Common Sense

Tips For President Bush on Meeting With the French

So President Bush and Jacques Chirac are going to meet face to face.

The big trip. The big powwow. The big moment.

Frankly, I don't even think he should be hobnobbing with Chirac, but if he must... some free tips from me:

Tip 1: Shake Chirac's hand, but make it quick. Very quick. Two seconds tops. And no arm and back slapping!

Tip 2: Make it a limp handshake. None of that, Texas-rock-hard-glad-to-see-you-pal-vice-like-grip nonsense you do at Crawford with "real" friends. Make it like you couldn't be less interested.

Tip 3: Don't -- I repeat don't -- eat their food. They're going to want to make you sick.

Tip 4: Bring a hot dog. They hate hot dogs. Think it's the tackiest food on earth, so bring two.

Tip 5: Read a newspaper. While Chirac's speaking, read a newspaper or set your cell phone to ring constantly.

Tip 6: Rock a lot in your chair. They hated it when you did that last year. Thought it was very rude, even childish. So rock even more this year.

Tip 7: Make a pass at Chirac's wife. All right, I'm only kidding. but since they don't have a problem with mistresses, put 'em to the test.

Tip 8: Spit out their champagne. When they make a toast, spit out the champagne and shout, "This stuff tastes like ----". (You get the picture.)

Tip 9: Sit next to Tony Blair. They hate him too. You should both talk through the whole meeting, like classroom cutups. They think you're boorish anyway. Prove it.

Tip 10: Don't stay long. You have a Middle East peace deal to broker anyway. Just tell them "something came up" or -- better yet -- be honest and just say it, damnit:

"One more minute with you phony, smarmy, condescending, backstabbing worms, and I’ll be nauseous. I gotta go. In the meantime, you go... to hell".

Or, like I said before, you could be polite and just do the "something came up thing". Your choice.

I hope all this helps, Mr. President. Have a good trip.

Watch Neil Cavuto's Common Sense weekdays at 4 p.m. ET on Your World with Cavuto.