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Stewart and O'Reilly rumble in 'No Spin Zone'

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," September 18, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

Watch "The O'Reilly Factor" weeknights at 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. ET!

BILL O'REILLY, FNC HOST: "Back of the Book" segment tonight. As we reported last night, Jon Stewart, your humble correspondent, will hold a live debate at George Washington University in D.C. on October 6th.

You can see it on the Internet for $4.95. And we will count the pennies. So, you just go to therumble2012.com, therumble2012 for details.

The question is, why has Stewart lowered himself to do this. And here he is to explain.

JON STEWART, HOST, THE DAILY SHOW: I'm here. And the reason I'm doing this, Bill, is very similar to Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, why he never abandoned him.

As he told, I believe, it was Yoda or Obi Wan Kenobi, "I sense there is still good in you."

O'REILLY: Is that right.

STEWART: I sense that you can be saved, that there is still good in you. And it is my job, for the good of this planet, to bring you back from the dark side.

O'REILLY: So, you're hanging with me --

STEWART: I don't like this movement though. This a very Darth Vader movement. You want to open up --

O'REILLY: Right. You're hanging with me just so to keep me from going all the way over.

STEWART: That's right. You know, there's been talk that you are now more machine than man. But, I believe, we can bring you back. And that's what this night is about. This night is about redemption.

Although, what is the protocol for two people about to debate. Is it like a wedding thing. Am I not supposed to see you now. Like, how does this work.

O'REILLY: No, no, none of that, no. We're just going to be like we really are in real life. Me, very successful and you, just hanging on.

And then, when we show up on October 6, it's going to be like a presidential debate. Me, the President. And, you, I have no idea.

STEWART: Challenger.

O'REILLY: Right, OK. But we're not rooting for either guy. And I want -- that gets me too --

STEWART: You're making a big mistake. Listen, when I'm done with you, you're going to walk out of that stage, you'll be 5'7, I'll be 6'4.

O'REILLY: Is that right, that's what's going to happen. Magic.

STEWART: By the end of it, people will go like, "Is that Dudley Moore. Who is that walking away." And I'll go, "That's O'Reilly."

O'REILLY: OK. You were down at the -- I didn't see you, though, were you in Tampa.

STEWART: Tampa for the conventions and Charlotte conventions.

O'REILLY: I didn't see you.

STEWART: We couldn't get on the floor. We couldn't get press passes like you, guys, could.

O'REILLY: Oh, they wouldn't let you in. Because you would mock them. You know that. You would mock them.

STEWART: I did not realize that was their objection to us.

O'REILLY: Yes. Oh, yes, yes, "Why should we let this guy in. He's going to mock us."

STEWART: I didn't realize that the political powers that be could be brought low by simple puns and satire.

O'REILLY: So, you are kind of like an outlier. You were out in the suburbs, broadcasting.

STEWART: That's not the reason. The DNC put us up, and this is true, in South Carolina.

O'REILLY: You took their money --

STEWART: They didn't allow us -- no. They wouldn't even put us up in a hotel in the state. We were set up in South Carolina.

And the North Carolina people, I'll tell you, I will say this, the nicest people, most hospitable you'll ever want to meet. There was a certain point, because you know us, coming from New York, where I felt almost like it was sarcastic --

O'REILLY: That they were mocking you by being too nice.

STEWART: Like there's a whole like, "Can I get you," you know, "Are you doing good. You're having a good thing, sweetie."

And I just go like, "You want a piece of this. Is that what you want, lady." I mean very uncomfortable.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: And so you went running, screaming into the night. Was there anything, anything at all, at the Democratic Convention that impressed you.

STEWART: At the Democratic conventions.

O'REILLY: Yes.

STEWART: Yes. The streets did not run red with the blood of protesters. I was impressed that the whole thing didn't disintegrate into anarchy. I was assuming there was going to be 60 --

O'REILLY: OK. No, the police in both cities did very well. But in the editorial side.

STEWART: Oh, I thought they, surprisingly, did a very nice organizational job. Each night had a speaker of note --

O'REILLY: Sandra Fluke. You like Sandra, right.

