This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," March 16, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: We are pleased to have our pal Dennis right here in New York, where he is forcing me…
DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Nice to be here, Billy. Need to get my hair…
O'REILLY: That's not going to do any good. You need a lawn mower to get that hair under control.
MILLER: Wait a second. Beck, stay back. Is that Beck guy in the building?
O'REILLY: No, he's in the cage. We only let him out between 5 and 6.
MILLER: Warn me if he comes up. This is a shaky cat. Give me a heads up.
O'REILLY: All right. Now — he's perfectly normal off camera. He's just perfectly — you would never know him.
MILLER: The nine prophecies of the 12 sarcophaguses.
O'REILLY: That guy is — he's on tomorrow. I'm going to play that sound bite. He is huge ratings for FOX. People love him.
MILLER: He makes Howard Beale look like John Wayne.
O'REILLY: That's what we need. We need — we need some shake-up here.
MILLER: The 12 prophecies of the nine sarcophaguses.
O'REILLY: All right. Now, look, I don't know if you're the guy that should be calling Beck out of control, you know what I'm talking about, Miller?
MILLER: Teasing him. I'm sure he's a genius.
O'REILLY: "Enemy combatant," we can't say it anymore.
MILLER: Yes. You say tomato, I say intifada. I cannot believe that we've decided to battle Al Qaeda by vernacular-ing them to death. I mean, it's unbelievable to me. They think we're Satan.
MILLER: They call us Satan. And I can't even say they're a terrorist, and now I can't say they're an enemy combatant. Now it's down to neighbor with a beef or something. It's like unbelievable.
O'REILLY: A slightly disturbed Muslim gentleman.
MILLER: Exactly. I mean, come one, let's just call it what it is. They're lunatics.
O'REILLY: Agitated fanatic.
MILLER: Yes. It just shows me that we — when bin Laden said we are the weak horse. Now we're really conveying that to these people when we worry about what we're going to call them. Instead of confronting them with my preference, Odierno and Petraeus, we've decided to go at them with Strunk and White, you know, just giving them a paper cut with "The Elements of Style" or something.
O'REILLY: Do you think there was any logic behind the enemy combatant thing? Is it just a sop to the far left?
O'REILLY: A PR thing.
Now, The New York Times just can't stop with the torture stuff. Everybody who was even made fun of and mocked is now, you know, filing charges. Again, the big article. We got the bad guys. They were cold. And they had to stay up late. It's just terrible, Miller. It's awful.
MILLER: Listen, you sent me The Times article to read to prep for this.
O'REILLY: It was yesterday.
MILLER: Annie Banker (ph), my production person did. I don't read The Times, so I didn't read it. I had to go read The Post, The Washington Post. I read The Washington Post. You know, they're to the left, but they get it right once in a while. The Washington Times — or rather, The New York Times is just a house organ. Like I said, it's not even the paper of record anymore. It's a building that acrobats climb, and I just don't trust it. But it would seem to me that rendition, as I researched it on The Washington Post Web site, rendition, which I believe is the big beef here, starts way back when — you might even call Eichmann out of Argentina the first case of rendition. And then it was used by Reagan once. By George W. Sr. once with a Mexican doctor who had tortured somebody down there. And then it was used 70 times before 9/11.
O'REILLY: Noriega. They pulled Noriega out of Panama.
MILLER: Seventy times before 9/11. And it's mostly under the Clinton administration. That clearly states that at least 36 times it was used by Clinton. He started it. Why don't — why do they keep hammering Bush with rendition?
O'REILLY: Because the international Red Cross, who, you know, did the report, and then they leaked it to a Berkley College professor, basically said that we were mean to these guys, and we, you know, they were wet and cold, and they kept calling them enemy combatants over and over again, and they broke into tears after that.
MILLER: Listen, I know everybody down in Gitmo is just a man of peace who was moseying over to the Tikrit 7-Eleven that night to get a Slim Jim and just accidentally fell onto the battlefield. Somebody put a gun in their hand. I just don't look at it that way. I have moved terrorists at Gitmo and their treatment way down on my Netflix queue, because the world is going to hell in a handbasket. And I can't worry if Ramsey al-Kaboom is getting up every day and his bidet is properly attended to, OK?
O'REILLY: I'm kind of with you here, but it's the...
MILLER: You're completely with me, but you've got the No. 1 show so you have to split the difference a little.
O'REILLY: Please, it's the compulsion of this that I don't understand.
All right. Talking about compulsion.
O'REILLY: Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer.
MILLER: Yes. Listen, Cramer seems like a bit of a lovable mess. But Jon is a mensch, and Jon doesn't like disingenuous people. And I knew he was going to get eviscerated, as he should.
O'REILLY: Why do you think Cramer went on?
MILLER: Because Cramer hates the idea that somebody as quintessentially cool as Jon Stewart thinks he's a putz. So he's willing to go on and have himself crucified...
O'REILLY: Filleted, right.
MILLER: ...like Brando in "One-Eyed Jacks" just to absolve his sins in his eyes. Now, when his head hits the pillow at night, he can think, well, Jon, at least I went on and proved I was a mensch with him. And Jon doesn't have an agenda, Bill.
O'REILLY: Well, he does in a way.
MILLER: He doesn't like fakers.
O'REILLY: His parents lost a lot of money, I understand, in the recession.
MILLER: Who hasn't?
O'REILLY: No, right.
MILLER: I'm telling you that doesn't enter it. I'm telling you I know him better than you.
MILLER: He doesn't like fakers and he wants you — like if you're a comedian on the show, Jon always says to me, "Bring the funny. Just bring the funny."
O'REILLY: Listen, I've been on Stewart's show many times. I like the guy. He's very talented. But he didn't go after Frank and Dodd, Barney Frank and Chris Dodd, you know, and...
O'REILLY: They're worse than Cramer. Come on, Cramer's a...
MILER: They're not as sexy a hit as Cramer. Cramer's the bald guy who's over there hitting the stuff with cowbells and all of that.
O'REILLY: But don't you think it would have been fair if Stewart did what I did and went after Frank, went after Chris Cox, went after everybody, all the big guys that caused this recession or allowed it to happen?
MILLER: I don't think — if they'd come on, I bet you Jon would put them in a hard place.
O'REILLY: Yes, but you don't have to come on. I mean, he'll just rip you up in his monologue.
MILLER: That's the difference between your show and his. His is a comedy show. I'm telling you if he had one of those guys right in his crosshairs, I bet you he'd lean on them. I bet you he'd press them. Cramer just needed to come in because he was a needy guy. And I knew that was going to turn into Benihana. I knew that Jon was just, boom, and Cramer is sitting there like an onion ring volcano.
O'REILLY: Cutting up the shrimp there, Miller. Miller said that, not me. All right.
MILLER: He's the best. He's brilliant.
O'REILLY: I've got to buy you dinner tonight.
MILLER: I'm going over to Patsy's. Should I have said that?
O'REILLY: I don't have enough money.
MILLER: Bring the bodyguards.
O'REILLY: All right, I will. Dennis Miller, everybody.
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