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Miller Time: Civil war in the Republican Party?

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," April 3, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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O'REILLY: Thanks for staying with us. I'm Bill O'Reilly. In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, as we've been reporting, there's a split in the Republican Party over national security, immigration and funding for ObamaCare.

Joining us now from Santa Barbara, the sage of Southern California, Dennis Miller. So, --

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Sorry, Billy. Go ahead.

O'REILLY: Awww.

MILLER: One second, Billy, I just had a cancellation in my regular Wednesday night Canasta game with Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. You wouldn't want to jump in, would you.

O'REILLY: You know, if I were out there, I'd definitely want to play Canasta with you.

(LAUGHTER)

I could just see that table.

MILLER: Tut, tut, tut, tut-tat, tut-tat, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut-tat, tut-tat, do the Sharpton. Tut, tut, tut, tut-tat, tut-tat, tut, tut, tut, tut, do the Jackson.

O'REILLY: All right, Miller.

MILLER: Tut, tut-ta.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: I'm telling you, you've got to stay off that caffeine right before you go on the air. I mean, it's killing me. Now, if the GOP, --

MILLER: Listen, by the way, congrats to the lemon drop kid over there at the Federal Witness Relocation Network. He did a nice job.

O'REILLY: Yes. If the GOP splits, Hillary is the next president, right.

MILLER: Well, listen. You know, Bill, we're both history buffs. I've toured Los Alamos and I'm a huge Robert Oppenheimer enthusiast, and Rand Paul and Chris Christie -- I hate to see fat man and little boy quibble like this.

(LAUGHTER)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

You cannot shoot inside the tent. And when you've got -- when you're telling the guy -- when the 400-pound guy is telling you, "You bring home too much bacon," you know it's gone absolutely mad.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

And, yes, if they're going to keep shooting inside the tent like this, you ought to just get the fur-lined pantsuit ready for Hillary because big momma is going to be in that inaugural parade.

And Huma Abedin is going to be the next chief of staff. And, ironically, Chief of Staff is the name her old man is using on the Internet this week.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: There's a lot to digest in that opening remark there, Miller, and --

MILLER: Let's hope not. Let's hope not.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: All right, so your advice for the Republican Party is to kind of, "Let's calm down a little bit, kind of get together, find some common ground, have a couple of BLTs together and stop the nonsense," huh.

MILLER: Well, listen, Billy, as they say in the NASA business, the pooch has been screwed. The GOP is in disarray.

I'm not sure if what we're not seeing here is the awkward birth of a third party because I think these two are going to break off eventually. But Hillary is just sitting there, licking her chops because I think she's going to be the next president.

O'REILLY: Right. She's absolutely the happiest lady in the world.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

And we'll see what this new stuff out that Cameron reported, if that gets any traction.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

OK, here in New York City, we can have the Big Gulp again. We can drink as much soda as we want because the court has ruled --

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

-- and the Board of Health cannot limit the size of sodas. And you say.

MILLER: It's about time Mayor Lucky Charms got shot down. This is how it should be. Beware of the dwarf star who fancies himself a quasar.

You know something, you want to -- you want get involved in the New York City citizens' diet, mayor? You want to make it better?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

Quit feeding them your crap every day, all right. Move on now. You're a rich guy, you rigged the last term, you're not that important. Go back and cash checks off the stock ticker.

That was a good idea. But where do you get off. How's about a new rule where 5'9 people can't eat foie gras. Let's do that, 5'9 and under.

(LAUGHTER)

Then you're screwed. Stay out of our business.

O'REILLY: But isn't his intention good that he wants people to be healthier. Isn't that the intention, no?

MILLER: Yes, the road to hell, Billy. What do they say it's paved with. You know that.

O'REILLY: I do.

MILLER: The city -- this country used to be the streets were paved in gold for immigrants. Now, they're paved in good intentions.

Where does Mike Bloomberg get off getting involved in my life. I don't ever want to meet Bloomberg in my life.

All of a sudden I'm in New York and I've got to worry about the Gollum saying I can't have salt. Lighten up, pal.

O'REILLY: All right. Now, are you an angler, you a fisherman, Miller, you throw that line out there once in a while?

MILLER: Well, I've been known to work an angle, yes, of course.

O'REILLY: OK. So, -- and Putin -- Miller and I are big Putin fans.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

He was forming a little Putin fan club.

MILLER: Yes.

O'REILLY: Apparently, Putin went to Siberia and caught a pike that weighs 46 pounds. There he is. There's Putin. He kissed the pike there, I believe.

MILLER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa --

O'REILLY: Yes.

MILLER: -- Billy. The monitor is partially obscured there.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

Did you just put up another Anthony Weiner photo.

O'REILLY: No, that was Putin.

MILLER: Oh, you just scared the living hell out of me.

(LAUGHTER)

I thought this is getting really weird.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

That's beyond limit. You can't keep that.

O'REILLY: No. So, he got it. But here's a controversy. Fishermen tell me that there has never been a pike that's been 46 pounds ever caught, that the biggest pike is about 30 -- about 27 pounds. And Putin is fudging it here.

MILLER: Yes. Well, I love Putin because he wears camo out on the lake and waders when he's inside the forest. I don't know what that is about.

(LAUHGTER)

All I know, -- whoa, look at this. Sorry, I get totally weird every time I see this shot.

O'REILLY: Easy, easy, Miller. Easy on the photo here, OK.

(LAUGHTER)

Easy on this, all right. Thank you.

MILLER: Huma, leave him.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

Leave him, Huma.

O'REILLY: No, no, Miller, no, no.

MILLER: Listen, he is the most interesting man in the world.

O'REILLY: Yes.

MILLER: That's what has happened to Putin. He has turned into the most --

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

O'REILLY: He's fascinating, I know. There he is. At least, he put on a shirt after he caught the fish.

MILLER: Billy, that is a solid cup.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: And the problem is that you can't tell -- Russians can't tell Putin --

(END VIDEO CLIP)

-- that he's fudging the fish or they'll throw him in jail with those girls, the riot girls or whatever they are.

MILLER: The world has gone insane.

(LAUGHTER)

You know what. Putin ought to solve their fiscal problems and come out with a Double D Cup of the Month calendar or something.

O'REILLY: Yes.

MILLER: Every time I see him, he's out with a gun or a fishhook showing me a lot of areola.

O'REILLY: Whatever. I know. He is.

MILLER: Come on. Get it together over there.

O'REILLY: He dances, by the way, on Saturday night in Moscow. Putin does that.

MILLER: Tut, tut, tut, do the Sharpton. Tut, tut, tut, tut-tat, tut- tat, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut-tat, tut-tat --

O'REILLY: Dennis Miller, everybody. Let's get out, please. Thank you.

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