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Why Does Faisal Shahzad Hate Us?

Check out my favorite headline of the day — no, make that year. The AP headline reads: "NY car bomb suspect cooperates, but motive mystery."

It's only a mystery if you're in the media and really stupid. Everyone else pretty much understands why the terrorist left a fuel bomb in an area filled with families: He hates us, he wants us dead.

But the media — full of fragile egos and bubble-encased boobs — can't see that. In fact, it's kind of awesome how huge their blind spot toward radical Islam is. If only there could be other motives, so they'd never have to place blame on anything (other than America, of course).

So I thought I'd help them with motives they could be comfortable with: Why did Faisal Shahzad try to blow us up?

Obviously, global warming: The rising temperature forced him to jog at night. Plus, it made his beard itch

Wall Street greed: Faisal was so enraged by this that he got lost and ended up in the Theater District. Better luck next time

The "The Lion King" musical didn't reflect the horror of Bushitler the way "American Idiot" does

Walmart: Their cheap prices deeply offended his "mom and pop" sensibilities

Lack of workplace diversity: Well, except for MSNBC. Their whiteness gets a pass because their hearts are in the right place

Same sex marriage won't lead to marrying a goat — sadly

Bill Ayers never returned his ball gag

Evil Tea Partiers who mock Islam with their delightful bacon and egg salad sandwiches

Actually, it must be the Tea Partiers' fault for they created the hateful climate that encouraged Shazhad. In fact, let's also blame the Arizona immigration bill, Rush Limbaugh, offshore drilling, and, of course, Fox News. Because all that stuff is evil — unlike, you know, real evil.

And if you disagree with me, you're a homophobic back-lashing racist.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld (weeknights 3-4AM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor.