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Dennis Miller dishes on the Santorum surge

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," February 8, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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O'REILLY: Thanks for staying with us. I'm Bill O'Reilly.

In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, as we mentioned at the top of the program, it was a good night for Rick Santorum last night. The senator says he's raising big money since the votes went his way in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado.

Here now to analyze, the Sage of Southern California, Dennis Miller, who joins us from Santa Barbara, his hometown. Do you think Santorum really has a shot?

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I think he did more for the sweater last night since anybody -- maybe 23-year-old Lana Turner was the last time somebody did that much for the sweater.

Once you win the Colo-Minn-Mo trifecta, Bill, the Colo-Min-Mo trifecta, he has set himself up now as the conservative alternative to Romney. Romney's sort of like nouveau conservative. It's like Keanu Reeves when he does the movie in Transylvania or a Shakespeare thing. The accent is in and out. That's Romney: the accent "conservative" is in and out.

And Santorum, it's in his hard drive. So I think -- I think Gingrich is about to be surpassed by this guy as the -- you know, the...

O'REILLY: That's what Morris says, too. It's going to be interesting to see. Now, if the speaker is surpassed and starts to, you know, decline in the polling and in the contribution area, what do you think he's going to do?

MILLER: I think if you give Newt an 80K honorarium, he'll go to the moon to give a speech. So what I would do is I would set up during the fall an Obama ombudsman tour for Newt. Where he goes out, wherever the president is saying. He goes in the next day, and he does what he said, which is counteractive. It's just he's not running.

But to earn his way back into the conservative enclave, I think we ought to send him out to take a piece out of Obama and soften him up for Romney.

O'REILLY: Yes, but he's not going to -- I think he dislikes Romney so much. And we talked about this with "Body Language." I don't think he -- if he's not going to be a player, I don't think he's going to do anything in the campaign. I do think you're right, he'll make money doing speeches and maybe as a...

MILLER: He'll make more money. Billy, he's going to alienate some right-right-wing guys who are not going to pay the big honorariums here if they feel he screws the pooch on this next election.

Next to Morris, Gingrich likes money more than anybody in this race. Now, you won't see Newt -- you won't see Newt coming out with a "Dubs Goes to Czechoslovakia" or whatever.

O'REILLY: He might. He's done a lot of books. Gingrich has got a lot of books. He might come out with "Dubs Goes to Czechoslovakia," because the problem is, there isn't any Czechoslovakia any more. If Dubs went there, he'd be lost. Because it's the Czech Republic and Slovakia. If Dubs were looking for Czechoslovakia, the poor animal would be wandering around with nowhere to go.

MILLER: You know what -- you know what Morris said. "Dubs will only hump your right leg." That's the conservative.

O'REILLY: I never heard that, and thank you so much for pointing it out.

All right. Now Miller and I supposed to be in a team here, the Bolder Fresher tour and all of that. But this is what I mean about Miller. This is what I mean about all these West Coast guys. As soon as the "Hawaii 5- 0" gig shows up, "Bill who? Bill?" You've got a part in "Hawaii 5-0," correct, Miller?

MILLER: You weren't on "Spicoli [SIC] and Isles" or whatever the hell that was?

O'REILLY: Well, I mean, that was just L.A. This is Hawaii. "Where is Bill? I don't do it unless Bill is with me, because we're bolder and fresher." Where is that in "Hawaii 5-0"? I don't understand.

MILLER: You told me once you would never show up in a grass skirt. And that's my part. I'm an island transvestite. All right?

O'REILLY: Yes, sure.

MILLER: No. Listen, I play Chin Ho's manic-depressive stepson, Chin Lo. And a little later in the episode, you get to meet the titular head of the island clan which is Grandmama Ho. Grandmama Ho. So if you watch, you'll see all of us out there.

O'REILLY: OK. When are you going over to shoot this opus in Hawaii?

MILLER: I go tomorrow. It's called "Book 'em, Dano." And I'll be there one day. And then I'm back on Saturday.

O'REILLY: It's a one-day shoot. So what are you going to do? Are you going to surf? Or I mean, what are you going to do?

MILLER: Don't blink or you're going to miss my part. Because I'm...

O'REILLY: But they're paying your expenses, right? They're paying you over there? You're doing the chichi place and all that, right?

MILLER: I don't know what Hawaiian is for this upgrades my dental plan but this upgrades my dental plan.

O'REILLY: All right.

MILLER: Flying over. Don't blink before the wave and the drum roll at the beginning. You might miss me.

O'REILLY: You tell -- you tell those guys right here for "Hawaii 5-0" later.

All right. Now you lost another bet to me. So now I've got two dinners and I'm just scouring the nation for the most expensive restaurants I can find.

You know, why do you bet against me, Miller? You know I always win. Morris has had to declare bankruptcy he lost so many bets to me.

MILLER: Billy...

O'REILLY: What?

MILLER: I was doing some figuring over the weekend. I owe you so much food. I just went out and got you a bag of groceries. I got you some Skippy, some sour dough, pretzels, some oyster crackers and two invisible cukes. The green screen has rendered my cukes invisible.

But listen, I -- Mr. Craft is the greatest guy. I was sad for him. How can you not like Eli and Coughlin. They're swell guys.

O'REILLY: It was a great team.

MILLER: My team didn't win. My team didn't win, but I can't begrudge the Giants. I love Coughlin. I love Eli. It's just Mr. Craft has a special place in my heart.

O'REILLY: You did a little show for him the night before the game, right?

MILLER: Yes. I ran into Limbaugh. Saw "El Bino" (ph) Michael. I had a fun time back there at the Super Bowl.

O'REILLY: So you're in the Super Bowl. You're in Hawaii. Where am I? I'm -- I'm not getting the benefit of the Bolder Fresher tour here. I would like...

MILLER: February 25. February 25 you and I singing...

(SINGING) Sisters, sisters.

O'REILLY: That's just so long in Santa Barbara.

MILLER (SPEAKING): ... at the Arlington Theater in Santa Barbara.

O'REILLY: All right. We have a BillOReilly.com poll question. Was Madonna boring at the halftime show? Was she boring or not?

MILLER: Me?

O'REILLY: Madonna?

MILLER: I thought I was off the air already.

O'REILLY: You're not listening to my questions tonight, Miller.

MILLER: No, no.

O'REILLY: You're not listening to me.

MILLER: Billy, I -- I hang on every word. I split during Madonna's thing. Listen, when Madonna first did the Super Bowl, Otto Graham was at the helm. So I did not watch. I went out and walked around outside.

O'REILLY: You didn't watch Ms. Madonna?

MILLER: No.

O'REILLY: So you can't vote.

MILLER: Not interested.

O'REILLY: No? Have you ever been captivated by the lady from Detroit, ever?

MILLER: No, no. And she -- I hear she changed the song to "Like a Tebow" for purposes of the day. So you know, it's...

O'REILLY: All right. The BillOReilly.com poll question was Madonna boring at the Super Bowl?

And Miller would like you to know that tickets are 80 percent sold out for our June 23 show in Chicago. So if you want to see us, please go to BillOReilly.com where we have a link to the box office.

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