Dennis Miller on Elena Kagan Nomination and His New Neighbor, Al Gore

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," May 12, 2010. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: three hot topics for the sage of Southern California, who joins us now from Los Angeles.

All right. You just heard Sally Quinn on Dean Kagan. So what say you?

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DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I had a bit of a bad connection, but did I hear you say you play hockey because you're gay?

O'REILLY: No. There's a picture of me playing hockey.

MILLER: Jimmy, this ear piece is shot. Can you get me a fresh one?

O'REILLY: Look, how stupid is this? You get a picture of the dean playing softball, all right? It's an activity that millions of men and women in America participate in. And because the Wall Street Journal puts that in there, bloggers go, "That proves she's gay." How stupid is that?

MILLER: Well, it's really stupid, although she had a good stance, man. I'll tell you what. She looks like...

O'REILLY: She probably could throw better than you, Miller. She probably could throw that ball better than you. I mean, we remember your pitch.

MILLER: You know who can't throw, by the way, is these guys going off the deep end in Greece. You can tell it's a soccer country, because they throw the Molotovs like...

O'REILLY: Yes, they hit themselves in the knee. They blow themselves up, because they can't throw. So they have to kick those Molotov cocktails.

MILLER: That's when they're inept. Now listen, she's going to see some softball questions from the left when she goes up there. But, you know what? I owe Elena Kagan what I owe every other human being as far as their sexuality, and that, of course, would be my complete and utter indifference.

O'REILLY: Even on the gay marriage though? See, that's what — that's what separates it out, because that issue is going to come before the court.

MILLER: Well, I happen to think that if the law takes her there — and listen, Kennedy is the bloodbath. I'm saving my powder for him. It's a 4-4 thing. Nobody's going to budge. You think Scalia or Emeril or whatever his name is going to budge? On the other side, that little Adam Ant chick, they're not going to budge. Kennedy is where the bloodbath is. This woman, she's taking Stevens' place. It's fine. And you know what? The president should get some vigorish for being elected president. He's going to pick people who are sympathetic to him. So I don't know. Yes, she probably is on the left, but gay marriage? I don't know. Am I, like, the only goofball who assumes everybody is something. Everybody is something. They all have their agenda. Maybe she can make a judgment according to the law. I don't know her well enough.

O'REILLY: OK. It's a good point, and obviously we all hope she can.

Miranda. Now, we covered this with Holder now, who was, you know, Mirandizing people before they got on the planes. Not after they — and now, he's going, "No, we need a little room now. We don't really need it right away." So, you know, talk about a flip-flop.

MILLER: All of a sudden Steadman is Jack Bauer. You know, he comes in — I don't know what they got out of Shazbot. And by the way, where is that kid when he converted to Islam? Was he watching "Mork and Mindy" reruns on Nick at Nite? But Shazbot must have said something that scared the hell out of those guys. He must have said that Al Qaeda's prime directive now was to repeal Obamacare because Steadman came in over the weekend and all of a sudden he's Curtis LeMay. They're ready to change Gitmo into Camp David.

And you know something? Between the young man drones now, re-upping the Patriot Act for another year, keeping Gitmo open, following the Bush- Cheney footsteps in Iraq and reinvigorating the fight in Afghanistan, can waterboarding be far behind, Billy? Yippee, I like — I like what I'm seeing.

O'REILLY: I have to explain to the audience that Steadman is Oprah's boyfriend and looks like the attorney general of the United States. So that is the reference here that Miller is making.

Now, somebody said to me — somebody wrote to me, "Hey, O'Reilly, you pounded Holder for being a dork on the Miranda rights in the beginning, and now that he's doing the right thing, you're mocking him. Is that fair?" That was a pretty good letter, you know.

MILLER: Billy, I'm not. I'm glad they're on board. And you know how people wonder if the political process has poisoned them in this country? If you're on the left and you think Steadman has gone soft or Barack Obama, through proxy through Steadman, and if you're on the right and you're angry that the light bulb has gone off for President Obama, that's when you know you're poison. I'm happy about this.

O'REILLY: I'm happy about it, too. But it's my job to ask why. You know, I'd like Holder to explain why. Did he go to Lord's? Did he have a conversion?

MILLER: Because they scared the living hell out of him.

O'REILLY: That's the speculation.

MILLER: Because the kid went — the kid was naturalized. He was naturalized, and he drove a truck into Times Square, and a T-shirt vendor alert is the only thing that saves us from Obama having four terror attacks, the fourth one the most successful, in the course of a year and besmirching him in perpetuity is the guy who missed the point. So they got it. The light bulb went off. I'm glad it did.

O'REILLY: OK, maybe. But the light bulb should have gone off with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, that's for sure.

All right. Al Gore, your new neighbor, has a swell pad, huh?

MILLER: Well, Billy, this is where a lifetime, 56 years of deliberately dividing myself off from my neighbors begins to pay big dividends, because this will be no — this will be no hard feat for me to avoid. Other than General Mueller, my immediate next-door neighbor, I don't talk to my neighbors anyway. It will be really easy with Gore. Although I might go over the first night and put some dry ice in a casserole dish and tell him that I've made him some CO2 JELL-O mold or something just to freak him out. And you know something? If you look closely at that property for $9 million bucks, I'll bet you he has a greenhouse on there. You know what greenhouse gases come from? Greenhouses.

O'REILLY: There you go. Miller and I are going trick-or-treating next Halloween at Al Gore's house, all right, Miller? You got it?

MILLER: Gore is — Gore is a Stepford husband. Tipper wants to operate on him while he's asleep.

O'REILLY: No costumes. Miller and I, just as ourselves, walk off with a bunch of little kids to trick-or-treat at Gore's house. We'll do it. I swear. I'm going to do it.

MILLER: Boom, Roadrunner cloud. Gore will be off into the distance.

O'REILLY: Dennis Miller, everybody.