Fox on Sex: Is Too Much Porn Messing With Your Sex Skills?

Ian Kerner, Ph. D

Hey Guys, could your porn-habit be making you less of a lover in the real world? Are you developing what’s referred to in the world of sexology as an "idiosyncratic masturbatory style?"

If you’re thinking "idio-what??" check out this article and consider a visit to my website, Good in Bed, where we are talking about this issue in our forum.

For the most part, women don’t understand guys and porn. Many women get freaked out and immediately jump to conclusions:

— "Is something wrong with me? Am I too boring?

— "Is that what he’s really into? "

— "Does he want a woman who looks/acts like a porn star?"

What women should know is that for many guys, porn is comparative to a day at the spa: It feels good and relieves stress. Or, think of it a quick, little treat — kind of like scarfing down a bag of gummy bears in the middle of the day. It doesn't mean we're not interested in having "a real meal" with the woman we love, but sometimes we're in the mood for a snack. No big deal.

But sometimes too much porn is a problem, and lately I’ve been noticing in my practice a new issue: Men whose sex skills are suffering because of their propensity for porn, and women who are noticing that their guys have gone from good in bed to, well, not so good.

How can too much porn affect your sex-skills?

First of all, it can deplete your libido and lead to a lack of mojo – if you’re masturbating frequently, you may end up being less into sex with your partner and not putting enough time into romance, foreplay and your connection with your partner. And your partner will notice. As men age it's not only perfectly natural to experience longer refractory periods (the time between erections), but also an increased latency period (the time it takes to reach ejaculation).

Sometimes men develop an "idiosyncratic masturbatory style," as I mentioned before. When a man masturbates, he is often applying significantly higher levels of pressure and friction than real intercourse provides. So, he may get used to a different kind of physical feeling. As a result, there are a lot of men who can only get past the point of no return via oral sex, or manual stimulation (usually their own), but can’t get there during sex anymore.

Also, with so many varieties of porn at their fingertips, men who get in the habit of having a steady flow of sexual novelty and intense visual stimulation, have a more difficult time reaching peak levels of sexual arousal with their real-world partners. They may get an erection, but they’re mentally not at peak arousal. They’re unable to focus fully on the sex they’re having and have become habituated to high levels of visual stimulation.

If you think porn could be crimping your sex-style, it may be time to take a porn-break and focus on some real sex. If you’d like to talk more about this, please visit me at http://www.goodinbed.com/discuss

Ian Kerner is a sex therapist and NY Times best-selling author of numerous books including She Comes First and Love in the Time of Colic. He is the founder of GoodinBed.com. Ian lives with his wife and two sons in New York City.