This is a rush transcript from "The Five," December 12, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat? A new survey found that 44 percent believe the jolly man of heft is of the left, versus 28 percent think St. Nick is more like Mitt. It make sense at least when it comes to the whole handing out freebies things. Bob --
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Oh, yes.
GUTFELD: Democrats are the party of giving, except unlike Santa, the giving isn't link to any worthwhile behavior. Santa rewards you for being good, liberal reward you for towing the line.
Anyway, that's where the similarities end. Santa's toy is made in a work shop. Whereas a Dem doesn't make them, he just takes them. Then he spreads them around, but only after melting them down to drab coins. After all, equality of outcome means there's no ceiling on goodness, leaving you with sad trinkets that cost four times more.
But, hey, in the war of who is naughty or nice, the Dems will always win. They will be Santa and we'll be Satan, a stereotype perpetuated in pop culture that deems anything rooted in common sense must be mean. And this lets the left run the give-away.
And that's the whole point, to win people over with the free crud that in the end isn't really free at all.
So, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. As that jolly red Democrat flies back to the North Pole, he leaves behind a mountain of toys and mountain of bills as well. Who is going to pay for those? Let the Republicans worry about that, you know, the grown-ups.
I really hated that Bob predicted my entire monologue before I even started.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: He is asleep.
BECKEL: I could have written that one in my sleep.
GUTFELD: Yes. I agree. I agree, when I was writing I go this is writing itself.
BECKEL: Yes, it is.
BECKEL: You know that reindeer is a member of a union. Transportation Reindeer Union of America.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Rudolph was a scab.
BECKEL: That's right. He was a scab. He jumped them with big nose of his, he was a drunk and he came in and he took over --
PERINO: And the elves, they were terrible.
GUILFOYLE: You guys.
BECKEL: Kimberly, are you awake?
GUILFOYLE: I have been awake, OK?
GUTFELD: Go to Eric.
GUTFELD: He's sitting there patiently wondering what just happened to this show. Santa, Democrat or Republican?
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Clearly a Republican. He's carrying. He's loving. He's compassionate. All things associated with --
PERINO: He's old fat white guy. Perfect.
BOLLING: Exactly. The conservative movement.
GUILFOYLE: Carrying, I thought. You mean like a weapon?
BECKEL: Carrying like a weapon, that's for sure.
GUILFOYLE: I thought you mean like Santa is packing, like heat.
GUTFELD: Do you think the brownies that John Gibson gave us earlier today had something in them?
GUILFOYLE: Well, I didn't it.
PERINO: He's trying to sabotage this.
GUTFELD: All right, Dana, if you could formulate a coherent sentence.
GUTFELD: What do you make of these findings?
PERINO: This is what I've been deciding about Christmas. I agree with you. We should celebrate this every three years.
It is driving me crazy. I feel like I can remember, I have a good memory, which is a blessing and a curse, especially for my husband -- and for you. The thing is like, I remember everything from last Christmas like it was yesterday. I could tell you exactly what happened on your Christmas show and everything.
The other thing Santa has just become a behavior enforcement device for parents. For like ever since like Halloween to Christmas, it's like you better be good or Santa is not going to bring you this. It's too much.
GUILFOYLE: The naughty list. You were never on the naughty list. But be honest. You were always naughty or nice, I'm nice.
BECKEL: I can't remember yesterday, let alone a year ago.
PERINO: Which is a blessing and a curse for you.
BECKEL: It's a blessing and a course. But the one thing about this, is when you lose track of the fact, I know they say two or three years for Christmas is sort of funny. But let's remember, serious note, this is a celebration of the birth of --
PERINO: Now they will all attack me.
BECKEL: No, they shouldn't attack. I mean, you're right. I mean, all the commercialization of Christmas is terrible. We lost track of what this is about.
PERINO: I celebrate Christmas every day.
BECKEL: You do?
PERINO: Yes, spirit of Christmas.
BECKEL: Eric does church every day.
BOLLING: I light candles for everyone every day.
GUILFOYLE: And St. Patrick.
BOLLING: Since we're off the rails anyway on the show, I was tweeting about this. I said Xmas, meaning -- there are --
GUILFOYLE: People got upset.
BOLLING: They went craze that I used Xmas instead of Christmas. I'm not taking Christ out of Christmas, I go to church every day. But I was conserving space.
PERINO: Yes, you only have 140 characters.
BOLLING: But I think you're allowed to.
BECKEL: At least among theologians, that's a really nasty thing to do.
BOLLING: I think it's not, Bob.
GUILFOYLE: He didn't mean anything by it. That's for sure.
BOLLING: No, but there is a reason to be able to use the XMAS.
GUTFELD: Kimberly, are you telling me to tease?
GUTFELD: Now, you're bored with this segment.
GUILFOYLE: No, just with you really. For real, Chase that tease.
GUTFELD: Oh my God.
GUILFOYLE: It's boring. You're actually boring Chase and me.
GUTFELD: You know what? Just go upstairs.
BECKEL: Coming up, that time of year. Remember this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIPS)
BECKEL: Covered pretzels, out of my face.
BOLLING: Look at that. Let me see. Suspenders. I'm guessing --
BECKEL: Capitalist pig.
PERINO: This is so thoughtful. It has to come from Kimberly.
GUTFELD: Yes, only a girl would do this.
GUILFOYLE: This is starting to get weird. This isn't the first time I got a picture of a guy.
GUTFELD: Why do I feel like I'm going to like this?
BECKEL: It's probably a bottle of wine.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECKEL: Go ahead, Greg.
GUTFELD: Yes, it's time to pick secret Santas again. If you leave, you're not going to find out what's in my secret eggnog recipe. Hint: it rhymes with hobo toes, because it is.
GUILFOYLE: I still have that picture of you.
GUTFELD: Kind of creepy.
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