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Jim Gaffigan in No Spin Zone

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," June 13, 2013. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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O'REILLY: "Back of the Book" segment tonight. As I hope you know, Sunday is Father's Day. My newspaper column this week is about American dads. You can read it on billoreilly.com and in more than 300 newspapers across the country.

One guy who knows a lot about fatherhood is comedian Jim Gaffigan who has five children and a new book out called "Dad is Fat." I spoke with him a few days ago.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

O'REILLY: So, you've got five kids in 10 years.

JIM GAFFIGAN, COMEDIAN: Five kids. There might be more. I haven't talked to my wife in an hour.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GAFFIGAN: And after the third kid, people stop congratulating you.

(LAUGHTER)

Then they just treat you like you're Amish.

(LAUGHTER)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

O'REILLY: What's the hardest thing about being a dad for you.

GAFFIGAN: There are so many things about being a dad that I wasn't prepared for.

You know, dads are the vice president of the executive branch of the family, which surprised me. You know, the mom is the president.

The mom is Bill Clinton feeling their pain. And we're Al Gore, the nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

My wife has instituted this open-door policy where if one of our kids has a nightmare, they are welcome to come in our room and pee in our bed.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

You know, my dad, I thought he was the dictator. I thought he was the pharaoh. He had us out there doing yard work.

I thought that, you know, we were slaves. But he was really second- in-command. And dads --

O'REILLY: Not my father. My father was the commander of the ship. As Ralph Crandall once put it, he was the king of the castle. But things have changed now. That's for sure.

GAFFIGAN: Well, things have definitely changed. My dad essentially just brought home the bacon. And by that I mean he didn't even shop for the bacon or bring it home or even cook it. He ate the bacon, which is understandable.

It's not that my father and his generation didn't do anything. It's that they didn't feel guilty.

O'REILLY: Not only, Jim, am I bringing the bacon home, I'm bringing the flank steak home, the fillet mignon, and then occasionally, a lobster tail gets in the mix.

(LAUGHTER)

GAFFIGAN: Well, that sounds amazing. But, you know, you're also writing. How many books do you have out right now, Bill.

O'REILLY: Well, what time is it.

GAFFIGAN: You have about eight books out.

O'REILLY: Yes, I'm like --

GAFFIGAN: I don't know.

O'REILLY: -- my books, I'm like with your kids.

GAFFIGAN: And you know, my book, you know, "Dad is Fat," it's -- the title came from my now seven-year-old son, Jack, when he was five.

And the first sentence he wrote was, "Dad is fat." And he showed it to me. And then I put him up for adoption.

O'REILLY: Right. As well you should. But it isn't -- I wrote a column last week about my son's little league team. And we lost because they were hot.

"We're hot." You know, they couldn't play. It's hot. You know, where's the air conditioning on the field. So, it's a softer generation and their expectations of dad are not the same that they were.

Why do you think that so many parents these days put their kids on a pedestal and they're almost adoring of the child where, again, post-World War II, 50's, 60's, you know, those children were there to do certain tasks and shut up.

GAFFIGAN: Right.

O'REILLY: But, now, they're like a little idols. And I don't know really what happened there.

GAFFIGAN: I think that every generation, we try and figure it out. We sit there and we go, "All right, the baby should sleep on the stomach. All right, now, the baby should sleep on its back."

And we're trying to figure it out and -- I mean that's why I have five kids. It's like all I have to do is go one-for-five, Bill.

(LAUGHTER)

You know, I mean I've got a lot of pancakes to ruin.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GAFFIGAN: Babies are a lot of work. I try and pitch in. I do diapers. I mean I don't change them. But I go, "You've got to do this diaper."

(LAUGHTER)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

O'REILLY: Now, final question. You live in New York City when you're not hobnobbing in Vegas with Cher.

GAFFIGAN: Yes.

O'REILLY: With five kids in a two-bedroom. How do you that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GAFFIGAN: The good news is we live in a two-bedroom apartment.

(LAUGHTER)

So, I thought it through.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GAFFIGAN: It's not like we're setting a goal. It's just ended up that we're still in a two-bedroom. And, my wife, whenever she has her annual baby, that kind of steers the relocation off a little bit.

O'REILLY: Well, I want tonight though to make a pitch for everyone to buy your book, "Dad is Fat" so that you can afford to live out in the suburbs where I am.

GAFFIGAN: Yes, maybe I could move in with you, Bill, you know.

O'REILLY: I don't think that's going to happen. But we could discuss it. You know, it would be a short conversation.

All right, Jim, the book is "Dad is Fat," good Father's Day gift. We appreciate your talking to us.

GAFFIGAN: Thanks for having me, appreciate it.

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