My Tips for Barack Obama

I'm now told that my John McCain tips made it to the very highest levels of his campaign, reportedly even to Senator McCain himself.

Clearly that's how much pull I have.

But it's not a one-sided pull.

Fair and balanced, here now my tips for Barack Obama.

Tip one. Resist the rock star thing. A lot of older folks in this country don't like rock stars, senator. Actually many in the vast middle part of the country, prefer country. They're the ones you want to reach.

Tip two. Dumb it down. Senator, it's a given you're a gifted speaker. You could read from a Sears catalog and make it sound positively thespian. But it makes you sound almost too good to be true. Soaring rhetoric doesn't pay soaring gas bills. We're a no nonsense people, give us some no nonsense answers.

Tip three. Lose your cool. I know, hard to do because you are cool, but get angry about something you think matters. Ronald Reagan had his "I paid for this microphone" thing and even

George Bush Sr. let it rip on broccoli, but they were indelible moments. Make your own indelible moment.

Tip four. Tell your wife Michelle to share her favorite recipe. I know it sounds sexist, but her "never in my lifetime" remarks have some thinking "never let her speak again." Do. I think she's a great asset. She seems very human, even funny a lot of times. Showcase that and that recipe, as long as it doesn't involve foie gras. I don't even know what that is, senator, but I know it's French, that's all I'm telling you!

Tip five. Don't bowl. Don't hunt. Don't ever answer "boxers or briefs." We really don't care about these things, so don't patronize us with these things.

We know you're trying to be one of us, but we're quite comfortable knowing our presidents clearly aren't one of us...which, by the way, means not going out biking, looking like a well-intentioned dork. You're not. This ain't exactly Dukakis in a tank, but the adviser who told you this was OK, had to be in the tank.

All I'm saying, senator, is be real, but respect your inner elitist. Just don't rub it in our faces.

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