Miller unloads on high gas prices

'Comedian' gives his hilarious take on the increase in the prices at the pump


This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," February 22, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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O'REILLY: All right. Thanks for staying with us. I'm Bill O'Reilly.

In the "Miller" segment tonight, we are lucky to have the D-man right here in our L.A. studio. He traveled down by limo from his palatial house in Santa Barbara.

That must have cost you some gas money.


O'REILLY: Yes, by limo. You're in a limo.

MILLER: We're on FOX, for God's sakes. They send half a smart car.

O'REILLY: Is that right? You were in one of those little...?

MILLER: I drove myself.

O'REILLY: Did you really?

MILLER: Yes, sure.

O'REILLY: It costs a lot of gas, though. It's 5 bucks a gallon out here.

MILLER: Before we get to that, I wanted to bring, Bill -- I got you a welcome to L.A. gift.

O'REILLY: That's nice. For me?

MILLER: Open it. Don't save the paper.

O'REILLY: All right. Don't worry about it.

MILLER: A little something.

O'REILLY: I've been wanting to read this.

MILLER: "Killing Lincoln."

O'REILLY: I've been wanting to read this.

MILLER: I'll sign it for you.

O'REILLY: Are you mocking me?

MILLER: No, I'm not.

O'REILLY: That's in the contract. That's not allowed.

MILLER: The book is hot. I just thought I'd get you one.

O'REILLY: I know.

All right. Gas prices going through the roof.


O'REILLY: And you say?

MILLER: Well, first off, whenever I think of, you know, the cost of gas, I have to say it's not like my biggest thing that...

O'REILLY: But you're a rich guy.

MILLER: Yes, but Bill, you know, when I was broke I remember thinking you take a two-ton object, move it 30 miles for, you know, at that point it was two bucks; now it's four bucks. You know what I mean. I've been broke with gas.

To me, out of all the things we spend on, to move a two-ton object 30 miles for four bucks is -- I don't know. It's not the worst deal you get.

That being said if I had to blame anybody, I would blame obviously the environmentalists. It's so silly that -- look at North Dakota and Canada. All you have to do is tap in. We've got Alaska just sitting up there. We don't do anything with it.

O'REILLY: But even if you did, they're going to send it to China now. We're not going to get the benefits of all of that.

MILLER: Yes, I saw that. That was interesting.

O'REILLY: That really torques me off. And I didn't mention this. I should have. Who owns this country physically? Who owns it? Physically, the land?

MILLER: The Indians.

O'REILLY: No. We do. And the Indians are incorporated into that.

MILLER: I don't know if we were in politically correct mode.

O'REILLY: We, the people, own the land.

MILLER: I'm an Indian.

O'REILLY: And we own 12 miles of ocean offshore. That's the U.S. sphere of influence. We own that; it's ours. All the 320 million American citizens. The government doesn't own it. The oil companies don't own it.

So they take the stuff out of our land, and they send it to China. Does that make sense to you?

MILLER: Other than saying that on this show, though, if you want to go out and get in the way of that process, you're going to get shot.

O'REILLY: I'm taking a lot of flack.

MILLER: But you know what I'm saying. It's like taxes. You want to be the first guy to say, "I'm not paying my taxes?" You'll end up in, you know...

O'REILLY: I'll be next to Wesley Snipes. I'll be able to be in the same cell. And it's tough being in a cell with Wesley, because he turns into a vampire at night.

MILLER: Wait, let me -- here's my Wesley Snipes "Passenger 57" impression.

"Always bet on black."

O'REILLY: No one saw the movie, but if you did, it was good.

MILLER: Well, the reason, there were only 56 people who saw the film.

O'REILLY: That's right. All of them were vampires.

OK. Now, serious subject, Whitney Houston, it's been reported on the Net, was Xanax, Valium and booze in her system. The funeral went on for a very long time. You say?

