All right, a warning right off the bat: This is going to sound sexist. But I want to talk to every man out there. Ladies, you can leave.
It's time for my annual shopping tips for men. I know I sound like a chauvinist, but women don't need my advice. Men do.
So guys, here goes:
Tip 1: Avoid sales racks.
When shopping, avoid sales racks. Women huddle around sales racks. They know sales racks. You don't. They'll eat you alive. You're like a zebra wandering into a pack of Bengal tigers, quietly back away.
Tip 2: Do not look at women shoppers
If you must go to a sales rack, do not look the women there in the eye. They will see your fear. And they will kill you.
Tip 3: Do not comparison shop
Do not, I repeat, do not, comparison shop. It just adds to the agony. And like I've said, who cares if you can find the same handbag for your wife for 20 percent less on the other side of the mall. It's on the other side of the mall. Just pay up. And get out.
Tip 4: Avoid sales people
Avoid stores with sales people who want to help you look for something. If they're so damn eager, just ask them to do the shopping themselves. And you'll be back later.
Tip 5: Think perfume
For some reason I still can't fathom, every time you buy perfume, they give you other stuff... little duffle bags, lipsticks, etc. Best I can figure, this is only done with perfume purchases. I say have at it. It looks like you went shopping for months!
Tip 6: Buy the same gift, again and again
Get the same exact thing for every woman on your list -- mother, daughter, wife, girlfriend, aunt – the same perfume, same extra duffle bags, lipsticks.
Tip 7: Talk to yourself
Not only will other shoppers steer clear of you, but sales people will bend over backwards to rush you through and be rid of you.
Tip 8: Dress lightly
I've gone into malls in a winter coat and left in nothing but my skivvies. Trust me every mall in this country is at least 90 degrees. Think Bermuda shorts.
Tip 9: Think cheese
Cheeses and smoked meats are not bad gifts.
Tip 10: Think Internet
If tips one through nine overwhelm you, then think one word: Internet. Dress as you please.
Watch Neil Cavuto's Common Sense weekdays at 4 p.m. ET on Your World with Cavuto.