Dennis Miller on Airport Screening: Body Scan or Pat-Down?

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," November 17, 2010. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: The D-man has been watching the airport security situation very closely because it a fountain of material for him. I spoke with Miller last night.


O'REILLY: So, Miller, I understand there was a big commotion. You tried to go through the body scan thing four times. You're one of the few people who wants to go through.

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, Billy, I don't know why this guy is whining about "don't touch my junk," because here's the way I look at it. If it comes down to somebody fluffing up the bald eagle to keep this country strong, then color me patriotic, damn it. But you better bring in the Imax scanner, because my TSA nickname is Monty Python.

O'REILLY: All right. So you need an extra -- a little more space then? So are you going to opt for, Miller, the scanner or the pat-down? Are you going to, like, alternate depending on your mood?

MILLER: I'm not going to make any decision until I see Napolitano scanned, because I've got a bar bet hanging on that. But once I see that, I will probably opt for the scanner...


MILLER: ...unless the guy, you know, unless the guy doing the pat-down has got an oven mitt on.

O'REILLY: All right. So are you among those who believe we should shut up because all of this is to our benefit to protect us? Or when you mention Napolitano, you're mentioning Janet Napolitano, but our guy, Judge Napolitano, is screaming about the Constitution and this is this and this is that. Which camp are you in?

MILLER: There's got to be some security, but in this country we seem to lurch back and forth between, like, those guys were making reservations on 9/10 under their own name, and they were terrorists, and we didn't even look into it. To now we've got to go in, and I've got to get a proctoscope to get on the damn plane. I wish they'd use some common sense. I do see an opportunity for Obamacare here. Maybe we should piggyback mammograms onto the security checkpoints at the airport.

O'REILLY: OK, so have them both done at the same time. You get the mammogram done...

MILLER: I'm just saying everybody wins.

O'REILLY: Right.

MILLER: And you know, I've got an idea for "Factor" gear, too, by the way. You haven't had a new item in a while. I'm thinking of the lead-lined crotch cozy. If I get cut in for half, you can run with that idea.

O'REILLY: But now the Muslim group CAIR says, "Look, don't you dare pat down any -- any Muslim woman wearing a head veil or they're not going to go through the machine." So I guess -- I don't know how they're going to get over to Riyadh.

MILLER: That's what the TSA lives for: to cop a feel off Ray Nitschke in a burka. That's what they live for. Listen, I don't even care about CAIR anymore. They whine about everything. If we did this the right way, we wouldn't have nuns getting patted down and kids getting patted down, because we're on the premise of patting down every tenth person, no matter who it is. We're not at war with every tenth person. We're at war with radical Islam. So if somebody sends up a couple flags on radical Islam, I would pat that cat down. I think we'd all be happier.

O'REILLY: OK. Now, Charles Rangel, congressman from New York, convicted in the House Ethics Committee of violations and what say you?

MILLER: Well, whenever I see Charlie nowadays, he reminds me of Cesar Romero's head as the Joker grafted onto Burgess Meredith's body as the Penguin. And I'm sorry to see him go, but Charlie, you're 80. It's eventually time to get off the teeth. They've got to use the Jaws of Life to get these guys out. It's Charlie's time now. He's going to look over to the Dems for help. He's going to see Road Runner clouds heading off into the distance. It's like that guy in prison in "The Godfather," where Tom Hagen gets sent in by Michael and he says, "Listen, do the honorable thing here. Get into the bathtub and open a vain." That's what they're asking Charlie to do now. Charlie, you had a nice run. But it's 80. It's time to go rest a little. You had a nice run, but the graft is over.

O'REILLY: OK, but -- and the gentleman you're referring to is Frankie Pentangeli. Thank you.

MILLER: Nobody knows "The Godfather" like you, Officer O'Reilly.

O'REILLY: No, because it's business not personal. But Rangel ain't going to leave. He's not going to leave, and they're not going to throw him out. They'll just slap his hand and tell him not to take a lot of graft and corruption anymore and if you do, be smarter about it.

MILLER: Well, McArthur said -- McArthur said old soldiers never die. They just fade away. Old pols never die. They just wait away. I'm sure Charlie's going to make it ugly as he goes out the door.

O'REILLY: He's not going. All right. You had a big HBO special Friday. I guess this is the antidote to Bill Maher. Antidote to Bill Maher. Miller's special is called "The Big Speech."


MILLER: Guantanamo Bay works. I've been down there to perform for the troops. It works like a Swiss watch. Now, to go down there, first off, you have to fly around the island and come in the backside. Castro won't let you fly over the island proper, because God forbid we see some of their jet age secrets.

Well, I want to thank the president, President Obama, for making fancy speechifying en vogue again. But I've seen enough of his speech. I know he's a good speaker. He should go sell ShamWows now. It's time for me to give my speech, and I will do so Friday night on HBO.


O'REILLY: Well, I'm glad to see you on HBO, because you know, Maher is the only real commentator on there. Now they've got you on there. A little fair and balanced. That's what we're always looking for. So we'll check that out.

MILLER: I'm much appreciative to HBO.

O'REILLY: "The Big Speech," HBO Friday night, Dennis Miller. OK, Miller, thanks.


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