While we're on this subject of Christmas shopping, time now for my annual Christmas tips for men.
Again, ladies, sorry to appear sexist, but you clearly know your way around a mall. We men don't.
So, guys, completely free of charge, my tips to help you through the rush:
Tip 1: Don't buy anything on sale
Your wife or girlfriend will know you got it on sale and assume you don't find her worth paying full price.
Tip 2: Don't be offended women buy on sale
Don't be offended this rule doesn't work in reverse. Women will get your gift on sale, because they don't find you worth paying full price. Get over it.
Tip 3: Don't buy lingerie
I know that sounds crazy. But while even the most romantic woman might find it sexy, she's more inclined to think you're a pervert. And you're selfish. After all, this isn't for her. It's for you. And you're a pig, which you are, but again, why bother confirming you're a pig and a selfish one at that?
Tip 4: Avoid anything with the label "As Seen on TV"
We love that stuff. They don't.
Tip 5: Avoid meat and cheese products
Even women who like meat and cheese products, and sadly that's not many, hate it when you think food is a way to their hearts. It's the other way around, Sparky. Men are that way. Not women.
Tip 6: Don't make your gift
Unless you're Bob the builder, you'll screw it up and she'll just think you're too cheap to buy her something yourself. Besides, making things worked for Michael Landon on "Little House on the Prairie," news flash: you're no Michael Landon. Again, get over it.
Tip 7: If all else fails, diamonds
They're the bomb. Women love them. And in any form, earrings, necklaces, pendants. Be careful with rings though.
Because the diamond thing can backfire, if you're buying a girlfriend something with diamonds but it isn't a ring, and maybe she was hoping to get a ring, and you get her a stupid pendant.
Trust me, she will stick that pendant in you.
So don't go there, you'd have been better off carving a hand-made cabinet loaded with meat and cheese products than committing that faux pas.
But again, in most all other cases, and for almost all married men, diamonds can't fail.
But I digress. Happy shopping, guys. And Merry Christmas.
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