So USA Today just published a big poll on political crud. The conclusion: Americans hate everything. They are, in a word, "hatist."
For example, the favorable rating for Democrats has dwindled to 41 percent — the lowest since whenever — and it's dropped 14 points since the Great One's election. That makes us "Democratist."
Also, 50 percent say the O-man doesn't merit re-election. According my brain, that's half. That means half of America is not simply racist, but also "Obamaist" and "electionist," two words I just made up and will later tattoo on my thighs.
Meanwhile, three out of four say they aren't pleased with the country's direction, making them "directionist." They make me sick to my stomach. I suppose I am "stomachist."
Of course, the paper also reports that no one likes John Boehner, making them "Boehnerist" and also "orangeist." One day, I hope to live in a world where we can stop judging folks on the content of their SPF.
Those polled have also had it with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, which in my mind, makes them "ageist," "wrinklest" and "glassist." Also "turkeyist," since he kind of looks like a turkey.
There are other poll numbers, but screw it. I hate polls. You might say I'm "pollist," a hatred based on the fact that I despise pie charts. Stupid pie charts — never any pie.
Bottom line: If everyone hates everything, they can't all be racist. Perhaps there's an actual legitimate reason for all this unease.
Oh yeah: Obama's from Hawaii — silly island country!
And if you disagree with me, you're a racist homophobe who feeds puppies to Nicolas Cage.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld (weeknights 3-4AM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor.