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Dennis Miller Jumps Off the Cain Train

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," November 16, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: You may remember a few weeks ago our pal Dennis endorsed Herman Cain for president. Well now the sage of Southern California having second thoughts and joins us from Los Angeles. What's with the glasses, first of all, Miller?

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, I had somebody call my radio show today and say that in an attempt to emulate Brit Hume I should try to look more tweedy. But now that I look at it, I feel like some moron teaching sustainable diversity clap trap at a Midwestern juco, so I'll get rid of them.

O'REILLY: Miller, you don't need that. Everybody respects your intellect the way you are.

MILLER: What about my endorsements? Listen, you know why I'm off the Cain train, Billy.

O'REILLY: Why?

MILLER: He can't win. Listen, he's still a great guy, and this is a fluid situation for me. If he gives us the best chance to win tomorrow, I'm back on. But today, he can't win. And it doesn't have anything to do with the chicks. That doesn't interest me. It's just that after that 11-second pause, he's too easy for them to whack.

O'REILLY: The Libya -- you're talking about the Libya thing?

MILLER: Yes. All they have to do is dust off the Palin playbook, and they can hit him with that.

O'REILLY: I know, I know. I mean, his numbers are down. The Fox News poll just out today got him at 15 percent. And the people who have defected from Herman Cain have gone to Newt Gingrich. And I suspect, Miller, that you are one of those.

MILLER: Well, listen, I don't know where I'm quite going yet. I might stop at Newtville. I might go to Planet Ron Paul. I have a feeling, like everybody else, I might end up at Romney Acres eventually. But those are the three right now, I think, because of this. Romney makes it hard for them to hit. Newt hits back. And Ron Paul doesn't even know he's been hit.

O'REILLY: Yes, I don't know -- I don't see you in the Ron Paul camp because of the foreign affairs thing. I mean, he...

MILLER: I go -- I go anywhere that's going to beat Barack Obama.

O'REILLY: You know, look, he wants to do the Lambada with Iran. You know? The dance of love, and...

MILLER: That's true.

O'REILLY: It's a little scary there. You know what I'm talking about?

MILLER: You're right, Billy. I just flew five hours from L.A. to New York next to an Islamic kid who was in his 30s. I couldn't even watch the movie. I just fantasized about hitting him in the head with an elbow if he went up to take a whiz.

O'REILLY: You're doing the Juan Williams thing. You don't have a contract with NPR, do you? You're going to get fired.

MILLER: Did you see the books -- did you see the books he sold? Did you see the books he sold? Come on.

O'REILLY: All right. So you -- right now you're endorsing Gingrich or nobody?

MILLER: I like the way Gingrich threw Pelley out the other night. Let me tell you this. Do you realize now we have Scott Pelley bracing Newt Gingrich on a decision that Barack Obama made. Barack Obama offed that guy by drone. Newt Gingrich didn't. But I guarantee you if Pelley ever has Barack Obama right in front of him, he'll ask him the initial question probably. But as soon as he starts making his answer, you're not going to hear Pelley come in with this "Not by a court of law, sir. Not by a court of law." The guy who actually killed al-Awlaki would not face the grilling from Pelley that a GOP candidate faces. Is that crazy or what?

O'REILLY: Well, it's interesting, that's for sure. Now, the "Occupiers," at the beginning of the program we said they're done. Even Mayor Bloomberg now doesn't want them around anymore. Once it gets to that level -- and Quan, that mayor of Oakland, Quan, she -- she's thrown them under the bus, too. So I think they're through. Do you think they're through?

MILLER: Well, listen, they had to go from Biscotti Park -- sorry that's "Occupy Rome." They had to go from Zuccotti Park. And I hate to rain on these kids' charade, but even a suck-up little Gollum like Bloomberg is eventually going to...

O'REILLY: A what?

MILLER: …he's going to side with the people he has to tax. These people weren't getting taxed. For God's sakes, even a Medieval doctor at some point when he's bleeding somebody knows he has to burn the leech off. That's all that happened here. It was time to burn the leech off because the taxpayers were sick of the conga line out there.

O'REILLY: What did you call Bloomberg, a Gollum?

MILLER: A sucky little Gollum.

O'REILLY: That's not nice.

MILLER: Come on, Billy. Bloomberg is getting tired to me. If I live in New York and I'm paying that sort of rent, and two months in he's telling me he doesn't want to rock the boat, it gets a little tired. We get it. You're a beautiful guy. All you did was you cluttered the screen and put a stock crown and became a billionaire. Fine. Don't try to teach me you're Pliny the Elder, for God's sake. And I get the feeling that if Rudy Giuliani was still mayor, this thing would have been broken up before the first tent was popped, OK?

O'REILLY: Now what do -- what would Pliny the Elder, of course, a Roman scribe.

MILLER: Well, he always acts like he has historical perspective, Bloomberg, on the nation and how it's been built on, you know, discord and people have the right to protest.

O'REILLY: Yes, they all do that kind of stuff. But I just want to point out to the audience that I do not believe that Pliny the Elder has ever been mentioned on a cable news program in the history. I'm glad you could bring him back.

MILLER: Didn't Valerie -- no. Valerie Harper used to play Pliny, didn't she?

O'REILLY: No, that was "Rhoda."

MILLER: I'm sorry. Got all screwed up.

O'REILLY: It was close. Very close.

All right, in Toronto a couple of gay penguins, I believe. I think they're in Canada legally, but I'm not sure because they are from the Arctic or Antarctica. Antarctica. Now the gay penguins -- or they're trying to make them straight or what are they trying to make them? What are they doing with those penguins?

MILLER: I don't know. But first off, you could see in that opening shot they're just like the kids in Zuccotti, they crap on the outside right on the rock. I don't know. One -- the one gay penguin's name is Pedro. Here's my problem. Has anybody seen papers on Pedro? Is he even here legally, for God's sake?

O'REILLY: That was my question.

MILLER: Listen, Billy. How do you even know when a penguin is gay? Is their corner of the penguin habitat inordinately tasteful? Is it well done?

O'REILLY: I don't know. I can't say anymore. But they're trying to -- I think they're trying to make the gay penguins mate with -- I don't know. It's too confusing.

MILLER: Stop right there. All I know is who's in a better position to participate in a gay marriage than two creatures who are perpetually dressed formal?

O'REILLY: If we're back here tomorrow, I'll be stunned. Dennis Miller, everybody.

We'd like to remind you that the "Bolder Fresher" show in Richmond, you can't miss it, Friday, November 25; going to be one of the great ones; as will our performance the next night, the 26th of November at the Borgata Hotel in Atlantic City. By the way, you can bring sensitive souls and teenagers to the show. No bad language or anything. Details on BillOReilly.com.

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