Dennis Miller Handicaps GOP Presidential Debate

Funnyman handicaps GOP presidential debate and sounds off on political whining


This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," August 10, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, let's get right to the sage of Southern California. He joins us now from Los Angeles. You know, I'm thinking we should get Cynthia McKinney to come on the road with us for the "Bolder Fresher" shows.

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I didn't know we had any dates planned in terrorist countries.

O'REILLY: We could -- that would expand. You know, we could go over to Pakistan.

MILLER: We could call it -- we could call it the "Bolder Deader" tour.

O'REILLY: Yes, I know. They'd love to see us. All right. So are you going to watch this debate, Miller, tomorrow night? Are you going to sit there and really actually watch it?

MILLER: Well, I forgot to not TiVo it, as I say, Bill. So I'll probably watch it. Want to break the candidates down? Shoot.

O'REILLY: Herman Cain?

MILLER: If I was Herm -- he's a nice guy; he's a great radio guest -- I'd probably admit that this isn't going to happen and it might be a better time in history to sell pizza than it is to be the president, because there you might actually see some dough rise over the next few years.

O'REILLY: Now, was I wrong for saying that -- that Mr. Cain and Congressman Paul have no shot at it? Was I wrong to do that?

MILLER: Well, I don't know. Let me say this about Ron Paul George Ringo. I'll do it if everybody else will do it. It's almost like a dare at this point.

O'REILLY: It's not going to happen, you know? I mean, people get mad at me. I know they have supporters, and I don't mind them running, and I like the spirit that they bring in some regard. But they're not going to get the nomination. And I think it's -- no spin zone. I've got to say it. And Santorum, too. Rick Santorum, he's not going to get the nomination.

MILLER: Do you see who's president?


MILLER: When you say Ron Paul doesn't have a chance, excuse me, do you see who the president is?

O'REILLY: It doesn't matter because he had the media behind him and big, big George Soros dollars behind him. Paul doesn't have any of that.

MILLER: I'd take anybody over him tomorrow, and I think a lot of the people are getting to that point, too. If I was the Republican candidate, I might just legally change my name to "Not Obama," because that's the key here. Now Ron Paul George Ringo is a little isolationist for me. But I'll tell you what: He makes sense on a lot of things. And this whole thing is, "Can he be president?" For God's sakes, look who we elected last time through.

O'REILLY: All right. Because the fact of the matter is...

MILLER: Yes, it would appear anybody could be president.

O'REILLY: ...that Rick Santorum, Ron Paul and Herman Cain are not going to get the nomination.

MILLER: Well, OK. At this point, Rick Santorum, I'll concur with you. He sounds like Charlie Brown's parents in the background. As a matter of fact, they sound more specific. I don't even know what he's talking about anymore.

O'REILLY: All right.

MILLER: Let's get to the real ones.

O'REILLY: Tim Pawlenty, last stand? Again, it's another guy I just don't think has a chance.

MILLER: Well, look right there. Nice guy, but he's not standing out. If I was him I'd take a stand tomorrow. I'd come out. They ask me my first question. I'd step out from behind the podium, drop trou and moon all the rest of them.

O'REILLY: That'd be good, Miller. That would be really good, yes.

MILLER: They would remember him the next day.

O'REILLY: Yes, no, no. That -- I'm sure the governor is watching tonight. You know, that's a good idea from Miller. Drop trou, yes.

MILLER: Moon them. That will make them remember you.

O'REILLY: OK, very good. All right. So Pawlenty has got to do something dramatic, but I don't think it has to do with trousers, OK? It has nothing to do with his attire. He's got to come out tomorrow and get people's attention. I think he'll do that by bashing Obama. In fact, it's going to be the biggest Obama bash-fest in the history of Obama bash-fests.

MILLER: Good. It should be, Billy. It should be.

O'REILLY: All right. I'm not arguing with it. The president is not doing a great job.

MILLER: The Dow Jones is like Karl Wallenda with an inner-ear infection, for God's sakes. We've got to do something.

O'REILLY: All right. Now Michele Bachmann, now there is a person who helped herself dramatically by the first debate and cover of Newsweek, and what do you think?

MILLER: Yes, Tina Brown helped her a lot this week because Tina Brown is a mean girl. And you know what? The liberals can't wade in. The liberal men can't wade in on Bachmann because they eviscerated Palin already with the mashed up bag of meat stuff. So it's going to have to be the mean girl liberals. And I think they helped her out putting that cover up.

O'REILLY: So do I.

MILLER: And you know something? Michele Bachmann should not trust the mean girls on the left as her friends because of womanhood. At this point, she'd be better off building a time machine, going back into the '60s, falling in love and touring with Ike Turner than she would trusting those women.

O'REILLY: Right. They're not going to help her out. Absolutely. Now Mitt Romney, according to a new Fox News poll, maintains his lead in all American voters and in likely Republican primary voters. So what does Romney have to do tomorrow night to grow that lead?

MILLER: Tell Pawlenty to pull his damn pants up. No, I think that what Romney has to do is -- do you remember when you were a kid, Bill, and you'd get a new baseball glove and they called it a mitt? And new mitts were always a little stiff.

O'REILLY: Right.

MILLER: And you'd put a ball in, Vaseline it, put it under the couch for the evening. That's what they've got to do with Mitt. He's a little uptight. They say that the generic candidate will beat Barack Obama, but they didn't mean this generic, OK? He's got to loosen it up a little. Let that hair fall down in the front like that. Look a little -- shake it up a little.

O'REILLY: OK. Now, Morris thinks that Rick Perry is going to, you know, shake it up, just as you said. And that he'll be a factor, even though he's not in the debate. He'll be, like, hovering invisibly over it. Do you see that?

MILLER: Well, listen, Perry can appease two people. One thing, if he comes out carrying an iron on his side in a holster and a cross in the other one. And it appears when he comes out last week and starts speaking to his God that he's laying it out there, man, that he's going to go that route. And I also know he was jogging one morning and cold-cocked a coyote with a gat. And those two things together might be intoxicating in the weird times we live.

O'REILLY: Yes. I think that Morris is correct when he's saying that Mitt Romney has to go to the right tomorrow, and again it will be an Obama bash-fest. That is for sure. Nine p.m.

MILLER: It should be. It should be.

O'REILLY: We're going to hold the whining thing. I know Miller is very upset about political whining. We'll hold that because we ran out of time here with all the conversation about clothing. Miller, as always, thank you very much.

The D-man would like to remind you that he will be with me in the first "Bolder Fresher" show Saturday, August 20, Westbury Theater on Long Island. Also, we'll be in Connecticut; Richmond, Virginia; Atlantic City, New Jersey, in the fall. You can check it all out on or

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