This is a rush transcript from "The Five," February 9, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Time for a new segment called "Cooking with Yams." Just kidding.
ANNOUNCER: "Heroes in Government".
GUTFELD: Yes, it's time for "Heroes in Government," where we commend the wondrous effects bureaucrats have on everyday life.
Today, we praise the L.A. County board of supervisors who just agree to fine anyone a grand who throws a football or a Frisbee at the beach. The 37-page ordinance tells police how to deal with anyone who might catch, toss, throw, kick, or roll a football or Frisbee between Memorial and Labor Day.
And it's about time. According to the Gutfeld Bureau of Safety and Health -- or GBSH -- over 20 million people die from Frisbee-related causes every hour.
Worse, when you mix Frisbees with alcohol, things get even worse. Take a look at this grisly video! Just moments earlier, some young adults were playing Frisbee golf enjoying a simple wine cooler. Now, they're dead.
Anyway, something tells me that Occupy Wall Street folks who cause millions of dollars in damages at the Los Angeles City Hall were playing Frisbee, civil servants would applaud. But since the state is pretty much bankrupt, the drones got to find a way to pay for their greedy past.
So, why not penalize fun. I can't wait for the hockey sock tax.
Lastly, the ordinance also bans digging any hole deeper than 18 inches in the sand, which is about the right size for a bureaucrat to bury his head in.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Cute.
GUTFELD: It is cute, Kimberly!
GUILFOYLE: It's really cute.
GUTFELD: Speaking of cute, Kimberly. What am I missing here? You are a lawyer.
GUILFOYLE: They are looking for a revenue stream. You are absolutely right. This is so ill-conceived and ridiculous.
I mean, next thing, they're like don't bring sand to the beach, whatever you do. It's ludicrous. I mean, I can't believe, when I saw the story today, I'm like, seriously? And in L.A.? Isn't that supposed to be the place for fun second to Vegas?
GUTFELD: It's a war on California, Bob.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Listen, I'm coming down with you on this. I don't think I have been to a beach without football. What they ought to do is fine people who bring babies with diapers.
BECKEL: That's the one that gets me. You get downwind of those things, man.
GUILFOYLE: OK. You don't want them on the planes. You don't want them on the beach. Where do you want them, Bob?
BECKEL: I want them to stuck in a room someplace until they can wear underwear.
GUILFOYLE: You mean until they're potty trained.
GUILFOYLE: They can still go in their pants.
ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: You were born potty trained, right, Bob?
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Can I ask a question? They outlawed football and Frisbees, but volleyballs are OK and beach balls?
GUTFELD: Yes, there's no explanation why.
TANTAROS: I know why. The volleyball lobbyists, they have a big lobby.
BOLLING: They're ballists.
GUTFELD: They're ballists, exactly.
BECKEL: Have you ever been in (INAUDIBLE) when they had gangs and crips and bloods come out there (INAUDILBE) they're not outlawed. I mean, I don't understand this.
First of all, if you want a football, do you not see it right. You see a good looking woman on the beach, right? You say OK, you go out to where she is. I'll throw you the ball. You drop the ball, follow, roll over and say hi.
TANTAROS: That explains your dating life perfectly.
GUTFELD: I still do this actually in nightclubs and bars.
GUILFOYLE: Guys do this --
BECKEL: I used to --
TANTAROS: He does it on Hannity's set.
GUTFELD: Throws up a football.
BECKEL: That takes away one of the greatest c'mon lines there is.
GUTFELD: Hey, I want to bring up an unusual study. They look at how men and women look at online dating profiles by measuring their eye movements. They found men spend 65 percent more time looking at the photos than actually reading. Women on the other hand spend half the time reading the profiles.
GUILFOYLE: What a controversial study. Who came up with that?
GUTFELD: I know, I know.
TANTAROS: They spend money on this.
GUTFELD: I know, it's incredible.
TANTAROS: Men are more interested in how women look than what they have to say?
GUTFELD: Yes, isn't that incredible?
TANTAROS: A ground-breaking stuff.
BECKEL: I mean, is this a surprise?
BECKEL: Look, you can pick out a dog show for example, do you pick out the bow-wows or take the best in show? I mean --
GUILFOYLE: Are you comparing women to dogs, Bob?
BECKEL: No, no, no. I'm just saying if you are picking out say a dog you want to have, right? Let's say -- anything.
GUTFELD: A new car.
BECKEL: New car. Do you look at the car? I mean, if you don't like the look of the car, do you read about the car? No.
So, who in their right mind would look at a picture and say, OK, that's an ugly car. But it's probably got some assets.
TANTAROS: A lot of guys -- there have been articles, a lot of guys get burned on this, because people put pictures from when they are 10 years younger, so the guys think they're going to show up and there's going to be a hot woman there.
GUILFOYLE: Everybody photoshops.
BECKEL: Women in escort business, they put pictures of other women.
TANTAROS: Do you know this for a fact?
BECKEL: No, no, this is from (INAUDIBLE).
GUTFELD: You have done research on this?
BECKEL: No, no. I got sober before Backpage came along.
GUILFOYLE: OK. I'm not even going to touch that because --
BOLLING: What's the Backpage?
BECKEL: You don't know what Backpage is?
BOLLING: No, I don't.
BECKEL: Go to backpage.com, go to escorts and take a look.
GUILFOYLE: It's really bad. It's really bad, don't go there. Just don't go there.
GUTFELD: How did this segment end up --
GUILFOYLE: It's like the Craigslist section. Not appropriate.
GUTFELD: I don't know. See, we started with the beach. We should have --
GUILFOYLE: Go on Christianmingle.com instead.
GUTFELD: There you go.
GUILFOYLE: It's not for you, Bob. No, Bob, just kidding.
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