Dennis Miller on Japan's Nuclear Crisis

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," March 16, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: Like everybody else, the sage of Southern California is closely following the Japanese nuclear situation, and he joins us now from Los Angeles. So, Miller, how do you see it? You're in the quake zone out there, and you've got two nuke plants in California. What's going to happen?

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, first off, I have no doubt, if this cloud is coming towards the West Coast, that the great state of California and their state legislature will jump into the fray and immediately pass a supplemental sin tax on iodine tablets because that's the way we work it out here.

I think that this has given me some -- listen, I always take the first week when something like this happens and you just get sucker-punched and feel for the people getting washed out of homes and think, my God, that's science fiction. And then the next week you start thinking, and I'll tell you what, if I'm going to accuse Gore and them of being completely intractable on stuff and saying that bugs me, I'm going to have to say that we really have to think not about nuclear energy -- that's still viable in my eyes -- but obviously, I wouldn't put it anywhere near a fault line. Somebody would have to prove to me why that's a good thing."

O'REILLY: So you now are saying that the United States going forward has to be a lot more cautious about building nuclear plants, as simple as that?

MILLER: Yes. I think that's a pretty basic thing. I'd send waiters out with martini glasses filled up with drinks straight over the top so there's that surface tension, and I'd find a place where that didn't spill to put a nuclear reactor in. I think I'd come up with a fix for everybody, Billy. I say we put the nuclear reactors in at ANWR. Everybody's happy. If anything goes awry, the caribou are there.

O'REILLY: They get it in the head. But you've got to bury that nuclear waste. And that is always a problem for everybody. But I think, look, at this point, Americans should just relax, all right? And, you know, nothing is fool-proof, that's for sure. We don't have any other alternatives.

MILLER: The smartest guy I've ever met is -- the smartest guy I've ever met is Bill O'Reilly. The smartest guy I've ever met is Michael Crichton, and he always preached that you don't fear-monger in instances like this. I've watched a couple of Crichton's speeches on YouTube. It makes a lot of sense. You take a breath. One thing I do think we can come together right now is all of us and give a big apology to the redheaded stepchild of energy: coal, because coal is looking better to me.

O'REILLY: Coal. But we have now clean coal. So that's what we're going for now.

MILLER: I'm saying coal. Listen, the coal plant goes up in smoke, it gets a little dusty.

O'REILLY: All right.

MILLER: This thing goes up in smoke, the whole country is dusty.

O'REILLY: As we reported earlier this week, Dayton, Ohio, police exam there, minorities weren't doing well on it. So Attorney General Holder has now dropped the passing grade to 63 in one and 58 in the other so that more minorities can become police officers. And you say?

MILLER: I'd say we've reached some continental divide in racial relations, where the -- supposedly, the proffered equity is now officially the insult. I'm sorry. I remember that guy with the Chamber of Commerce who said, "This feels racial to me." I remember thinking, "He's right." I'm not sure if it's racist, but if that's the fix, to lower the score so you can have more black cops, if I'm the black cops or the black people in that community, I'm saying, "Hey, hey, the cure is worse than what ails us now. What are you telling us? You're going to drop the score for us?" That just seems unwieldy to me, Bill.

O'REILLY: It does because police officers have to have good decision-making. And what the solution to this is, Miller, is that keep the test and then have classes that everybody can attend to study for the test. And if there is a problem inherent in the test, then we'll get it out. But this is crazy. 58? Come on.

MILLER: When I used to have the show that would involve writers on HBO, I always told them I don't any names and anything taken off that thing. I want a number at the top of it. And then at the beginning of each season, "I'd say I like these three writers: 1, 14 and 8." It could have came in and been any three people at that point. It didn't matter to me. I picked them by numbers.

This is getting a little weird. When Holder comes in and says, "I want to lower the scores to get black cops," at that point I'm thinking that's cutting off your nose to spite your face there. That seems silly to me. It seems that liberals see every single thing in the world through black and white except, of course, the ultimate battle between good and evil. Then they get all gray shaded on it. But everything else is shot through black and white. And that's coming back to be a bit of an embarrassment in this instance. And if I'm black in Dayton, I'm saying, "Hey, listen, don't do me any favors. I'll study harder."

O'REILLY: All right. Now, this is a tragic story. There is a model in Israel named Orit Fox, and she has an act with a snake. And the snake bit Ms. Fox in the chest and then died, Miller. Died from silicone poisoning. And, you know, everybody is in mourning, and I wanted to get your feeling about it, pardon the pun.

MILLER: I'll tell you what, working at Fox looks a lot more fun in Spain. The -- once again, I feel bad for the snake, because if the snake had bit the breast in California, he could have no doubt filed suit under any implant toxicity statutes. We're all over the books on here, Billy. But listen, let me take this thing and flip it around for a second and say this. Speaking of getting off the tit, can we talk entitlement reform? Let's talk...

O'REILLY: So you want to -- you want to bring it to a broader question. And what I want to do is maybe get a fund for the snake's family. The little snakes, you know. I mean, dad goes to work.

MILLER: Well, I think -- I think the snake was referred to as the titular head of the family.

O'REILLY: Dennis Miller, everybody. Not even -- not even going to try, Miller. Not going near it. Not going to try.

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