This is a rush transcript from "The Five," January 2, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: So, according to the New York Times, a paper, our inability to keep resolutions has created a $62 billion industry made up of health clubs, weight loss classes. Or if you're me, Internet filter software that keeps lonely man from visiting certain Web sites.
The Times points out that our lousy willpower means gyms and weight watchers will never go out of business because we are all losers at losing. But where you might see failure in this, I see something uniquely human. Resolutions are based on the fact that humans loathe humanity. We hate our faults, so each year, we try to slay them.
Why is that? I mean, we are the only animals on the planet who try to quit things. You don't see bald eagles, badgers or lemurs making resolutions.
On January 2nd, you don't see the raccoon avoiding your trash can in favor of low-fat yogurt. Penguins don't think, you know what, I'm not going to poop on people's heads. I'll aim for the retractable awning.
And rats don't decide I'm going to be a better rat. See Bill Maher.
So, if your resolutions fail, don't worry, you are human and you succeeded at doing the only thing that's asked of you, which is to try. And even better, by failing, you make all of us feel better about ourselves.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: That's cute.
GUTFELD: Thank you.
GUILFOYLE: Especially the rat. So precious.
GUTFELD: Kimberly, you don't have resolutions because you don't have any problems. So, I'm not going to do to you.
GUILFOYLE: I have plenty.
GUTFELD: You resolution is to be less awesome.
GUILFOYLE: Yes, right.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: By the way, let me interrupt and say, you two did the New Year's Eve special. You guys were great.
GUTFELD: Thank you.
GUILFOYLE: Thank you.
BECKEL: You did "The Five" proud.
GUILFOYLE: Thanks for watching.
GUTFELD: And we were sober.
GUILFOYLE: Yes, we were, which is not unusual for me but --
BECKEL: But you were great.
GUTFELD: I can't afford the be drunk.
BECKEL: You look at (INAUDIBLE), you think Megyn Kelly hug you, though.
GUTFELD: Oh, please. I was just shy. I was a shy person.
GUILFOYLE: You ended up in a steakhouse.
GUTFELD: I want to talk about the New York Times piece. Dana, I'm going to you, because you're the only one that's taking it seriously.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: You pitch it. You take it more seriously.
GUTFELD: Yes. So, the whole article is done by this writer Natasha Singer, and it's all about how people on their resolutions. Then there's paragraph where she goes, "Last month, I read five self-help books. I went to the gym six times. I took yoga, pilates, mediation and Zumba classes, whatever that is."
GUTFELD: Zumba. I hate it even more that I mispronounced it.
Anyway, and then she said she de-cluttered her apartment, downgrade cappuccino to espresso. So was this whole article based on this writer wanting to tell everyone what a great person she was?
PERINO: Well, maybe she resolved -- no, I actually think that she is being self-deprecating there and she's admitting that she has things she needed to improve upon. And so, it's like confession that she went and she did all of this. I didn't take it as the research for her article.
GUTFELD: You're just blowing my whole theory to hell. I was trying to make fun of the New York Times.
PERINO: I know.
GUTFELD: Hey, Eric, health clubs love resolutioners because they buy the memberships and they disappear and never use machines.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: More important, what's a lemur?
GUTFELD: A lemur?
PERINO: It's like a little animal.
GUILFOYLE: It's really cute with little eyes.
PERINO: With like a long tail.
BECKEL: Good boy.
BOLLING: What was the question?
GUTFELD: I don't remember.
BOLLING: My resolution is --
BOLLING: To listen to more Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin and just --
GUTFELD: You're branching out to new opinions.
GUILFOYLE: He wants to be more like himself again. It's not a resolution.
BECKEL: From Marx to Engels.
GUILFOYLE: Bob, you broke yours.
GUTFELD: Bob, I want to talk to you about this because we've had discussions. Isn't exercise -- any kind of resolution that involves exercise essentially meaningless?
BECKEL: It's also very dangerous.
BECKEL: I want to point out that God gave us only a certain number of breaths in our life. Why waste them on spinning and those balls that they roll around on? I don't -- I go past the gym and I find it humorous. You know, I played football as you know for a lot of years.
The last exercise I did, when I walked off the football field, for the last time, I said I am never ever going to run anywhere, going to lift any weights. Only thing I do is swim. And generally that's --
GUILFOYLE: There's some other things. Cardio.
BECKEL: Dana gets up every day and she does it. How many people are like her?
GUTFELD: I exercise as well, but I exercise moderately. I used to be crazy when I was working in the magazine. I used to do terrible things.
PERINO: You used to write articles about how the define your --
GUTFELD: I know. I helped invent that horrible trend.
GUILFOYLE: Picture of your stomach, remember, of your abs, all those picture of yourself?
GUTFELD: Kimberly, that was your little secret.
BOLLING: Can I give the viewer a little secret? Inside baseball, what we do in the morning, we do a call and also, we start talking about a topic too long, Greg freaks out.
GUILFOYLE: Freaks out.
BOLLING: All right, I got to go. I got to get to the gym. But --
GUTFELD: That's true. Or I will just go and get out the little yoga mat.
PERINO: Will you be glad when the New Year resolution gym people are over their fad? Because like by the end, today, there were too many people.
GUILFOYLE: Yes. It's like occupy the treadmill.
BECKEL: Every time we're talking about politics or I start talking, he's like, I got to go to the gym.
GUTFELD: Well, no, it's important. But here's the thing, I want everybody to realize that when you work out for 30 minutes, it's canceled by one slice of pizza. So, why it? Just don't eat the pizza.
PERINO: Are we going to talk about the resolution Bob already broke?
GUTFELD: What did you break?
BECKEL: Talk about that --
GUTFELD: Come on.
BECKEL: I won't do it again.
And by the way --
PERINO: Oh, you said you were going to talk about the Kardashian.
BECKEL: You people, when you get in a car wreck in a snowy area, I'm going to live for five days. You are not.
GUILFOYLE: That is such a good point.
PERINO: I would rather die sooner if I'm stranded.
GUTFELD: What about if you're with the bunch of skinny fit people? They would eat you, Bob?
BECKEL: No, it would be in the Donner Pass.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my gosh.
PERINO: I think you broke your solution, too.
GUTFELD: What did I do?
PERINO: Because from Scotland, I watched the show and you said to stop talking about Bill Maher. But then you just brought them up in your monologue.
GUILFOYLE: You broke them, too.
BECKEL: He talked about it --
GUTFELD: All right. I got to move on. I'm getting yelled at.
Coming up, what happens in California if you are caught eating and driving? I don't know. I haven't read the story yet.
But I will during the break or maybe Kimberly will tell me about it --
GUILFOYLE: I will.
GUTFELD: -- slowly. If you leave now, I'll confiscate all your nature magazines.
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