STEWART: I saw a little of her speech. I thought she was very well possessed, did a very nice job there. I know she's a particular punching bag for you because --

O'REILLY: No, no, no.

STEWART: God just forbid a woman come out of nowhere and speak about an issue close to her heart without having --

O'REILLY: And her hand in my wallet at the same time.

STEWART: -- Dr. Doom reigning death from above.

O'REILLY: So, let me just ask you, because this is going to come up at "The Rumble in the Air-Conditioned Auditorium", do you want to pay for this woman's birth control. I mean, do you want to do that.

STEWART: Here's what I want to do. I want to make sure that women are entitled to the same health care benefits that men should be entitled to and if that is a part of their business, first of all --

O'REILLY: No, but that's not a part of it. The men don't get that.

STEWART: She works for a private institution. I'm not paying for her healthcare anyway. Catholic University is not -- what am I --

O'REILLY: No, it's Georgetown. Come on.

STEWART: It's a private place. I don't pay for anything anyway --

O'REILLY: No, no. But she wants everybody to get paid for.

STEWART: No, she doesn't. She wants Georgetown to do it.

O'REILLY: We have to pick up the dating now in this country. We have to pick up dating.

STEWART: Do you understand the difference between a public institution and a private institution.

O'REILLY: "Dating Game" is going to be on PBS. We'll pay for it. And the aftermath.

STEWART: What did those nuns do to you. What did they do to you --

O'REILLY: No, I'm telling you, I don't care what Sandra does.

STEWART: -- to make you so uncomfortable.

O'REILLY: I don't want to pay for it.

STEWART: You know, we are all the product of this type of procreation. You know that, right.

O'REILLY: Yes, I do.

(LAUGHTER)

Republican Convention. Clint Eastwood, scare you when he went up there because I'm --

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

STEWART: I thought he's great.

O'REILLY: Please.

STEWART: Clint Eastwood at 84 could still take both of us and still throw us over a bridge. Clint Eastwood was the best.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

Listen, these things are scripted, infomercials. You never see -- to have a guy get up there --

O'REILLY: And he's real.

STEWART: -- and he's real and doing his own thing. It was a breath of fresh air. I thought it was hilarious. The funniest thing to me must have been backstage with all the Romney advisors going, "Let's go. We got to go."

O'REILLY: Yes, they didn't know whether they'd like it or not.

STEWART: Right. Or if they'd have to find out later.

O'REILLY: Yes, like everything else. Did you think it was disrespectful to talk to a chair that represented the President of the United States. Your man, the guy that you idolize.

STEWART: Yes, no, my idol. You're thinking of Elvis. I don't think it's disrespectful to talk to a chair. These are political conventions. The whole point of these things is they should be called three of disrespect to the other guy.

That's what the whole thing is. So, I had no problem with that. I thought it was hilarious, but I also thought that it was indicative of the entire convention, which is this fictional invisible Obama that only republicans can see.

That's this scary, Kenyan, Muslim socialist. And when you look at the facts, you realize, the guy sitting in the actual chair is just --

O'REILLY: A scary Muslim, Kenyan socialist.

(LAUGHTER)

STEWART: -- a normal technocrat legislator. You're going down, buddy.

O'REILLY: All right, so Stewart and I -- and this is charity, by the way and we want to --

STEWART: Have you picked your charities yet.

O'REILLY: I have, I have. They're on my Web site, billoreilly.com. You should go there.

STEWART: Like a group that builds walls on a Mexico border.

O'REILLY: Yes. That's right. They keep everybody out of the U.S. except for the white people charity.

STEWART: Now, I understand.

O'REILLY: That's the one. You get a flavor of what's going on.

STEWART: I understand. I've seen the T-shirts.

O'REILLY: All right, get out of here.

(LAUGHTER)

Once again, the Web site, if you want to see "The Rumble in the Air- Conditioned Auditorium", is therumble2012.com, therumble2012.com.

STEWART: When we're done, you're going to be Jewish. That's what's happening to you.

O'REILLY: Somebody tape his mouth.

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