the other labor. Sorry, all right.

O'REILLY: All right, yes, Miller.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you. That's all I have to say to you tonight.

MILLER: Billy, I've been away on -- hey, wait a second. Olaf, shut up.

(LAUGHTER)

I've got this foreign tourist. He was drinking over a Ricola juice and it caught his horn on fire. Come here, Sparky. Get away from the foreign soil. Come here.

(LAUGHTER)

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