Last month I told you about The Center for Science in the Public Interest, the soulless scolds who believe all food should taste like pottery.
Today, they're threatening to sue McDonalds for enticing kids with toys. They call the restaurant's toy promotions creepy — as if nutrition activists aren't. Point of fact: They are. They're smelly, ugly and miserable.
Seriously, have you been to a health food store? Ask yourself: How can a place be so healthy, if the workers resemble bags of soggy lawn trimmings?
Anyway, here's what chafes my thighs: It's this quote from the CSPI litigator, Stephen Gardner. He says, "McDonald's is the stranger in the playground handing out candy to children."
So, in effect, this jackass has compared the production of fast food with child molestation, branding McDonald's employees as pedophiles.
Now I know how McDonald's handles these things: They'll say they offer healthy alternatives, like carrot sticks and carrot sticks. This is stupid. No one goes to McDonald's for carrot sticks. They go there to get away from carrot sticks and to eat the world's greatest food.
True, an hour later, you feel like someone shot a snake up your butt, but that's just a reflection of the love put into each Big Mac.
Anyway, if I were McDonald's, I'd flip the tables and demand an apology from CSPI for calling their workers pervs. And then dare these tools to come up with a better way than McDonald's to feed billions of people cheaply.
Truth is, they can't. They're just misery engines bent on destroying the achievements of others. Let's hope their wheat germ gives them intestinal parasites — then, finally, they won't be alone Saturday night.
And if you disagree with me, you're a racist homophobe who works at Arby's.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld (weeknights 3-4AM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor.