So President Bush and Jacques Chirac are going to meet face to face.
The big trip. The big powwow. The big moment.
Frankly, I don't even think he should be hobnobbing with Chirac, but if he must... some free tips from me:
Tip 1: Shake Chirac's hand, but make it quick. Very quick. Two seconds tops. And no arm and back slapping!
Tip 2: Make it a limp handshake. None of that, Texas-rock-hard-glad-to-see-you-pal-vice-like-grip nonsense you do at Crawford with "real" friends. Make it like you couldn't be less interested.
Tip 3: Don't -- I repeat don't -- eat their food. They're going to want to make you sick.
Tip 4: Bring a hot dog. They hate hot dogs. Think it's the tackiest food on earth, so bring two.
Tip 5: Read a newspaper. While Chirac's speaking, read a newspaper or set your cell phone to ring constantly.
Tip 6: Rock a lot in your chair. They hated it when you did that last year. Thought it was very rude, even childish. So rock even more this year.
Tip 7: Make a pass at Chirac's wife. All right, I'm only kidding. but since they don't have a problem with mistresses, put 'em to the test.
Tip 8: Spit out their champagne. When they make a toast, spit out the champagne and shout, "This stuff tastes like ----". (You get the picture.)
Tip 9: Sit next to Tony Blair. They hate him too. You should both talk through the whole meeting, like classroom cutups. They think you're boorish anyway. Prove it.
Tip 10: Don't stay long. You have a Middle East peace deal to broker anyway. Just tell them "something came up" or -- better yet -- be honest and just say it, damnit:
"One more minute with you phony, smarmy, condescending, backstabbing worms, and I’ll be nauseous. I gotta go. In the meantime, you go... to hell".
Or, like I said before, you could be polite and just do the "something came up thing". Your choice.
I hope all this helps, Mr. President. Have a good trip.
Watch Neil Cavuto's Common Sense weekdays at 4 p.m. ET on Your World with Cavuto.