This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," May 26, 2010. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: For some reason, President Obama is being heckled about "don't ask, don't tell," which may be revoked. The president wants gays to be allowed to serve openly in the military, but protesters are still on Mr. Obama's case.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: And we are...
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Move faster on "don't ask, don't tell."
OBAMA: I saw this guy down in L.A. Maybe he didn't read the newspapers because we are working with Congress as we speak to roll back "don't ask, don't tell."
(END VIDEO CLIP)
O'REILLY: Joining us now from Los Angeles, the sage of Southern California, Dennis Miller. Has anybody ever said to you, Miller, "Don't ask, don't tell?" Has anybody ever said that to you?
DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I just think Barack, he doesn't dig being asked at all. He's got a bit of an imperious nature about him. I guess nobody has told him that nobody reads newspapers anymore. That is a dying art form. You can see he gets cranky, man. Right away that guy turned into Joe the gay plumber for him. He doesn't like people going off the reservation.
O'REILLY: No, but you — you don't like it when you're heckled in your act. I don't like it when I'm giving a speech and some guy yells it out. I usually ignore him. I don't know how you handle it. But I don't mind the president showing a little annoyance when this boorish guy, you know, starts to make this ridiculous point. What else is Obama going to do? He supports it. He's trying to get it through, as we heard from John McCain. Joint chiefs want the study. That's logical. So I don't know what else this guy wants Obama to do.
MILLER: Well, I think they nibble at the fringes on Barack on this "don't ask, don't tell" thing, because quite frankly, they've got a president who, out loud, said he doesn't believe in gay marriage, right? Doesn't that — doesn't that bug the gay community?
O'REILLY: But I don't know. The soldiers and Marines aren't going to be marrying each other out on the battlefield.
MILLER: I know. I'm not saying that, Bill. I'm saying I think they can go at him on this one, because nobody's going to completely go against him and come out and say, "Well, the guy doesn't believe in gay marriage." So even if he's trying to do something with "don't ask, don't tell," we'll nibble at him when he's not...
O'REILLY: But why bother? Why spend the energy?
MILLER: Because that guy needed to be important.
MILLER: He needed his — that guy needed his 15 minutes. He got it.
O'REILLY: Don't you think — don't you think, Miller, because I know you do a lot of good work for — for military charities. Don't you think it should be up to the joint chiefs of staff? Don't you think that they should say — be able to come in and say, "Look, this is what's good for the military. We've talked about it." I just would leave it up to them, you know. I never had a problem with "don't ask, don't tell" anyway. But I think the military guy should be making the call. Go ahead.
MILLER: Yes, but Bill, some of the military guys are the soldiers. And I'm enamored of any person, a young person, a lesbian, straight, gay guy who wants to go over and kill bad guys for me and my family. That blows me away. So I, honest to God, believe if you ask most of the soldiers, yes, there'd be some kids who say this weirds me. I think the vast majority of them would say, like most kids today, it's not a big-ticket item for me.
You know, if you're gay, you're gay, Billy. It's my Dennis Miller theory of homosexuality shot through the movie "Boy and the Dolphin." If you're a 12-year-old boy and you're watching the movie "Boy and a Dolphin" and a 27-year-old Sofia Loren crawls up out of the Aegean Sea after sponge diving, she's standing there in the deck of the boat in a see-through gauze top, rivulets of water dripping off her torso onto the deck of the boat. If you're a 12-year-old boy and you're watching that and you still want to make it with the captain of the boat, you're gay. You can't fight that. So it is what it is.
O'REILLY: I think you should testify in front of Congress.
All right. James Carville, big Dem, as you know, very mad about the oil spill and mad at President Obama. Roll the tape.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, ABC NEWS: What more can the president do here?
JAMES CARVILLE, DEMOCRATIC STRATEGIST: George, George, George. The president of the United States could have come down here. These people are crying. They're begging for something down here, and it just looks like indeed he's not involved in this. Man, you've got to get down here and take control of this. Put somebody in control of this thing and get this thing moving. We're about to die down here.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
O'REILLY: The glasses. I couldn't get by the glasses. All right. So Carville, big, big Democratic guy, mad at Obama. I guess Carville wants Obama to come down to the Big Easy and just, you know, set up the southern White House down there. I don't know what he wants. What do you think?
MILLER: I think, you know, Carville looks like a Muppet accidentally washed on hot. I mean, the guy makes Slate Gordon look like a sumo wrestler at this point. I think that when you find out that a guy you deified, and the libs have, has feet of clay, when the guy says this is the moment. You remember the speech when Barack Obama says, "This is the moment that the seas will drop and the planet will cease to warm." If you set up that sort of thing, and then when it hits the fan, you can't do anything like anybody else. BP can't do anything. The feds can't do anything. I don't know who's going to fix this. But it's disappointing to the left. He's just a guy. He's a guy from Chicago. He doesn't know what the hell to do. He's got a big pipe with a hole in it.
O'REILLY: Carville wants him — Carville — look, it's almost like Bush. The left screaming that Bush didn't care about Katrina and didn't go down to New Orleans quick enough and flew over on his way to San Diego. Whatever. It's the same thing. Carville wants him down there. Carville wants him down there, I guess with a rake and maybe a big, you know, swat in the water. But Carville just wants him down there. That's what the deal is.
MILLER: You know when stuff happens, it happens. And guess what? It reminds us we're a bit puny. I guess the only thing Barack can do at this point is maybe — what's it been? Thirty-five, 37 days? No doubt he's so litigious he'll probably sue the Greenwich Mean Time Institute and tell them they've made days too short and he wants them to move them out to 27, 28 hours. What are we going to do? We'll figure it out until we can fix the pipe.
O'REILLY: I don't know.
MILLER: But all I know is this. ANWR is — ANWR is looking better, Billy.
O'REILLY: ANWR is looking good. Absolutely. And the spill up there, nobody knows about it. It freezes right away.
MILLER: Just get some paper towels. Get some paper towels.
O'REILLY: All right. Now what is — what is this obsession you have with "Dancing with the Stars"? Is it finally over, that show? That show goes on so long. By the time these dancing people compete, they're 87 years old and they drop dead. That's how long this show goes on. Why do you like this?
MILLER: What are you doing at night, Dr. Noble? Reading a 700-page book on Millard Fillmore and the first steam-powered colonoscopy?
O'REILLY: How did you know that?
MILLER: It's a great show.
O'REILLY: Millard had the first colonoscopy. How did you know that? That's an excellent...
MILLER: That's the word on the street. Listen, Billy, it's a great show. It gives you clarity. People strive for a goal. They work hard. The girl who won it is the next cheater of veritas (ph). They should bring "Sweet Charity" back and put her on the air. And then you've got that Erin Andrews girl. She comes in there all dinged up because that pig was stalking her with a camera. She works hard; she gets healed. There's a lot more going on there than dancing, Billy. It's a great story.
O'REILLY: All right, but it can't top Millard Fillmore getting the nation's first colonoscopy. Nothing can.
MILLER: Steam-powered. Steam-powered colonoscopy.
O'REILLY: Dennis Miller, everybody. Take him away.