Sometimes you feel like you need a translator to figure out what your lover is saying when it comes to sex, right?
It either sounds too simple to be true, or it's the farthest thing from your imagination. Don’t call Rosetta Stone, we can help you right here. Read on.
When she screams: Don’t stop! Don’t stop! Don’t! Stop!
What she means: Please continue doing exactly what you are doing without changing the tempo or pressure. This is not the time to get creative in an attempt to take things to the next level or show off. You are at the next level, all she wants is for you to keep doing exactly what you are doing, and I do mean exactly, for just a little while longer. So use all your will power to ignore the cramp in your calf, the stitch in your side, or your parched palette, and whether it’s clockwise, counterclockwise, side-to-side or up and down, don’t stop!
When he states: I think the kids are asleep by now... I locked the door.
What he means: Let’s get busy.
When she asks: Are you more of a derriere man or breast man?
What she means: Sure, you hear this as an honest question akin to whether you want salad or fries, but the truth is she is asking if you find her sexy. Although honesty is the best policy, when it comes to women and body/weight-related questions, you are treading on very thin ice, my friend. If her assets are not your faves, I would suggest you say, “both.” This is not being devious, this is being polite. (Consider yourself asking her what is more important to her, “length or girth?”).
When he asks: Why are you putting all those clothes on to come to bed?
What he means: Don’t bother, I am just going to take them all off.
When she says: Talk to me…
What she means: Thankfully, this is not the same “talk” of, “we need to talk,” or “we don’t talk anymore..,” or “you are all talk.”
This means either: 1. Say something sassy/romantic as part of foreplay (or just pretending you are Gomez kissing Morticia’s arm muttering in another language will do), or 2. Say something dirty to turn up the heat in the bedroom; this usually involves describing a “what I am going to do to you,” type scene you can detail. Luckily these can be completely improbable and lacking in any sense of reality…No joke, go hog wild. Get as raunchy as you want as long as you steer clear of scenarios that include her mother, her sister, the neighbor or her best friend.
When he suggests: How about a quickie?
What he means: I really just want to have sex, without all the bells and whistles. Can you cut me some slack? Really, just count to 10, I’ll be fast.
When she suggests: Let’s try something new/something we’ve never done.
What she means: There is a slight chance there is a question underneath this suggestion, one that is asking “are you bored with me/our sex life?” If this isn’t the case, it might unfortunately be the reverse, in which she is being tactful in saying that things may be getting a little monotonous for her. What not to do: Look exasperated. Now would be the best time to break out the fuzzy handcuffs, the improbable role play scenario, or just raid the kitchen for the can of whipped cream.
Got the gist of it? If all else fails, use humor. Lower your voice to a whisper and confer with him/her about logistics. You should never be faulted for trying to be a more accurate when it comes to lovin’.
Dr. Belisa Vranich is a psychologist and sex expert. She is the author of three books, including her latest "He's Got Potential," which is in stores now. Do you have a "Dear Doc" question? E-mail Dr. Vranich at DrBelisa@gmail.com and check out her Web site at www.drbelisa.com.