This is a rush transcript from "The Five," May 11, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Normally I hate days. Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Doris day. But Mother's Day is different, because moms serve the most important function on earth. No matter what men do -- fight wars, build bridges, invent nachos -- it pales to the one thing that keeps this planet percolating, giving birth.
Men are disposable. Women are vital. That's not opinion. That's biology. By reproductive design, women are precious because they're carrying the cargo. Men just drop it off.
Yes, I know women have come a long way. They even drive in some states, Kimberly.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Yes.
GUTFELD: If all they do in life is be a great mom, that's awesome.
Now, feminists have mocked full-time motherhood as silly and old fashioned. Maybe they're right. I mean, what do moms do really? Sure, you carry this thing inside you for nine months. And after you give birth your body never really is the same.
And, of course, once you're a mom, all of your personal desires come secondary as the survival of the child becomes your life's priority, which leads you to worry each day and every night the little one turn out right. How easy is that?
Maybe I hate Mother's Day. If anything, it's an affront to all women who think full-time moms have never worked a day in their lives. Which reminds me of a good joke: What do you call an angry feminist on Mother's Day? You don't.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Happy Mother's Day.
GUILFOYLE: Thank you, Bob.
I don't appreciate the comment saying we lose our body or figures.
GUTFELD: You're an exception. For some reason, every time you have a kid your body gets better.
GUILFOYLE: I only have one. Thank you for starting that urban legend. I'm not a cat. I don't have a litter.
BECKEL: Whose mothers are alive at this table?
GUILFOYLE: That's awkward.
BECKEL: It's not. My mother is dead.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Hold off on that.
BECKEL: We are?
GUTFELD: Well, I'm going to ask the moms here. K.G.., what has Ronan got planned for you?
GUILFOYLE: We're going to Branson (ph). I shouldn't get my location. Edit.
GUTFELD: Harve wants to know.
GUILFOYLE: Harve and Ronan and I, modern family, are going for a picnic in the park. That is Ronan at the park, Central Park, over New York.
So, yes, we're going to do a little of that. The first is the school project that we worked on. OK. I hired someone.
ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: There is no denying that kid. Looks just like you.
GUILFOYLE: It must be the mouth.
BOLLING: Good kid.
GUTFELD: Andrea, what are your plans? Is your mom around here?
TANTAROS: She is in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
GUTFELD: Very close. You better take the Beaver Bus.
TANTAROS: Yes. The Dutch bus.
GUTFELD: By way 78, West Coast ville.
BECKEL: What the heck are you guys talking about?
GUTFELD: We're talking about the bus line we use to take when we live --
TANTAROS: Let's talk my mom and my little brother Daniel when he was little. My mom -- I talk about my dad a lot on the show, but my mom is the glue of the family. There was my mom and I when I was little.
And she is a wise, kind woman. She really is. She raised four kids and was my father's side building businesses together. She is a sharp, caring wonderful lady.
The quote that sums her is up the George Washington quote that says, "All I am, I owe to my mother." That's so true. She pushed me to get in politics. She pushed me to learn a bunch of languages. She pushed me and inspired me.
She is the reason why I'm in politics. So, Bob, you can thank my mom for driving you nuts.
GUTFELD: She was the glue in your family. And Bob sniffed the glue in his family.
BECKEL: I did.
I will say this -- my mother passed away about 10 years ago. She was an unbelievable wonderfully influence. My old mom up and split. There is me and my mom.
My mother used to be a model actually in New York City. She was the chesterfield girl at Times Square. Laid out and smoked the cigarettes and stuff. She's a remarkable woman in many ways.
She had to pick it up -- I mean, she had alcohol problems. We all did. But she kept the family together when the old man up and split and left her with all kind of bills. I will always appreciate that.
I miss her to this day.
BOLLING: Were you a leg model?
BECKEL: Was I a leg model? No.
TANTAROS: Those are really short shorts. Like baby dukes.
BOLLING: Very quickly, I'm Italian boy who never left his mom. Technically, she passed away eight years ago and still feels like it happened yesterday. Mom, love you.
Do we have picture? We have a picture. She is on the left. She's wearing the white. Miss you. Love you. And that's it.
GUTFELD: You guys love the sun.
GUILFOYLE: OK, I do want to say -- I didn't have a picture of my mom to bring forward. But you guys and my friends on "The Five," my mom Mercedes Marie Jarena Guilfoyle (ph) was an angel. I love her. She came to San Francisco. She raised my little brother and I and passed away when I was ten. But, you know, I remember her today like yesterday. Very sweet.
BOLLING: Your turn, my friend.
GUTFELD: My mom, people know Jackie from "Red Eye." She often calls in. She's doing good. She's 87. She's got a crazy sense of humor.
She loves to party. She's going to be partying this weekend.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my gosh. I love it.
GUTFELD: She's the local swinger. She can get that thing going up to 20 miles per hour. And do back flips while holding a glass of gin. It's kind of impressive.
I sent her flowers. She should get them as I speak. It was on the last truck.
BOLLING: Before I go, can I say, the other mom in my life, my smoking hot wife.
GUILFOYLE: Hot momma.
TANTAROS: She is a woman that doesn't look like she had a baby either.
BECKEL: She looks like a woman who could have done better.
GUILFOYLE: That's not nice.
TANTAROS: She looks like a woman that denied you when you hit on her, how about that?
BOLLING: That never happened.
GUTFELD: You only wear white anywhere you go.
BOLLING: I like to tan.
GUILFOYLE: They're from Jersey.
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