Published May 06, 2010
Check out my favorite headline of the day — no, make that year. The AP headline reads: "NY car bomb suspect cooperates, but motive mystery."
It's only a mystery if you're in the media and really stupid. Everyone else pretty much understands why the terrorist left a fuel bomb in an area filled with families: He hates us, he wants us dead.
But the media — full of fragile egos and bubble-encased boobs — can't see that. In fact, it's kind of awesome how huge their blind spot toward radical Islam is. If only there could be other motives, so they'd never have to place blame on anything (other than America, of course).
So I thought I'd help them with motives they could be comfortable with: Why did Faisal Shahzad try to blow us up?
• Obviously, global warming: The rising temperature forced him to jog at night. Plus, it made his beard itch
• Wall Street greed: Faisal was so enraged by this that he got lost and ended up in the Theater District. Better luck next time
• The "The Lion King" musical didn't reflect the horror of Bushitler the way "American Idiot" does
• Walmart: Their cheap prices deeply offended his "mom and pop" sensibilities
• Lack of workplace diversity: Well, except for MSNBC. Their whiteness gets a pass because their hearts are in the right place
• Same sex marriage won't lead to marrying a goat — sadly
• Bill Ayers never returned his ball gag
• Evil Tea Partiers who mock Islam with their delightful bacon and egg salad sandwiches
Actually, it must be the Tea Partiers' fault for they created the hateful climate that encouraged Shazhad. In fact, let's also blame the Arizona immigration bill, Rush Limbaugh, offshore drilling, and, of course, Fox News. Because all that stuff is evil — unlike, you know, real evil.
And if you disagree with me, you're a homophobic back-lashing racist.