This is a rush transcript from "The Five," February 22, 2013. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So Hurricane Oscar came and went, leaving a trail of coke vials in its wake. But complaining about it is all the fun. The Oscars are like your divorced aunt who acts half her age. It's nauseating, but entertaining at the same time.
So, "Argo" beat "Zero Dark Thirty." In "Zero Dark," Bush's anti-terror policies led everyone to bin Laden. "Argo's" plot was about how Hollywood rescued hostages. So, who do you think was going to win the trophy? Come on.
But the big story last night, the first lady showing up. I mean Jane Fonda, the first lady of Hollywood. That's the only place that would embrace the bona fide traitor. She deserves the stockade not the accolade.
But also, Michelle Obama gave out best picture award. Some people hate this overt mixing of politics in Hollywood. Not I. I love the overt.
Unlike some of the actors, the Hollywood left are out of the closet. It makes sense for libs in Hollywood are identical. They live to be accepted by the cool kids. And reviews always matter more than reality.
It's better to be loved than be right.
As for the rest of us, we do not need a televised group hug. I never received a prize from anything but cracker jacks. But it's your fault if you expect anything else from the Oscar. It's like expecting roses from a hemorrhoid.
The upside is stars actually thought they were better than you, there would be no Oscars or Golden Globes or Grammys. The show exists for one reason only. It's therapy for the cool when the pills no longer work.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: You hate the overt.
GUTFELD: I hate the overt. I embrace the pervert.
GUTFELD: K.G., you and I had an argument --
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Yes.
GUTFELD: -- because we're all going through the favorite moments about this particular movement -- moment or movement -- when Ben Affleck is talking about his life. Shall we roll it?
GUILFOYLE: Let's roll it.
GUTFELD: Let's roll it.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BEN AFFLECK, ACTOR/DIRECTOR: I want to thank my wife, who I don't normally associate with Iran -- but I want to thank you for working on our marriage for 10 Christmases. It's good. It is work, but it's the best kind of work and there's no one I'd rather work with.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So you love this, K.G.
GUILFOYLE: Well, because I like him, and I think, you know, he is very sweet. He is a nice guy. And he really loves his wife. That was a little embarrassing and awkward. But --
GUTFELD: He said marriage is a lot of hard work.
GUILFOYLE: That wasn't good. They have been working on it for 10 years because all the pictures in Us Weekly, they look so happy.
But, yes, it was one of those moments in the Oscars -- one of the best moments, don't you think?
GUTFELD: One of them was also my wife --
GUILFOYLE: And he was vulnerable, yes.
GUTFELD: If you said, oh, yes, it's a lot of work. Hard work is worth it. No, I'd be sleeping not -- not on the couch. I'd be sleeping on a homeless couch.
GUILFOYLE: You've already be on legalzoom.com like Bob, Greg.
GUTFELD: Nice plug, by the way.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: It's not worth all the work.
GUILFOYLE: Bob is getting it out.
BECKEL: I have done it. Been there, done it. No more.
GUTFELD: You -- did you watch the Oscars?
GUTFELD: No? But did you have a favorite moment? Movement?
BECKEL: Well, my favorite moment was I watched "Swamp Hunters." And the "Swamp" whatever they're called -- these good old boys down in Louisiana. A lot of the 150 million or 180 million Americans who did not watch the Oscars, I include myself. For that moment I congratulate you all for not wasting a second of your valuable life on this ridiculous, self-absorbed, overrated crap.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, you missed Michelle Obama.
GUTFELD: The majority of the audience of "The Five" probably agrees with you, but I think it's important as righty libertarian. You've got to throw yourself out there to watch this stuff.
BOLLING: I did. I was watching it. It was hard, though, because "Walking Dead" --
BECKEL: If you're not watching TV --
BECKEL: You are either on TV or watching TV.
BOLLING: I love watching TV. I actually love award shows. Hate me for it, I love them.
I wanted to watch "Walking Dead" but I caught the 11 p.m. re-air of that. So, that was cool. But I did miss Michelle Obama. That'd be cool, I think it was great they had her on.
My favorite moments, though, when Jennifer Lawrence tripped up the stairs. Kind of funny. She handled it very well. There it is. Ready, ready. Apparently, that was a really long dress. And she caught it. But she handled it very well.
GUILFOYLE: But she wasn't hurt.
BOLLING: Look how long the dress is. Wow.
Anyway, and my other favorite moment was Adele. I thought she just nailed "Skyfall" again and she's fantastic.
GUTFELD: Can I take issue with this? She's a great singer. But I said before, all James Bond songs are people yelling the title of the song. "Skyfall!" "Skyfall!" "Live and Let Die!" "Goldfinger!" -- they don't write lyrics. They just shout the title. Orchestra comes in, woman sings. Thing over.
BECKEL: "Goldfinger" was good.
GUTFELD: "Goldfinger" was good.
GUILFOYLE: Don't quit the day job for Broadway, Gutfeld.
GUTFELD: I know, I can't sing.
BECKEL: What was the one with the woman in the bikini? That was "Goldfinger", right?
GUTFELD: Dana, you were blogging all night about the Oscars.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Yes, I'm with Bob. I didn't like them. What we watch now is the first I've seen of it. Was it the night of the beard last night? I don't understand that.
GUTFELD: There were a lot of gay men with dates.
PERINO: Very good.
GUILFOYLE: I got that one, too.
PERINO: The only show I watched yesterday was this one and take a look. The seal show at Central Park Zoo.
BOLLING: He is a good boy.
PERINO: Check it out.
I watched "House of Cards." I finished the series in a week. Fantastic.
GUTFELD: That's nice, Dana.
PERINO: It deserves an award.
GUTFELD: But this is about the Oscars. I have --
GUILFOYLE: How about Jennifer Hudson?
GUTFELD: Jennifer Hudson, wonderful.
GUILFOYLE: She was amazing.
GUTFELD: She looks amazing.
BECKEL: Who was she?
GUTFELD: She's a singer.
GUILFOYLE: She sang. She was in "Dreamgirls" and she's one of the finalist for "American Idol." She should have been the winner.
GUTFELD: Very talented.
PERINO: What's your opinion on Seth MacFarlane?
GUTFELD: I thought he did a pretty good job. I think that he is getting a lot of gaffe because he, you know, was younger and he got the demo up by 20 percent.
GUTFELD: I think he was -- you know, he was making fun of the people in the room. He wasn't making fun of America. I like that.
But I have two things. I want to show, this is a post interview with Quentin Tarantino. Two hilarious questions. First one, go.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REPORTER: I am from Mexico, people over there and I think everywhere in the world loves you and congratulates you tonight. Do you know the effect you have in the world?
QUENTIN TARANTINO, FILMMAKER: Yes. I've, actually, always prided myself on being an international filmmaker. I mean, where I come -- the way I look at it, I'm not an American filmmaker, I'm an American, and I'm a filmmaker, but I make movies for planet Earth.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
But the question was just -- how far can you crawl up this guy's butt?
PERINO: Nothing to lose.
GUTFELD: All right. But this is the weirdest, possibly the weirdest question I heard anybody ask.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REPORTER: Do you really think that in the anatomy of a human body, it also has bones, you know? There are jokes about that. We keep on saying there's only blood and flesh in a human body, and we see that and it's a hit, you know?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: He asked if there were any bones in the human body. I think what he was saying -- nobody got it. But I think he was saying that maybe all of Quentin Tarantino's characters are filled with blood.
BOLLING: Blood and guts.
GUTFELD: And are there any bones?
BECKEL: Can you repeat the question?
GUILFOYLE: That was he was saying, there is so much blood in his movies.
BOLLING: That's journalism.
GUTFELD: Was everybody OK with Michelle Obama being on?
GUILFOYLE: I thought she did a good job. She was much better than the rest of the presenters. She wasn't nervous.
GUTFELD: I didn't think it was necessary. That's all my take.
GUILFOYLE: Well, that's different question.
BOLLING: You didn't like it?
GUTFELD: No, it's not that I didn't like it. I just didn't think it was that necessary.
GUILFOYLE: You thought it was gratuitous.
BOLLING: She had military on her background.
BECKEL: Gee, they'll rethink it after hearing that, Greg.
GUTFELD: Yes, they're going to take my advice, Bob?
BOLLING: Can I make a point about Seth MacFarlane?
BOLLING: Fantastic guy. I think he held back. He wasn't the real Seth MacFarlane.
GUTFELD: He had to.
GUTFELD: Because it's Oscars.
BOLLING: For what? You won't hold back, would you?
GUTFELD: Well, I will never make that far.
PERINO: It's harder job than being the Republican response to the State of the Union that President Obama just gave because the critics, they are going to be vicious. I don't know how anybody could succeed doing that.
GUTFELD: Yes, the worth part of the show, Seth MacFarlane was, by far, he was OK. It was the musical numbers.
PERINO: They lasted forever.
GUTFELD: They lasted forever, and most of the people, like in "Les Mis", they can't sing but for one person. It was horrifying. It's like people shouting at you.
GUILFOYLE: That's what I thought. They were like shouting the whole time.
GUTFELD: Just like "The Five."
GUILFOYLE: Kind of like this show if we dressed up like that and started singing.
GUTFELD: Yes, maybe you should, Kimberly. All right.
GUILFOYLE: People would like it when you sing.
BECKEL: How much dough in terms of just fashion and stuff like that? Millions and millions, right?
GUTFELD: Yes, at least a couple of --
PERINO: Not as many as the Obama fundraisers. But it's a lot.
GUTFELD: Way to turn it in to a political tirade, Dana.
GUILFOYLE: Did you like William Shatner?
GUTFELD: He's OK.
GUILFOYLE: Kind of clever.
GUTFELD: That was clever.
BECKEL: William Shatner?
GUILFOYLE: Did I mispronounce?
BECKEL: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought he was dead.
GUTFELD: He said the same thing about you, Bob.
BECKEL: I'm sure.
GUTFELD: And he's almost right.
BECKEL: Many people counting on it.
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