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Miller takes on the Secret Service scandal

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," April 18, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, let's get right to the sage of Southern California, who joins us now from Santa Barbara.

So you were just listening to the lottery people winning that big money, huh?

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. Sweet story. But you can see, Billy, right away, you get the right amount of money, you can stand on whatever end of the podium you want. They can't tell you what to do anymore.

O'REILLY: Right. But the camera is behind you.

MILLER: You can stand wherever you want.

O'REILLY: We wish them the best. But we -- also a cautionary tale: when you have a lot of money your life changes, and people change toward you. You've got to be careful about that.

All right. Have you ever been to Cartagena, Colombia? Ever been down there?

MILLER: Well, Billy, this story reeks of nostalgia for me. When I first moved out to L.A. to pursue my dream and I was broke, I lived out in the Hispanic community in the Valley. And I joined for social purposes a bowling team called the Cartagena Hookers. We used to set up way outside. We'd bring it like Johnny Petraglia from that far board right into the slot. So the Cartagena Hookers, that took me way back.

O'REILLY: It -- old memories. I've been to that town. That's a wide-open town. And you know...

MILLER: They still talk about it. Hey, Billy, I don't know what you get for 47 bucks down there, but we're getting killed by the exchange rate.

Now, this is what happens. You go in and you offer the girl 50. I don't know what 50 gets you. I wish I worked at Current TV tonight. I could ask Spitzer to pull the price card out of his wallet. He could tell me.

But you go in for 50, and the buck is so devalued you'd give them 47. Listen, I don't have to tell you, traditionally and ironically, I might add, the prostitute community in Colombia, loathe to dicker. Loathe to dicker.

O'REILLY: They don't want to bargain. I know that's what you are getting at. If you are a Secret Service guy, No. 1, you shouldn't be doing that No. 2, you're trying to stiff the lady? You're not going to pay her? What do you think is going to happen?

MILLER: Exactly. You know, I think -- I think when you hire a prostitute in Cartagena, I think you are trying to stiff the lady.

Listen, people get confused. The presidential -- when they go down with different presidents, the rules change. If you did this under Clinton, you were in line for the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

O'REILLY: Come on, Miller. Come on now.

MILLER: Billy, I think Clinton's Secret Service name was the Big Alibi, if I'm not mistaken.

O'REILLY: All right. Let's get on to the GSA scandal.

MILLER: Can you imagine if they'd went into the same bar Hillary was getting loaded in? We would have been one John Edwards short of having a "Dear Penthouse" letter, for God's sakes.

O'REILLY: She wasn't loaded. She was just having a good time and a beer. She was a blowing off a little steam.

MILLER: It's a wild White House nowadays. I just roll with it.

O'REILLY: All right. GSA, you saw at the top with our pal Jeff running around in Vegas. I think he's come to a couple of your shows in Vegas, Miller, if I'm not -- not mistaken. You comped him. Didn't you comp him for a couple of shows?

MILLER: Yes. Could you never show me this picture again, because I might have to procreate on my time on my planet, and I don't need to have that mental image in there.

What the hell is that? That looks like a Jacqueline Suzanne cover.

Listen, Billy, the president has got to pull it together. You know, the fish winds from the top down. And right now, you've got this GSA snafu. The Secret Service gets (EXPLETIVE DELETED), Cartagena. Gas prices doubled from $1.83. We've got an 8.2 percent unemployment rate. Federal employees owe $1 billion in back taxes, and yet I can't come down on the president about it.

This is the first time we can't blame a president. Tighten it up over there, baby. It's getting sloppy, for God's sake. You've got to take some credit.

O'REILLY: Well, that's what I told the two Democratic ladies (ph) at the top of the program. I said, "Look, you can't be asking Miller and O'Reilly, as successful as the Bolder Fresher tour has been, to pay more in taxes when Jeff is in the hot tub in Vegas. You've just got to clean it up first." But they're not going to listen to me, Miller, and I don't think they're going to listen to you.

MILLER: No. And listen, don't ever ask me to pose for that shot when we are on the road with the Bolder Fresher tour.

O'REILLY: Don't worry about it, Miller. What you do in the tub stays in Vegas.

MILLER: Billy -- Billy, remember, when you're -- when you're having nude comedian always use a white wine. A white wine.

O'REILLY: All right. Now you used to be on "Saturday Night Live."

Are you OK, Miller? Are you coming back here? I've got two more minutes on this segment. All right. You used to be on "Saturday Night Live."

MILLER: Run up in two minutes.

O'REILLY: Romney might get invited to be on "Saturday Night Live." Your advice to the governor?

MILLER: Yes. I have a good idea for a sketch, Billy. What about this? We do a "Downton Abbey" parody where Obama and Michelle are the imperious heads of the White House household.

Romney plays the good-looking butler. His five kids play the dreamy groomsmen out in the stables. And his wife plays the maid who busts her ass doing every job in the place. She's running here. She's running there. She's cleaning this. She's cleaning that.

And Michelle is the one who's making her run around and work hard in the household. That's my sketch.

O'REILLY: OK. So I'll pass that on to Lorne Michaels, and I'm sure that he will have you back to write it.

Finally, Dick Clark. Miller and I grew up in "American Bandstand" times, and we were hopping and bopping to the "Crocodile Rock" on that program. Do you know him? Do you have anything to say about him?

MILLER: Never met him, Billy, but I'll say this. He seems like a class act. And at the end of the day, if they are going to rate a man by his record, I'd have to give Dick Clark 100, because you definitely could dance to this guy. He was a good cat from afar.

O'REILLY: Very successful guy. Now, he had the best hair, and it's funny we're looking at Rudy Giuliani in the hair context. See if you can get off the former mayor. OK. Clark had the best hair, except for Mitt Romney. I think it's a tie. I think that's the best hair you can have. Reagan had great hair, too, right?

MILLER: People don't realize this. The last three years of Giuliani's administration he was combing hair over from Dick Clark's head.

O'REILLY: I'm sure I pictured that. Miller just came up with that. That was -- you know, we didn't talk about this before.


O'REILLY: That was brilliant, Miller. Very good.

MILLER: That's what I do. That's what I do.

O'REILLY: Yes. A little shaky on "The Saturday Night Live," but that was great.

All right. Miller, everybody. The D-man would like you to consider giving mom the best Mother's Day gift ever: tickets to see him and me, your humble correspondent, in New York City May 12. The night before Mother's Day.

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