This is a rush transcript from "The Five," March 6, 2013. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, March 5th, we saw misty-eyed left wing hacks pay tribute to a dead tyrant. Sean Penn, Oliver Stone, Jimmy Carter, Joe Kennedy, all shower Hugo Chavez with wreaths of blithering babble.
Also, British politician George Galloway who considered Chavez modern day Spartacus. This is George on a TV show pretending to be a cat.
(BEGIN 'CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER' VIDEO CLIP)
GEORGE GALLOWAY, BRITISH POLITICIAN: Would you like me to be the cat?
RULA LENSKA, ACTRESS: Yes. Delicious.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: And he won re-election! He's a modern day Garfield.
But the winner in the Chavez dribble Olympics? The nobody at The Nation who wrote this, "The biggest problem Venezuela faced during his rule was not that Chavez was authoritarian, but that he wasn't authoritarian enough." Tell that to the dead.
While it's rude to bag on the dead man, it's more off-putting to lionize a bad man, at his heart is vile for America. The default cliche that infects all lefties, Hugo was David to our Goliath. Even though this Dave sold billions of dollars fostering a murder rate that dwarfs Chicago's. When Oliver Stone and Sean Penn weep over a man who demonize America, their message is simple: we agree with him.
What perverted minds these celebrities have. It's like women who fall in love with killers on death row. In the end, it's all about the desperately low opinion they have of themselves, an opinion we all share.
The equation seems to be -- I'm a piece of crap so I have to fall in love with someone who also sees me as a piece of crap.
The fact is, Hugo was the least popular Hugo since the Yugoslavian national vehicle. Maybe all these Hollywood ghouls should be forced to drive them just to remind themselves what amazing tools they truly are.
K.G, you were bellowing during my monologue.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: It was so weird. It was a little rough, but there were good parts.
GUTFELD: Why is it cool for left wing to embrace thugs? When they know that these people do terrible things. This guy left his country in poverty pilfering billions of dollars and he's still considered a hero?
GUILFOYLE: Well, that's the problem. And Kim Jong Un saying, why can I only just get Dennis Rodman from the '80s to show up? Why am I rejected by the Hollywood left? Because he's saying, what did I do so bad compared to this guy?
I mean, it makes no sense. I don't understand how they think it is helping their cause, their cause celebre, or making them look good. It's not.
GUTFELD: It's cool.
ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: Besides that, Chavez has been dead since last Wednesday since 11 a.m.
GUTFELD: Really? You believe that?
GUILFOYLE: Yes.
GUTFELD: He's been dead for a week?
GUILFOYLE: That is when the first report came out.
GUTFELD: Oh, really? I had no idea.
TANTAROS: They're hoping to bring him back to life or something?
GUILFOYLE: Perhaps. Stranger things have happened. Democracy is not going to happen there, not anytime soon. They already know who's going to be the president and it's all --
JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: What is your with Ouija board telling you about Fidel?
GUILFOYLE: Not Ouija board. It's --
TANTAROS: Were they trying to get a stunt double, K.G., someone who looks like him, like, you know --
GUTFELD: Edward James almost --
TANTAROS: (INAUDIBLE) the parents when the cat disappears.
GUILFOYLE: Exactly.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: It would be good. Hey, I want to read this. This is the lead from "The Huffington Post", Juan, my favorite line.
"Hugo Chavez was man of many talents. He played ball, sang songs, pulled out pistols, and got down and groovy. That is precisely how we'll remember the Venezuelan leader."
Is that precisely how we remember him? Really?
WILLIAMS: You know what, though? I mean, clearly, he had populist skill in Venezuela. I mean, he's a popular --
GUTFELD: Great politician, terrible leader.
WILLIAMS: He's a tremendous politician. I mean, let's be fair.
And the poverty rates Venezuela went down.
GUTFELD: Murder rate skyrocketed.
TANTAROS: Down to what?
WILLIAMS: No, the poverty rates went down.
TANTAROS: Down to what? Eighty percent?
WILLIAMS: No, I think they took more advantage of oil revenue. And, in fact, you know, the Kennedy brothers and with all of the deal here in the U.S. I mean, they embarrassed themselves.
But my point is you got dictators like Chavez and Fidel Castro, and to my mind, the left falls in love with the guys without understanding that they in fact corrupt, they corrupt life in those countries.
You know, I'm not going to take away from Hugo Chavez on the day he died. He was a populist leader. He's popular. In the front page pictures today of people are crying over him.
But to my mind, the poor in those countries are ill-served by dictators who claim people's land. Who oppress people and, as you point, kill people.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Let's start out with killing the rumor -- there's absolutely no truth to the rumor that President Obama is going to go to Venezuela to take over the dictatorship there.
WILLIAMS: Oh, here we go.
BOLLING: He's doing the same thing here and he realizes that in Venezuela, there are no term limits, so he can do it forever. That's absolutely categorically untrue.
Juan, to your points that were all wrong, the murder rate is 1,000 percent higher in Venezuela.
WILLIAMS: I didn't say the murder rate. I said the poverty rate went down.
BOLLING: Poverty rate double than here.
(CROSSTALK)
BOLLING: The poverty rate is double. It's 30 percent of the country lives in poverty.
WILLIAMS: It was more before him.
BOLLING: How about this one? There are 300 billion-barrel of oil reserved in Venezuela. If you value that, every single Venezuelan should be worth 1.1 million bucks. But they are living in abject poverty.
Somewhere around 30 percent of the country lives on less than $2 a day.
I don't know what the left finds really cool about what Chavez has done in Venezuela.
GUILFOYLE: Nothing good.
BOLLING: Well, but then, guys like Sean Penn and Mike Moore should just shut up.
TANTAROS: But wait a minute, Greg, according to Larry King he's really huggable.
GUTFELD: Oh, yes.
TANTAROS: Remember when Larry King said he's really huggable? I mean, that should count for something. He was roly-poly, he had a bit of a belly. I mean --
GUTFELD: He's a teddy bear.
TANTAROS: He was a big teddy bear. A big dictator teddy bear.
But, Juan, you are wrong about the oil actually. When he came into power, he transformed the national oil company and they were producing much less oil. He is leaving $2 million of profit of his own.
What is most dangerous is he gave away $150 billion of the profit to Bolivia. He gave them to the Castro brothers. He gave them to Evo Morales, to Daniel Ortega in Nicaragua, all to fund his ideological dictatorship same thinking.
WILLIAMS: I didn't say anything wrong.
(CROSSTALK)
TANTAROS: But guess what? You said he's actually taken the profits and done better with them.
WILLIAMS: He nationalized much of the oil industry with the idea that the money could go not only to the poor in his country but people around Latin America. He was standing in defiance of the United States and saying we are independent. We're our own people. But I don't think he served his people well as a dictator.
GUILFOYLE: Just so you know what is coming is worse. Just so you know. The general is going to be in charge. He is going to come in. He has been getting together the vice president and they have got this locked up.
Mark my words. It's coming.
GUTFELD: Before we break, Venezuelan owned oil refiner Citgo flew the flag outside of Houston offices at half staff on Wednesday, out of respect for Hugo Chavez. That gives me gas.
(LAUGHTER)
GUTFELD: All right.
GUILFOYLE: I can tell.
GUTFELD: Sorry, Andrea.
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