The Five' Rips Into 2011's 'Most Fascinating

Gutfeld shreds Barbara Walters' list


This is a rush transcript from "The Five," December 15, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Oh, the memories. If I only had them.

So, because I blew off today's ideas meeting due to a run-in with a bottle of wine, I was given the task of talking about the Barbara Walters 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011.

I didn't watch the show, because I'm normal. But as punishment, I must now exract meaning by something cobbled together by medicated monkeys trained to read US Weekly.

The list included the Kardashians, who are fascinating -- the same way a rare bacteria is fascinating. They are both interesting to poke and prod, but you don't want to get that stuff on your hands.

And there's Pippa Middleton, a bridesmaid more fascinating than the bride because she had a nice tush. I blame the stair climber.

But the top choice -- Steve Jobs -- which is where I get meaningful. See, when it comes to books, movies or inspirational tales, the acclaim always goes to those who succeed through hard work, creativity, gumption, overcoming obstacles instead of demanding from others to do it for them. That's because everyone loves builders, not barnacles -- which is funny, given that so many people who write these book or movies feel differently in their daily lives.

Look at President Obama. I think a younger Jobs might find it sad that our government sides with grad students whining about college loans instead of innovators starting companies in their garages.

My sad prediction? In six months, you'll be seeing movies about the whiners, not the winners.

BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: That was very funny.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Provocative.

GUTFELD: Bob is going, "I kind of like this. Now it sucks."

BECKEL: I'm a builder.

GUTFELD: Yes. Hey, I know none of us watch this because we're all doing really important things.

PERINO: No one I know watched this -- the most fascinating people.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Why would I watch that when I could watch Rush on Greta?

PERINO: Absolutely.

GUTFELD: I want to play part of it --

BECKEL: Who is -- just tell me who is this Pippa woman is?

GUTFELD: Pippa Middleton is a --

PERINO: Duchess of York's sister, the one who married --

BECKEL: Who is the Duchess of York? Is that --

PERINO: Catherine Middleton. Princess Kate.

BECKEL: Oh, the girl who married -- OK.

PERINO: She married William.

GUTFELD: I don't trust anybody that was named after a parakeet. What is a Pippa?

BECKEL: Can we dump on the Kardashians?

GUTFELD: Yes! Alright. I want to play a SOT of what -- Barbara Walters talking to Kardashians about why they are famous.


BARBARA WALTERS: You are all often described as famous for being famous. You don't really act. You don't sing. You don't dance. You don't have any -- forgive me -- any talent.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN: But we are still entertaining people.

KIM KARDASHIAN: I think it's more of a challenge for you to go on a reality show and get people to fall in love with you for being you. So there is definitely a lot more pressure I think to be famous for being ourselves, than to play a character.

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN: But I don't think we disagree.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN: Like none of us think we have talent. Like none of us think we could sing or act or dance.


GUTFELD: I totally agree with the hot one --

PERINO: You've got to give kudos to her PR people who came up with that line that it is harder to be on reality TV than just about anything, to get people to fall in love with you.

BECKEL: You could put all the I.Q.s on that set together and they wouldn't make it to be a Rhode scholar.

ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: Wait a minute. But who says people are in love with her. She also said in the interview, we're very entertaining people. What I find --

BECKEL: What's entertaining about them?

TANTAROS: The only person in the Kardashian household that actually has done anything is Bruce Jenner, who won a decathlon, and the guy is nowhere to be found.


TANTAROS: Why wouldn't he be on there --


PERINO: When I was in Vegas I saw a billboard that said, you know, 2011, New Year's Eve with Kim Kardashian. It was like this big thing. I'm like, what happens there? Does she just show up and say, I'm here?

BECKEL: I mean, I can understand she contributes something to society, like she was a stripper. But I mean --

PERINO: Well, actually --

GUTFELD: You really are a progressive feminist, Bob.

BECKEL: No, seriously, would someone explain these idiots to me? I want to hear it.

GUTFELD: I want to explain it to you. I think that they are heroes in the sense they are scaring the hell out of celebrities. For Barbara Walters to say you don't have talent -- Barbara Walters saying that is a bit hypocritical, don't you think?

BECKEL: -- don't want to say anything to get in trouble.

BOLLING: The other thing that Rush said right after --

BECKEL: Stop with Rush!

TANTAROS: You know what they're scaring -- they're scaring the hell out of mothers who are raising daughters that are watching the show, which I've only watched a handful of times by accident. But I'm a grown woman and I can make my own decisions.

But Pippa Middleton, too, really, Barbara? Really, Barbara Wawa?

PERINO: Barbara Walters, who as gotten to interview people from --


TANTAROS: I mean, her butt is fascinating. Her butt is fascinating. So is Kim Kardashian. But she's on there because of her derriere.

PERINO: But can you imagine that Barbara Walters, who has had such an amazing career, she's sitting down in this year, in 2011, she's like, seriously, this is our list of the most fascinating people?

GUTFELD: What is fascinating? Fascinating is a stupid word. It's like -- you know, "Oh, I find that fascinating." No, you find a planet fascinating you weirdo.

BECKEL: I don't always way -- listen, I tried to get a truce with Donald Trump. So, I'm not going to dump on him because I know he's your buddy and he called you finally. He still hasn't called me. But don't worry about it, Donald. I'm not sitting on the edge of my seat waiting.

But why? Why, why, why?

BOLLING: He's not fascinating? He's not interesting?

BECKEL: His golf courses are fascinating.

GUTFELD: I got to run. I got to run to the tease, people.

BECKEL: Are we done already?


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