MILLER: I was watching the funeral. And I remember thinking, listen, I don't have an axe to grind with Whitney Houston. She had a pretty voice. But I just think I'd like it for the people who are forgotten and don't get much notice in real life to get the half-mast thing. Like a fireman or a cop or a soldier who really are anonymous most of their life.

So then by, you know, their death they get honored with something. I just find it a little too easy. I think Whitney Houston, you know, she's going to say it was a demonized life. But the last 25 years, 30 years of her life as far as the prisms of other people's lives are, it's a good opportunity. She had a pretty good run at it. So to be recognized yet again, it's not the end of the world to me. Fine, they can do what they want.

But I think we're diluting it a little. And we've gotten to the point where why don't we just keep it perpetually at half-mast if we're going to do that. Then when somebody consequential dies, we'd raise it.

O'REILLY: I think Christie did it out of respect for her family and her talent. She did bring joy to people through her voice and her records. I didn't have any beef with it.

MILLER: I was surprised, Billy, just because I know that you are big on the antidrug thing.


MILLER: And drugs ruined her.

O'REILLY: Absolutely. I went on Leno last night, and I just crushed them. I mentioned Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson. I thought "The Tonight Show" was going to have a heart attack.

MILLER: But I'm just saying, you always wonder about the influence on kids. I know you're very big on that.

O'REILLY: She had a daughter that had to watch all that.

MILLER: Now she dies and she gets a state funeral almost. And I'm wondering do you think kids are out there going...

O'REILLY: No, I think she's dead, and that's the message. But the media basically doesn't pound the message home enough. The Michael Jackson thing, the Elvis Presley thing, now Whitney Houston.

OK, Oliver Stone's son was on Monday night...


O'REILLY: ... Sean Stone. He goes to Iran. He converts to Islam but not really, because he says Allah and the Christian God are the same. I don't quite understand that, but that's what he says. And then he kind of talks Ahmadinejad and all these other gangsters. And you say?

MILLER: First off, mazel tov on the conversion.

O'REILLY: Mazel tov.

MILLER: Secondly -- secondly, Billy, I don't know who he's praying to now.

O'REILLY: Yes, it's confusing.

MILLER: When you hit your knees, kid, ask whoever you're talking to now to let your old man make another good film. Ask him to make him make another good film, because he's on a real bad streak here.

O'REILLY: Here's what's confusing. You know, he says a "Hail Mary," but he has to point toward Mecca. So it just gets confusing. It gets mixed metaphors all over the place.

MILLER: Handsome kid. He should be in movies. Got the square jaw and everything. He should be an actor in the movies.

O'REILLY: I don't quite understand the Oliver Stones, the Sean Penns and all this, cozying up to villains all over the world. I don't know him.

MILLER: Yes. Michael Corleone said keep your enemies closer. He never said we had to spoon these mooks.

O'REILLY: Yes. And it's -- I'll never understand.

All right. So the Bolder Fresher shows, we have a couple of announcements in a minute. Miller and I are doing a couple of new shows. And they're sold out in your hometown, Santa Barbara. We'll be there Saturday night.


O'REILLY: Can't wedge another person in there.

MILLER: In Chicago we're doing pretty well.

O'REILLY: Yes, I'll do all that, but it's going well. I mean, I think it's you. I think it's you, Miller.

MILLER: Well, listen, let's celebrate a little. Doing a second show in Chicago. (HANDS O'REILLY A NEW YEAR'S NOISEMAKER)

O'REILLY: All right. I'm going to keep this. Dennis Miller gave me this, and I'm keeping it.

MILLER: Blow on it.

O'REILLY: I'm not blowing anything.

MILLER: Blow on the dealio.

O'REILLY: All right. Dennis Miller, everybody. He's got to drive back. Five bucks a gallon. It's going to cost you about 80 bucks.

MILLER: But I did drive myself, because I'm trying to do "The Factor" right.

O'REILLY: Excellent.

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