Gutfeld exposes the soft underbelly of simple-minded celebs

Hollywood has-beens trash pope, Charlton Heston

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," March 29, 2013. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So the Jim Carrey gun control video wasn't really about the Second Amendment. It was Jim Carrey, a waning star embracing sanction targets to create a false front of intelligence. Sort of like America's drone program.

So, it's fitting we began this Holy Week with Carrey ridiculing the late Charlton Heston and now end with Jason Biggs tweeting predictable jokes about the pope. There were three, trust me, they are forgettable, as is Jason.

But pope jokes are as old as the pope, and by all means you should make them. That is why our country is great because washed up comics have the right to suck.

Based on that, Jason and Carrey are civil rights pioneers. They are Jackie Robinsons of sucking.

I love the First Amendment and Twitter especially for it exposes the soft underbelly of the celebrity simple mind. They undo everything their publicists try to mask. The mystery is replaced by the moronic.

But really, Jimmy and Jason, if you want to create the illusion of edge, take a risk. Stop choosing targets approved by your sheep-like peers. The only people you are impressing are those paid to pretend your funny, i.e., your dates and your agents. Which is Jason thinks it's cool to hit the pope that lacks the veins to do the same to Muhammad. It's why Jimmy attack gun owners, but not gang bangers and it's why Jimmy mocked Mr.

Heston but won't respond to me, yet.

I guess Jimmy thought he couldn't lose to a dead man. That's what a really fun, he did. And now, Charlton Heston has a brighter future in films than Jim Carrey.

BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Don't -- do not -- you're so sure here, you got to him.

GUTFELD: I know. This guy -- this is -- he issued a press release which is basically meltdown. This is what I love about this.

Let me read one sentence and I will get to the funny parts. "I'll just say this, in my opinion, F__ news," I won't say what it is, "is the last resort for kinda-sorta-almost-journalists whose options have been severely limited by their extreme and intolerant views."

Now, let me explain about extreme and intolerant. This is guy that insulted most of America and dance order the grave of Charlton Heston.

He -- Jim Carrey is threatening in this letter, threatening legal action, something Charlton Heston can't do because Charlton Heston is dead.

That was the whole point. To stand up for somebody who couldn't talk back to a fool like Jim Carrey.

He first tweeted about this on Monday. Basically what he said that all gun owners are -- I can't say the word.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: M-F.

GUTFELD: M-F. And then he released this video, and then retreated.

When you try -- he wouldn't respond. He hid like a little baby. I love it.

PERINO: And then he retweeted all the compliments that he could get, and he ignored all the criticism.

GUTFELD: You work in P.R. Should he have released this? This is embarrassing.

PERINO: The thing is, so it started all new at 21st century with a cute little parody video and tweets, right, because he said you are not going like this. And then in order to apologize, kind of, he issued an old-fashioned press release with like a date line and everything. And if I were the press secretary, this young woman, I don't know if she's young, I would have said, yes, of course we will release the statement immediately. And then like pretended and it all went away and just like all went by Monday.

GUTFELD: By the way, Eric, he calls us bullies.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Yes, bullies.

GUTFELD: This is a guy that has called a gun owners dunes and --

BOLLING: Taking shot at the dead guy. But F news, it's childish.

I mean, if you read this whole -- where can they find this? They go to the Internet and find this. You will laugh when you read this, the mind of Jim Carrey.

You know, when we first talked about this, it came around to me, you know, he was bright guy. He was funny comedian.

He's lost it. He has melted down. I think he is just out there.

PERINO: When Bill Maher says something that we go after, Bill Maher is actually arguments on the merits for what he believes and the principles, or he might make fun for that or questioned.

Jim Carrey doesn't even know what he was --

(CROSSTALK)

ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: I don't think he knows how to engage. I mean, my impression of Jim Carrey used to be that he was a very talented actor. But there's always something about him that's like he doesn't want to you see the real Jim Carrey. So, he uses what he thinks is comedy, which is -- I mean, he calls us, what did he say? We have petty behavior -- can we put up the picture of him with the faux mustache in a cowboy hat? And we're petty, Mr. Carrey?

But, you know, he can't make a salient point. So, he engages in behavior by demeaning flyover country.

And, by the way, Mr. Carry, aren't you Canadian? So, I don't know, maybe go back to Saskatoon. Oh, wait a minute. You might have to ridicule Canadians because they also might fall into that class.

BECKEL: I will say this that last week with CBS, they apologized with some dignity, I think.

PERINO: Yes.

BECKEL: And this -- first of all, he says, they don't -- I would sue you guys but you've got no brains.

You talk out of your arse. Come sue us. Bring your arse and we'll bring what little brains we have and see what happens.

PERINO: I don't know what he would sue for? He's the one -- he started it with the video.

BOLLING: He says, viciously --

PERINO: Slander me, right.

BOLLING: He said slandered him. I would take them to task legally if I felt they were worth my time.

GUTFELD: Hey, Bob, I want --

BOLLING: I honestly, I think retract nice to say.

GUTFELD: I apologize.

I want to bring up Jason Biggs. One of them, I can't, I can't read them to you, Bob. But this is what he said the pope, the pope that went and kissed the feet of inmates. And Jason Biggs tweeted, "Ugh, fine, f-ing feet. Quoting Pope Francis, after being told he could no low kiss his preferred body parts."

PERINO: What a --

BECKEL: First of all, to do that in Holy Week is beyond the pale.

Beyond that, what the pope was doing, what Jesus taught him to do, to be servant, I'm your servant, he said, to these kids. And that's why I'm doing this.

And to make fun of that -- I don't know who this jerk is. I never heard of him before.

TANTAROS: The pope is known for reaching out to the poor and carrying on the mission of Christ.

Jason Biggs is known for sticking his wiener in a pie.

PERINO: Oh, that was him?

TANTAROS: That's him, Dana. Very -- a man of substance.

BECKEL: Hey, Jason, come kiss my feet.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: I'm glad you said feet.

BOLLING: This could be the lowest thing I've ever -- he insulted, how's this -- you insulted, I don't know, a billion, 1.2 billion people around the world.

Honestly, you go after the pope. The man is a holy man. He's devoted his life --

GUTFELD: But he won't do Muhammad, would he? He wouldn't do Muhammad. He doesn't have the --

(CROSSTALK)

TANTAROS: Is it a cry for attention? It's that -- it's like they are desperate because their careers are flailing and so they just -- they need some kind of attention. But when they do this stuff, they are silencing debate.

GUTFELD: He works for Nickelodeon, by the way, a children's network, Jason Biggs.

BECKEL: It's a cry to get out $5,000 night venue. So, to get back to make some money, but it ain't going to happen. It's going to a thousand, big boy.

GUTFELD: Yes. Well, I just remember when celebrities were actually

cool. You remember the Steve McQueens and the Clint Eastwoods and the James Dean, they did cool things. But now, they are so predictable and so stupid.

TANTAROS: And sad.

GUTFELD: And sad.

TANTAROS: Very sad.

GUTFELD: Here's a great one.

BOLLING: Are they all trying to raise the bar on others ridiculousness and vicious disgusting attacks on --

PERINO: Yes, they are probably thinking right now, what can I do so preposterous this weekend that I could be attacked by FOX News and get all this attention?

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. All right.

TANTAROS: Bring it on.

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